Chapter VIII: Act I: used, my stuff depended a great deal on what had happened that (2)

The _Illiterate Digest_ has devoted its life work to ferreting out the Persons and things in our National affairs which are not just exactly up to snuff. Now I see where the Senate Investigating Committee has called a recess for 10 days. Scandals were unfolding themselves so fast that the Committee couldn’t get one Bribe straight in their minds before another one would bob up. So they retired to kinder see where they were at.

Now, while that committee may be resting, the _Illiterate Digest_ never rests; we are on the heels of the evildoer 24 hours of every bribing day. I hope by the time this reaches an eager waiting Public that they will have found two Lawyers to conduct this Oil investigation. Just think, America has one hundred and ten million population, 90 percent of which are Lawyers, yet we can’t find two of them who have not worked at some time or another for an Oil company. There has been at least one lawyer engaged for every barrel of Oil that ever come out of the ground.

You might wonder if they pay so much to Lawyers how do they ever make anything out of the Oil? Foolish question. They don’t make anything out of the Oil. They only make money out of the stock they sell. You buy a share of oil stock and for every dollar you pay, 60 percent goes for Lawyers’ fees, 30 percent to over Capitalization, and 10 percent goes to the boring of a Dry Hole.

If a Company just put down Wells for Oil, and then sold the oil legitimately, they would have no use at all for Lawyers. But Oil Men engage their Lawyers nowadays even before they have leased the land or know where they are going to prospect. For the lawyer has to make the lease. It’s not like any other business where the owner and the man who is going to lease can meet and do business. Oh no, Lawyers must do that. Then, if they happen to be leasing from the Government, why they not only have to be Lawyers but have to be Political Lawyers.

Now, I bet a lot of you thought after the Company had got the land leased, that the next thing to do was to hire a Driller to put the Well down. But you are wrong again. You go out and get another Lawyer. You have to have another Lawyer to draw up the contract with the driller.

Then I bet that you think the next step is to wait until you see whether you have Oil or not. Say, don’t make me laugh out loud again. You don’t wait for anything of the kind: you engage another Lawyer to draw up some pretty Oil Stock Paper with nice flowered edges. Looks like a marriage license--only worse. Then you start selling the stock, claiming that the BoHunk Oil Company are putting down a Well on Smith 29, North East 40 of South West 80. Then if they do strike something, they shut it up and claim it was a Duster.

Then they get another Local Lawyer who knows everybody around that neck of the Woods, to go out and buy up or lease all the adjoining land. Then, when they get it all leased, they go back and pick the stopper out of this. Well, double the Capitalization of Stock under the direction of still another Lawyer, and then they are in a position to hire more Lawyers to investigate getting a Lease from Persia, or Jugo-Slavia. This just kinder gives you a rough idea of what all these Lawyers do and why we can’t get any to help prosecute this Oil Scream.

The _Illiterate Digest_ will have to take Editorial attention of the resignation of Sectry Denby. Mr. Denby was requested by the Senate to resign. Now that in itself is a mighty good Omen that he is an unusually able man. Of course, where I think he got in bad was in saying, if he had the same thing to do over again he would do it. It is always bad for any one on trial to say he would do the same thing over again. American People like to have you repent; then they are generous.

But you see lots of times a man gets in wrong just by an ill timed remark. Look at Mr. Doheny’s reported remark that he would “make 100 million out of the Elk Hills lease.” That will go down in History as the highest priced Gag ever pulled. That’s why Mr. Coolidge never gets in bad. If a man will just stay hushed he is hard to find out.

Personally and Editorially, I don’t think Mr. Denby is guilty at all of any wrong-doing that he knew of. But somebody has got to go in this thing, and before it’s all over you are mighty apt to find a few innocent along with all the guilty strewn along by the Pipe Line.

By the way, sometime this Country, just by accident, is going to get some man Sectry of the Navy who has at least received a Picture Post Card of Annapolis, sometime during his career. Josephus Daniels had never been in anything bigger than a Row Boat up to the time he was made Sectry of the Navy. The first Battleship he got on he kept looking for the Paddle Wheels on the side that made it go. He found the Officers in those days had Cocktail and Cordial Glasses with their Table wear. He made them throw them all overboard. He thought they would sink the Ship. What he lacked in seamanship, he made up in morality.

Then came Mr. Denby who had received his Maritime Education by looking at the Detroit River (which is so thick with Booze Boats that you can’t see the Water) naturally his Aquatic viewpoint is rather warped.

I guess Young Theodore Roosevelt comes nearer being an Old Salt than anyone connected with our Ex Oil Owners (The Navy). He did live in Oyster Bay overlooking Long Island Sound, and had to look at the Joy Line cruising, 1$ daily, to Providence. Then he had to Subway under the East River to get to New York. So I guess he is the only Sectry we have that knows just by looking at one, which end of a Battleship is the front.

Judging by the previous experience of some of our sectrys, of various things in our Cabinets, it has always been a source of great anxiety to me just why a Vetenerian has never been appointed either Sectry of War or PostMaster General.

Now by the time this reaches our Scandal loving Public I don’t know who will be left in Washington. The chances are, when I visit the old stamping ground again, I will have to make entirely new acquaintances. But I will always have the feeling, “Well the old Boys were not so bad. They were just unfortunate in getting caught.”

It certainly looks like a tough year. Politicians are so busy trying to hold down their own Jobs that they won’t have any time to look out for anyone else. They will be voting a Bonus to men who lost their livelihood in the great morality Panic of 1924.

Children in future years will ask their Parents, “Father how much did you get in the great Year 1924?”

It’s been a fine thing for Washington. The Hotels are crowded. Every time a Guest registers the Clerk asks him, “I suppose you will be here until you testify.” It’s a bigger thing for Washington than the Shriners’ Convention, because it has all of them, besides a lot more.

If they would all tell the truth the first time they testify they wouldn’t have to testify again like they are doing now, and they would get the thing over a lot quicker. They ought to pass a rule in this Country that in any investigations, if a Man couldn’t tell the truth the first time he shouldn’t be allowed to try again.

Now we have another Scandal in the Veterans’ Bureau. But we are just in such shape that we can’t take care of but one Scandal at a time. If any other small affairs come up during the coming season that look like they might develop into a Scandal I will try to let you know.

ANOTHER HOT CONFESSION IN THE OIL SCANDAL

ANOTHER HOT CONFESSION IN THE OIL SCANDAL

I wish this Oil Scandal would hurry up and be settled as it is very hard for one writing on affairs of our Country to tell, in writing of our Officials, whether to speak of them as Secretary So and So, or Ex-Secretary So and So. Up to now I claim a very unique distinction. I am the only Person I know of that has not been mentioned as receiving something in the nature of a Fee from some Big Corporation. But I am going to get in early and tell just what I received so when my name comes up later on people will say: “Well there is a Man who has accepted Fees but he was honest about them and come to the front and told it.” As I can’t get to Washington to testify I want to tell through the Digest, for which I am Scandal Correspondent, just what happened to me. If I was in Washington I probably couldn’t get to testify as there is so many ahead of me that it will take years for just the People who work for the Government to tell who gave them something.

I know a Man that went to Washington to testify as to money he had received and there was 29 Cabinet and Ex Cabinet Members in line ahead of him so he had to just write it and send it in. Now this whole thing was a strictly Republican affair until Mr. Doheny (who never lets Politics interfere with his Business) appeared before the Commission, and when it looked like he was the only Oil be-spattered sheep in the Democratic Fold, he just kicked over an Oil Can and hiding behind it were a flock of Democrats that reached almost as far back as Jefferson’s Administration.

Personally I am glad that he did unearth members of both Parties for if this thing had gone through showing no one but Republicans, it would have cast a reflection on the shrewdness of the Democratic Party. In other words they would have looked rather dumb to be standing around with all these Oily Shekels falling all around them and not opening their Pockets to catch a few. For the American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.

But to get back to my confession for I want to be set right before the people by the time we meet in Madison Square Garden in June to select the worst man. Mine starts out like a Fairy Story.

Once upon a time, I had just gone to work for Florenz Ziegfeld, Jr., and was playing in what was called Ziegfeld’s Midnight Frolic, on the Roof of the Amsterdam Theatre, New York. Prohibition and my Jokes were equally responsible in closing the place up. Now my home is (as I think I mentioned before) Claremore, Oklahoma, (The home of the best Curative Waters in the World) and, by the way, one of the best towns in the World to live in if any of you are thinking about making a change.

Well, after I had finished my little 15 minutes of annoyance in the Frolic one night, one of the Waiters (for instead of having Ushers to hand you a Programme, they had Waiters to hand you a drink, and I tell you, you can’t beat some of the old customs). Well this well tipped Waiter come to my dressing room, which I used to hang my ropes in, and said, “There is a Party of folks out front at one of the Tables from Oklahoma, and they want you to come out and see them.” I asked what place in Oklahoma did they come from, and he said, “I don’t know but they certainly got the Dough; they have ordered everything in the place but the Kitchen Stove.” I said, “They are from Tulsa. I will be right out.”

Well I hid what few dollars I had down in my Sock, and went out to see them. It was Mr. Harry Sinclair. I had never heard of him before, for he hadn’t bought Zev or the Teapot Dome up to then. But we soon felt like we knew each other, on account of him being from Tulsa (a Residential Suburb of Claremore where we park our millionaires to keep them from getting under our feet). He knew my Father who had been a member of the Constitutional Convention, which drafted the Charter of Oklahoma.

Well, this Mr. Sinclair was an awful nice fellow. We hit it off pretty good. We kinder consoled each other, on account of being so far from home, and trying to eke out an existence from these shrewd New Yorkers. He took a fatherly interest in me, and asked, “Now, Will, you are working here but what are you doing with your money?” So I told him just what I was doing with it, that the last three months’ wages had gone to paying a Doctor and a Nurse, for assisting us in accumulating another Baby, and that the three months previous to that my wages had gone to making the first payment on a second hand Overland car, and that the year still previous to that I had bought a Baby Buggy and a Victrola.

Well, he seemed mighty pleased that I was putting my money into such staple commodities. So I asked him what he was doing with his. He said, “I struck Oil, but Oil is no good unless its Capitalized.”

Well, that was news to me. I thought you could just sell the Oil itself. But I learned that you can get twice as much for the Capital as you can for the Oil.

So then he asked me the names of my Private Herd. I told him I had gone to a great deal of trouble and thought in naming them and after months of research among pretty and odd names of Novels and Poems, I had decided to name the Children, Bill, Mary and Jim.

Well, he had never heard of anything more original. The names I thought struck him very odd, as he wrote all three of them down on the back of an Envelope. So I left the Table as I didn’t want to be there when the Waiter presented his check. For I had seen several Casualties from this same cause.

I never thought much more about it. I went home and told my Wife about meeting him, and what do you think happened! In a couple of days here comes three official letters addressed to Bill, Mary and Jim, and they had enclosed a Share each of Sinclair Oil Stock _free_. Well we thought that was a mighty fine thing for him to do to be so thoughtful of our little Tribe. I accepted it in as good faith as McAdoo did his Fee.

I don’t know if the Senate investigating Committee will get around to them soon or not. Of course they will have to get through before Election for the whole thing will be a total loss after election. All I have to say is that the Children were Private Citizens and did not promise to use any influence in any way. Of course, I, as the Father and Guardian of the Children, will be apt to come in for considerable criticism, and I may go so far as to lose any chance I may have as being named as a Presidential possibility.

Now I hate this for the Children’s sake that all this must come out for it is liable to put a stigma on their names that they will be two Campaigns living down. One thing, of course, will be in their favor when it all does come out and that is that it was sent openly through the mails. It was not delivered in a Suit Case.

They have had these shares for years and have also received at various times a Dollar or so Interest on said Stock. When this Expose came out Bill and Mary were for resigning and sending in their Stock, so they could show that they were not connected with the Corporation, but Jim, the youngest, who has a touch of Republicanism in him, why, he said, “No, let’s stick until they throw us out. Let them prove we took these Stocks for some other reason than Charity!”

What makes it look bad is, that my Wife wrote a note and thanked him. But the children did not sign the Note. So when he is called upon to testify he will have her Note but it won’t have the Children’s Signature on it. Of course he can say it was tore off, or that his Wife has that part of it, or some other equally good reason. But I want the Public to be lenient with both him and the Children, for as past events have proven they haven’t done a thing for him to warrant them getting those Stocks. So I honestly believe he meant no harm when he gave them.

As for Mr. Doheny giving me or mine anything, we live right near him here in Beverly Hills. His son did promise me a key, so I wouldn’t have to ride clear around his Estate when out horseback riding, but I never got it yet.

THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

Comedy Drama

Entitled

THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

PLACE--Washington, D. C.

TIME--From 1924 to 1930.

SCENE--One of the 40 Investigating Rooms of the U. S. Senate.

CAST OF CHARACTERS--Everybody that ever worked for, or just Worked the United States.

HERO--Senator Walsh, assisted by Lenroot and accomplices.

VILLAINS--Entire list of Who’s Who in America.

_The Scene opens on a greasy Monday morning with_ JOHN F. MAJOR _being quizzed by_ SENATOR WALSH.

SENATOR WALSH

Do you work for a Man that runs a Newspaper?

MR. MAJOR

I draw a salary from him.

SENATOR WALSH

What right have you to send Telegrams to a Man in Palm Beach if you are only working for him?

MR. MAJOR

I couldn’t get him on the Telephone.

SENATOR WALSH

What did you tell him in your Telegrams?

MR. MAJOR

What was going on in Washington.

SENATOR WALSH

What did he tell you in his Telegrams to you?

MR. MAJOR

What was going on in Palm Beach.

SENATOR WALSH

What was going on at the time in Washington?

MR. MAJOR

Why the Senate Committee was investigating somebody.

SENATOR WALSH

Who were they investigating?

MR. MAJOR

They didn’t know themselves.

SENATOR WALSH

What did he say was going on in Palm Beach?

MR. MAJOR

I am ashamed to tell you.

SENATOR WALSH

Who were these Telegrams from in Palm Beach?

MR. MAJOR

I can’t remember.

SENATOR WALSH

Did you lease a Wire from Palm Beach to Washington?

MR. MAJOR

I can’t remember.

SENATOR WALSH

Why did you lease the Wire?

MR. MAJOR

So we could say we had a Wire to Palm Beach. It was good advertising.

SENATOR WALSH

Who operated this wire?

MR. MAJOR

A Telegraph Operator.

SENATOR WALSH

What was his name?

MR. MAJOR

I think it was Jones, or Smith; maybe it was Brown.

SENATOR WALSH

Who operated the wire from Palm Beach?

MR. MAJOR

Johnny.

SENATOR WALSH

Johnny who?

MR. MAJOR

Johnny Johnnnny.

SENATOR WALSH

Did the operator on this end work at the White House also?

MR. MAJOR

Yes he was the Waiter there.

SENATOR WALSH

Did he work there during the Republican or Democratic Administration?

SENATOR LODGE

Mr. Committee, I object to that question. This is not a Partisan affair; I refuse to have the honor and the glory of the Great Republican Party dragged into a thing where up to now their fair name has never been.

SENATOR CARAWAY

Mr. Committee, I object to the Senator from Massachusetts’ slurring remarks of the Democratic Party; a Party which has housed such illustrious names as Jefferson, Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown, Bryan, McAdoo, and sometimes Jim Reed.

MR. MAJOR

Senator Walsh have you got a Cigarette on you?

SENATOR WALSH

No I just got some cubebs here.

MR. MAJOR

Never mind I will go across the Street and get some. See you next time I am called.

SENATOR WALSH

Gentlemen, I think the Committee should retire for a week to consider the Testimony of the Gentleman who has just testified.

SENATOR LENROOT

But Mr. Chairman, Mr. Doheny’s Yacht is waiting to take him on a Cruise of the Mediterranean, and I don’t think it’s fair to keep him waiting.

SENATOR WHEELER

Mr. Chairman, I make a motion, that the Committee make a motion, that Attorney General Daugherty resign.

SENATOR LODGE

Mr. Chairman, I object. His motion is out of order. I had a motion before the Committee asking the Committee asking the Committee to make a motion, to ask him to stay. Now, by all the rules of Parliamentary motion making, mine anti-dates his. And I will stake a Reputation on it that goes back to the first class Passengers that landed from that Mother Ship of mine the Mayflower, who have so gloriously populated the fair state of Massachusetts.

SENATOR ROBINSON

Mr. Chairman, I object. The fair state of Arkansas houses one direct descendant of that Plymouth Rock Expedition. And I protest when the Gentleman from Massachusetts claims the entire Cargo of that ill-fated Voyage. Never as long as I represent the majority constituency of my Glorious state will I stand by and hear the ozone swept Ozarks spoken of disparagingly, especially by that Moron State of Massachusetts.

SENATOR WILLIS

Gentlemen, I don’t think that Mr. Daugherty should be let out without a trial.

SENATOR WHEELER

Why, he has had three year’s trial already. His trial is what’s letting him out.

SENATOR WALSH

Who will we call next?

DOORTENDER

Why just get a Census return, and call anybody’s name on it; they are waiting outside.

SENATOR LA FOLLETTE

Why don’t you call somebody unexpectedly, and maybe in their confusion they will tell the truth accidentally.

SENATOR LENROOT

Who said anything about wanting the truth?

SENATOR HEFLIN

I want to ask the Committee why they called on Mr. Fall at his hotel in private.

SENATOR WALSH

We wanted to see where he got the hundred thousand. We may retire ourselves some day.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Why didn’t you tell at the time that you went to see him?

SENATOR WALSH

Wait a minute, who is running this investigation? Am I supposed to ask the questions, or to answer them?

SENATOR LENROOT

Where is Sinclair?

MR. ZEVERLY

(whose running name is Zev.)

My Client, Mr. Sinclair has gone to the races and it will be impossible for him to appear until after the season is over.

SENATOR WALSH

Well how about McLane? Can we get him?

SENATOR CARAWAY

You can get him by Telegraph, I guess. Everybody else has.

SENATOR WALSH

Well, where is Detective William J. Burns? He was supposed to testify here today.

DOORTENDER

Mr. Chairman, I met him on the Street and he couldn’t find the Capitol Building.

SENATOR MOSES

I make a motion that we examine the Income Tax and see what Mr. Doheny contributed to the Democratic Campaign Fund.

SENATOR JIM REED

I object. Senator Moses is a Republican and he is only throwing a smoke Screen to try and hide his Party behind it. This is not a Partisan question and I object to politics being dragged into it in any way. Let’s handle this thing in a dignified way, and don’t let Politics play any part. As it was the Republicans that did it, I am in favor of justice being served.

DOORTENDER

Mr. Forbes is here and wants to testify.

ENTIRE SENATE

“My Lord, Is he in this, too?”

P. S.--This play to be continued until somebody tells the truth.

WELL, WHO IS PRUNES?

WELL, WHO IS PRUNES?

2nd Episode of the great Dramatic Serial,

THE TRUTH, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP ME GOD.

_Same scene as the first Episode--the Third Degree Room of the Grand Jury of the United States Senate._ MR. SENATOR WALSH _leading question asker of a body of men noted for their inquisitiveness_.

DOORTENDER OF THIS TORTURE CHAMBER

Who will we call first today?

SENATOR WALSH

Call the Editorial Writer of that newspaper.

DOORMAN

But, Mr. Walsh, we just called him yesterday.

SENATOR WALSH

I know we did but call him again. A whole lot is happening in this country between yesterday and today. Now Mr. Bennett who was it that you referred to as the Principal in those wires to Palm Beach?

MR. BENNETT

Why, Senator Curtis.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Curses on the Luck. I thought it was Coolidge.

SENATOR HARRISON

Wish it had of been Coolidge. It’s no novelty to get a Senator in Wrong.

SENATOR WALSH

What did you confer with Curtis about?

MR. BENNETT

About the Editorial Policy of our Paper.

SENATOR WALSH

Well what does the Editorial Policy of any Paper amount to? You don’t suppose anybody reads those things do you? Why one Ad is worth more to a paper than 40 Editorials. That will be all for you Mr. Bennett.

SENATOR CARAWAY

Just a minute before you go. Who was Peaches in those Telegrams?

MR. BENNETT

I don’t remember.

SENATOR ROBINSON

Yes, and who was Prunes? I hope it referred to no Democrat.

SENATOR WALSH

Call Mr. Curtis.

SENATOR WALSH

Senator Curtis, will you tell the Grand Jury in your own way just what happened between you and this Editorial Writer of the Washington _Post_.

MR. CURTIS

Yes Sir.

SENATOR WALSH

What was it?

MR. CURTIS

Nothing.

SENATOR WALSH

You mean you didn’t confer with this Gentleman?

MR. CURTIS

I did not.

SENATOR WALSH

But you know him?

MR. CURTIS

Never saw him in my life.

SENATOR WALSH

But you have heard of him?

MR. CURTIS

Never in my life.

SENATOR WALSH

But you know of the Washington _Post_?

MR. CURTIS

Yes sir, I have heard it.

SENATOR WALSH

Heard it? What do you mean you heard it?

MR. CURTIS

I have heard Sousa’s Band play it many a time.

SENATOR WALSH

Play what?

MR. CURTIS

Washington’s Post.

SENATOR WALSH

It’s not a tune; it’s a Newspaper. You talk like a Congressman. Where are you from?

MR. CURTIS

Kansas.

SENATOR WALSH

That will be all.

SENATOR CARAWAY

Just a minute, Mr. Curtis, Who is Peaches?

MR. CURTIS

I don’t know unless it’s Jim Reed.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Just a minute. I object to the Republican Senator’s slur on the fair name of the Democratic Party. This Investigation is supposed to be Non Sectarian, and I object to having Politics dragged in, just to make a Republican Holiday.

SENATOR ROBINSON

And I want to know who Prunes was.

MR. CURTIS

You mean you want to know who Prunes IS.

SENATOR LENROOT

Mr. Walsh, and Gentlemen of the Vigilance Committee there is a Bell Boy over at my Hotel and he just got it from the chauffeur of a Prominent Oil Man, that Major Leonard Wood’s Son had just heard that his Father was offered the Nomination for the Presidency 3 and a Half years ago, if he would appoint Mr. Jake Hamon Secretary of the Interior. Now that is a very serious charge, and one that I think this Committee should look into at once. Public affairs have come to a fine Climax when a Man in this Country offers to make another one President. I tell you it is undermining the confidence of the Great American People and when you do that you shake the very Bulwarks of the American Constitution. I think a Subpœna should be issued for Mr. Wood’s Son at once and if this is so I am for a swift and speedy trial for the Culprits.

SENATOR WALSH

I am for calling Mr. Wood himself. There’s one thing that this Committee has proven that it won’t take, and that is Hear Say Evidence. So call Mr. Wood himself.

MR. MOSES

(The Senator one, Not the Apostle One)

But, Mr. Walsh, Mr. Wood is in the Philippines.

SENATOR WALSH

I thought he was home. Haven’t they got their Independence yet?

MR. MOSES

No, Mr. Coolidge wouldn’t give it to them.

SENATOR WALSH

What’s the matter? Have they struck oil, too?

MR. MOSES

No, Mr. Coolidge told them that a Nation that would not support Wood’s Administration certainly would not be able to support one of their own.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Well, how did America get Independence? They didn’t support Wood.

SENATOR REED

Who said we had any independence?

SENATOR LODGE

(The Confucius of Nahant)

I object to having the President of these United States’ name dragged into this thing. I think when a Man occupies the exalted position that he does that his name should not be degraded by having it mentioned in The Senate. Now I know that he is doing the best he can. I have known him ever since he got prominent enough for me to know. In the eight months that I have known him, I have found him to be patient, honest, and a Man who would not knowingly rob a single Filipino of his Liberty. This is simply a Political trick to drag his name into this Philippine muddle.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Yes but he sent the Filipinos the Wire didn’t he! And it’s wires that we are here to investigate ain’t it?

SENATOR HARRISON

Does the exalted Senator from Massachusetts recall that during the late Democratic Administration, he himself during the talk on European Affairs mentioned not only once, but twice, the name of the then President, Mr. Wilson? Now he don’t want us to mention his President.

SENATOR HEFLIN

Well it’s funny to me that a Country can’t get their Liberty, when they have advanced far enough to have the Champion Bantamweight Prize Fighter of the World. I know Countries that have their Liberty, when they can’t even produce a good Golf Player and that’s the lowest form of Civilization.

SENATOR CARAWAY

I would like to ask Mr. Lodge if he knows who Peaches is.

SENATOR LODGE

I do not. It’s the only subject I ever admitted being ignorant on.

SENATOR ROBINSON

Well, I want to know who Prunes IS.

SENATOR LODGE

You mean who Prunes AM, don’t you?

SENATOR ROBINSON

Darn it; that man is a bear on Grammar.

SENATOR WALSH

I think the committee should adjourn until we can get Mr. Wood himself.

DOORMAN

Excuse me, Mr. Walsh, but there is a Gentleman out here who wants to testify in regard to the Doheny and Sinclair leases. What can I tell him?

SENATOR WALSH

Oh, yes, I had forgotten about those. Tell him as soon as we get this Wood for President affair settled, and Jack Dempsey’s mysterious sickness, and Babe Ruth’s collapse, that we will be able to get to that Oil Lease thing again.

SENATOR COPELAND

Mr. Walsh, I was in New York last night and I heard Mr. Vanderlip make a Speech to the Rotary Club of Coney Island, and he said, “I have it on absolutely reliable authority that George Washington never crossed the Delaware. That fellow you see in the Picture in the middle of the Boat was a fellow doubling for him, and if I am called I will be glad to give this information that I possess to the Senate Investigating Committee.”

SENATOR WALSH

Mr. Secretary, call Mr. Vanderlip at once.

MR. LENROOT

Let’s not call him until tomorrow, Mr. Walsh, as he will make another speech tonight perhaps on what he discovered about Lincoln. So we can quiz him on both men at once.

MR. CARAWAY

Well, before we adjourn, I want to know who Peaches is.

MR. ROBINSON

Well, I want to know who Prunes WERE.

POLITICS GETTING READY TO JELL

POLITICS GETTING READY TO JELL

The _Illiterate Digest_, after reviewing the news, finds that Politics is sure at the point when it is about to jell. My old friend Jim Reed from the smelly banks of the Kaw River has broke out again. If you have done anything against the welfare or conventions of the United States, and everybody has passed their various opinions on you, and you think you have been roasted to a dark bay, why, until Jim Reed breaks out on you, you haven’t been called anything.

Well, it was kinder funny Jim was to make a Washington Day speech. Naturally everyone supposed it to be on George Washington, but it was the only speech ever made on Washington’s Birthday that didn’t have a word about Washington. He didn’t even mention his name. I don’t know that McAdoo, Denby, Daugherty, Doheny, and others will consider it much Flattery, but it will go down in History as being the only time they ever replaced Washington.

Reed wouldn’t have been any good making a speech on Washington, anyway. He would have been expected to compliment him and I doubt if he could think of anything George had ever done that really was worth while.

Vanderlip made a speech at the Rotary Club of Ossining, New York, that astonished the United States. Now that speech didn’t astonish me near as much as the knowledge that Ossining _had_ a Rotary Club. For the sake of the unfingerprinted ones, I will state that Ossining is the Town where Sing Sing is permanently located. Now if Ossining has a Rotary Club they certainly had to take in some Lay Members from this Musically named Institution.

But when you come to think of it, just think what a Distinguished Rotary Club they could have at that. Rotary is composed of one of the best of each line of work or business. Just think what a competitive thing it would be trying to find in Ossining the leading Burglar sojourning with them at the time, or the most representative Pickpocket to represent them in the Club. And Bankers! Mr. Vanderlip must have felt right at home up there. There are more Bankers in Ossining than any Town of its size in the United States.

A two year residence is necessary to be able to join the Rotary. Can you imagine them questioning members of Sing Sing, “Have you been a resident of this Town for two years?” and the answer would be, “Yes Sir, constantly.”

So, as I say, it was not the things Mr. Vanderlip said that attracted the unusual attention. It was the distinguished audience that he delivered it to. Just to show you the difference: Appearing before the Rotary Club of Sing Sing he caused a commotion by his Speech. He took the same Act down to Washington and nobody would listen to him. It shows you have to have an intelligent audience. Up in Sing Sing they got what he was talking about but down in Washington it went right over their heads.

I know, for last winter while playing in New York I was asked to go over to a big Charity affair given by the 400 of 5th Avenue. I thought I had a pretty good line of Gags, as there was quite a lot happening every day of Public interest. So I go over and start in telling them what I had read in the Papers and nobody even cracked a smile, much less laughed. So I just kept on trying remarks on every subject that had been in the papers since Bryan last got a Hair cut. But it was about one of the worst Flops I ever encountered, and I have had some beauts in my time.

Well, of course, I felt terrible about it, so just by a coincidence on the very next night I had promised to go up to Ossining and do an act for (at that time it wasn’t called the Rotary Club). I think then they called it Inmates. There was no show--just me alone went up to add to the hardships of Prison Life. Well I never knew I had as many friends in the World. I knew everybody up there. I was twice as much at home as I had been on 5th Avenue the night before. So now I know why Vanderlip picked out Ossining for his Annual February Oration.

I started in on those same Jokes on up-to-date things that had flopped so completely at the Millionaire’s Charity affair. Why, say, they just started right in dying laughing at them. I was sorry Ziegfeld wasn’t there, as I would have got a raise in salary if he had heard how my act went. I don’t care what I talked about they knew all about it.

Ordinarily, I only do about 15 or 20 minutes but up there I did an Hour and a Quarter. I was so tickled I offered to take all the whole audience of 12 hundred down to the Follies and pay their way in to see our Show. Now you know I must feel pretty good with myself, when I offer to spend my Dough like that. A lot of people would be kinder sore at the 400 because they didn’t laugh like these 12 hundred did, but I am not. I don’t blame them. If I had their money I wouldn’t read either. So I can understand very readily why Vanderlip’s act didn’t go so big in Washington as it did in Ossining.

Of course Van and I use just the opposite methods in our Stage performances. Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. Vanderlip bases his Gags on Rumor.

Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don’t stay put as long as Truth. I will, however, give him credit for one thing. While here lately everybody is telling what he has heard, and all about this and that rumor, why, he thought of by far the best ones I have heard up to now.

That’s no small accomplishment I tell you, in this year of Rumors, to be able to say at the end of it: “Well, I told the best ones.”

His were so good that before his audience got through applauding at Sing Sing (or rather Ossining) why, they had him on the stand at Washington. That’s the first time a Theatrical troup ever jumped from Ossining to Washington.

They even put him on ahead of Fall, Sinclair, and all the Headliners.

TWO LONG LOST FRIENDS FOUND AT LAST

TWO LONG LOST FRIENDS FOUND AT LAST

Well, sir, I have a real Message for my readers. It looked like it would be just the ordinary Article with no flavor or Backbone or Truth, and with no real underlying news or wisdom, that is, nothing that the people would be glad to know and read. As I say, that is the kind of Article I thought it would be. But as I picked up the morning Papers, why, I read who was in our midst out here in Sunny California. Well, sir, it struck me like a thunderbolt here was news which my public had been longing for for years and here I had found it out!

Well, I says to myself, this is too good to keep, for here people had been wondering all this time for just what I knew now. I kinder hated to leave the East on account of thinking I would be out of touch with some of our National Characters but I find that sooner or later they all arrive out here and start in fighting off Real Estate men the same as shooing away Mosquitoes on Long Island.

Well, who should blow in but two of our old long-lost friends, and I know that even ’Frisco (who is jealous of any one being here) will be glad to hear they are here well and hearty, and rehearsed their old Act here yesterday and people enjoyed them just as much as they did in the old days.

Both of these Boys were on the big time and were well known all around the Circuit, and any time they took the Platform standing by the side of a Pitcher of ice water and a glass, why, it just meant 6 columns starting on the front page and ending among the want ads. I bet you hadn’t heard of them in years and will thank me for resurrecting this information for you.

I can’t keep it any longer. I did want to keep it till the finish of this to tell you but I must tell you now who they are--William J. Bryan and Billy Sunday!

Neither did I, but _they are_, and looking fine.

You know, if you have lost any one, look out here, because sooner or later they will come here to visit relatives, for anybody that has relatives comes here so he can write back to other relatives.

They are both just resting here (so is everybody else). Mr. Bryan is waiting till he finds out where the next Democratic Convention will be held, and then be there ready to knock any aspiring Presidential Candidate on the head the minute it shows above the mob.

The only way they will ever fool W. J. is some presidential year decide not to run any one. Then it will be a good joke on him; he will have no one to object to.

Of course, now we don’t hear much of Democratic Candidates, as both sides are busy watching to see what Cal. will do. When he first become President there seemed to be quite a Sentiment to nominate him again for Vice President.

Everybody was wondering how he would come out of the Coal strike situation, and figured his political life or death depended on how he decided, so he just fools everybody by appointing some other man to settle it. Now, no other President had ever been smart enough to think of a thing like that; they tried to do it themselves, so I think he will go a long ways. He figured, why should I get in wrong when I can get some man to do it for me, so he just looked around until he found some other fellow who had a political future.

He said, “Gifford, you go get in wrong with which ever side you decide against.” Now, the minute a Crisis comes up, all he has to do is to remember some Republican name and appoint him to settle it for him.

Now the only Crisis that Mr. Coolidge can possibly get into, himself, is running out of Republicans to appoint. In that case he would have to appoint a Democrat which would bring on a worse Crisis than the one he appointed him to settle.

But I am not here to talk about Cal. and what he is doing. I am here to tell you of these two long lost Prodigals that I discovered in the wilds of this Village. They were preaching in a Pulpit. I guess that’s why no one had seen them for so long. Both these Boys, in the good old days used to talk in a Tent. Now you can always attract a crowd in a Tent, for they figure that it might be a Circus. Come to think of it, their Acts were similar; either one of them could take a Dictionary and sink an enemy with words at 40 paces.

Bryan’s speeches have been the only thing to look forward to at a Democratic Convention for years. He has sent more Presidential Candidates home without a Reception Committee meeting them than any Monologist living. He can take a batch of words and scramble them together and leaven them properly with a hunk of Oratory and knock the White House door knob right out of a Candidate’s hand.

Bryan has made more Political speeches than Germany has Marks. He kissed, when they were Babies, every man and woman in the United States who is now up to the age of 45. He has juggled the destinies of America more than any two Presidents because he has the choosing or rejecting of them.

His career has varied from Non-intoxication to Evolution; his hobbies have jumped from Grape juice to Monkeys. He tries to prove that we did not descend from the Monkey, but he unfortunately picked a time when the actions of our people prove that we did. He, undoubtedly, is one of our greatest minds and in most of his Theories he has been just too far ahead of the mob.

He preached Prohibition at a time when it meant Political Suicide for himself. I bet the next Democratic Candidate for President, no matter how strong he may think he is, would rather have the support of W. J. Bryan than any doubtful State in the Union.

Now that brings to us his accomplice, Willie Sunday, who I discovered staggering from one of our Local Pulpits last Sunday. To some of you who can’t or don’t wish to remember, Billy passed out just as Andy Volstead made his entrance. Now Barnum invented the Tent, but Billy Sunday filled it. He can get more people into a tent than an Iowa Picnic at Long Beach, California.

He is the only man in Ecclesiastical or Biblical history that ever had to train physically, for a sermon. He brought more converts to Prohibition before the 18th Amendment come in, than the 18th Amendment has converted to Prohibition since it went in.

He is the first preacher to specialize on Liquor. While Bryan’s oratorical wrath in the later years has been hurled at Darwin, Billy Sunday picks his opponent with a carelessness that is almost reckless.

I suppose that he has had more mortal worldly combats with the Devil himself than any man living. He has challenged the Devil publicly more times than Wills, the Negro, has Jack Dempsey. People have been going for years to hear Billy, just figuring that if they didn’t go that night it might be the very night the Devil would hear what Billy was calling him and come up, and they might miss what would happen.

I don’t know this Devil myself but if he heard Billy say these things and didn’t come up and call him for it, I think less of him than Billy does. Of course, the Devil may be just good natured, and figure, well, he can’t hurt _ME_, and if he can get anything out of it why let him go ahead.

Now, of course, you can get a fellow wrong. Billy used to lay all the drinking on to this Devil, and claimed that if we had Prohibition we could lick this Devil. Now we got Prohibition, I don’t think he can legitimately lay the present drinking onto the Devil.

Course, from this I don’t want you to think I am taking sides in this thing. I don’t know either one personally. But, as I say, there is a chance that they both may have each other wrong. As I say, Billy must have something on the Devil or he wouldn’t dare to call him what he does, especially if the Devil can hear him, and I tell you the Devil must be pretty low if he don’t answer him, that is, if he hears him.

I have always figured that the reason that the Devil didn’t arise and respond was Billy’s slang was too much for him. But Billy sure did do a lot of good in the old days, and no matter if you didn’t like his style of sermon, you sure didn’t get a chance to do any sleeping.

So I hope we can keep them both out here with us, and help to get some of our population’s mind on the Church on Sunday instead of being continually looking for lots.

THEY NOMINATED EVERYBODY BUT THE FOUR HORSEMEN

THEY NOMINATED EVERYBODY BUT THE FOUR HORSEMEN

As I pen you these few lines, the Democratic National Convention is still going on; going on to where, nobody knows. But it has to end some time for even a Delegate can only stand just so much Oratory.

All the first week was taken up with seconding the nomination of McAdoo and Al Smith.

It looked like they were going to run out of people to do it, and they would have to second each other.

I wish you could have been there and heard what great men we have in this Country. We started out with 16 men for President. Here is what each one of them was.--“The only Man who can carry the Democratic Party to a Glorious Victory in November. Whose every act has been an inspiration to his fellow men. Not only loved in his Home State but in every State.” Well, there was six continuous days of that.

Then the Ku Klux Klan argument come along, and really it was welcome even in New York. Just to get people’s mind off that continuous, “The Man I am about to name to you.”

One day and up to two thirty in the Night they fought and argued the Klan. It was the most exciting and Dramatic night I ever saw in my life.

After 11 hundred Delegates voted and recounted and voted the thing stood only about one vote apart, in fact a fraction of a vote, due to North Carolina, instead of having an election and naming 24 Delegates, just letting the whole State come as Delegates and giving each one the usual Volstead Ratio, Half of one percent of a Vote.

Alaska voted one Klu Klux away up there. Can you imagine a man in all that Snow and Cold with nothing on but a thin white Sheet and Pillow Slip?

My old Friend W. J. Bryan made one of his characteristic speeches. He said that if they split the Democratic Party with this Klan issue that another great Party would arise to take its place. Some guy up in the Gallery started Booing him. He just stopped and waited a minute until the heckler quit, then he said: “But no great leader of any Party has ever come from the Gallery.” After that they laid off him.

Ex-Secretary of War Baker made a Speech on the League of Nations and spoke of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, meaning I suppose, Borah, La Follette, Johnson and Brookhart.

I arrived late one morning, well only about 15 minutes late, and they had nominated five men for president already. I asked a Man in the Press stand who they were and he said, “You wasn’t here and you know them as well as I do.”

I had a friend who wanted to be nominated but all the nominating speakers were so given out that he had to let it go until next Election, that is in case they ever have another one.

If the one who is nominated can only swing the votes of the ones who were defeated he will give Mr. Coolidge a tight race.

Talk about Presidential Timber. Why, man, they had whole Lumber yards of it here.

There was so many being Nominated that some of the Men making the nominating Speeches had never even met the man they were nominating.

I know they had not from the way they talked about them.

Every time the speaker nominated somebody, why the Band would strike up what they thought was an appropriate tune. The bird nominated Gov. Brown of New Hampshire kept talking and referring to “The Old Granite State. That Glorious old Granite State.” When he finished the Band played “Rock of Ages”. There was granite for you.

They nominated from a list of all Democrats. They drew them out the night before the convention.

Some Man named Stuart from Illinois got up to nominate somebody, and we knew we would hear something about Lincoln being born in Illinois, and sure enough we did. He kept quoting Lincoln’s famous remark about, “God must have loved the common people because he made so many of them.” Well this Bird kept talking about his man being for the common people, and he flopped terribly. You are not going to get people’s votes nowadays by calling them common. Lincoln might have said it but I bet you it was not until after he was elected.

The fellow that nominated Charley Bryan from Nebraska was the only truthful one. He said, “I am going to nominate a Politician,” You know nobody at these things dare mention Politician. Matchless leader or successor to Jefferson are about as low as they ever mention. This fellow told how Bryan had lowered the price of Gasoline in Nebraska. And a crowd of people was seen to leave the hall. I think it was John D. Rockefeller and his Bible Class.

In the Charley Bryan demonstration staged by Nebraska, Florida joined in out of brotherly love.

When Bryan was presented the Band played “Way down Yonder in the Corn Field.”