Chapter VIII: Part 8

And then the next thing to write off my mind is ... that you must not, you must not, make an unjust opinion out of what I said to-day. I have been uncomfortable since, lest you should--and perhaps it would have been better if I had not said it apart from all context in that way; only that you could not long be a friend of mine without knowing and seeing what so lies on the surface. But then, ... as far as I am concerned, ... no one cares less for a 'will' than I do (and this though I never had one, ... in clear opposition to your theory which holds generally nevertheless) for a will in the common things of life. Every now and then there must of course be a crossing and vexation--but in one's mere pleasures and fantasies, one would rather be crossed and vexed a little than vex a person one loves ... and it is possible to get used to the harness and run easily in it at last; and there is a side-world to hide one's thoughts in, and 'carpet-work' to be immoral on in spite of Mrs. Jameson, ... and the word 'literature' has, with me, covered a good deal of liberty as you must see ... real liberty which is never enquired into--and it has happened throughout my life by an accident (as far as anything is accident) that my own sense of right and happiness on any important point of overt action, has never run contrariwise to the way of obedience required of me ... while in things not exactly _overt_, I and all of us are apt to act sometimes up to the limit of our means of acting, with shut doors and windows, and no waiting for cognisance or permission. Ah--and that last is the worst of it all perhaps! to be forced into concealments from the heart naturally nearest to us; and forced away from the natural source of counsel and strength!--and then, the disingenuousness--the cowardice--the 'vices of slaves'!--and everyone you see ... all my brothers, ... constrained _bodily_ into submission ... apparent submission at least ... by that worst and most dishonouring of necessities, the necessity of _living_, everyone of them all, except myself, being dependent in money-matters on the inflexible will ... do you see? But what you do _not_ see, what you _cannot_ see, is the deep tender affection behind and below all those patriarchal ideas of governing grown up children 'in the way they _must_ go!' and there never was (under the strata) a truer affection in a father's heart ... no, nor a worthier heart in itself ... a heart loyaller and purer, and more compelling to gratitude and reverence, than his, as I see it! The evil is in the system--and he simply takes it to be his duty to rule, and to make happy according to his own views of the propriety of happiness--he takes it to be his duty to rule like the Kings of Christendom, by divine right. But he loves us through and through it--and _I_, for one, love _him_! and when, five years ago, I lost what I loved best in the world beyond comparison and rivalship ... far better than himself as he knew ... for everyone who knew _me_ could not choose but know what was my first and chiefest affection ... when I lost _that_, ... I felt that he stood the nearest to me on the closed grave ... or by the unclosing sea ... I do not know which nor could ask. And I will tell you that not only he has been kind and patient and forbearing to me through the tedious trial of this illness (far more trying to standers by than you have an idea of perhaps) but that he was generous and forbearing in that hour of bitter trial, and never reproached me as he might have done and as my own soul has not spared--never once said to me then or since, that if it had not been for _me_, the crown of his house would not have fallen. He _never did_ ... and he might have said it, and more--and I could have answered nothing. Nothing, except that I had paid my own price--and that the price I paid was greater than his _loss_ ... his!! For see how it was; and how, 'not with my hand but heart,' I was the cause or occasion of that misery--and though not with the intention of my heart but with its weakness, yet the _occasion_, any way!

They sent me down you know to Torquay--Dr. Chambers saying that I could not live a winter in London. The worst--what people call the worst--was apprehended for me at that time. So I was sent down with my sister to my aunt there--and he, my brother whom I loved so, was sent too, to take us there and return. And when the time came for him to leave me, _I_, to whom he was the dearest of friends and brothers in one ... the only one of my family who ... well, but I cannot write of these things; and it is enough to tell you that he was above us all, better than us all, and kindest and noblest and dearest to _me_, beyond comparison, any comparison, as I said--and when the time came for him to leave me _I_, weakened by illness, could not master my spirits or drive back my tears--and my aunt kissed them away instead of reproving me as she should have done; and said that _she_ would take care that I should not be grieved ... _she_! ... and so she sate down and wrote a letter to Papa to tell him that he would 'break my heart' if he persisted in calling away my brother--As if hearts were broken _so_! I have thought bitterly since that my heart did not break for a good deal more than _that_! And Papa's answer was--burnt into me, as with fire, it is--that 'under such circumstances he did not refuse to suspend his purpose, but that he considered it to be _very wrong in me to exact such a thing_.' So there was no separation _then_: and month after month passed--and sometimes I was better and sometimes worse--and the medical men continued to say that they would not answer for my life ... they! if I were agitated--and so there was no more talk of a separation. And once _he_ held my hand, ... how I remember! and said that he 'loved me better than them all and that he _would not_ leave me ... till I was well,' he said! how I remember _that_! And ten days from that day the boat had left the shore which never returned; never--and he _had_ left me! gone! For three days we waited--and I hoped while I could--oh--that awful agony of three days! And the sun shone as it shines to-day, and there was no more wind than now; and the sea under the windows was like this paper for smoothness--and my sisters drew the curtains back that I might see for myself how smooth the sea was, and how it could hurt nobody--and other boats came back one by one.

Remember how you wrote in your 'Gismond'

What says the body when they spring
Some monstrous torture-engine's whole
Strength on it? No more says the soul,

and you never wrote anything which _lived_ with me more than _that_. It is such a dreadful truth. But you knew it for truth, I hope, by your genius, and not by such proof as mine--I, who could not speak or shed a tear, but lay for weeks and months half conscious, half unconscious, with a wandering mind, and too near to God under the crushing of His hand, to pray at all. I expiated all my weak tears before, by not being able to shed then one tear--and yet they were forbearing--and no voice said 'You have done this.'

Do not notice what I have written to you, my dearest friend. I have never said so much to a living being--I never _could_ speak or write of it. I asked no question from the moment when my last hope went: and since then, it has been impossible for me to speak what was in me. I have borne to do it to-day and to you, but perhaps if you were to write--so do not let this be noticed between us again--_do not_! And besides there is no need! I do not reproach myself with such acrid thoughts as I had once--I _know_ that I would have died ten times over for _him_, and that therefore though it was wrong of me to be weak, and I have suffered for it and shall learn by it I hope; _remorse_ is not precisely the word for me--not at least in its full sense. Still you will comprehend from what I have told you how the spring of life must have seemed to break within me _then_; and how natural it has been for me to loathe the living on--and to lose faith (even without the loathing), to lose faith in myself ... which I have done on some points utterly. It is not from the cause of illness--no. And you will comprehend too that I have strong reasons for being grateful to the forbearance.... It would have been _cruel_, you think, to reproach me. Perhaps so! yet the kindness and patience of the desisting from reproach, are positive things all the same.

Shall I be too late for the post, I wonder? Wilson tells me that you were followed up-stairs yesterday (I write on Saturday this latter part) by somebody whom you probably took for my father. Which is Wilson's idea--and I hope not yours. No--it was neither father nor other relative of mine, but an old friend in rather an ill temper.

And so good-bye until Tuesday. Perhaps I shall ... not ... hear from you to-night. Don't let the tragedy or aught else do you harm--will you? and try not to be 'weary in your soul' any more--and forgive me this gloomy letter I half shrink from sending you, yet will send.

May God bless you.

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Wednesday Morning,
[Post-mark, August 27, 1845.]

On the subject of your letter--quite irrespective of the injunction in it--I would not have dared speak; now, at least. But I may permit myself, perhaps, to say I am _most_ grateful, _most grateful_, dearest friend, for this admission to participate, in my degree, in these feelings. There is a better thing than being happy in your happiness; I feel, now that you teach me, it is so. I will write no more now; though that sentence of 'what you are _expecting_,--that I shall be tired of you &c.,'--though I _could_ blot that out of your mind for ever by a very few words _now_,--for you _would believe_ me at this moment, close on the other subject:--but I will take no such advantage--I will wait.

I have many things (indifferent things, after those) to say; will you write, if but a few lines, to change the associations for that purpose? Then I will write too.--

May God bless you,--in what is past and to come! I pray that from my heart, being yours

R.B.

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Wednesday Morning,
[Post-mark, August 27, 1845.]

But your 'Saul' is unobjectionable as far as I can see, my dear friend. He was tormented by an evil spirit--but how, we are not told ... and the consolation is not obliged to be definite, ... is it? A singer was sent for as a singer--and all that you are called upon to be true to, are the general characteristics of David the chosen, standing between his sheep and his dawning hereafter, between innocence and holiness, and with what you speak of as the 'gracious gold locks' besides the chrism of the prophet, on his own head--and surely you have been happy in the tone and spirit of these lyrics ... broken as you have left them. Where is the wrong in all this? For the right and beauty, they are more obvious--and I cannot tell you how the poem holds me and will not let me go until it blesses me ... and so, where are the 'sixty lines' thrown away? I do beseech you ... you who forget nothing, ... to remember them directly, and to go on with the rest ... _as_ directly (be it understood) as is not injurious to your health. The whole conception of the poem, I like ... and the execution is exquisite up to this point--and the sight of Saul in the tent, just struck out of the dark by that sunbeam, 'a thing to see,' ... not to say that afterwards when he is visibly 'caught in his fangs' like the king serpent, ... the sight is grander still. How could you doubt about this poem....

At the moment of writing which, I receive your note. Do _you_ receive my assurances from the deepest of my heart that I never did otherwise than _'believe' you_ ... never did nor shall do ... and that you completely misinterpreted my words if you drew another meaning from them. Believe _me_ in this--will you? I could not believe _you_ any more for anything you could say, now or hereafter--and so do not avenge yourself on my unwary sentences by remembering them against me for evil. I did not mean to vex you ... still less to suspect you--indeed I did not! and moreover it was quite your fault that I did not blot it out after it was written, whatever the meaning was. So you forgive me (altogether) for your own sins: you must:--

For my part, though I have been sorry since to have written you such a gloomy letter, the sorrow unmakes itself in hearing you speak so kindly. Your sympathy is precious to me, I may say. May God bless you. Write and tell me among the 'indifferent things' something not indifferent, how you are yourself, I mean ... for I fear you are not well and thought you were not looking so yesterday.

Dearest friend, I remain yours,

E.B.B.

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Friday Evening.
[Post-mark, August 30, 1845].

I do not hear; and come to you to ask the alms of just one line, having taken it into my head that something is the matter. It is not so much exactingness on my part, as that you spoke of meaning to write as soon as you received a note of mine ... which went to you five minutes afterwards ... which is three days ago, or will be when you read this. Are you not well--or what? Though I have tried and _wished_ to remember having written in the last note something very or even a little offensive to you, I failed in it and go back to the worse fear. For you could not be vexed with me for talking of what was 'your fault' ... 'your own fault,' viz. in having to read sentences which, but for your commands, would have been blotted out. You could not very well take _that_ for serious blame! from _me_ too, who have so much reason and provocation for blaming the archangel Gabriel.--No--you could not misinterpret so,--and if you could not, and if you are not displeased with me, you must be unwell, I think. I took for granted yesterday that you had gone out as before--but to-night it is different--and so I come to ask you to be kind enough to write one word for me by some post to-morrow. Now remember ... I am not asking for a letter--but for a _word_ ... or line strictly speaking.

Ever yours, dear friend,

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

[Post-mark, August 30, 1845.]

This sweet Autumn Evening, Friday, comes all golden into the room and makes me write to you--not think of you--yet what shall I write?

It must be for another time ... after Monday, when I am to see you, you know, and hear if the headache be gone, since your note would not round to the perfection of kindness and comfort, and tell me so.

God bless my dearest friend.

R.B.

I am much better--well, indeed--thank you.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

[Post-mark, August 30, 1845.]

Can you understand me _so_, dearest friend, after all? Do you see me--when I am away, or with you--'taking offence' at words, 'being vexed' at words, or deeds of yours, even if I could not immediately trace them to their source of entire, pure kindness; as I have hitherto done in every smallest instance?

I believe in _you_ absolutely, utterly--I believe that when you bade me, that time, be silent--that such was your bidding, and I was silent--dare I say I think you did not know at that time the power I have over myself, that I could sit and speak and listen as I have done since? Let me say now--_this only once_--that I loved you from my soul, and gave you my life, so much of it as you would take,--and all that is _done_, not to be altered now: it was, in the nature of the proceeding, wholly independent of any return on your part. I will not think on extremes you might have resorted to; as it is, the assurance of your friendship, the intimacy to which you admit me, _now_, make the truest, deepest joy of my life--a joy I can never think fugitive while we are in life, because I KNOW, as to me, I _could_ not willingly displease you,--while, as to you, your goodness and understanding will always see to the bottom of involuntary or ignorant faults--always help me to correct them. I have done now. If I thought you were like other women I have known, I should say so much!--but--(my first and last word--I _believe_ in you!)--what you could and would give me, of your affection, you would give nobly and simply and as a giver--you would not need that I tell you--(_tell_ you!)--what would be supreme happiness to me in the event--however distant--

I repeat ... I call on your justice to remember, on your intelligence to believe ... that this is merely a more precise stating the _first_ subject; to put an end to any possible misunderstanding--to prevent your henceforth believing that because I _do not write_, from thinking too deeply of you, I am offended, vexed &c. &c. I will never recur to this, nor shall you see the least difference in my manner next Monday: it is indeed, always before me ... how I know nothing of you and yours. But I think I ought to have spoken when I did--and to speak clearly ... or more clearly what I do, as it is my pride and duty to fall back, now, on the feeling with which I have been in the meantime--Yours--God bless you--

R.B.

Let me write a few words to lead into Monday--and say, you have probably received my note. I am much better--with a little headache, which is all, and fast going this morning. Of yours you say nothing--I trust you see your ... dare I say your _duty_ in the Pisa affair, as all else _must_ see it--shall I hear on Monday? And my 'Saul' that you are so lenient to.

Bless you ever--

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Sunday.
[August 31, 1845.]

I did not think you were angry--I never said so. But you might reasonably have been wounded a little, if you had suspected me of blaming you for any bearing of yours towards myself; and this was the amount of my fear--or rather hope ... since I conjectured most that you were not well. And after all you did think ... do think ... that in some way or for some moment I blamed you, disbelieved you, distrusted you--or why this letter? How have I provoked this letter? Can I forgive myself for having even seemed to have provoked it? and will you believe me that if for the past's sake you sent it, it was unnecessary, and if for the future's, irrelevant? Which I say from no want of sensibility to the words of it--your words always make themselves felt--but in fulness of purpose not to suffer you to hold to words because they have been said, nor to say them as if to be holden by them. Why, if a thousand more such words were said by you to me, how could they operate upon the future or present, supposing me to choose to keep the possible modification of your feelings, as a probability, in my sight and yours? Can you help my sitting with the doors all open if I think it right? I do attest to you--while I trust you, as you must see, in word and act, and while I am confident that no human being ever stood higher or purer in the eyes of another, than you do in mine,--that you would still stand high and remain unalterably my friend, if the probability in question became a fact, as now at this moment. And this I must say, since you have said other things: and this alone, which _I_ have said, concerns the future, I remind you earnestly.

My dearest friend--you have followed the most _generous_ of impulses in your whole bearing to me--and I have recognised and called by its name, in my heart, each one of them. Yet I cannot help adding that, of us two, yours has not been quite the hardest part ... I mean, to a generous nature like your own, to which every sort of nobleness comes easily. Mine has been more difficult--and I have sunk under it again and again: and the sinking and the effort to recover the duty of a lost position, may have given me an appearance of vacillation and lightness, unworthy at least of _you_, and perhaps of both of us. Notwithstanding which appearance, it was right and just (only just) of you, to believe in me--in my truth--because I have never failed to you in it, nor been capable of _such_ failure: the thing I have said, I have meant ... always: and in things I have not said, the silence has had a reason somewhere different perhaps from where you looked for it. And this brings me to complaining that you, who profess to believe in me, do yet obviously believe that it was only merely silence, which I required of you on one occasion--and that if I had 'known your power over yourself,' I should not have minded ... no! In other words you believe of me that I was thinking just of my own (what shall I call it for a motive base and small enough?) my own scrupulousness ... freedom from embarrassment! of myself in the least of me; in the tying of my shoestrings, say!--so much and no more! Now this is so wrong, as to make me impatient sometimes in feeling it to be your impression: I asked for silence--but _also_ and chiefly for the putting away of ... you know very well what I asked for. And this was sincerely done, I attest to you. You wrote once to me ... oh, long before May and the day we met: that you 'had been so happy, you should be now justified to yourself in taking any step most hazardous to the happiness of your life'--but if you were justified, could _I_ be therefore justified in abetting such a step,--the step of wasting, in a sense, your best feelings ... of emptying your water gourds into the sand? What I thought then I think now--just what any third person, knowing you, would think, I think and feel. I thought too, at first, that the feeling on your part was a mere generous impulse, likely to expand itself in a week perhaps. It affects me and has affected me, very deeply, more than I dare attempt to say, that you should persist _so_--and if sometimes I have felt, by a sort of instinct, that after all you would not go on to persist, and that (being a man, you know) you might mistake, a little unconsciously, the strength of your own feeling; you ought not to be surprised; when I felt it was more advantageous and happier for you that it should be so. _In any case_, I shall never regret my own share in the events of this summer, and your friendship will be dear to me to the last. You know I told you so--not long since. And as to what you say otherwise, you are right in thinking that I would not hold by unworthy motives in avoiding to speak what you had any claim to hear. But what could I speak that would not be unjust to you? Your life! if you gave it to me and I put my whole heart into it; what should I put but anxiety, and more sadness than you were born to? What could I give you, which it would not be ungenerous to give? Therefore we must leave this subject--and I must trust you to leave it without one word more; (too many have been said already--but I could not let your letter pass quite silently ... as if I had nothing to do but to receive all as matter of course _so_!) while you may well trust _me_ to remember to my life's end, as the grateful remember; and to feel, as those do who have felt sorrow (for where these pits are dug, the water will stand), the full price of your regard. May God bless you, my dearest friend. I shall send this letter after I have seen you, and hope you may not have expected to hear sooner.

Ever yours,

E.B.B.

_Monday, 6 p.m._--I send in _dis_obedience to your commands, Mrs. Shelley's book--but when books accumulate and when besides, I want to let you have the American edition of my poems ... famous for all manner of blunders, you know; what is to be done but have recourse to the parcel-medium? You were in jest about being at Pisa _before or as soon as we were_?--oh no--that must not be indeed--we must wait a little!--even if you determine to go at all, which is a question of doubtful expediency. Do take more exercise, this week, and make war against those dreadful sensations in the head--now, will you?

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Tuesday Evening.
[Post-mark, September 3, 1845.]

I rather hoped ... with no right at all ... to hear from you this morning or afternoon--to know how you are--that, 'how are you,' there is no use disguising, is,--vary it how one may--my own life's question.--

I had better write no more, now. Will you not tell me something about you--the head; and that too, _too_ warm hand ... or was it my fancy? Surely the report of Dr. Chambers is most satisfactory,--all seems to rest with yourself: you know, in justice to me, you _do_ know that _I_ know the all but mockery, the absurdity of anyone's counsel 'to be composed,' &c. &c. But try, dearest friend!

God bless you--

I am yours

R.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Tuesday Night.
[Post-mark, September 3, 1845.]

Before you leave London, I will answer your letter--all my attempts end in nothing now--

Dearest friend--I am yours ever

R.B.

But meantime, you will tell me about yourself, will you not? The parcel came a few minutes after my note left--Well, I can thank you for _that_; for the Poems,--though I cannot wear them round my neck--and for the too great trouble. My heart's friend! Bless you--

_E.B.B. to R.B._

[Post-mark, September 4, 1845.]

Indeed my headaches are not worth enquiring about--I mean, they are not of the slightest consequence, and seldom survive the remedy of a cup of coffee. I only wish it were the same with everybody--I mean, with every _head_! Also there is nothing the matter otherwise--and I am going to prove my right to a 'clean bill of health' by going into the park in ten minutes. Twice round the inner enclosure is what I can compass now--which is equal to once round the world--is it not?

I had just time to be afraid that the parcel had not reached you. The reason why I sent you the poems was that I had a few copies to give to my personal friends, and so, wished you to have one; and it was quite to please myself and not to please _you_ that I made you have it; and if you put it into the 'plum-tree' to hide the errata, I shall be pleased still, if not rather more. Only let me remember to tell you this time in relation to those books and the question asked of yourself by your noble Romans, that just as I was enclosing my sixty-pounds debt to Mr. Moxon, I did actually and miraculously receive a remittance of fourteen pounds from the selfsame bookseller of New York who agreed last year to print my poems at his own risk and give me 'ten per cent on the profit.' Not that I ever asked for such a thing! They were the terms offered. And I always considered the 'per centage' as quite visionary ... put in for the sake of effect, to make the agreement look better! But no--you see! One's poetry has a real 'commercial value,' if you do but take it far away enough from the 'civilization of Europe.' When you get near the backwoods and the red Indians, it turns out to be nearly as good for something as 'cabbages,' after all! Do you remember what you said to me of cabbages _versus_ poems, in one of the first letters you ever wrote to me?--of selling cabbages and buying _Punches_?

People complain of Dr. Chambers and call him rough and unfeeling--neither of which _I_ ever found him for a moment--and I like him for his truthfulness, which is the nature of the man, though it is essential to medical morality never to let a patient think himself mortal while it is possible to prevent it, and even Dr. Chambers may incline to this on occasion. Still he need not have said all the good he said to me on Saturday--he _used_ not to say any of it; and he must have thought some of it: and, any way, the Pisa-case is strengthened all round by his opinion and injunction, so that all my horror and terror at the thoughts of his visit, (and it's really true that I would rather _suffer_ to a certain extent than be _cured_ by means of those doctors!) had some compensation. How are you? do not forget to say! I found among some papers to-day, a note of yours which I asked Mr. Kenyon to give me for an autograph, two years ago.

May God bless you, dearest friend. And I have a dispensation from 'beef and porter' [Greek: eis tous aiônas]. 'On no account' was the answer!

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Friday Afternoon.
[Post-mark, September 5, 1845.]

What you tell me of Dr. Chambers, 'all the good of you' he said, and all I venture to infer; this makes me most happy and thankful. Do you use to attach our old [Greek: tuphlas elpidas] (and the practice of instilling them) to that medical science in which Prometheus boasted himself proficient? I had thought the 'faculty' dealt in fears, on the contrary, and scared you into obedience: but I know most about the doctors in Molière. However the joyous truth is--must be, that you are better, and if one could transport you quietly to Pisa, save you all worry,--what might one not expect!

When I know your own intentions--measures, I should say, respecting your journey--mine will of course be submitted to you--it will just be 'which day next--month'?--Not week, alas.

I can thank you now for this edition of your poems--I have not yet taken to read it, though--for it does not, each volume of it, open obediently to a thought, here, and here, and here, like my green books ... no, my Sister's they are; so these you give me are really mine. And America, with its ten per cent., shall have my better word henceforth and for ever ... for when you calculate, there must have been a really extraordinary circulation; and in a few months: it is what newspapers call 'a great fact.' Have they reprinted the 'Seraphim'? Quietly, perhaps!

I shall see you on Monday, then--

And my all-important headaches are tolerably kept under--headaches proper they are not--but the noise and slight turning are less troublesome--will soon go altogether.

Bless you ever--ever dearest friend.

R.B.

_Oh, oh, oh!_ As many thanks for that precious card-box and jewel of a flower-holder as are consistent with my dismay at finding you _only_ return _them_ ... and not the costly brown paper wrappages also ... to say nothing of the inestimable pins with which my sister uses to fasten the same!

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Saturday.
[Post-mark, September 8, 1845.]

I am in the greatest difficulty about the steamers. Will you think a little for me and tell me what is best to do? It appears that the direct Leghorn steamer will not sail on the third, and may not until the middle of October, and if forced to still further delay, which is possible, will not at all. One of my brothers has been to Mr. Andrews of St. Mary Axe and heard as much as this. What shall I do? The middle of October, say my sisters ... and I half fear that it may prove so ... is too late for me--to say nothing for the uncertainty which completes the difficulty.

On the 20th of September (on the other hand) sails the Malta vessel; and I hear that I may go in it to Gibraltar and find a French steamer there to proceed by. Is there an objection to this--except the change of steamers ... repeated ... for I must get down to Southampton--and the leaving England so soon? Is any better to be done? Do think for me a little. And now that the doing comes so near ... and in this dead silence of Papa's ... it all seems impossible, ... and I seem to see the stars _constellating_ against me, and give it as my serious opinion to you that I shall not go. Now, mark.

But I have had the kindest of letters from dear Mr. Kenyon, urging it--.

Well--I have no time for writing any more--and this is only a note of business to bespeak your thoughts about the steamers. My wisdom looks back regretfully ... only rather too late ... on the Leghorn vessel of the third of September. It would have been wise if I had gone _then_.

May God bless you, dearest friend.

E.B.B.

But if your head turns still, ... _do_ you walk enough? Is there not fault in your not walking, by your own confession? Think of this first--and then, if you please, of the steamers.

So, till Monday!--

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Tuesday.
[Post-mark, September 9, 1845.]

One reason against printing the tragedies now, is your not being well enough for the necessary work connected with them, ... a sure reason and strong ... nay, chiefest of all. Plainly you are unfit for work now--and even to complete the preparation of the lyrics, and take them through the press, may be too much for you, I am afraid; and if so, why you will not do it--will you?--you will wait for another year,--or at least be satisfied for this, with bringing out a number of the old size, consisting of such poems as are fairly finished and require no retouching. 'Saul' for instance, you might leave--! You will not let me hear when I am gone, of your being ill--you will take care ... will you not? Because you see ... or rather _I_ see ... you are _not_ looking well at all--no, you are not! and even if you do not care for that, you should and must care to consider how unavailing it will be for you to hold those golden keys of the future with a more resolute hand than your contemporaries, should you suffer yourself to be struck down before the gate ... should you lose the physical power while keeping the heart and will. Heart and will are great things, and sufficient things in your case--but after all we carry a barrow-full of clay about with us, and we must carry it a little carefully if we mean to keep to the path and not run zigzag into the border of the garden. A figure which reminds me ... and I wanted no figure to remind me ... to ask you to thank your sister for me and from me for all her kindness about the flowers. Now you will not forget? you must not. When I think of the repeated trouble she has taken week after week, and all for a stranger, I must think again that it has been very kind--and I take the liberty of saying so moreover ... _as I am not thanking you_. Also these flowers of yesterday, which yesterday you disdained so, look full of summer and are full of fragrance, and when they seem to say that it is not September, I am willing to be lied to just _so_. For I wish it were not September. I wish it were July ... or November ... two months before or after: and that this journey were thrown behind or in front ... anywhere to be out of sight. You do not know the courage it requires to hold the intention of it fast through what I feel sometimes. If it (the courage) had been prophesied to me only a year ago, the prophet would have been laughed to scorn. Well!--but I want you to see. George's letter, and how he and Mrs. Hedley, when she saw Papa's note of consent to me, give unhesitating counsel. Burn it when you have read it. It is addressed to me ... which you will doubt from the address of it perhaps ... seeing that it goes [Greek: ba ... rbarizôn]. We are famous in this house for what are called nick-names ... though a few of us have escaped rather by a caprice than a reason: and I am never called anything else (never at all) except by the nom de _paix_ which you find written in the letter:--proving as Mr. Kenyon says, that I am just 'half a Ba-by' ... no more nor less;--and in fact the name has that precise definition. Burn the note when you have read it.

And then I take it into my head, as you do not distinguish my sisters, you say, one from the other, to send you my own account of them in these enclosed 'sonnets' which were written a few weeks ago, and though only pretending to be 'sketches,' pretend to be like, as far as they go, and _are_ like--my brothers thought--when I 'showed them against' a profile drawn in pencil by Alfred, on the same subjects. I was laughing and maintaining that mine should be as like as his--and he yielded the point to me. So it is mere portrait-painting--and you who are in 'high art,' must not be too scornful. Henrietta is the elder, and the one who brought you into this room first--and Arabel, who means to go with me to Pisa, has been the most with me through my illness and is the least wanted in the house here, ... and perhaps ... perhaps--is my favourite--though my heart smites me while I write that unlawful word. They are both affectionate and kind to me in all things, and good and lovable in their own beings--very unlike, for the rest; one, most caring for the Polka, ... and the other for the sermon preached at Paddington Chapel, ... _that_ is Arabel ... so if ever you happen to know her you must try not to say before her how 'much you hate &c.' Henrietta always 'managed' everything in the house even before I was ill, ... because she liked it and I didn't, and I waived my right to the sceptre of dinner-ordering.

I have been thinking much of your 'Sordello' since you spoke of it--and even, I _had_ thought much of it before you spoke of it yesterday; feeling that it might be thrown out into the light by your hand, and greatly justify the additional effort. It is like a noble picture with its face to the wall just now--or at least, in the shadow. And so worthy as it is of you in all ways! individual all through: you have _made_ even the darkness of it! And such a work as it might become if you chose ... if you put your will to it! What I meant to say yesterday was not that it wanted more additional verses than the 'ten per cent' you spoke of ... though it does perhaps ... so much as that (to my mind) it wants drawing together and fortifying in the connections and associations ... which hang as loosely every here and there, as those in a dream, and confound the reader who persists in thinking himself awake.

How do you mean that I am 'lenient'? Do you not believe that I tell you what I think, and as I think it? I may _think wrong_, to be sure--but _that_ is not my fault:--and so there is no use reproaching me generally, unless you can convict me definitely at the same time:--is there, now?

And I have been reading and admiring these letters of Mr. Carlyle, and receiving the greatest pleasure from them in every way. He is greatly _himself always_--which is the hardest thing for a man to be, perhaps. And what his appreciation of you is, it is easy to see--and what he expects from you--notwithstanding that prodigious advice of his, to write your next work in prose! Also Mrs. Carlyle's letter--thank you for letting me see it. I admire _that_ too! It is as ingenious 'a case' against poor Keats, as could well be drawn--but nobody who knew very deeply what poetry _is_, _could_, you know, draw any case against him. A poet of the senses, he may be and is, just as she says--but then it is of the senses idealized; and no dream in a 'store-room' would ever be like the 'Eve of St. Agnes,' unless dreamed by some 'animosus infans,' like Keats himself. Still it is all true ... isn't it?... what she observes of the want of thought as thought. He was a _seer_ strictly speaking. And what noble oppositions--(to go back to Carlyle's letters) ... he writes to the things you were speaking of yesterday! These letters are as good as Milton's picture for convicting and putting to shame. Is not the difference between the men of our day and 'the giants which were on the earth,' less ... far less ... in the faculty ... in the gift, ... or in the general intellect, ... than in the stature of the soul itself? Our inferiority is not in what we can do, but in what we are. We should write poems like Milton if [we] lived them like Milton.

I write all this just to show, I suppose, that I am not industrious as you did me the honour of apprehending that I was going to be ... packing trunks perhaps ... or what else in the way of 'active usefulness.'

Say how you are--will you? And do take care, and walk and do what is good for you. I shall be able to see you twice before I go. And oh, this going! Pray for me, dearest friend. May God bless you.

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Thursday Morning.
[Post-mark, September 11, 1845.]

Here are your beautiful, and I am sure _true_ sonnets; they look true--I remember the light hair, I find. And who paints, and dares exhibit, E.B.B.'s self? And surely 'Alfred's' pencil has not foregone its best privilege, not left _the_ face unsketched? Italians call such an 'effect defective'--'l'andar a Roma senza vedere il Papa.' He must have begun by seeing his Holiness, I know, and ... _he_ will not trust me with the result, that my sister may copy it for me, because we are strangers, he and I, and I could give him nothing, nothing like the proper price for it--but _you_ would lend it to me, I think, nor need I do more than thank you in my usual effective and very eloquent way--for I have already been allowed to visit you seventeen times, do you know; and this last letter of yours, fiftieth is the same! So all my pride is gone, pride in that sense--and I mean to take of you for ever, and reconcile myself with my lot in this life. Could, and would, you give me such a sketch? It has been on my mind to ask you ever since I knew you if nothing in the way of _good_ portrait existed--and this occasion bids me speak out, I dare believe: the more, that you have also quieted--have you not?--another old obstinate and very likely impertinent questioning of mine--as to the little name which was neither Orinda, nor Sacharissa (for which thank providence) and is never to appear in books, though you write them. Now I know it and write it--'Ba'--and thank you, and your brother George, and only burned his kind letter because you bade me who know best. So, wish by wish, one gets one's wishes--at least I do--for one instance, you will go to Italy

Why, 'lean and harken after it' as Donne says--

Don't expect Neapolitan Scenery at Pisa, quite in the North, remember. Mrs. Shelley found Italy for the first time, real Italy, at Sorrento, she says. Oh that book--does one wake or sleep? The 'Mary dear' with the brown eyes, and Godwin's daughter and Shelley's wife, and who surely was something better once upon a time--and to go through Rome and Florence and the rest, after what I suppose to be Lady Londonderry's fashion: the intrepidity of the commonplace quite astounds me. And then that way, when she and the like of her are put in a new place, with new flowers, new stones, faces, walls, all new--of looking wisely up at the sun, clouds, evening star, or mountain top and wisely saying 'who shall describe _that_ sight!'--Not _you_, we very well see--but why don't you tell us that at Rome they eat roasted chestnuts, and put the shells into their aprons, the women do, and calmly empty the whole on the heads of the passengers in the street below; and that at Padua when a man drives his waggon up to a house and stops, all the mouse-coloured oxen that pull it from a beam against their foreheads sit down in a heap and rest. But once she travelled the country with Shelley on arm; now she plods it, Rogers in hand--to such things and uses may we come at last! Her remarks on art, once she lets go of Rio's skirts, are amazing--Fra Angelico, for instance, only painted Martyrs, Virgins &c., she had no eyes for the divine _bon-bourgeoisie_ of his pictures; the dear common folk of his crowds, those who sit and listen (spectacle at nose and bent into a comfortable heap to hear better) at the sermon of the Saint--and the children, and women,--divinely pure they all are, but fresh from the streets and market place--but she is wrong every where, that is, not right, not seeing what is to see, speaking what one expects to hear--I quarrel with her, for ever, I think.

I am much better, and mean to be well as you desire--shall correct the verses you have seen, and make them do for the present.

Saturday, then! And one other time only, do you say?

God bless you, my own, best friend.

Yours ever

R.B.

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Thursday.
[Post-mark, September 11, 1845.]

Will you come on Friday ... to-morrow ... instead of Saturday--will it be the same thing? Because I have heard from Mr. Kenyon, who is to be in London on Friday evening he says, and therefore may mean to visit me on Saturday I imagine. So let it be Friday--if you should not, for any reason, prove Monday to be better still.

May God bless you--

Ever yours,

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Saturday Morning.
[Post-mark, September 13, 1845.]

Now, dearest, I will try and write the little I shall be able, in reply to your letter of last week--and first of all I have to entreat you, now more than ever, to help me and understand from the few words the feelings behind them--(should _speak_ rather more easily, I think--but I dare not run the risk: and I know, after all, you will be just and kind where you can.) I have read your letter again and again. I will tell you--no, not _you_, but any imaginary other person, who should hear what I am going to avow; I would tell that person most sincerely there is not a particle of fatuity, shall I call it, in that avowal; cannot be, seeing that from the beginning and at this moment I never dreamed of winning your _love_. I can hardly write this word, so incongruous and impossible does it seem; such a change of our places does it imply--nor, next to that, though long after, _would_ I, if I _could_, supplant one of any of the affections that I know to have taken root in you--_that_ great and solemn one, for instance. I feel that if I could get myself _remade_, as if turned to gold, I WOULD not even then desire to become more than the mere setting to _that_ diamond you must always wear. The regard and esteem you now give me, in this letter, and which I press to my heart and bow my head upon, is all I can take and all too embarrassing, using _all_ my gratitude. And yet, with that contented pride in being infinitely your debtor as it is, bound to you for ever as it is; when I read your letter with all the determination to be just to us both; I dare not so far withstand the light I am master of, as to refuse seeing that whatever is recorded as an objection to your disposing of that life of mine I would give you, has reference to some supposed good in that life which your accepting it would destroy (of which fancy I shall speak presently)--I say, wonder as I may at this, I cannot but find it there, surely there. I could no more 'bind _you_ by words,' than you have bound me, as you say--but if I misunderstand you, one assurance to that effect will be but too intelligible to me--but, as it _is_, I have difficulty in imagining that while one of so many reasons, which I am not obliged to repeat to myself, but which any one easily conceives; while _any one_ of those reasons would impose silence on me _for ever_ (for, as I observed, I love you as you now are, and _would_ not remove one affection that is already part of you,)--_would_ you, being able to speak _so_, only say _that you_ desire not to put 'more sadness than I was born to,' into my life?--that you 'could give me only what it were ungenerous to give'?

Have I your meaning here? In so many words, is it on my account that you bid me 'leave this subject'? I think if it were so, I would for once call my advantages round me. I am not what your generous self-forgetting appreciation would sometimes make me out--but it is not since yesterday, nor ten nor twenty years before, that I began to look into my own life, and study its end, and requirements, what would turn to its good or its loss--and I _know_, if one may know anything, that to make that life yours and increase it by union with yours, would render me _supremely happy_, as I said, and say, and feel. My whole suit to you is, in that sense, _selfish_--not that I am ignorant that _your_ nature would most surely attain happiness in being conscious that it made another happy--but _that best, best end of all_, would, like the rest, come from yourself, be a reflection of your own gift.

Dearest, I will end here--words, persuasion, arguments, if they were at my service I would not use them--I believe in you, altogether have faith in you--in you. I will not think of insulting by trying to reassure you on one point which certain phrases in your letter might at first glance seem to imply--you do not understand me to be living and labouring and writing (and _not_ writing) in order to be successful in the world's sense? I even convinced the people _here_ what was my true 'honourable position in society,' &c. &c. therefore I shall not have to inform _you_ that I desire to be very rich, very great; but not in reading Law gratis with dear foolish old Basil Montagu, as he ever and anon bothers me to do;--much less--enough of this nonsense.