Chapter I: Part 1

PERPETUAL PASS

Issued to: Edw. C. Smith _From_ Worryland _To_ Laughter

(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd Limited) GOOD TILL DOOMSDAY

_With the Compliments of the Season_ John N. Luce & Co.

_THE_ FOOLISH ALMANAK For Anuthur Year

THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHUN OV THE MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ

By THEODOR ROSYFELT

Thair hay bin uthur Yearz but non like this. Thingz wil Hapn.

313 Dayz wil kum and 313 Dayz wil go and thair wil be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz. Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth.

* * * * *

LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND

By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the Starz, and the Planits wil du the best they kan.

Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the Wethur.

* * * * *

_WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL_

PURPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S PICTURZ, BY

JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY _BOSTON_ 1906 _LONDON_

_Copyright, 1906, by_ JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY _Boston, Mass., U. S. A._

_The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U. S. A._

Greeting

Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks
have come and Almanacks
have gone. But Time has survived.
Only the Foolish Almanack
has been equal to the pleasant
Task of Killing it.

We offer the Book as our Defense.

THE PUBLISHERS.

HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY:

Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive for leading a better life this year.

* * * * *

ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR

If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept the country has about blown over. Public confidence and laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again.

[Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a hand-me-down from the fig tree.

_AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't like it if you wait until after you are 40.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time.

TUESDAY (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs.

(1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his
autobiography.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be
spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the
reformed who have been clinging to the water
wagon since Tuesday.)

FRIDAY

SATURDAY (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this
day.

JANUARY

Reciprocity is the mother of contention.

UP IN MAINE

A thirsty, young sport, up in Me.
Pretended to suffer great Pe.
But when he'd imbibed
What the druggist prescribed,
He said he felt better Age.

Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for _again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear reader.--_The Editor._

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the hives should go into the bee business.]

[Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot, keep it coaled.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having
neither prying neighbors nor troublesome
servants they named their bungalow "Paradise."

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY A four-flush only wins political pots.
--Poker Proverbs.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals
and all of her competitors at the art
shows said her work was "beastly."

SATURDAY

JANUARY

There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish carts.

FORECAST FOR JANUARY

From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs things during January is Aquarius, which being translated means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.

* * * * *

From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the 15th to the 20th it will do it.

* * * * *

Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the last week in January, but by February 1st you will have become accustomed and resigned to your old habits.

January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails.

[Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit from cauliflour.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on your ancestors.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock
canal in Panama.

(2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level
canal instead.

TUESDAY (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of
the Revolution elected their officers
unanimously.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything
with the naked eye is immodest.
--Anthony Comstock.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

JANUARY

Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the reputation.

SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD

Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck."

Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge."

Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together.

Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over.

Why real pains from little champagnes grow.

Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path.

How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.

* * * * *

TALE OF A TANK

High-ball
Sad fall.

Big head
'Nuff said.

[Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy
Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney
stone before delivering his address on
"How I hate to be rich."

TUESDAY (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting
the world. American-Journal-Examiner
put at his service.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series
of short stories in the Congressional
Record.

SATURDAY

JANUARY

A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face.

FOR THE HOME COMING

Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man will put his house in order for the home coming.

* * * * *

A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper utensils and offering a prize for the best results.

* * * * *

Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come in and finish cleaning the place up.

[Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk most effectively, keep away from the pump.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe
the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe?

TUESDAY Publicity brings its own reward.
--Winston Churchill et al.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first
victim to get a long term on the Island.

SATURDAY

JANUARY

A man's a man for a' that--there is in it.

HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY

It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree that he was made President. And very few men get into office simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics?

* * * * *

TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED

If silver or gold, bite it.
If bills, wash with soap and water.
If a cheque, call up the bank.

[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.]

[Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die.

(1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt,
perfectly healthy.
TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated
by Morgan.

(1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers
defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY About this time expect some weather.

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

There's many a damn
'Twixt the door and the jamb.

HOW TO SKATE

February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to skate.

The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows:

One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not another drop.")

You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate.

* * * * *

"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the street to the other all in the same night.

* * * * *

"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes around you.

* * * * *

Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known as "a pair of skates."

* * * * *

An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in February.

[Sidenote: _Nocturne_:

Bright
Light
Night.

Miss
Kiss
Bliss.

Pa
Bar
Scar.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted
by "big sticks" as decorations at the White
House.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_.

THURSDAY George Washington born. Neighbors took in
their cherry trees.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

When Duty calls, send her around to the back door.

HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY

"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her the easiest way to compose a short story.

* * * * *

This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more excited than others.

* * * * *

Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.

* * * * *

A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an opiate.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for a cold.]

[Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13 flights of stairs.]

SUNDAY (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates
the Sun.

MONDAY

TUESDAY "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that
she thought she was getting something for
nothing. I foresee much trouble from this
tendency." --Adam's Journal.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius.

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

A woman's college is a dangerous thing.

HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH

Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and think about this to your heart's content. This probably will warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your coal bill.

* * * * *

HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE

The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the celebrated Norse Berserker.

Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another.

* * * * *

WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow.

[Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash."

SUNDAY

MONDAY About now young boys forget skating and begin
to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still
skating and they are not particular whether
the pastime is associated with marble or
mahogany.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells.
See LYRE.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed
by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation,
Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved.

MARCH

It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of people doing nothing every day.

ODD FACTS

Eve did not use face powder.

* * * * *

Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill.

* * * * *

Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville.

* * * * *

Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at the circus.

* * * * *

Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left in him.

* * * * *

Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to tell of his travels.

* * * * *

Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle; he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he just had to lick somebody.

* * * * *

Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns for his wife.

* * * * *

Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good any longer.

[Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella is a sign of a rain beau.]

[Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more abstemious the night before.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac
Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of
Washington deceased.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY It was in this month that S. N. Akes left
Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y.

SATURDAY

MARCH

When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign that he has trouble before him.

SPRING, GENTLE SPRING

One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled the following:

"Gentle Spring has come at last,
So keep your furnace fires full blast!"

* * * * *

It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought can imagine.

* * * * *

It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the Spring. (See footnote.)

* * * * *

It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. (See footnote.)

* * * * *

It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring.

* * * * *

FOOTNOTE--Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter.

[Sidenote: _Cheese Hint_: Keep Limburger cheese closely confined under glass until it ceases to struggle.]

[Sidenote: _To Cure Homesickness_: Think how you would have to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were there.]

SUNDAY A stuffed stork is the best stork.
--Mrs. Grundy.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors
may die during the night.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY If there is ice on the ground do not try to
go barefoot.

SATURDAY

MARCH

The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes no mention of said neighbor's wife.

GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES

The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller tributaries are the juveniles.

The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every year.

The United States are best for married people.

Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.)

When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw land.

Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been running together without separating.

* * * * *

THE MEAN THING!

Some mean old maid, without a doubt,
Who'd never tasted bliss,
Was first to start that lie about
The microbes in a kiss.

[Sidenote: _Wedding Hint_: The minister ties the knot; time and lawyers may prove it to be a slipknot.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: To cure a sluggish disposition, run up against a real prize fighter.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (3544 B.C.) Public library opened at Athens.
No string.

TUESDAY (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by
George I.--Water, soap, towel.

WEDNESDAY (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first special
newspaper correspondent.

THURSDAY (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston.
Many politicians stung.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY About this time there will be some more weather.

MARCH

One touch of liver makes the whole world ill.

"A TAKE OFF"

Cling to your winter flannels
Till well along toward June,
For many a one is taken off
By taking them off too soon.

ADVERTISEMENTS

_Academics, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc._

BE A STREET PAVER

_THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS_ _are made yearly in the Paving_ _Department of your home city_

_ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??_

We make you an experienced street paver by mail without interrupting present occupation.

Lesson VI--"How to Graft under a Reform Administration," alone worth entire cost of course.

Begin now and be ready for your next City Election.

UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL OPPORTUNITIES

_P. O. Box 232323_ _Chelsea, Mass._

[Sidenote: _Antiquity of Ready-to-Wear Clothing_: Eve's dress was the first truly "out-of-sight" costume, "fig"-uratively speaking.]

[Sidenote: _Poultry Note_: Roosters are rather hard to manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Was it not about April 1st that the Laird of
Skibo declared he would give away real money
instead of libraries?

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise
a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy
day. He laid up an ark.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero.

SATURDAY (64) Nero fires Rome.

APRIL

Umbrellas cover a multitude of thieves.

HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS

In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for such as need them.

* * * * *

Never string your beans till they are old enough to understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose their temper.

* * * * *

Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a Tom and Jerry, but it never works.

* * * * *

Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk.

* * * * *

If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your boot-tree, use a boot-jack.

* * * * *

Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the mon-gooseberry. Try it.

* * * * *

The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although the latter has a strong affinity for it.

[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: Instead of buying expensive fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's "popular" magazines.]

[Sidenote: _April_: derived from the Latin A p e r i o, meaning _I open_, hence Eye-opener, or Easter opening.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing
bug in Atlanta, Ga.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY Great commotion in the monkey cage at Central
Park. Brander Matthews and Handy Skinegie
overheard talking Esperanto.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY All is not so that's said.
--White House Maxim.

APRIL

When you see a girl in a very _chic_ gown you may be sure her father had to shell out.

AN APRIL PASTEL

There is no better spring month in which to move than April. Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm tree on Arbor day--it may grow up to be the tree under which Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the British--who knows! The farmer will do well to apply fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large area.

* * * * *

EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE-BOY'S DAIRY

8 a.m. Hired.
11 a.m. Tired.
12 m. Fired.

[Sidenote: _Spring Hints_: A little spring in a bed is good. A little spring near the house is better. A little spring in a poem is the limit.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY The indictment is mightier than the charity
contribution. --Trust Proverbs.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1716) Public bank founded in Massachusetts.
Geological deposits refused.

THURSDAY (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut.
Price of milk-weed goes up.

FRIDAY (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate.

(1905) Taft got off the "lid."

SATURDAY

APRIL

Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't get good till they're old.

GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS:

Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must be weeded out.

* * * * *

Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' Slippers.

* * * * *

Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.

* * * * *

Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.

* * * * *

Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking.

* * * * *

Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next generation.

* * * * *

Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.

* * * * *

It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't loosen.

* * * * *

Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the Tender Buds bloom.

[Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's yours.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY Harvard University founded--the oldest
institution of foot-ball and accidental learning
in America.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut.
Wise Elbert Hubbard
Went to his cupboard
To get the poor world a thought,
But when he got there
The cupboard was bare
And so the poor world got naught.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

APRIL

If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good enough; don't be a hog.

HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL

Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull afternoon.

* * * * *

KEEPING LENT

Jones borrowed my umbrella.
I now know what he meant
When he said it was his custom
To religiously keep lent.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good doze of sleep.]

[Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and soap.]

SUNDAY It's not the loss of life makes death bitter,
it's the obituaries. --D. Ceest.

MONDAY

TUESDAY (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large
large section of the coal miners of
Pennsylvania struck because the operators
used non-union-made tooth powder.

(1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous
minority.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

APRIL

The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf gets equal benefit, just the same.

FORECAST FOR MAY

From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.

* * * * *

From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.

* * * * *

From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.

* * * * *

The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.

[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are likely to reap a crop of "tares."]

[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.]

[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.]

[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated
discussion, that only filtered water
should be used in the Panama Canal.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs,
wins approval of Boston society by
outdoing Little Egypt.

THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of
Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and
his near-wife.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time
and some of the people all of the time."
--From the Diary of &ru Carnage.

MAY

Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce court.

HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY

The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary.

* * * * *

TIMELY HINTS

A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.

[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your right foot kick a person with your left.]

[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note look like 30 cents, blow it.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony
in Egypt.

TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled
"Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman,
to crowded houses.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by
Gebert, Benedictine monk.

(Same year) Benedictine, giving good time,
invented by same monks.

SATURDAY

MAY

Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise.

HOW TO GET RICH

Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:--

----------------------+---------
DEPOSIT | DAYS OF
| MONTH
----------------------+---------
.01 | 1
.02 | 2
.04 | 3
.08 | 4
.16 | 5
.32 | 6
.64 | 7
1.28 | 8
2.56 | 9
5.12 | 10
10.24 | 11
20.48 | 12
40.96 | 13
81.92 | 14
163.84 | 15
327.68 | 16
655.36 | 17
1,310.72 | 18
2.621.44 | 19
5,242.88 | 20
10,485.76 | 21
20,971.52 | 22
41,943.04 | 23
83,886.08 | 24
167,772.16 | 25
335,544.32 | 26
671,088.64 | 27
1,342,177.28 | 28
2,684,354.56 | 29
5,368,709.12 | 30
-------------- |
Total, $10,737,418.23 |

The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about 75 cents in bank and give it up.

[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it costs lots more.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1867) Russia thought she was selling United
States a gold brick in Alaska.

(1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia
heartbroken.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his
troubles will be little ones.

(1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble
being his troubles were not little ones.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill.
Great anxiety at Newport.

SATURDAY

MAY

Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does not see below the skin.

MATERIA MEDICA

When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.

When Willie grew older he sought Governoria.

When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.

Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.

SCHOOLS ADVERTISEMENTS ACADEMIES COLLEGES STUDIOS

CAN YOU DRAW THIS? IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING

_MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_ _make large sums of money drawing pictures_

WHY NOT YOU?

_We teach Drawing by mail and will make_ _you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_

ADDRESS

Imperial Correspondence Institute of the Fine Arts

P. O. Box 232323 CHELSEA, MASS.

[Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet on $8 per week.]

[Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery elm.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description
of hell.

(1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal.

(1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down.

THURSDAY (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up
in the Muck Rake.

(1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air
will allow.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

MAY

There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip.

FORECAST FOR JUNE

From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be cut out.

* * * * *

SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE

If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years.

* * * * *

It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a good many per cent.

* * * * *

An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark.

* * * * *

A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens?

[Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running through the corridors, or jumping board bills.]

[Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.]

SUNDAY (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time
in a talk to put the Douma down and out.

Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up
and out.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from
Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible
risk at Cannon's mouth.

FRIDAY If two wrongs do not make a right--how many
franchises make a wrong?

SATURDAY

JUNE

The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success.

LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY

_The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._

This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me."

* * * * *

_How to Make Credit Grow._

Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the size of the credit depends entirely upon the general appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to enable its owner to live without money.

[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot an automobile horn.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a Welsh Rarebit.]

SUNDAY (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth,
N. H.--Japanese description of
Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze
where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable
liquor!"

MONDAY

TUESDAY (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who
gazed upon his wives and exclaimed,
"Variety is the spice of life!"

P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he
was handicapped.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets.

(1906) Congress "mad," still in session.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY If a man tells you that he "had darned hard
work getting out of bed this morning," the
chances are that the bed was a folding one.

JUNE

Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic.

DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES

Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to have a good start.

* * * * *

Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a fright.

* * * * *

A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it.

* * * * *

One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday afternoon.

* * * * *

All this gives vigor to the freckle.

[Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from fire,--don't burn it.]

[Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the scandal?]

SUNDAY

MONDAY About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow
in Packingtown.

What's the answer?

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick
and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence
Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed
the Interstate Commerce Commission to
issue an injunction against them under
the plea of restraint of trade. The
injunction was issued, and withdrawn
later when the Supreme Court decided
that confidence was too universal to be
made the basis of a monopoly.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

JUNE

The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist associates his larks with high-balls.

RAISING CORN

Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the hot sands!" etc.

This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. "Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.

[Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with aunts close up the house and go to the country.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese.

(1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of
Alexander and Hyde.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more
magazine articles, except for the
Congressional Record.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the
telephone.

(1877) American Humorists invented the
telephone girl.

SATURDAY

JUNE

Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a husband.

HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN

Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.

* * * * *

With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.

* * * * *

Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.

* * * * *

In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.

* * * * *

Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.

[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter months and contain more than twice as much mercury.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet
high. Great envy among the thirsty.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to
tell us that "all men are created free and
equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth
of Juliars.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born.
"First in the wells, first in the pipes,
first in the lamps of his countrymen."

JULY

Never look a gift mule in the hind leg.

HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY

The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.

_ADVERTISEMENTS_

ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC.

_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_

LITTLE GEM BRICK GILDING OUTFIT

IS A BOON TO FARMERS

Buy the Outfit and be your own Confidence Man, thus enjoying all the pleasures of being buncoed without leaving The Old Home

[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."]

SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she never used embalmed beef at her banquets. MONDAY

TUESDAY (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting
on the wall.

(1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe.
WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, "I've worked every one but father." FRIDAY

SATURDAY Boy, gun,
Joy, fun.
Gun bust.
Boy dust.

JULY

Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a commodity.

HINTS ON DRESS

Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.

* * * * *

Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are justified in making a cloak of their religion.

* * * * *

Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.

* * * * *

Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.

* * * * *

The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are quite popular.

* * * * *

Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.

[Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a friend bring him home after dinner.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1896) A bas Dreyfus!

(1906) Vive le Dreyfus!

TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston.
P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which
arrived with Boston to remain always.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY HONOR TO WHOM, ETC.

We're all of us selfishly slow to confess
How much others aid us in winning success;
But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see
How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

JULY

Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook.

SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

(Recent Interpretations)

AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January.

* * * * *

PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to be just as thirsty.

* * * * *

ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to meditate on the virtues of bock beer.

* * * * *

TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a waterman.

* * * * *

GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and how he feels toward his fellowman in May.

* * * * *

CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.

(_Continued on next left-hand page._)

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a drop-stitch stocking are recommended.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San
Francisco.

(1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in
Washington.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in
the Bull-rushes.

(1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the
meat bill.

THURSDAY INFINITUDE!

Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable
He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable:
He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful,
But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

JULY

An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be.

SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

(_Continued_)

LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in July he agrees with them.

* * * * *

VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually hears of his daughter's engagement.

* * * * *

LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and send him the bills.

* * * * *

SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with which he pays them in October.

* * * * *

SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on the part of his conscience toward the end of November.

* * * * *

CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he decides that next year shall be different.

[Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do water their milk, somebody has the law on them.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York.

Next week--New York people discover they cannot
live in glass houses.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1841) London Punch first issued.

Same week--Great Gloom settles over London.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C.,
and opens campaign.

Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at
Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we
had no idea the Republican party was so large!"

SATURDAY

JULY

Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other place.

REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR _on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._

The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:

1. It was not started by a newspaper.

2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.

3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.

4. There was no San Juan Hill.

5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.

6. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.

7. The soldiers were fed real food.

8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.

9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.

10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.

11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.

[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not made.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil.
Rejoicing in Harlem.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II
of France. Rainy days become popular.

FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is
not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife
of a popular magazine editor and cultivate
exposure because she has caught the habit.
--Supton Eclair.

AUGUST

No successful business man ever spends his own money.

USEFUL FARM HINTS

Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.

* * * * *

The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive,
For all can see that no one ought to give six scents
for five.

* * * * *

In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it.

* * * * *

Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. It is by his root that he survives.

* * * * *

Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.

* * * * *

It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."

* * * * *

In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.

[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of
thanks to John B. Moran for removing
screens from hotel windows.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no
longer kept awake nights by persons who are
making modern improvements."
--Robinson Crusoe.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1066) William prepares to invade England with
696 ships and 60,000 men.

(1906) Alice prepares to invade England with
696 trunks and 1 man.

SATURDAY

AUGUST

A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends enchantment.

HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST

A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar.

* * * * *

A BREAD AND MILK COW

The farmer with a Jersey cow
Can live as fine as silk
For he has got, you must allow,
His thorough-bred and milk.

[Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; a piece of luck is the real thing.]

[Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus.

(1908) Extra session of Congress held at
Washington.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day"
and he may want it.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge.

(1906) The beef packers try their last dodge.

SATURDAY

AUGUST

A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet.

APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS

_To the fireman_: Go to blazes!

* * * * *

_To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your endeavor to make both ends meat!

* * * * *

_To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!

* * * * *

_To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the mateless woman you are now!

* * * * *

_To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on your patients!

* * * * *

_To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your hemmysphere!

* * * * *

_To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to fill many an aching void and long-felt want!

* * * * *

_To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen.

]

SUNDAY A GREAT JAG

A man may think he's a terror to drink
When he really is nothing to brag on,
For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr
Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo
waist.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married.

SATURDAY

AUGUST

A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman admires a man for what she thinks he has.

HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER

Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come off easily enough.

* * * * *

IS THE SUN INHABITED?

An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that the Sun is inhabited.

* * * * *

The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at Columbus when he said the Earth was round.

* * * * *

The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early stages.

* * * * *

The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever becoming common carriers.

* * * * *

The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?

* * * * *

This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he really appears at first blush.

* * * * *

The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.

* * * * *

And Hell is inhabited.

[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one you come across.]

[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in from the sea.]

SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST

In a book showing all
Of the gowns great and small
Wives have worn since this old world begun,
That first dress of Eve's,
Which she fashioned of leaves,
Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1."

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine
coal into solid lumps.

(1906) Patent sought for converting fine
poetry into filthy lucre.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SEPTEMBER

It's a long lane that hides no lovers.

SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS

HAY A-LA-MODE

Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.

* * * * *

NUT CUTLET

Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.

* * * * *

IMITATION POTTED HARE

Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.

* * * * *

STEWED RUBBER PLANT