Chapter M: W. Is a Fool; (7)

The second volume presents us with a series of visits to Protestant country gentlemen, whose manners and dinners he derides, and whose wives and daughters are talked of as "imbecile bigots," because they "remember the Sabbath-day, and keep it holy,"--interspersed with scenes on which his highness dwells with more satisfaction, but of which we regret to find we can afford but few specimens. At Cashel he passes several of his _white_ days, chiefly, of course, in the company of persons unconnected with the "stupid, dull, Anglican system." _Inter alia_, he is invited by "the Catholic dean to meet the archbishop and sixteen other clergymen at dinner."

"The table did honour to a chaplain of the Holy Father.... The
conversation then turned on religious subjects, and was in a
perfectly free and partial spirit: never did I perceive the least
trace of bigotry, or of the disgusting affectation of puritanical
rigour. At the dessert, several sang their national songs, some
of which had no pretension to sanctity. As the one who sat next
me remarked some little surprise on my countenance, he said in
my ear, 'Here we forget the foreign * * * * the archbishop,
and the priest,--at table we are only gentlemen, and to enjoy
ourselves.'"--Vol. ii., pp. 47, 48.

"Before the archbishop retired," says his highness, "he said
to me, in a most obliging manner, 'You are _as you tell us!_ a
bishop! consequently, you owe obedience to the archbishop. I
employ this, my authority, to command you to dine here to-morrow
with your colleague the Bishop of Limerick, whom we expect
to-day;--I must hear of no excuse.' I answered, taking up the
jest, 'I readily confess that it does not beseem me to withstand
the discipline of the Church, and your grace and the dean know so
well how to sweeten obedience, that I submit the more willingly.'"

"I passed the evening in the society of the * * * * I have
seldom found Protestant clergymen so frank and sincere as these
Catholics. We came to the conclusion, that we must either receive
blindly the hereditary faith the Church prescribes; or, if this
be not in our power, form our own religious system as the result
of individual thoughts and individual feelings, which may rightly
be called the religion of philosophers. The * * * * spoke French
most fluently, I therefore quote his own words: 'Heureusement
on peut en quelque sorte combiner l'un et l'autre; car, au bout
du compte, il faut une religion positive au peuple.' 'Et dites
surtout,' replied I, 'qu'il en faut une aux rois et aux prêtres;
car aux uns elle fournit le par la grâce de Dieu, et aux autres,
de la puissance, des honneurs, et des richesses; le _peuple_ se
contenterait, peut-être, de bonnes lois et d'un gouvernement
libre.' 'Ah,' interrupted he, 'you think like Voltaire,

"Les prêtres ne sont pas ce qu'un vain peuple pense,
Et sa crédulité fait toute notre science."'

'Ma foi,' said I, 'si tous les prêtres vous ressemblaient je
penserais bien autrement.'"

"I was, unfortunately, unable to keep my word with my friendly
Amphitryon. A 'megrim' confined me all day to my bed. The
archbishop sent me word that he would cure me; and, if I
would but bring firm faith, would be sure to drive away the
headache-fiend by a well-applied exorcism. I was, however,
obliged to reply, that this devil was not one of the most
tractable, and that he respected no one but Nature, who sends
and recalls him at her pleasure, which, alas! is seldom in less
than four-and-twenty hours. I must, therefore, cut off even you,
dearest Julia, with a few words."

This is a pleasant specimen of communication between a "frank and sincere" Irish * * * *, and a Lutheran liberal, who, in order to quiz the very idea of a Protestant episcopacy, announces himself at a drinking, singing party of papists, of which an archbishop makes one, to be a bishop himself.

When the prince has done with the popish archbishop, he takes to the pipers, and is safely delivered of this sapient remark:--"These pipers, who are almost all blind, derive their origin from remote antiquity. They are gradually fading away, for all that is old must vanish from the earth." This is a truism:--but, as pipers, like other men, to whatever age they may attain, are all born young--even in Ireland--his highness may still encourage the hope, that when the old ones die off, others will succeed them. The chapter of pipers is succeeded by a not very delicate one on game-cocks; but we must pass over this, and accompany the prince to the Phœnix Park, where he is in his proper sphere.

"Lord Anglesea invited me to dinner," says his highness, "and
the party was brilliant. He is beloved in Ireland for his
impartiality, and for the favour he has always shown to the
cause of emancipation. His exploits as a general officer are
well known--no man has a more graceful and polished address in
society. A more perfect work of art than his false leg I never
saw."

This climax of compliment will, no doubt, be felt and appreciated by his Excellency: he adds--

"The power and dignity of a Lord Lieutenant are considerable
as representative of the king; but he holds them only at the
pleasure of the ministry. Among other privileges, he has that of
creating Baronets; and in former times inn-keepers, and men even
less qualified, have received that dignity."

Baronets, as everybody knows, the Lord Lieutenant never could create, and the knighthoods the prince refers to most ungracefully, considering the "free and easy" manner in which, as we shall presently see, he treated Sir Charles Morgan and Sir Arthur Clarke--the individuals to whom he obviously points--and their "womankind." But, indeed, his malignity towards unfortunate Lady Morgan is worthy of severer reprehension. The following passage appears to us entirely indefensible:--

"I spent a very pleasant evening to-day at Lady M----'s. The
company was small, but amusing, and enlivened by the presence
of two very pretty friends of our hostess, who sang in the
best Italian style. I talked a great deal with Lady M---- on
various subjects, and she has talent and feeling enough always
to excite a lively interest in her conversation. On the whole,
I think I did not say enough in her favour in my former letter;
at any rate, I did not then know one of her most charming
qualities,--that of possessing two such pretty relatives.

"The conversation fell upon her works, and she asked me how
I liked her Salvator Rosa? 'I have not read it,' replied I,
'because' (I added by way of excusing myself, 'tant bien que
mal') 'I like your fictions so much, that I did not choose to
read anything historical from the pen of the most imaginative of
romance writers.' 'O, that is only a romance,' said she; 'you may
read it without any qualms of conscience.' 'Very well,' thought
I; 'probably that will apply to your travels too,'--but this I
kept to myself. 'Ah,' said she, 'believe me, it is only _ennui_
that sets my pen in motion; our destiny in this world is such
a wretched one that I try to forget it in writing.' Probably
the Lord Lieutenant had not invited her, or some other great
personage had failed in 'his engagement to her, for she was
quite out of spirits."--Vol. ii., p. 103.

At page 108 we are introduced to Lady Clarke, Lady Morgan's sister--for they are both "Ladies"--and Sir Arthur Clarke, and the Misses Clarke, who turn out to be the two "pretty relatives." Lady Clarke, we are told, "is very superior to her celebrated relation in accurate taste and judgment." Of the young ladies, whom his highness calls his "little nightingales," the prince says much; but it would be unfair to criticise his criticisms upon them, which are only distinguished by vanity, puppyism, conceit, bad taste, and bad feeling. He takes these poor girls to see "the fine artist," M. Ducrow, ("an admirable model for sculptors, in an elastic dress, which fits exquisitely,") ride nine horses at once, and "finally go to bed with a pony dressed as an old woman;" and the "little one" trembled with delight, with anxiety and eagerness, and kept her hands clenched all the time; and then comes a history of his fetching out a girl, who had acted Napoleon, from a dressing-room, where she stood naked as "a little Cupid before the glass," (we should have said a little Venus!)--but there is no end to his malice.

"I rested myself (he says) this evening in the accustomed place.
'Tableaux' were again the order of the day. I had to appear
successively as Brutus, an Asiatic Jew, Francis the First,
and Saladin. Miss J---- was a captivating little fellow as a
student of Alcala; and her eldest sister, as a fair slave, a
welcome companion to Saladin. As the beautiful Rebecca, she also
assorted not ill with the oriental Jew. All these metamorphoses
were accomplished with the help only of four candles, two
looking-glasses, a few shawls and coloured handkerchiefs, a burnt
cork, a pot of rouge, and different heads of hair."

Even the mysteries of her ladyship's dressing-room, and the articles which compose her ladyship's toilette, are not sacred in the eyes of this "right-minded observer!"

Our readers have probably had enough of the prince. On the political portion of his highness's book we cannot enter, because his politics are universally mixed up with impiety. As to personal adventure, his closing chapters on Ireland contain little of that, except his being invited to drink wine at a radical meeting, and a visit to the Catholic Association. The rest is a mere tissue of commonplaces, evidently gleaned from the female attendants of the small inns which his highness was in the habit of frequenting, while his "carriage and people" were absent. He quits Ireland, and starts from Holyhead by the mail; he arrives at Shrewsbury, and, although the mail very rarely stops for anybody, perambulates the whole town,--sketches the horses,--examines the castle, and the tread-mill,--and yet is in time to pursue his journey, which he does on the outside of the mail, with four outside passengers! At Monmouth he pauses,--goes into a bookseller's shop to "buy a Guide,"--and "unexpectedly" makes the acquaintance of the bookseller's "very amiable family," particularly two "pretty daughters,"--of whom his highness observes, as a Lyell or Murchison would of lumps of nickel or tungsten, "they were the most perfect specimens of innocent country girls I ever met with." They were at tea when his highness dropped in; and the father, "unusually loquacious for an Englishman, took him absolutely and formally prisoner, and began to ask him the strangest questions about the Continent and about politics."

"The daughters," said his highness, "obviously pitied
me--probably from experience--and tried to restrain him; but
I let him go on, and surrendered myself for half an hour _de
bonne grace_, by which I won the good-will of the whole family
to such a degree, that they all pressed me most warmly to stay
some days in this beautiful country, and to take up my abode
with them. When I rose at length to go, they positively refused
to take anything for the book; '_bongré, malgré_,' I was forced
to keep it as a present. Such conquests please me; because their
manifestations can come only from the heart."

The reader will presently find the sequel to this double shot, by which two perfect specimens of innocence were killed dead; but he must first be told that his highness, the next morning, charges the landlord of his inn, the waiters, or the chambermaids, or somebody, with stealing his purse and pocket-book. They indignantly deny the charge, and repel the imputation, which his highness appears to have been anxious to cast equally upon gentlemen and innkeepers, and offer to submit to instant search, adding, however, that his highness must undergo a similar operation. This his highness declines; he thinks it best to put up with the loss of ten pounds, and depart; and what will the reader think he therefore did? "Why," says the prince, "I therefore took some more bank-notes out of my travelling-bag, paid the reckoning, and so departed."

From this splendid detail we discern that his highness travelled with a sac de nuit stuffed with bank-notes; nevertheless--

"The Prince, unable to conceal his pain"

at the loss of his ten pounds, runs to his amiable friends at the bookshop, and imparts to them the disaster:--

"The surprise and concern of all were equal. In a few minutes the
daughters began to whisper to their mother, made signs to one
another, then took their father on one side; and after a short
deliberation, the youngest came up to me and asked me, blushing
and embarrassed, 'Whether this loss might not have caused me
a temporary embarrassment, and whether I would accept a loan
of five pounds, which I could restore whenever I returned that
way:' at the same time trying to push the note into my hand.
Such genuine kindness touched me to the heart: it had something
so affectionate and disinterested, that the greatest benefit
conferred under other circumstances would perhaps have inspired
me with less gratitude than this mark of unaffected goodwill. You
may imagine how cordially I thanked them. 'Certainly,' said I,
'were I in the slightest difficulty, I should not be too proud to
accept so kind an offer; but as this is not in the least degree
the case, I shall lay claim to your generosity in another way,
and beg permission to be allowed to carry back to the Continent a
kiss from each of the fair girls of Monmouth.' This was granted,
amid much laughter and good-natured resignation. Thus freighted,
I went back to my carriage!"--(N.B.--He had come by the mail.)

The end of all this interesting story is, that two or three days after, his highness (whom, like Goethe, and unlike the barmaids, and the bookseller's daughters, we always "figure to ourselves as of a dignified aspect") finds his purse and his book in his dressing-gown pocket, so that the whole episode is given to show his Julia what a fine man he is, and how ready his "specimens of innocence" are to fall vanquished at his feet.--"Eich dyn!"

But we must cut his highness short. At Bristol he enters Radcliffe Church while the organ is playing, and stations himself in a corner, whence he could catch a glimpse at the interior:--

"The illiberality of the English Church would not allow me this
satisfaction, and the preacher sent an old woman to tell me that
I must sit down. As it is not the custom in Catholic churches to
interrupt the devotions of a congregation on such light grounds,
even if strangers go in without any caution to view whatever is
worth seeing in the church, I might justly wonder that English
Protestant piety should have so little confidence in its own
strength, as to be thus blown about by the slightest breath. The
riddle was explained to me afterwards: I should have to pay for
my seat, and the truly pious motive was the sixpence. However, I
had had enough, and left their mummery without paying."

The substantial veracity of this narrative who can doubt? but that no preacher at Radcliffe Church ever took the slightest notice of his highness we will venture to affirm; the pew-opener might have thought that such a fine man as his highness would like to sit down, or the beadle might have thought it civil to an Israelite--for which he seems to have generally been mistaken--to show him a little Christian charity.

Passing over his highness's account of Bath, and Mr. Beckford, "a sort of Lord Byron in prose, who pays fifty guineas a week for leave to walk in a nursery garden and pick what flowers he chooses;"--of Salisbury, where the prince meets another specimen--"a very pretty young girl," a dress-maker,--and of course takes an opportunity of libelling the bishop, the venerable and excellent Dr. Burgess,--who "never preaches, and draws 15,000_l._ a-year from his see!"--of Wilton, to which house he obtains admission by a story, and under an assumed name, which he rejoices to hear the housekeeper could neither pronounce nor write;--and some other seats and towns,--we reach London,--his highness's description of which is to occupy the two first, but as yet unpublished, volumes of this work. When he has sufficiently reinspected the "grand foyer," he again mounts the box for Canterbury, criticises the cathedral, the peculiar beauty of which he considers to arise from its not having a screen! and satirizes the archbishop, who enjoys "the rank of a prince" within his jurisdiction, "but not in London,"--as if London were not in the heart of his Grace's jurisdiction,--"moreover, he has sixty thousand a-year! and may marry!" (in the teeth, we presume, of the statute against bigamy.) The "illustrious stranger" proceeds to Dover--thence to Calais--dines with, and of course abuses, Mr. Brummel,--having, by-the-bye, gained admission to his table, as he had done to Lord Pembroke's gallery, under a feigned name! The "thorough lustre" of his principality is then enshrined in the cabriolet of a diligence; he eats smoking hot plinzen with the coachman, and arrives in Paris, where for the present we shall leave him,--and that "sweltering venom" which is luckily neutralized by an unfailing effusion of dulness.

We are sorry that the first Prussian castigator of our manners should have been a prince! We had, at one time, been led to expect the notice of a personage, who, though of not quite princely rank, could have told a much more amusing story,--described "specimens" of a higher order than bar-maids--pecuniary incidents more important than the loss of a ten-pound note out of a sac-de-nuit,--and even wound up his "picture of insular existence" with an interesting appendix to the "Mémoires d'un Homme d'Etat."

PROSPECTUS FOR A GENERAL BURYING COMPANY.

CAPITAL, £500,000. SHARES, £50.

The immediate object of this institution is to rob death of its terrors, and, by following the example of our Parisian friends, blend the graceful with the grave, and mingle the picturesque with the pathetic:--in short, the directors feel confident, that when their scheme is fully developed, the whole system of inhumation will be changed, and the feelings and associations connected with interments in general, assume so novel a character, that it will be rather pleasant than otherwise to follow our friends and relations to the tomb.

It is proposed to purchase an extensive domain in the neighbourhood of Primrose Hill and Caen Wood, where the diversified undulations of ground, and the soothing commixture of trees and water, afford the most flattering promise of success in the undertaking. No difficulty is anticipated in the purchase of the property, since the will of the late noble owner distinctly points out that it shall remain "grass land" to all eternity; and, "since all flesh is grass," no reasonable objection can be raised to its appropriation as a public cemetery.

The public cemetery, like the _Daily Advertiser_, will be open to all parties--dead or alive, of all religions, or, indeed, of none; and it does not need the practical knowledge attainable by a visit to the French metropolis to convince the world that by laying out the ground in a parklike manner, with umbrageous walks, alcoves, bowers, and fish-ponds, a link will be created between the past and present generation, and the horrid idea of having deposited a parent, a husband, or a sister, in a cold, damp grave, or a gloomy vault, refined into the agreeable recollection that they repose in a picturesque garden or a shady grove, at an easy distance from the most fashionable part of the town.

The directors intend opening a convenient hotel and tavern on the spot, at which persons visiting the cemetery, either as mourners or in search of quiet retreats for themselves, may procure every sort of refreshment. A _table-d'hôte_ will be constantly prepared at five shillings a-head, for which cold meat and _vin de grave_ will be furnished; and on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, during the summer, after burying-hours, Collinet's band will be regularly engaged for quadrilles, and the grounds illuminated with variegated lamps.

A committee of taste will be appointed to regulate the designs of tombs; and the directors think it may save trouble to state in the outset that no allusions to death, nor any representations of skulls, cross-bones, skeletons, or other disagreeable objects, will be permitted. The Royal Society of Literature will be solicited to revise the inscriptions, epitaphs, and elegies, and twelve ladies belonging to the different _corps-de-ballet_ of the King's Theatre, and the Theatres Royal Covent Garden and Drury Lane, are engaged to enliven the ground as mourners at newly-erected tombs.

These young ladies may be engaged by the day or hour, at a moderate price, and find their own garlands.

Mr. Samuel Rogers is appointed master of the ceremonies, and will appear dressed in the uniform of the establishment.

The directors have appointed Mr. Botibol, of Soho-square, their artificial florist, who will provide all sorts of flowers for strewing graves; but ladies and gentlemen are requested not to leave the decorations on the tombs at night, but to return them to the directress at the bar of the tavern: and, it may be necessary to add, that no ladies will be allowed to appear at the dances with the same ornaments which have been previously used in the grounds funereally.

Lord Graves has been solicited to accept the office of president, and Sir Isaac Coffin that of vice-president. The College of Surgeons will be constant visitors of the Institution, and under such patronage ultimate success appears to be a dead certainty. Ladies and gentlemen wishing to be buried in romantic situations are requested to make early application to Mr. Ebers, of Bond-street, where the grave-book, with a plan of the cemetery, may be seen.

Persons subscribing for family mausoleums are entitled to free admission to all the balls of the season.

Gloves, hatbands, white pocket-handkerchiefs, cephalic snuff, and fragrant essence of onions, for producing tears, to be had of the waiters.

N.B. No objection to burying persons in fancy dresses.

POSTSCRIPT.--The prospectus says that "an eligible site having offered itself"--this must have been a very curious site indeed--the temptation is too great to be resisted, and the public are invited to unite in a joint stock, "Capital £200,000, in shares of £25 each," to contrive something more agreeable for our resting-places than mere vaults and churchyards, and prepare a retreat, after the fashion of the cemetery of _Père la Chaise_, in the neighbourhood of that ever gay and lively city--Paris.

"Within this area," continues the prospectus, "public bodies and individuals may obtain ground for interment, and liberty to erect mausoleums and monuments after their own designs; and vaults and catacombs will also be constructed for general use."

This is giving great latitude--mausoleums and monuments erected promiscuously, after the designs of their future inhabitants, will no doubt present a beautiful variety of tastes and elevations. It should seem, however, that the vaults and catacombs are not to be used exclusively for burying, for, in contradistinction to the interments to which the mausoleums and monuments are to be appropriated, the prospectus states that the vaults and catacombs are for general use. _Déjeuners à la fourchette_, or _petits soupers_ by moonlight, perhaps. We say by moonlight, because illuminating the gardens in the evening does not yet appear to form part of the design.

The following condition we have no doubt will be highly advantageous in a pecuniary point of view to the proprietary, but it sounds disagreeable:--

"Subscribers on or before the 30th day of June, 1830, will be entitled to tickets of precedence, after the rate of one ticket for every five shares; which ticket will entitle the holder to a preference, according to the numerical order of the shares, in the choice of a situation for a grave or a monument. These tickets to be transferable without the shares upon which they shall have been granted, and capable of being held by persons who may not be subscribers or proprietors."

Now, however seriously captious sticklers for rank and pre-eminence may regard the article of precedence, we must say that the case of going out of the world differs a good deal from that of going out of a drawing-room; and we suspect, if the committee of this deadly-lively society could contrive to invert the order of departure, they would dispose of a much greater number of shares than are likely to go off under "existing circumstances." To the pleasure of walking about a burying-ground, with a plan in one's hand, like the Opera House box-book, to select a good place, we confess ourselves somewhat insensible; but we have no doubt that if this job takes, in less than five years we shall see "Graves in a good situation to let," posted at Sams' and Ebers', and "a transferable admission to a catacomb," to be sold for the season, just as a ticket for the pit is at present.

LETTER FROM JOHN TROT TO JOHN BULL.

SIR,--I feel great diffidence in addressing you, and should hesitate a long time before I ventured to throw myself upon your consideration, and through you upon that of the public; but the state of my case is desperate, and since it has recently been decided that beggary is a crime, and that those who dare to relieve distress with their own money are punishable by law, I prefer at once appealing to you.

The fact is, sir, that I am a superannuated lady's footman, my present situation is unbearable--I began the world in the service of the Margravine of Anspach, and was then accounted--I say it with all possible modesty--a remarkably fine young man. Her highness never admitted _low_ persons (I mean in stature) to the honour of her livery; and many a time, until the present Sir Lumley Skeffington chose a cream-coloured coach for her highness instead of a yellow, have I, under favour of the foreign scarlet, been taken for one of the _élite_ of Carlton House.

The Margravine went away, and I became the hanger-on of a duchess's carriage, who shall be nameless, since she is no more. The black breeches and gold bands did not quite suit my taste, and I rejoice to find that they are now _out_ to all intents and purposes. However, speaking figuratively, as well as literally, I hung on until her grace dropped off, then _me voilà_! I had an offer from the Lord Mayor's household. The livery was handsome, and one changes one's master there, like an almanack, every year; but the Lord Mayors have an unpleasant smell about them, and they go to the Old Bailey and the Blue-coat School, and all those horrible places, where one might catch unpleasant disorders, so I declined, and made a push for Pall Mall--but it would not do.

I then, sir, thought of Mr. Coutts,--the late very respectable banker,--but just as I expected a character from the late Mr. Raymond, of Drury-lane Theatre, he was taken ill and died, and when I was about to renew my negotiations, a melancholy circumstance occurred which determined me not to engage in a place where I might, perhaps, be kicked out at a moment's warning.

There _was_ a house, which shall be nameless, in Surrey, where an opening presented itself, but tallow-candles were whispered to me, and I fell back. I had at that time a fancy for Sir H---- W---- W----'s service, for I thought the sugar-loaf buttons were becoming; but the story about the sister and the annuity disgusted me, and I cut that. So I went on, sipping and smelling and never coming to the point, like Macheath, in the operative mendicant's opera; for I was made for a lady's footman, and I will even now back myself against any other two yards and an eighth of humanity behind a carriage, or at candle-light in that capacity. However, to my distress.

I embarked in the service of a _nouveau riche_ (not Hayne, upon my honour), one of the mushrooms who blazed for a season, and then not only went out, but went off, _me voilà!!_ again I looked round me. I was then nearly fifty, called myself young, bought Tyrian dye, which turned my hair blue, and rubbed the bald place on the crown of my head with Russia oil, which smelt unpleasantly. Still no place; the ladies all voted me too old, too fat, too this thing and too that thing, until at last, dear Mr. Bull, I got a situation in a place where I daresay you have never been, but which I know you have heard of, called Montagu-place, Bedford-square, next door but one to your excellent friend, Mrs. Ramsbottom.

And now hear me. In this dreadful solitude, all one sees is the new painted house of Old Cavendish (what a place for a Cavendish!) at the corner a mews, where a man lets glass-coaches (I heard Mr. Raikes make a joke at my master's about a singer in a glass-coach, he called him _Veluti in Speculum_; Mr. Raikes dines with us on off days, and always makes this joke everywhere), and a gothic window out of a modern house in Russell-square. Well, sir, in this infernal place I am obliged to be up every morning before nine (the butler has been in the family twenty years, wears cotton stockings, and never washes his feet); they allow no eggs, only cold meat for breakfast; there is no regular housekeeper; my mistress's own maid is a dowdy, with fingers like radishes unwashed, with squat nails, not nice; the two housemaids absolute gorgons, and the coachman, who is admitted to the privilege of _our_ servants' hall, a dreadful person, smelling of the stable worse even than Mrs. Hopkins' batch. _Oh, Giovi Omnipotente!_ as the Dutch say, what am I to do?

A particularly ill-done dinner is put down about one; sometimes coarse shoulders of mutton (a joint for which my cousin John left the service of a noble lord in the Cabinet some years since), or cold meat, or hashes, or perhaps that workhouse turbot, a brill, or some skate, with very secondary butter for sauce. However, this I could bear; but the carriage, built by some man nobody ever heard of, is called to the door, the steps are so hard and stiff there is hardly any pulling them down; my mistress having thick legs and no daughters, makes things worse, and after having rammed and jammed an infernal brass fist with a stick in it, which my master considers elegant, by way of handle to his coach, till I get it fast, up I mount and away we go, and anybody may see my calves in cotton (no silk in the morning) shaking like elongated moulds of blancmange all the way we rattle along,--all the fault of the builder, no Leader, no Goddal, Baxter and Macklew, no Houlditch, but some goth in Whitechapel. This I could bear; but will you believe it, sir? my master drinks port wine at and after dinner, and enforces my attendance in the room--what can I do?--no claret, no flirtations, no look-out, sniffing the drift air of St. Giles's, and seeing nothing but hackney-coaches. I cannot give up the place, although I don't get more than a half-pay lieutenant in the navy after all; but I am an oppressed man, I feel myself injured, and am, I confess, discontented: if you would take me in hand, and recommend me to some person of taste and judgment, I would go for half the money; but till I am sure of another berth, I should be foolish to risk the bird in hand. Will you say one word in your correspondence, or put in my letter altogether? It may excite inquiry and compassion, and if anybody wishes to communicate with me, any of the Highgate or Kentish Town stages will bring the letter; for, upon my word, I hardly know whether this district is within the range of the regular twopenny post.

I am, Sir, yours in affliction,
JOHN TROT.

To John Bull, Esq.

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.

It happened on the 31st of March, 1926, that the then Duke and Duchess of Bedford were sitting in their good but old house, No. 17, Liberality-place (the corner of Riego-street), near to where old Hammersmith stood before the great improvements, and, although it was past two o'clock, the breakfast equipage still remained upon the table.

It may be necessary to state that the illustrious family in question, having embraced the Roman Catholic faith (which at that period was the established religion of the country), had been allowed to retain their titles and honourable distinctions, although Woburn Abbey had been long before restored to the Church, and was, at the time of which we treat, occupied by a worshipful community of holy friars. The duke's family estates in Old London had been, of course, divided by the Equitable Convention amongst the numerous persons whose distressed situation gave them the strongest claims, and his grace and his family had been for a long time receiving the compensation annuity allotted to his ancestors.

"Where is Lady Elizabeth?" said his grace to the duchess.

"She is making the beds, duke," replied her grace.

"What, again to-day?" said his grace. "Where are Stubbs, Hogsflesh, and Figgins, the females whom, were it not contrary to law, I should call the housemaids?"

"They are gone," said her grace, "on a sketching tour with the manciple, Mr. Nicholson, and his nephew."

"Why are not these things removed?" said his grace, eyeing the breakfast-table, upon which (the piece of furniture being of oak without covering) stood a huge jar of honey, several saucers of beet-root, a large pot of half cold decoction of sassafrage, and an urn full of bean-juice, the use of cotton, sugar, tea, and coffee, having been utterly abolished by law in the year 1888.

"I have rung several times," said the duchess, "and sent Lady Maria up-stairs into the assistants' drawing-room to get some of them to remove the things, but they have kept her, I believe, to sing to them; I know they are very fond of hearing her, and often do so."

His grace, whose appetite seemed renewed by the sight of the still lingering viands which graced the board, seemed determined to make the best of a bad bargain, and sat down to commence an attack upon some potted seal and pickled fish from Baffin's Bay and Behring's Straits, which some of their friends who had gone over there to pass the summer (as was the fashion of those times) in the East India steamships (which always touched there) had given them; and having consumed a pretty fair portion of the remnants, his favourite daughter, Lady Maria, made her appearance.

"Well, Maria," said his grace, "where have you been all this time?"

"Mr. Curry," said her ladyship, "the young person who is good enough to look after our horses, had a dispute with the lady who assists Mr. Biggs in dressing the dinner for us, whether it was necessary at chess to say check to the queen when the queen was in danger or not. I was unable to decide the question, and I assure you I got so terribly laughed at, that I ran away as fast as I could."

"Was Duggins in the assistants' drawing-room, my love?" said the duke.

"No," said Lady Maria.

"I wanted him to take a message for me," said his grace, in a sort of demi-soliloquy.

"I'm sure he cannot go, then," said Lady Maria, "because I know he is gone to the House of Parliament (there was but one at that time), for he told the other gentleman who cleans the plate, that he could not be back to attend at dinner, however consonant with his wishes, because he had promised to wait for the division."

"Ah," sighed the duke, "this comes of his having been elected for Westminster."

At this moment Lord William Cobbett Russell made his appearance, extremely hot and evidently tired, having under his arm a largish parcel.

"What have you there, Willy?" said her grace.

"My new breeches," said his lordship;--"I have called upon the worthy citizen who made them, over and over again, and never could get them, for of course I could not expect him to send them, and he is always either at the academy or the gymnasium: however, to-day I caught him just as he was in a hot debate with a gentleman who was cleaning his windows, as to whether the solidity of a prism is equal to the product of its base by its altitude. I confess I was pleased to catch him at home; but unluckily the question was referred to me, and not comprehending it, I was deucedly glad to get off, which I did as fast as I could, both parties calling after me--'There is a lord for you--look at my lord!'--and hooting me in a manner which, however constitutional, I cannot help thinking deucedly disagreeable."

At this period, what in former times was called a footman, named Dowbiggin, made his appearance, who entered the room, as the duke hoped, to remove the breakfast-things--but it was, in fact, to ask Lady Maria to sketch in a tree in a landscape, which he was in the course of painting.

"Dowbiggin," said his grace in despair, "I wish you would take away these breakfast-things."

"Indeed!" said Dowbiggin, looking at the duke with the most ineffable contempt--"you do--that's capital--what right have you to ask me to do any such thing?"

"Why, Mr. Dowbiggin," said the duchess, who was a bit of a tartar in her way--"his grace pays you, and feeds you, and clothes you, to----"

"Well, duchess," said Dowbiggin, "and what then? Let his grace show me his superiority. I am ready to do anything for him--but please to recollect I asked him yesterday, when I _did_ remove the coffee, to tell me what the Altaic chain is called, when, after having united all the rivers which supply the Jenisei, it stretches as far as the Baikal lake--and what did he answer? he made a French pun, and said '_Je ne sais pas, Dobiggin_'--now, if it can be shown by any statute that I, who am perfectly competent to answer any question I propose, am first to be put off with a quibble by way of reply; and secondly, to be required to work for a man who does not know as much as I do myself, merely because he is a duke, why, I'll do it; but if not, I will resist in a constitutional manner such illiberal oppression, and such ridiculous control, even though I am transported to Scotland for it. Now, Lady Maria, go on with the tree."

"Willy," said the duke to his son, "when you have put away your small-clothes, go and ask Mr. Martingale if he will be kind enough to let the horses be put to our carriage, since the duchess and I wish to go to mass."

"You need not send to Martingale," said Dowbiggin; "he is gone to the Society of Arts to hear a lecture on astronomy."

"Then, Willy, go and endeavour to harness the horses yourself," said the duke to his son, who instantly obeyed.

"You had better mind about those horses, sir," said Dowbiggin, still watching the progress of his tree; "the two German philosophers and Father O'Flynn have been with them to-day, and there appears little doubt that the great system will spread, and that even these animals which we have been taught to despise, will express their sentiments before long."

"The sentiments of a coach-horse!" sighed the duchess.

"Thanks, Lady Maria," said Dowbiggin; "now I'll go to work merrily; and, duke, whenever you can fudge up an answer to my question about the Altaic chain, send one of the girls, and I'll take away the things."

Dowbiggin disappeared, and the duke, who was anxious to get the parlour cleared (for the house, except two rooms, was all appropriated to the assistants), resolved to inquire of his priest, when he was out, what the proper answer would be to Dowbiggin's question, which he had tried to evade by the offensive quibble, when Lord William Cobbett Russell re-appeared, as white as a sheet.

"My dear father," cried his lordship, "it's all over now. The philosophers have carried the thing too far; the chestnut mare swears she'll be d--d if she goes out to-day."

"What," said the duke, "has their liberality gone to this--do horses talk? My dear William, you and I know that asses have written before this; but for horses to speak!"

"Perhaps, Willy," said the duchess, "it is merely yea and nay, or probably only the female horses who talk at all."

"Yes, mother, yes," said her son, "both of them spoke; and not only that, but Nap, the dog you were once so fond of, called after me to say, that we had no right to keep him tied up in that dismal yard, and that he would appeal to Parliament if we did not let him out.

"My dear duchess," said the duke, who was even more alarmed at the spread of intelligence than her grace, "there is but one thing for us to do--let us pack up all we can, and if we can get a few well-disposed post-horses, before they get too much enlightened, to take us towards the coast, let us be off."

What happened further, this historical fragment does not explain; but it is believed that the family escaped with their clothes and a few valuables, leaving their property in the possession of their assistants, who, by extending, with a liberal anxiety (natural in men who have become learned and great by similar means themselves), the benefits of enlightenment, in turn gave way to the superior claims of inferior animals, and were themselves compelled eventually to relinquish happiness, power, and tranquillity in favour of monkeys, horses, jackasses, dogs, and all manner of beasts.

SUNDAY BILLS.

We regret to see that a well-meaning gentleman of the name of Peter, is trying to get up a second edition of the exploded Agnew absurdity. Whatever the object of these efforts may be, it is clear that nothing can more effectually tend to array the country in two classes against each other,--the one of Atheists and Liberals, and the other of Puritans and Fanatics.

How can a gentleman of honour, like Sir Andrew Agnew, prevail upon himself--we are quite sure he is too independent to permit any other person to prevail upon him--to declare in the House of Commons that all classes of operatives are anxious for the closest restrictions on the Sabbath which the House can enforce? It is not the case. As far as working goes, the operatives are at this moment entirely protected; no master can compel his journeymen to work on Sunday; and as for menial servants, they are excepted out of the bill.

[_See Hook's travestie on another page._]]

Does Sir Andrew Agnew believe, or wish anybody else to believe, that the operatives want to be "cribbed, cabined, and confined" on a Sunday, debarred from their excursions to tea-gardens, their little voyages upon the river, their social pipes and ale, or to have their wives and sweethearts mulcted of their cakes and tea upon the only day in the week in which they can enjoy them? Does he really mean seriously to say that hard-working people, who for six consecutive days have been shut up to labour and toil, in heated rooms, in factories, or in gas-lit workshops, desire that they may be hindered from breathing the pure air on the seventh?

And what to the poor--or, indeed, to the rich--is an excursion without refreshment--without the enjoyment of the Sunday's dinner, the weekly festival at which his family enjoy his society, and in his society the treat of something "good to eat?" Why may not these relations, if they prefer good air to bad, go to those "Ordinaries on Sundays at two o'clock," which may be seen announced on every sign-board round London? or why, if they prefer it, may they not travel thither in chaises or other carriages, if they can afford it? Whether this is sinful or not, Messrs. Agnew and Peter may perhaps decide; but of this we are sure, that the operatives, except the already benighted Puritan Radicals, must be, and are opposed, heart and soul, to the monstrous restrictions which a couple of very small men are endeavouring to bring them under, because they think it right, and good, and wise.

The beneficial effects of the measure upon society may be guessed from the following dialogue between Snip, a tailor, and Snob, a shoemaker, living in the same house, each having a wife--one having a child.--(_Time, Sunday morning._)

_Snip._ Vell, Snob, arn't you shaved? Vy, the bells is a-going for Church--ye von't be ready in time.

_Snob._ Church--bless your heart, I can't go to church to-day--the bill's come into play.

_Snip._ Ah! I know that to my cost.

_Snob._ How can I go to church? Ve used to send our bit of wittels to the bakus, and then I and Sal used to go to church, and so give Jenny Walker sixpence to mind the babby till we come back; then arter dinner Sal and I and the babby used to go to Chalk Farm, as reglar as clockwork, every blessed Sunday. She had a cup of the best bohea, with milk hot from the cow--I smoked my pipe and had a pint of ale. Little Jenny used to go to church in the arternoon, and come and jine us, and so help bring babby back. Now we marn't get the things baked at the bakus, and Jenny marn't come and earn sixpence by looking arter the babby--so Sal has to cook the wittels, and I have to mind the child--so there's no church for us.

_Snip._ My missus says she won't do no work Sundays, cause she's afeard of her life of Bill Byers--so we avn't got a morsel of grub for dinner, and neither of us knows where to get none--I won't go to church with this here beard on, six days long; and Jim, him as is the barber over the way, won't shave me for fear of the five pound penalty, so I shall stop where I is.

_Snob._ Come along into our place--my Sal isn't so partic'lar--she's read the hact itself, and swears she's a hexception--we got a line of mutton, vith the kidney in it, and a peck of tatys--come along wi' your old woman, and let's be jolly.

_Snip._ Jolly! Hark, Mr. S----, there's one on 'em over the way--don't ye know 'em?--that's one o' Byers's boys--if he hears you laugh to-day, two-pun-ten for you.

_Snob._ Peter's pence--eh?--well, if we maint speak of a Sunday in the street, let's come in--ours, you know, is a back room, up two pair--they can't hear us there--come along--I say, what shall we have to drink?

_Snip._ There's nothing but vater for us as can't afford vine--public-houses is shut--no sarving Sabbath-day.

_Snob._ Vell, never mind--ve'll try and cheat the old un. There are cunninger dogs than the law-makers, and them is the law-breakers. Go and ask missus to come and join us.

_Snip._ Oh, she'll come, and jump too; and I tells ye what--as we know'd we could not have no heavy wet to-day, she got a couple of bottles of Jacky, as will nourish us through the arternoon.

_Snob._ So it will, Bill; and we won't stir out at all. If we can't have a drop o' short, or a swig o' heavy among the rurals in the harbours--what's the country to us, we can't live upon hair?

_Snip._ No, not by no means. If I could but get my chin scraped, I'd try and make myself comfortable.

_Snob._ Is barber Jem at home?

_Snip._ Yes, shut up in his back parlour a-making wigs, where nobody can see him.

_Snob._ I tell ye vot, let's ax him to eat a bit of our mutton. He han't got nobody to cook for him, poor buffer, so we'll ax him over; and then if he brings his soap and a kipple of razors in his vestcoat pockets, he can shave us two, just by way of amusement, while Sal's getting the line ready.

_Snip._ Amusement!--that's quite gone out,--there's my poor missus, who used to get from eighteen to four-and-twenty shillings a-week a-manty making in Crambo Alley, can't get a stitch o' work to do--nobody wears nothing now--they used only to put on their bits of things onest a-week, to show 'em like, and now they marnt go out a-pleasuring o' Sundays, they buys nothing.

_Snob._ Vell, come along up stairs, we'll have a day on it. please the pigs; your two bottles of Jacky will last us till bed-time, and I'll toss you up who pays for both--I'm not going to swelter out in the sun to walk.

_Snip._ Nor I--I'll be with you in a twinkling, and when we have got my missus and barber Jem, we'll just lock the door, and drink confusion to the reformers.

For the sequel we have not room in detail. Snip, Snob, and barber Jem, ensconced in their fast-hold, pass the Sabbath with the females, in hidden intoxication and carefully-concealed profligacy--drunkenness progresses. Barber Jem contributes from his store over the way to the replenishment of the gin-bottle. Jealousy grows out of familiarity: the women tear each other's caps, and scratch each other's faces. Snob knocks Snip over the balusters, and barber Jem is taken to the station-house dead-drunk.

In better society things will grow even worse. The mind restricted to drudgery through the week must have relaxation at the end of it; and the tradesmen and clerks, and their ladies, sweethearts, and wives, have a right, in this Christian and civilized country, to share the innocent pleasures of the male part of the creation on the only day upon which they can properly enjoy them. What can be more innocent than going to Richmond, walking upon the hill, or paddling about by the water? What more agreeable or healthy than steaming to Gravesend (where the animosity of the people towards the aristocracy has recently been evinced by their conduct towards the Pier)? What more natural than to eat and drink when arrived there?--No; that is contrary to the law. What! of nature or nations!--No; of Agnew and of Peter. Surely if young ladies are satisfied with soles and eels, and ducks and peas, and sage and onions, and port wine and punch, and such things as these, all eaten fairly and above-board at open windows or in the open air, such persons as Peter and Agnew should rejoice thereat. Confine them in London, deny them harmless gaiety, pen them up with their lovers and friends, tell them they must not stir out, and, like the Snips and Snobs of inferior life, they will turn their thoughts into other channels, and soles and eels, and ducks and peas, will shortly sink in their estimation, only, however, to give place to a catalogue of other things too numerous to mention in the short space of an advertisement.

Oh, if these Agnews and Peters would but be content to take man as God has been pleased to make him, and allow him the free agency with which the Divinity has invested him, how much more wisely would they act! If they themselves believe that piety consists in eating cold meat on Sundays, in avoiding carriages, in eschewing all sorts of social conversation; if they see perdition in a plum-bun, and utter destruction in a glass of mild ale, let them henceforth live on frigid sheep, moan, mump, and be miserable, and fast, and grieve, in direct opposition to the spirit and character of Christians, observing the Protestant Sunday; but do not let them meddle with matters which cannot concern them, and by their success in which they would infallibly corrupt the body of the people, and endanger the safety of the commonwealth.

THE SPINSTER'S PROGRESS.

At 15.--Dimpled cheeks, sparkling eyes, coral lips, and ivory teeth--a sylph in figure. All anxiety for coming out--looks about her with an arch yet timid expression, and blushes amazingly upon the slightest provocation.

16.--Bolder and plumper--draws, sings, plays the harp, dines at table when there are small parties--gets fond of plays, to which she goes in a private box--dreams of a hero--hates her governess--is devoted to poetry.

17.--Having no mother who values herself on her youth, is presented by an aunt--first terrified, then charmed. Comes out--Almack's--Opera--begins to flirt--selects the most agreeable but most objectionable man in the room as the object of her affections--he, eminently pleasant, but dreadfully poor--talks of love in a cottage, and a casement window all over woodbine.

18.--Discards the sighing swain, and fancies herself desperately devoted to a Lancer, who has amused himself by praising her perfections. Delights in _fêtes_ and _déjeuners_--dances herself into half a consumption. Becomes an intimate friend of Henry's sister.

19.--Votes Henry stupid--too fond of himself to care for her--talks a little louder than the year before--takes care to show that she understands the best-concealed _bon-mots_ of the French plays--shows off her bright eyes, and becomes the centre of four satellites who flicker round her.