Chapter C: C. FITTS. 'C-c-cause they're round and the r-r-r-rain s-s-slides

off onto us!

(_Other hands are raised._)

GIRL. What's the capital of Turkey?

TEACHER. Can you answer that, John?

JOHN (_who has been inattentive_). It hasn't any capital. Pa says it's bankrupt.

BOY. If you multiply forty-two apples by six pounds of beef the answer'll be mince pies, won't it?

TEACHER (_to scholars in seats_). Class, can two concrete numbers be multiplied together?

CHORUS. No, sir!

BOY. I don't see anything concrete about apples, or beef either.

GIRL. Does the Isthmus of Panama connect the north and south pole?

TEACHER. Look at your map and see.

GIRL. Does s-l-o-u-g-h spell slough?

TEACHER. Yes.

GIRL. Then c-o-u-g-h spells cow, doesn't it?

TEACHER. No, that spells cough.

GIRL. B-o-u-g-h spells buff, then, and p-l-o-u-g-h, pluff?

TEACHER. No, bough and plough are the words you have spelled.

GIRL. Then does d-o-u-g-h spell dow, or duff, or doff?

TEACHER. It spells neither; your last word is dough.

GIRL. Is r-o-u-g-h row, or row, or roff? [o as in mow, o as in how]

TEACHER. None of them. It is rough.

GIRL (_in despair_). Well, how can you tell?

SCHOLAR (_near door_). Teacher, I just seen the committee, Squire Small, coming down the hill past Squire Green's barn. (_Laughing._) He tried to jump the wall and tumbled over it. I guess his rheumatiz caught him.

TEACHER (_hastily_). This class may take their seats. (_Rap at door._) All who are out of their seats may return to them. Remember what I said about disorder. Heads erect. Remember your manners. Maria Sophrony, the door. (_Enter_ COMMITTEE-MAN; _all rise._)

CHORUS (_drawling_). Good-morning--Mr. Committee-man!

COM. Good-mornin', boys and gals! Good-mornin', Mr. Snodgrass. (_Shakes hands._) Thought I'd jest drap in to examine ye, bein' the deestrict committee, an' see how the edification was gettin' on. I spose ye hev 'ritin' an' riffentick an' readin' every day?

(_A boy begins to draw a caricature of the visitor on black board at back._)

TEACHER. Oh, yes, yes, every day,--that is, we shall after we get fully started; but it's rather early in the term to examine, isn't it?

COM. No!--no!--an' histery, an' filoserpy, an' quotations, an' flirtations, an' kerdrilles, an' all them things.

TEACHER. Yes, yes; that is, most of them.

COM. (_severely_). Most on 'em, Mr. Snodgrass? Don't ye hev 'em all?

TEACHER. Oh, yes! all you would approve of.

COM. Wal, s'pose ye call out a class and let me examine 'em. (_Takes off coat and seats himself, placing his hat on floor._)

TEACHER. What will you have, geography or spelling?

COM. Wal, yeou jest hand me a spellin'-book an' I'll put 'em through a course o' sprouts on that.

TEACHER. First class in spelling, rise and take places. (_A general scramble for places._)

FIRST PUPIL. Teacher, I'm head. I got above him yesterday.

SECOND PUPIL. He didn't. I spelled _catalepsy_ first and got above him. (_Trying to pass._)

TEACHER. Thomas Henry, take the head; the other two may go to the foot. (_Both go down and scramble for the foot._)

THIRD PUPIL. Thomas Henry pinched me.

TEACHER. He may go to the foot also.

THIRD PUPIL (_dancing on one foot, holding the other in his hands_). Ow! he trod on my foot.

THOMAS HENRY. He shouldn't have such big feet. I couldn't stop to go round.

TEACHER. Thomas Henry, you may stop after school and I'll remind you of a little promise I made a while ago. (ONE _and_ TWO _rejoice in dumb show over_ THOMAS HENRY'S _downfall._) Julius, stand erect. Mary, take that gum out of your mouth. Bring that apple to me. All, toe the line. Attention!

COM. Neow, scholars, there is one thing I'm very pertickler 'bout, and that is _pronouncé_-ation. I want every one on ye tu be keerful on that one p'int. The fust word is _charitable_.

HEAD PUPIL (_slowly_). C-h-a-i-r, _char_--i-t, _it_--charit--t-a, _ta_--_charita_--b-u-l, _ble_--_charitable_.

COM. (_examining book closely_). Wrong! Next!

SECOND PUPIL (_with spirit_). C-h-a-i-r spells _chair_, and t-a-b-l-e spells _table_, and i-t spells _it_; therefore, c-h-a-i-r-i-t-t-a-b-l-e spells _charitable_.

COM. (_doubtfully_). Wal, that's putty straight reasonin', an' I reckon you're right, though 'tain't jest like the book. Take your place. Next, _merlasses_.

THIRD PUPIL. M-e-r, _mer_.

FOURTH PUPIL (_raising hand_). 'Tain't _mer_lasses; it's _mo_lasses.

COM. (_examining book_). I reckon I've seen more merlasses than you ever seen an' oughter know what it is by this time. _Mer_lasses, I said, an' merlasses it shall be.

THIRD PUPIL. Please, sir, I can't spell it.

COM. Why not?

THIRD PUPIL. I ain't got no book.

COM. Where is your book?

THIRD PUPIL. I dropped it into a mud-puddle on the way to school, and the lesson come out.

COM. Next.

FOURTH PUPIL. M-o-l-a-s-s-e-s, molasses.

COM. That don't sound jest right, but you've got the book on your side, so I s'pose it's all right. Take yer place! (NUMBER FOUR _is tripped by_ NUMBER THREE.) Neow I'd like tu see a leetle writin'. The next may take the word "_squanders_" and put it in a sentence on the blackboard.

(NUMBER FIVE _writes in a legible schoolboy hand, "The boy squanders round a good deal."_ FIFTH PUPIL _reads what he has written._)

COM. Very good. The next may take "_cornice_" in the same way. (_After a good deal of erasing he writes: "I will meat you on the cornice."_ SIXTH PUPIL _reads what he has written._)

COM. The next ken take "_lionized_," and the next "_spinster_."

SEVENTH PUPIL (_writes and reads_). "Daniel was lionized in the lions' den."

EIGHTH PUPIL (_writes and reads_). "Seth Crane is a spinster."

COM. Wall, I hed an idee that a spinster was allus a woman. (_Scratching his head._)

EIGHTH PUPIL. My book says that _er_ means _one_ _who_, and anyway _baker_ means one who bakes, and _builder_ means one who builds--and--

FIRST PUPIL. Does Quaker mean one who quakes?

COM. That ain't to the p'int, as I ken see!

EIGHTH PUPIL. Well, a spinster is one who spins, ain't it?

COM. Mebbe, mebbe! But heow ken ye say that of Seth Crane, that never did a useful thing in his life?

EIGHTH PUPIL. I should think that any fellar that spins a top 'ud be a spinster.

COM. Wal, you've got me there, youngster. I reckon ye're right. Next, tell me the meaning of excruciating.

GIRL (_glibly_). Excruciating means that natural and peculiar prohibition of undulatory and molecular attraction which encompasses the plausibility of capillary promulgation and gelatinous hyperbole, while giving an enallage of paradigms.

COM. That's a likely gal. You'll make a good housekeeper one of these days. Ef my wife hed sech a mem'ry as that, I shouldn't carry her letters in my pocket tu weeks before mailin' 'em.

SAME PUPIL. Yes, sir; thank you, sir. But I don't quite understand what it means by "encompassing the plausibility of capillary promulgation"!

COM. Oh--ahem!--that is very simple--ahem! ahem! in fact it is simplicity itself. It means--it means--well, I don't want to overtax your young brain, my dear, so I will not explain now; but one of these days, when you are as wise as me and your teacher, you will understand all these profound thoughts. Hain't that so, Mr. Snodgrass? Next, _terbacker_.

SEVENTH PUPIL. T-e-r, _ter_--b-a-c-k, _back_--_terback_--k-e-r, _ker_--_terbacker_. A poisonous leaf with niggertine in it; and ef the niggertine gets into the cistern, it'll kill a man quicker'n a dog.

FIRST PUPIL. I don't believe it's a poison. My brother smokes and he ain't dead; 'nd my father's fifty years old 'nd he's smoked for most forty years 'nd he ain't dead yet.

FOURTH PUPIL. Pooh! That's nothing. Ef your father hedn't smoked, he mighter been a hundred by this time.

EIGHTH PUPIL. My grandfather's ninety years old and he's smoked too!

FOURTH PUPIL. Well, and ef _my_ grandfather was alive he'd be a hundred and fifty years old! So that don't prove nothing.

THIRD PUPIL. Tobacco ain't no poisoner nor pickles, anyhow. (_Groan from the girls._) I went into the store t'other day to get some pickles for ma, and a feller--he was one o' them city chaps that sells things--and he said, "You ain't going to eat them sour green things, are you?" and I said, "No, I hain't; why?" And he told me of a girl seventeen years old who eat pickuls and died! (_Horrified look on girls' faces._) And they opened her stummick and them pickuls had turned everything in it tu glass!! (_Confusion and whispering among the girls. They indignantly shake their heads and say, "I don't believe it," etc., etc._)

COM. Order! (_Pounding table._) Order! The next may explain "_phenomena_."

GIRL (_glibly_). Phenomena is that immaculate preponderance of preternatural possibility as to make an exaggerated conception of auxiliary precedents, and oleaginous metamorphosis into an indivisible synthetical analysis.

COM. That's putty good. You hev exceeded my suspicions and I am disguised that yu should du so well. This is the most supernatural class I ever seen. Mr. Snodgrass, I congratterlate you on sech ambiguous pupils. Gee there now and take yer seats. (_Class pass to seats._) Neow yeou ain't got no little song you can sing, hev ye?

CHORUS. Yes, yes, our Motion Song!

COM. Wal, I wouldn't mind hearing it, Mr. Snodgrass, ef it's conwenient.

TEACHER. You may all put away your books.

BOY (_laughing_). He! he! he!

TEACHER. Robert, stand! Explain what you were laughing at.

ROBERT (_half laughing and half crying_). Nappy Jones says that Seth Green's striped stockings make him look like a barber's pole!

COM. (_laughing_). Wal, he's only a leetle shaver, anyhow! Ain't that so, Seth?

SETH. Yes sir! (_Doubling up fists and threatening_ N. JONES.) You jest wait till I ketch you after school! (_Said in an undertone._)

TEACHER. Robert, go out in the shed and chop to-morrow's wood. I'll excuse you the rest of the morning. (_Exit_ ROBERT.)

SETH. Teacher, can I help him?

TEACHER. Yes. (_Exit_ SETH, _who grimaces at_ JONES _as he goes out._)

(_The_ TEACHER _now takes tuning-fork and gives the pitch. The new scholars, without creating any disturbance, can make ludicrous attempts to take the movements with the others. As the singing begins the_ COMMITTEE-MAN _rises, whereupon a boy immediately takes his hat from the floor and puts it in the chair he has just vacated._)

RECREATION SONG.

TUNE.--"When Johnny comes marching home again."--

MOTIONS. (1.) School rise and stand erect. (2.) Raise hands ready to strike. (3.) Clap hands in correct time. (4.) Turn round twice while repeating this line. (5.) Tread, left and right foot. (6.) Right arm across waist, left at side. (7.) Touch right hand to forehead, like military salute. (8.) Keep marching time with feet. (9.) Raise hands, palms out, spread fingers. (10.) Hands on hips, elbows out, look sideways at each other. (11.) Make a low bow. (12.) Hop lightly on each foot. (13.) Let arms hang and swing. (14.) Fold arms, grow sleepy. (15.) Drop heads. (16.) Glide into seats, sing slowly and softly, nodding heads, and diminishing tone gradually to last note, finally resting arms on the desks and supporting heads asleep. After a moment of dead silence, teacher may strike bell suddenly, when all must raise heads (17.) and hands as if frightened and go on (all seated). (18.) Rub eyes with knuckles. (19.) Take books hurriedly. (20.) Turn leaves quickly with thumbs. (21.) Throw heads from side to side with careless good-nature. The last line of every verse should be repeated.

(1.) With shoulders erect and toes turned out,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Now let us in unison gayly shout,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
(2.) With hands upraised as we sing the rhyme,
(3.) We strike them together to keep the time,
||: (4.) And we'll wheel quite round while singing our motion song. :||

(5.) Now left and right we'll march along,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
We fill the air with our merry song,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
(6.) We carry our muskets like heroes of old,
(7.) Saluting our captain so brave and so bold,
||: (8.) And we march, march, march while singing our motion song. :||

(9.) Our fingers and thumbs are eight and two,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
There's plenty of work for them to do,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
(10.) With elbows akimbo and looks so shy,
(11.) We bow to our partners so gracefully,
||: (12.) And we hop and dance while singing our motion song.:||

(13.) As back and forth our arms we throw,
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
It's pretty hard work now, you may know,
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
(14.) For trying our best our eyes open to keep,
(15.) We drop all our heads as if going to sleep,
||: (16.) And we nod, nod, nod, while singing our motion song.:||

(17.) What terrible noise is that we hear?
Dear me! Dear me!
(18.) We've all been snoozing, that's quite clear.
Dear me! Dear me!
(19.) So let us take books and be ready for work,
(20.) For we are not willing our lessons to shirk,
||: (21.) Though it's jolly good fun, when singing our motion song.: ||

COM. Very good, children, very good. Yew hev a very well behaved school, Mr. Snodgrass. (_Sits down on his hat, crushing it all out of shape. Pupils all laugh._ COM. _picks it up and points at it indignantly. TEACHER apologizes in pantomime._ COM. _resentfully turns and starts to set it on the stove, but burns himself in so doing. Pupils laugh._ COM. _shakes his fist at them and exit[s] angrily._)

BOY (_raising hand_). Teacher, Matildy Weeks keeps laughing at me.

TEACHER. You shouldn't look at her, then.

BOY. She'll laugh to some other feller ef I don't. (_Grins._)

(GIRL _near_ CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS FITTS _laughs aloud._)

TEACHER. Mehitable, was that you laughed?

MEHIT. Yes, sir. I couldn't help it. (_Laughs._) Christopher Columbus asked me if I loved carrots. (_All look at_ C. C., _who is vainly trying to hide an immense carrot by putting it in his pocket._)

TEACHER. Bring that this way, sir.