Chapter XXI: Jerry Explains Herself

That same Monday evening Jerry Mitchell was curled up in a big chair in the Stricklands' sitting-room, half listening, half absorbed in her own thoughts.

She was only half listening, because Nick was giving Jack Strickland an account of his adventures of the past four months, and she had heard the story before. She watched them thoughtfully; Jack's keen, dark face, alight with understanding and appreciation, and Nick, laughter in his eyes, telling of his successes and failures with equal zest. Just now, she thought, he seemed so young; an everlasting boy. And yet she knew, if the occasion arose, his face could change suddenly.... 'Adequate fella, Nick. Always was.' She could hear Thorpe's crisp voice, and smiled at the memory. It seemed an age ago. She had lost all count of time lately. For instance, she could hardly believe that it had been only last night that Nick had brought her here. Her face softened, remembering Jill's serene, friendly, unquestioning welcome. Then, early next morning, Jack Strickland had arrived from Russia, and Jerry had fallen for him as quickly as she had for his sister. They were a heavenly couple, and how they both loved Nick! Jill had spoken to her of Nick; had told her how he had saved Jack's life in France, and a few other facts of that far-away war-time, that had made Jerry curiously dumb. She didn't want to talk about Nick. She wasn't even sure if it were quite safe to think about him, though it was hard not to. To tell the honest truth--and Jerry was usually honest with herself--she was afraid. Not of Nick, but of herself. It was a queer, overwhelming feeling that took her suddenly, and made her scramble desperately back to safety. Difficult, sometimes, especially when his voice grew gentle. Nick was so certain of himself, and how could she be certain? And yet, if Nick went away.... She jerked herself back to the talk.

'So now you understand what _your_ job is,' Nick was saying.

'Perfectly.' Jack laughed. 'But look here, Nick, that's not all. I want to know a little more. To start with, who _is_ the Chief? If I've got to arrest him, I feel I ought to know.'

Nick shook his head.

'I'd rather not tell you, Jack, if you can bear it. You might meet him to-morrow, and ... I won't take any chances. But I swear I'll let you know before you do your stuff. Will that do?'

Jack surveyed him amusedly.

'It'll have to, I suppose. The Playboy must have his mystery. Well, is that all my orders?'

'That's all, thanks.'

Jack rose to his feet.

'Then, if you'll forgive me, I'm going to bed. I've had precious little sleep for the last three nights, and I've got to look intelligent for the benefit of my superiors to-morrow morning. Good-night, Jerry. By the way, where's Jill?'

'In the kitchen, turning out a cupboard,' said Jerry.

'It's a curious vice, that,' said Jack. 'Jill's always succumbing to it. Her idea of heaven is a place full of endless cupboards, which she will turn out all day long. Good-night, Nick.'

'Good-night, old man. It's good to have you back.'

For answer, Jack dropped a hand on Nick's shoulder for an instant and then went out.

There was silence in the little room. Nick sat on the padded leather fender, staring at the glowing end of the cigarette in his hand. Jerry watched his grave face. The boy had turned into a man--a very adequate man. For one second she contemplated retreat, and then dismissed the idea. One must keep one's head, and not be a fool.

Then Nick looked up and spoke, gravely:

'The end's in sight, old lady.'

Jerry nodded, with a feeling of relief. She knew that tone. They were partners when he spoke like that; he was thinking of the job.

'Are things panning out as well as you expected?'

'Better.' He spoke deliberately. 'Now Jack's home we're set safely. I've got the information I want, and I wouldn't mind betting that, with Michael's help, we shall pull off this show without the slightest hitch. By the way, you didn't forget to post that letter, did you?'

'No. Put it in the letter-box myself.' Jerry jumped to her feet impulsively. 'Nick, it's marvellous of you to let me be in this. I don't believe anyone else would understand just why and how much I want to be there. I want to stop hating him, you see, and ... oh, well, I can't explain.'

'I should feel just the same,' said Nick. 'But there's no question of "letting" you be in it. I want your help. You're an essential part of the scheme. I couldn't pull it off without you.'

'Honestly, Nick?'

'Absolutely honestly. You ask Jack.'

Jerry walked over to the window, and stood staring out at the smoky-blue summer night sky. 'It's awfully good,' she murmured.

'What is?'

'To feel that I'm really playing an essential part in the game--that it hasn't been taken clean out of my hands.'

Nick crossed the room with a slow stride, and came over to the window.

'I wish you knew what an infernally essential part you're beginning to play in all my games,' he said.

Jerry was silent, staring at the sky. Nick watched her stern young face, white against the dark panelling.

'No chance for me at all?' he asked at last, and Jerry knew there was laughter as well as gravity in his eyes. She steeled herself to answer lightly.

'Nick, for goodness' sake talk about something else.'

'I can't. I can't think of anything else. I love you.'

Jerry caught her breath. It wasn't fair. Then Nick put a hand on her shoulder, and the gentleness of his touch was more than she could bear.

'Don't!' she said, in sudden anger that was half pain.

Nick released her instantly, and she saw his face whiten.

'I'm sorry,' he said quietly, and turned away.

With a little gasp, Jerry ran to him.

'Nick! Nick, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. But oh! how can I explain?'

She took hold of his coat with both hands and, looking up, laughed a little uncertainly at the sight of his perplexed face. Very cautiously, Nick put his arms round her, and she leant her head against him, with a sudden feeling of comfort and safety.

'I wish I knew just exactly what's worrying you, small person,' he said to her hair.

Jerry sighed, and disengaged herself.

'I don't know if I can explain, but I'll try. Sit down there.'

Obediently, Nick sat down on the back of the sofa, but still kept an arm round her. Jerry looked at the wavering lines in the Persian rug at her feet. Nick looked at Jerry. There was a long silence.

'Well, _one_ of us must start soon,' said Nick plaintively, 'or we shall never get to the bottom of this business. Shall I have a shot?'

Jerry nodded.

'You said just now that it was good to feel you were playing an essential part in this game of ours.'

'Yes.' In a very small voice. 'And to feel that it hadn't been taken right out of my hands.'

Nick was silent. He was just beginning to see the fences ahead.

'It's too big for me!' Jerry burst out suddenly. 'I don't know what I'm doing. I never felt like this before. It doesn't seem _me_ at all.'

'I never felt like this before, either,' said Nick quietly.

'But it's different for you. You're certain of yourself. You know what you're doing. At least, you seem to.'

'Of course I do,' said Nick. 'A lot of chance I should have if I didn't, shouldn't I? Why, you'd laugh me to scorn, stamp on me, and then hang me out to dry. _I_ know you!'

A smile flickered in Jerry's eyes, and faded again.

'Nick, please try to understand. _Can't_ you?'

'I am trying, but you must make allowances for a man's stupidity. I love you, you see, and I'm oddly anxious to know if you care for me, at all. By the way, you believe that I love you, I suppose?'

'Yes.' Jerry nodded gravely. 'You say you do, and I think you know your own mind, and mean what you say.'

'Thank you.'

'But, Nick'--she twisted round and faced him--'am I in love with you? That's what I want to know.'

'So do I. Badly.'

'You see, one ought to be able to make up one's mind reasonably, but I can't because you keep upsetting things so.'

'I'm sorry,' said Nick humbly. 'Am I upsetting things now?'

'No. But I always feel you may, any minute.'

'It happens sometimes,' said Nick, 'when you beat round the bush. I hate having the subject changed for me, and I have to fight down a temptation to pick you up and spank you.'

'Please, Nick!' said Jerry hastily.

He laughed. 'All right. Now listen to me. Do you like me?'

'Yes.'

'Much?'

'Better than anyone I've met so far.'

'Well, then----'

'Is that enough?' asked Jerry swiftly.

There was a pause, and then Nick said, 'No.'

'You see, Nick'--the words came tumbling out of her--'I feel that if I fall in love with you, I shall never be the same again.'

'Neither shall I!'

'Yes, you will!'

'Superficially I may seem the same, but fundamentally I shall change a lot.'

'Now you're going to be funny, I suppose. I'm serious, Nick.'

'So am I. Deadly. Fundamentally I shall be a better and nobler man.'

Jerry regarded him thoughtfully.

'Yes, I don't suppose it will show much on the surface,' she said dispassionately.

'Now _you're_ lowering the tone of the conversation. Jerry, darling, why not try falling in love with me and see how it works? I'm perfectly willing to take the risk.'

'Nick, don't be so incredibly stupid! Can't you understand that I could probably bear it if you found out after a while that you didn't care for me, but I should simply die if I stopped caring for you.'

There was another silence. Nick pulled Jerry down beside him. She leant her head back against his shoulder, contentedly.

'Jerry,' said Nick at last.

'Yes?'

'Suppose--just suppose you knew that we were both going to be drowned in six months' time. Would you admit that you love me?'

'Yes.'

'And marry me?'

'I expect so.'

Another silence.

'It's no good,' said Nick. 'I'm sorry, but I can't consent to our deaths. Couldn't you manage an extension of the time? Say, to forty years? They'd go awfully quickly.'

Jerry began to laugh.

'Oh, Nick, there's no one like you! I expect I'm a fool, but I've got to think it out for myself.'

'All right,' said Nick. 'You'll let me know as soon as you have decided, won't you?'

'I promise. I'll either say: "Never, no chance," or else I'll say: "Whenever you like, Nick."'

Nick's arm round her tightened.

'And while you're deciding, golden days are going to waste. Oh, Jerry, darling, give it up. You're making mountains out of molehills.'

'I can't help it.'

'It doesn't fit you at all. You ought to be a dashed good gambler.'

Jerry disengaged herself, and walked over to the window.

'It isn't a thing I care to gamble on,' she said coldly. 'I suppose men are made differently.'

'Possibly,' said Nick, with dangerous calm.

'Well, this argument has proved that you can't see what I'm driving at, anyway. I suppose you feel that I can't understand you either.'

'As a matter of fact, I haven't been trying to explain myself, much. We've been more or less concentrating on your side of the affair, haven't we?'

'We have. Without much success. However, if you leave me alone, I've no doubt I shall be able to make up my mind in time.'

A flame of laughter lit in Nick's eyes.

'One word more in that tone, young woman,' he said deliberately, 'and I shall make up your mind for you.'

'Do you really flatter yourself you could?'

'I know I can.'

Jerry smiled, defiantly. Nick rose to his feet and advanced on her swiftly. There was a prolonged peal from the front doorbell, and Jerry held up a protesting hand.

'There's someone at the door!'

'I guessed it,' said Nick. 'It won't hurt them to wait a minute.'

'You can't let people hang about on the landing.'

'Can't I?' said Nick grimly.

The bell rang again, furiously. Sudden alarm filled Jerry's face, and she caught Nick by the sleeve.

'Nick! I suppose--it isn't Mr. Robertson?'

He slipped an arm round her protectively, and felt her shivering.

'No such luck, old lady. It's probably Michael. If it were Robertson, I'd kill him twice over--the second time for interrupting me just as I was about to give you a well-deserved lesson.'

'All right, Nick, go ahead. There's Jack's riding-crop.'

'I can't now,' said Nick. 'But next time you talk to me like that, by Jove, you'll catch it! I suppose I must let this untimely blighter in.'

'I think you'd better,' said Jerry serenely. 'Whatever our manners may be to each other, let's try to be decently polite to outsiders.'

Nick grinned rather wildly.

'You know, you're enough to drive any man completely crazy,' he said.

'Yes, Nick, I know. But do answer the door.'

Nick took her face in his hands, hesitated, and then kissed the top of her head. As he turned to go, he said, over his shoulder: 'That was amazing moderation on my part!'

Jerry chuckled, and watched him cross the hall and open the door. On the mat stood Michael.