Chapter I

Transcriber’s Note

Words between ~tildes~, _underscores_ and equal signs were printed
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settings, not all elements may display as intended.

The spelling in this e-text is that of the original work. A few
obvious minor typographical errors have been corrected silently.

THE
LIMERICK
UP TO
DATE BOOK

Composed and Collected by
Ethel Watts Mumford

Illustrated and Decorated by
Ethel Watts Mumford and
Addison Mizner

San Francisco
Published by Paul Elder and Company
1903]

_Copyright 1903
by_ PAUL ELDER

The Tomoyé Press
San Francisco

John woke on Jan. first and felt queer;
Said, “Crackers I’ll swear off this year!
For the lobster and wine
And the rabbit were fine,
And it certainly wasn’t the beer.”

January

Janvier 1
2
~Januar~ 3
4
=Enero= 5
6
Gennaio 7]

Beware of Rash Judgments.

A dame at the beaches of Florida,
All the ladies said couldn’t be horrider;
But she proved them all wrong,
And she said, “Go along!”
While the climate grew torrid and torrider.

January

Janvier 8
9
~Januar~ 10
11
=Enero= 12
13
Gennaio 14
Ἰανουάριος 15]

Said the lady, “With you I’ll not go,
You’re reported to be far from slow.”
Said he, turning red,
With a smile quite o’erspread--
“O Madame, don’t flatter me so!”

January

Janvier 16
17
~Januar~ 18
19
=Enero= 20
21
Gennaio 22
Ἰανουάριος 23]

Lavishness.

There was a young lady named Julie,
Who was terribly fond of patchouli;
She used bottles seven,
’Til she smelt up to heaven,
Which made all the angels unruly.

January

Janvier 24
25
~Januar~ 26
27
=Enero= 28
29
Gennaio 30
Ἰανουάριος 31]

Said a sporty young person named Groat,
Who owned an old race-horse of note,
“I consider it smart
To lunch a la cart,
But the horse always takes table d’oat.”

February

Février 1
2
~Februar~ 3
4
=Febrero= 5
6
Febbraio 7]

The Church-Goer.

There was a young man who said, “There,
I will sneak out during this prayer!”
But the squeak of his shoes
So enlivened the pews,
That he sat down again in despair.

February

Février 8
9
~Februar~ 10
11
=Febrero= 12
13
Febbraio 14]

She’s so homely you’d think she would smother,
And her back view is just like her brother.
Her eyes are both bent,
And her nose is a dent;
But then, “she’s so good to her mother!”

February

Février 15
16
~Februar~ 17
18
=Febrero= 19
20
Febbraio 21]

Good Manners.

There was a young person of Tottenhem,
Whose manners, Good Lord! she’d forgotten ’em.
When she went to the vicar’s,
She took off her knickers,
Because she said she was hot in ’em.

February

Février 22
23
~Februar~ 24
25
=Febrero= 26
27
Febbraio 28]

There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I;
She said, “It’s too bad!
But then I can pad,”--
Which shows you that figures can lie.

March

Mars 1
2
~März~ 3
4
=Marzo= 5
6
Μάρτιος 7]

Tact.

There was a bright person named Biddle,
Who asked everybody a riddle.
When asked, “Can you tell
The answer as well?”
He replied, “I begin in the middle.”

March

Mars 8
9
~März~ 10
11
=Marzo= 12
13
Μάρτιος 14]

There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie--
Which startled the purely fastidious.

March

Mars 15
16
~März~ 17
18
=Marzo= 19
20
Μάρτιος 21]

Intemperance.

There once was a baker named Dunn,
Who always was out for the fun,
And although it was said
He was very well bred,
He spent all his dough on a “bun”!

March

Mars 22
23
~März~ 24
25
=Marzo= 26
27
Μάρτιος 28]

There was an old man of Madrid,
Who went to an auction to bid;
He bought, if you please,
A case of old cheese--
But oh, Gosh! when they lifted the lid!

March

Mars 29
30
~März~ 31]

A Quiet Life.

An Abbess whom all did admire,
To holiness much did aspire.
When asked to a ball,
She replied, “Not at all;
I’ve another engagement that’s Prior.”

April

Avril 1
2
~April~ 3
4
=Abril= 5
6
Aprile 7]

There was a fair maiden of Siam,
Who said to her lover, “O Priam,
You may kiss me, of course,
But you’ve got to use force--
And, God knows, you are stronger than I am!”

April

Avril 8
9
~April~ 10
11
=Abril= 12
13
Aprile 14
Ἀπρίλιος 15]

Exasperation.

There was an old person named Sam,
Who was wearied of Omar Khayyam.
Fitzgerald, you know,
Is the whole of the show;
But this cult and this music, “Oh, d----!”

April

Avril 16
17
~April~ 18
19
=Abril= 20
21
Aprile 22
Ἀπρίλιος 23]

There was an old lady of Threedle,
Who sat down in church on a needle;
Tho’ deeply embedded,
’Twas luckily threaded,
And quickly pulled out by the beadle.

April

Avril 24
25
~April~ 26
27
=Abril= 28
29
Aprile 30]

Improper Language.

There was a fair maid of Oshkosh,
Who on Tuesday cried out, “Oh, by Gosh!”
For up on the roof
There was ocular proof
That some one had stolen the wash.

May

Mai 1
2
~Mäi~ 3
4
=Mayo= 5
6
Maggio 7]

There was a young person named Clyde,
Who was once at a funeral espied.
When asked who was dead,
He smilingly said:
“I don’t know--I just came for the ride.”

May

Mai 8
9
~Mäi~ 10
11
=Mayo= 12
13
Maggio 14]

Devotion.

There once was a fellow most kind,
Who, when loving, went at it quite blind.
He said, “That’s all right,
But she’s so out of sight
That I can’t keep her out of my mind!”

May

Mai 15
16
~Mäi~ 17
18
=Mayo= 19
20
Maggio 21]

There was a young lady named Jane,
Who went out to walk in the rain;
Her skirts were so lacey
It really was racey,
And drove all the chappies insane.

May

Mai 22
23
~Mäi~ 24
25
=Mayo= 26
27
Maggio 28]

Be Careful.

There was a young man from the Cape,
Who always wore trousers of crêpe.
When asked, “Do they tear?”
He replied, “Here and there--
But they keep such a wonderful shape.”

May

Mai 29
30
~Mäi~ 31]

There was an old lady of Lee,
Who invited the curate to tea.
He said, “You quite shine
In the housewifely line.”
“Oh, this is so sudden!” said she.

June

Juin 1
2
~Juni~ 3
4
=Junio= 5
6
Giugno 7]

Seek After Knowledge.

A man with the brain of a linnet
Asked forty-two questions a minute.
When they said, “Mind your biz!”
He said, “Envy it is,
’Cause you know just how strictly I’m in it.”

June

Juin 8
9
~Juni~ 10
11
=Junio= 12
13
Giugno 14
Ἰούνιος 15]

There was an old beau of Formosa,
Who ne’er was content with a “No, sah!”
The strength of his arm
Oft excited alarm,
And his motto was “closah and closah.”

June

Juin 16
17
~Juni~ 18
19
=Junio= 20
21
Giugno 22
Ἰούνιος 23]

Uncertainty.

A lady once had a bad habit:
She couldn’t see cheese but she’d nab it.
She said, “Memory fails--
Is the rabbit from Wales?
Or do the wails come from the rabbit?”

June

Juin 24
25
~Juni~ 26
27
=Junio= 28
29
Giugno 30]

There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked all through Scotland on stilts.
When they said, “Oh, how shocking,
To see so much stocking!”
She said, “How about you and your kilts?”

July

Juillet 1
2
~Juli~ 3
4
=Julio= 5
6
Luglio 7]

Generosity.

There was a young lady of Venice,
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.
When they cried, “You are wrong!”
She replied, “Go along--
You don’t know how prolific my hen is.”

July

Juillet 8
9
~Juli~ 10
11
=Julio= 12
13
Luglio 14]

There was a fair dame whose manœuvre
Was to get her portrait in the Louvre;
But they sent it away
The very first day--
And it’s now in a dive in Vancouvre.

July

Juillet 15
16
~Juli~ 17
18
=Julio= 19
20
Luglio 21]

Comparisons are Odious.

A talented artist (Ed Lanseer),
Said, “Beau Brummel, I won’t paint these pants here;
I assure you, I can’t see
That they are so fancy--
Why, last week I saw a dog-fancier.”

July

Juillet 22
23
~Juli~ 24
25
=Julio= 26
27
Luglio 28]

An old person who lived by his pen,
Cried, “Goody! I’ve got ’em again!
A poem I’ll write,
’Bout the dawning of night,
That will easily collar a ten!”

July

Juillet 29
30
~Juli~ 31]

Popularity.

A musician there was--Paderewski--
Who never would drink nor would chewski;
As a Matineé blade,
He made Hackett afraid,
And quite broke the heart of John Drewski.

August

Août 1
2
~August~ 3
4
=Agosto= 5
6
Αὔγουστος 7]

There was a young lady named Maude,
Who said she was “awfully boahed,”
For all men she hated,
Both single and mated--
But in the dark corners--Good Lawd!

August

Août 8
9
~August~ 10
11
=Agosto= 12
13
Agosto 14
Αὔγουστος 15]

A Good Girl.

Eliza she never was nifty,
She was kindly and gentle and thrifty;
She gave poor people pies,
And she never made eyes--
But then--she was seven and fifty!

August

Août 16
17
~August~ 18
19
=Agosto= 20
21
Agosto 22
Αὔγουστος 23]

There once was a promising hound,
The fleetest that ever was found;
But his friends all declare,
That when chasing the hare,
He was running things into the ground.

August

Août 24
25
~August~ 26
27
=Agosto= 28
29
Agosto 30
Αὔγουστος 31]

Never Swear.

A kindly old person named Tom,
Manufactured a dynamite bomb.
One day in annoy,
He cast it at a boy,--
Saying, “Gracious! I nearly said Domn!”

September

Septembre 1
2
~September~ 3
4
=Setiembre= 5
6
Settembre 7]

There was a young damsel named Nell,
Who considered herself quite a belle.
She sat on the sand,
And held her own hand,
And never got on to the swell.

September

Septembre 8
9
~September~ 10
11
=Setiembre= 12
13
Settembre 14]

The Young Nimrod.

Young Henry went out for to shoot,
With a gun and a high rubber boot;
He shot an old goat,
A guide and a shoat--
But he’s best when he’s shooting the chute.

September

Septembre 15
16
~September~ 17
18
=Setiembre= 19
20
Settembre 21
Σεπτέμβριος 22]

There was an old man of Tarrentum,
Who sat on his false teeth and bent ’um
When asked what he’d lost,
And what they had cost,
He replied, “I don’t know, I just rent ’um.”

September

Septembre 23
24
~September~ 25
26
=Setiembre= 27
28
Settembre 29
Σεπτέμβριος 30]

Society.

There was a fair charmer named Jones,
And the lions from various zones
At her house came and roared
In a beautiful chord,
As she fed them elaborate bones.

October

Octobre 1
2
~Oktober~ 3
4
=Octubre= 5
6
Ottobre 7]

A curate once smote at a tee,
And threw his new club up a tree,
Saying, “Fie!! My!! Oh, dear!!!
I must give up, I fear,
Either golf or the ministree!”

October

Octobre 8
9
~Oktober~ 10
11
=Octubre= 12
13
Ottobre 14
Ὀυτώμβριος 15]

High Ideals.

There was a young man who said, “Oh,
Why, lucre’s so filthy and low!”
But his friends said, “Oh, shoo!
That’s too good to be true--
You can bet that he’s after the dough!”

October

Octobre 16
17
~Oktober~ 18
19
=Octubre= 20
21
Ottobre 22
Ὀυτώμβριος 23]

There was a fair girl named Elaine,
Who, one March day, went out dressed en train;
The wind tried to be rude,
But her costume was glued--
’Tis better sometimes to be vain.

October

Octobre 24
25
~Oktober~ 26
27
=Octubre= 28
29
Ottobre 30
Ὀυτώμβριος 31]

The Lovers.

A lover in China, named Kin,
Sang soft serenades with great din;
With his eye to a crack
In the wall at the back--
And they said, “’Tis the lute of Peek-in!”

November

Novembre 1
2
~November~ 3
4
=Noviembre= 5
6
Novembre 7]

There was a fair maid named O’Neil,
Who went up in the great Ferris Wheel;
On the thirty-fourth round
She looked down at the ground--
And it cost her an 80-cent meal.

November

Novembre 8
9
~November~ 10
11
=Noviembre= 12
13
Novembre 14]

Hospitality.

A tenderfoot out in the West
Said, “Afternoon tea’s _such_ a rest!”
So they knocked off his hat
As they punched his nose flat,
And shot all the checks off his vest.

November

Novembre 15
16
~November~ 17
18
=Noviembre= 19
20
Novembre 21
Νοέμβριος 22]

There was an old person named Tate
Who out fishing went early and late.
When the fish gave a tug,
Then he pulled on the jug,
And the thing that he caught was a skate.

November

Novembre 23
24
~November~ 25
26
=Noviembre= 27
28
Novembre 29
Νοέμβριος 30]

Modesty.

There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.
When they put on her veil
She set up a wail,
And when the priest blessed her, she cried.

December

Décembre 1
2
~Dezember~ 3
4
=Diciembre= 5
6
Dicembre 7]

Said a Rooster, “I’d have you all know
I am nearly the whole of the show;
Why, the Sun every morn
Gets up with the dawn
For the purpose of hearing me crow!”

December

Décembre 8
9
~Dezember~ 10
11
=Diciembre= 12
13
Dicembre 14]

A Good Reason.

There was a young man of Fort Blainey,
Who proposed to a typist named Janey;
When his friends cried, “Oh, dear!
She’s so old and so queer!”
He replied, “But the day was so rainy!”

December

Décembre 15
16
~Dezember~ 17
18
=Diciembre= 19
20
Dicembre 21]

Sir Guy was an amorous knight,
Who costumed himself in a tight.
It was taking a chance
To go without pants,
In case the mosquitoes should bite.

December

Décembre 22
23
~Dezember~ 24
25
=Diciembre= 26
27
Dicembre 28]

Thrift.

There was a good dame of Cape Horn,
Whose clothing was tattered and torn.
She remarked, debonnaire,
As she pinned up her hair:
“Three bargains I purchased this morn.”

December

Décembre 29
30
~Dezember~ 31]