Chapter IV: Act THE THIRD: Scene I

_A Grand Saloon._

_Enter DON SCIPIO and VASQUEZ._

_Don Scipio._ D'ye hear, Vasquez? run to Father Benedick, tell him to wipe his chin, go up to the chapel, put on his spectacles, open his breviary,--find out matrimony, and wait till we come to him.--[_Exit VASQUEZ._] Then, hey, for a brace of weddings!

AIR XV.--DON SCIPIO.

_Then hey for a lass and a bottle to cheer,_
_And a thumping bantling every year!_
_With skin as white as snow,_
_And hair as brown as a berry!_
_With eyes as black as a sloe,_
_And lips as red as a cherry;_
_Sing rory tory,_
_Dancing, prancing,_
_Laugh and lie down is the play,_
_We'll fondle together,_
_In spite of the weather,_
_And kiss the cold winter away._
_Laugh while you live,_
_For as life is a jest,_
_Who laughs the most,_
_Is sure to live best._
_When I was not so old,_
_I frolick'd among the misses;_
_And when they thought me too bold,_
_I stopped their mouths with kisses._
_Sing rory, tory, &c._

I wonder, is Don Fernando drest--Oh, here comes the servant, in his proper habiliments!

_Enter DON FERNANDO, in a Livery._

Ay, now, my lad, you look something like.

_Don Fer._ Yes, your honour, I was quite sick of my grandeur--My passing so well in this disguise gives me a very humble opinion of myself.

[_Aside._

_Don Scipio._ But, Pedrillo, is your master equipped? 'faith, I long to see him in his proper garb.

_Don Fer._ Why, no, sir, we're a little behind hand with our finery, on account of a portmanteau of clothes that's mislaid somewhere or other.

_Don Scipio._ Portmanteau! Oh, it's safe enough--Your fellow servant has it.

_Don Fer._ Fellow servant?

_Don Scipio._ Ay, the little spy has taken it in charge--Oh, here comes the very beagle.

_Enter SPADO._

Well, my little dreamer, look; Pedrillo has got into his own clothes again.

_Spado._ [_Surprised and aside._] Don Fernando in a livery! or is this really a servant? Zounds! sure I ha'n't been telling truth all this while!--We must face it though--Ah, my dear old friend!--Glad to see you yourself again.

[_Shakes Hands._

_Don Fer._ My dear boy, I thank you--[_Aside._]--So, here's an old friend I never saw before.

_Don Scipio._ Tell Pedrillo where you have left your master's portmanteau. While I go lead him in triumph to his bride.

[_Exit._

_Don Fer._ Pray, my good, new, old friend, where has your care deposited this portmanteau?

_Spado._ Gone!

[_Looking after DON SCIPIO._

_Don Fer._ The portmanteau gone!

_Spado._ Ay, his senses are quite gone.

_Don Fer._ Where's the portmanteau that Don Scipio says you took charge of?

_Spado._ Portmanteau! Ah, the dear gentleman! Portmanteau did he say? yes, yes, all's over with his poor brain; yesterday his head run upon purses, and trumpeters, and the lord knows what; and to-day he talks of dreamers, spies, and portmanteaus.--Yes, yes, his wits are going.

_Don Fer._ It must be so; he talked to me last night and to-day of I know not what, in a strange incoherent style.

_Spado._ Grief--all grief.

_Don Fer._ If so, this whim of my being Pedrillo is, perhaps, the creation of his own brain,--but then, how could it have run through the whole family?--This is the first time I ever heard Don Scipio was disordered in his mind.

_Spado._ Ay, we'd all wish to conceal it from your master, lest it might induce him to break off the match, for I don't suppose he'd be very ready to marry into a mad family.

_Don Fer._ And pray, what are you, sir, in this mad family?

_Spado._ Don Scipio's own gentleman, these ten years--Yet, you heard him just now call me your fellow servant.--How you did stare when I accosted you as an old acquaintance!--But we always humour him--I should not have contradicted him, if he had said I was the pope's nuncio.

_Don Fer._ [_Aside._] Oh, then I don't wonder at Dame Isabel taking advantage of his weakness.

_Spado._ Another new whim of his,--he has taken a fancy, that every body has got a ring from him, which, he imagines, belonged to his deceased lady.

_Don Fer._ True, he asked me something about a ring.

_Don Scipio._ [_Without._] I'll wait on you presently.

_Enter DON SCIPIO._

_Don Scipio._ Ha, Pedrillo, now your disguises are over, return me the ring.

_Spado._ [_Apart to FERNANDO._] You see he's at the ring again.

_Don Scipio._ Come, let me have it, lad; I'll give you a better thing, but that ring belonged to my deceased lady.

_Spado._ [_To FERNANDO._] His deceased lady!--Ay, there's the touch.

_Don Fer._ Poor gentleman!

[_Aside._

_Don Scipio._ Do let me have it--Zounds, here's five pistoles, and the gold of the ring is not worth a dollar.

_Spado._ We always humour him; give him this ring, and take the money.

[_Apart.--Gives FERNANDO a Ring._

_Don Fer._ [_Presents it to DON SCIPIO._] There, sir.

_Don Scipio_ [_Gives Money._] And there, sir--Oh, you mercenary rascal! [_Aside._] I knew 'twas in the purse I gave you last night in the forest.

_Spado._ Give me the cash, I must account for his pocket money.

[_Apart to, and taking the Money from FERNANDO._

_Ped._ [_Without._] Pedrillo! Pedrillo! sirrah!

_Don Scipio._ Run, don't you hear your master, you brace of rascals?--Fly!

[_Exit SPADO._

_Don Scipio._ [_Looking out._] What an alteration!

_Enter PEDRILLO, richly dressed._

_Ped._ [_To FERNANDO._] How now, sirrah! loitering here, and leave me to dress myself, hey!

[_With great Authority._

_Don Fer._ Sir, I was----

[_With Humility._

_Ped._ Was!--and are--and will be, a lounging rascal, but you fancy you are still in your finery, you idle vagabond!

_Don Scipio._ Bless me, Don Fernando is very passionate, just like his father.

_Don Fer._ [_Aside._] The fellow, I see, will play his part to the top.

_Ped._ Well, Don Scipio,--A hey! an't I the man for the ladies? [_Strutting._] I am, for I have studied Ovid's Art of Love.

_Don Scipio._ Yes, and Ovid's Metamorphoses too, ha! ha! ha!

_Ped._ [_Aside._] He! he! he! what a sneaking figure my poor master cuts!--Egad! I'll pay him back all his domineering over me.--Pedrillo!

_Don Fer._ Your honour?

_Ped._ Fill this box with Naquatoch.

[_Gives Box._

_Don Fer._ Yes, sir.

[_Going._

_Ped._ Pedrillo!

_Don Fer._ Sir?

_Ped._ Perfume my handkerchief.

_Don Fer._ Yes, sir.

[_Going._

_Ped._ Pedrillo!

_Don Fer._ Sir?

_Ped._ Get me a toothpick.

_Don Fer._ Yes, sir.

[_Going._

_Ped._ Pedrillo!

_Don Fer._ [_Aside._] What an impudent dog!--Sir?

_Ped._ Nothing--Abscond.

_Don Fer._ [_Aside._] If this be my picture, I blush for the original.

_Ped._ Master, to be like you, do let me give you one kick.

[_Aside to FERNANDO._

_Don Fer._ What!

_Ped._ Why, I won't hurt you much.

_Don Fer._ I'll break your bones, you villain.

_Ped._ Ahem! Tol de rol.

_Don Scipio._ Pedrillo!

_Ped._ Sir?

[_Forgetting himself._

_Don Fer._ [_Apart._] What are you at, you rascal?

_Ped._ Ay, what are you at, you rascal? avoid!

_Don Fer._ I'm gone, sir.

[_Exit._

_Ped._ Cursed ill-natured of him, not to let me give him one kick.

[_Aside._

_Don Scipio._ Don Fernando, I like you vastly.

_Ped._ So you ought--Tol de rol.--Who could now suspect me to be the son of a tailor, and that, four hours ago, I was a footman! [_Aside._] Tol de rol.

_Don Scipio._ Son-in-law, you're a flaming beau!--Egad, you have a princely person.

_Ped._ All the young girls--whenever I got behind--Inside of a coach,--All the ladies of distinction, whether they were making their beds, or dressing the--dressing themselves at the toilet, would run to the windows,--peep through their fingers, their fans I mean, simper behind their handkerchiefs, and lisp out in the softest, sweetest tones, "Oh, dear me, upon my honour and reputation, there is not such a beautiful gentleman in the world, as this same Don Pedrill--Fernando."

_Don Scipio._ Ha! ha! ha! can't forget Pedrillo.--But come, ha' done with your Pedrillos now--be yourself, son-in-law.

_Ped._ Yes, I will be yourself, son-in-law, you are sure of that honour, Don Scipio; but pray, what fortune am I to have with your daughter? You are a grey-headed old fellow, Don Scipio, and by the course of nature, you know, you cannot live long.

_Don Scipio._ Pardon me, sir, I don't know any such thing.

_Ped._ So when we put a stone upon your head----

_Don Scipio._ Put a stone upon my head!

_Ped._ Yes, when you are settled--screwed down, I shall have your daughter to maintain, you know.

_Don Scipio._ [_Aside._] A narrow-minded spark!

_Ped._ Not that I would think much of that, I am so generous.

_Don Scipio._ Yes, generous as a Dutch usurer!

[_Aside._

_Ped._ The truth is Don Scipio, I was always a smart young gentleman.

[_Dances and sings._

_Don Scipio._ A hey! Since Don Fernando turns out to be such a coxcomb, 'faith, I'm not sorry that my own child, has escaped him:--A convent itself is better than a marriage with a monkey.--The poor thing's fortune though!--And then my son--I begin now to think I was too hard upon Caesar--to compare him with this puppy--but I must forget my children, Dame Isabel will have me upon no other terms.

[_Aside._

_Ped._ D'ye hear, Don Scipio, let us have a plentiful feast.

_Don Scipio._ Was ever such a conceited, empty, impudent----

[_Exit._

_Ped._ Yes, I'm a capital fellow, ha! ha! So my fool of a master sets his wits to work after a poor girl, that, I am told, they are packing into a convent, and he dresses me up as himself, to carry the rich Italian heiress. Donna Victoria--Well, I'm not a capital fellow; but I was made for a gentleman--gentleman! I'm the neat pattern for a lord--I have a little honour about me--a bit of love too; ay, and a scrap of courage, perhaps--hem! I wish I'd a rival to try it though--odd, I think I could fight at any weapon, from a needle to a hatchet.

_Enter PHILIPPO, with a Letter and Basket._

_Phil._ Signor, are you Don Fernando de Zelva?

_Ped._ Yes, boy.

_Phil._ Here's a letter for you, sir, from Don Alphonso.

_Ped._ I don't know any Don Alphonso, boy. What's the letter about?

_Phil._ I think, sir, 'tis to invite you to a feast.

_Ped._ A feast!--Oh, I recollect now--Don Alphonso, what! my old acquaintance! give it me, boy.

_Phil._ But, are you sure, sir, you're Don Fernando?

_Ped._ Sure, you dog!--don't you think I know myself?--let's see, let's see--[_Opens the Letter, and reads._] _Signor, though you seem ready to fall on to a love-feast, I hope a small repast in the field won't spoil your stomach_--Oh, this is only a snack before supper--_I shall be, at six o'clock this evening_--You dog, it's past six now--_in the meadow, near the cottage of the vines, where I expect you'll meet me_--Oh dear, I shall be too late!--_As you aspire to Donna Victoria, your sword must be long enough to reach my heart, Alphonso._ My sword long enough! [_Frightened._] Oh, the devil!--Feast! Zounds, this is a downright challenge!

_Phil._ I beg your pardon, signor, but if I hadn't met my sweetheart, Catilina, you would have had that letter two hours ago.

_Ped._ Oh, you have given it time enough, my brave boy.

_Phil._ Well, sir, you'll come?

_Ped._ Eh! Yes, I dare say he'll come.

_Phil._ He!

_Ped._ Yes, I'll give it him, my brave boy.

_Phil._ Him! Sir, didn't you say you were----

_Ped._ Never fear, child, Don Fernando shall have it.

_Phil._ Why, sir, an't you Don Fernando?

_Ped._ Me! not I, child--no, no, I'm not Fernando, but, my boy, I would go to the feast, but you have delayed the letter so long, that I have quite lost my stomach--Go, my fine boy.

_Phil._ Sir, I----

_Ped._ Go along, child, go! [_Puts PHILIPPO off._] however, Don Fernando shall attend you--but here comes my sposa--

_Enter LORENZA, reading a Letter._

_Dearest LORENZA,_

_By accident I heard of your being in the castle--If you don't
wish to be the instrument of your mother's imposition, an impending
blow, which means you no harm, this night shall discover an
important secret relative to him, who desires to resign even life
itself, if not your_

RAMIREZ.

My love! [_Kisses the Letter._] I wish to be nothing, if not your Lorenza; this foolish Fernando! [_Looking at PEDRILLO._] but, ha! ha! ha! I'll amuse myself with him--looks tolerably now he's dressed--not so agreeable as my discarded lover Alphonso, though.

[_Aside._

_Ped._ I'll accost her with elegance--How do you do, signora?

_Lor._ Very well, sir, at your service.--Dresses exactly like Prince Radifocani.

_Ped._ Now I'll pay her a fine compliment--Signora, you're a clever little body--Will you sit down, signora?

[_Hands a Chair._

_Lor._ So polite too!

_Ped._ Oh, I admire politeness.

[_Sits._

_Lor._ This would not be good manners in Florence, though.

_Ped._ Oh! [_Rises._] I beg pardon--Well, sit in that chair; I'll assure you, Donna Victoria, I don't grudge a little trouble for the sake of good manners.

[_Places another Chair._

_Lor._ Voi cette motto gentile.

[_Courtesies._

_Ped._ Yes, I sit on my seat genteelly--I find I understand a good deal of Italian--Now to court her--hem! hem! what shall I say? Hang it, I wish my master had gone through the whole business, to the very drawing of the curtains.--I believe I ought to kneel though--[_Aside._--_Kneels._]--Oh, you most beautiful goddess, you angelic angel!

[_Repeats._

_For you, my fair, I'd be a rose,_
_To bloom beneath that comely nose;_
_Or, you the flower, and I the bee,_
_My sweets I'd sip from none but thee._
_Was I a pen, you paper white,_
_Ye gods, what billet-doux I'd write!_
_My lips the seal, what am'rous smacks_
_I'd print on yours, if sealing-wax._
_No more I'll say, you stop my breath,_
_My only life, you'll be my death._

[Rises.

Well said, little Pedrillo!

[_Wipes his Knees._

_Lor._ There is something in Don Fernando's passion extremely tender, though romantic and extravaganza.

_Ped._ Oh, for some sweet sounds! signora, if you'll sing me a song, I'll stay and hear it, I'm so civil.

_Lor._ With pleasure, sir.

AIR XVI.--LORENZA.

_Heart beating,_
_Repeating,_
_Vows in palpitation,_
_Sweetly answers each fond hope;_
_Pr'ythee leave me,_
_You'll deceive me,_
_After other beauties running,_
_Smiles so roguish, eyes so cunning,_
_Show where points the inclination._

[Exeunt.

SCENE II.

_A Gallery of the Castle._

_Enter FERNANDO, ALPHONSO, and VICTORIA._

_Don Fer._ Give me joy, Alphonso; Father Benedick, in this dear and wished-for union, has this moment made me the happiest of mankind.

_Don Alph._ Then it is certain all you have told me of my Victoria?

_Vict._ True, indeed, Alphonso, that name really belongs to me.

_Don Alph._ No matter, as neither lineage, name, or fortune, caught my heart, let her forfeit all, she is still dear to her Alphonso.

_Don Fer._ Courage, Alphonso--I'll answer you shall be no exception to the general joy of this happy night.

_Don Alph._ Happy, indeed, if blest with my Lorenza.

AIR XVII.--ALPHONSO.

_Come, ye hours, with bliss replete,_
_Bear me to my charmer's feet!_
_Cheerless winter must I prove,_
_Absent from, the maid I love;_
_But the joys our meetings bring,_
_Show the glad return of spring._

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.

_A View of the Outside of the Castle, with Moat and Drawbridge._

_Enter DON CAESAR and SPADO._

_Don Caesar._ You gave my letter to the lady?

_Spado._ Yes, I did, Captain Ramirez.

_Don Caesar._ Lucky, she knows me only by that name.

[_Aside._

_Spado._ A love-affair, hey,--Oh, sly!

_Don Caesar._ Hush! Mind you let us all in by the little wicket in the east rampart.

_Spado._ I'll let you in, captain, and a banditti is like a cat, where the head can get in, the body will follow.

_Don Caesar._ Soft! Letting down the drawbridge for me now may attract observation. [_Looks out._] Yonder I can get across the moat.

_Spado._ But, captain! [_Calling._] My dear captain! If you fall into the water, you may take cold, my dear sir,--I wish you were at the bottom, with a stone about your neck!

[_Aside._

AIR XVIII.--DON CAESAR.

_At the peaceful midnight hour,_
_Ev'ry sense, and ev'ry pow'r,_
_Fetter'd lies in downy sleep;_
_Then our careful watch we keep,_
_While the wolf, in nightly prowl,_
_Bays the moon, with hideous howl,_
_Gates are barr'd, a vain resistance!_
_Females shriek; but no assistance._
_Silence, or you meet your fate;_
_Your keys, your jewels, cash and plate;_
_Locks, bolts, bars, soon fly asunder,_
_Then to rifle, rob, and plunder._

[_Exit DON CAESAR._

_Spado._ I see how this is--our captain's to carry off the lady, and my brethren all the booty, what's left for me then? No, devil a bit they'll give me--Oh, I must take care to help myself in time--Got nothing yet, but that portmanteau, a few silver spoons, and tops of pepper-castors; let's see, I've my tools here still--[_Takes out Pistols._] 'Egad, I'll try and secure a little before these fellows come, and make a general sweep--Eh, [_Looks out._] My made-up Fernando!

[_Retires._

_Enter PEDRILLO._

_Ped._ He! he! he! Yes, my master has certainly married the little nunnery-girl--Ha! ha! ha! Alphonso to demand satisfaction of me! no, no, Don Fernando is a master for the gentlemen, I am a man for the ladies.

AIR XIX.--PEDRILLO.

_A soldier I am for a lady,_
_What beau was e'er arm'd completer?_
_When face to face,_
_Her chamber the place,_
_I'm able and willing to meet her._
_Gad's curse, my dear lasses, I'm ready_
_To give you all satisfaction;_
_I am the man,_
_For the crack of your fan,_
_Tho' I die at your feet in the action._
_Your bobbins may beat up a row-de dow,_
_Your lap-dog may out with his bow wow wow,_
_The challenge in love,_
_I take up the glove,_
_Tho' I die at your feet in the action._

_Spado_ [_Advances._] That's a fine song, signor.

_Ped._ Hey! did you hear me sing?

_Spado._ I did, 'twas charming.

_Ped._ Then take a pinch of my macquabah.

[_Offers, and SPADO takes._

_Spado._ Now, signor, you'll please to discharge my little bill.

_Ped._ Bill! I don't owe you any--

_Spado._ Yes, you do, sir; recollect, didn't you ever hire any thing of me?

_Ped._ Me! no!

_Spado._ Oh, yes; I lent you the use of my two fine ears, to hear your song, and the use of my most capital nose, to snuff up your macquabah.

_Ped._ Eh! what the deuce, do you hire out your senses and organs, and--

_Spado._ Yes, and if you don't instantly pay the hire, I'll strike up a symphonia on this little barrel organ here.

[_Shows a Pistol._

_Ped._ Hold, my dear sir--there--[_Gives Money._]--I refuse to pay my debts!--Sir, I'm the most punctual--[_Frightened._] But if you please, rather than hire them again, I'd chuse to buy your fine nose, and your capital ears, out and out.

_Spado._ Hark ye! [_In a low Tone._] You owe your Donship to a finesse of mine, so mention this, and you are undone, sirrah!

_Ped._ Sir! [_Frightened._] Dear sir! [_SPADO presents Pistol._]--Oh, lord, sir!

[_Exit._

_Spado._ I suspect presently this house will be too hot for me, yet the devil tempts me strongly to venture in once more. If I could but pick up a few more little articles--Ecod, I'll venture, though I feel an ugly sort of tickling under my left ear--Oh, poor Spado.

[_Exit._

SCENE IV.

_A Hall in the Castle._

_Enter SPADO._

_Spado._ So many eyes about--I can do nothing; if I could but raise a commotion to employ their attention--Oh! here's Don Juan, father to Fernando, just arrived--Yes, if I could but mix up a fine confusion now--ay, that's the time to pick up the loose things--but hold, I am told this Don Juan is very passionate--heh! to set him and Don Scipio together by the ears--Ears!--I have it.

_Enter DON JUAN in a travelling Dress._

_Don Juan._ Egad, my coming will surprise my son Fernando, and Don Scipio too--tell him I'm here--I hope I'm time enough for the wedding.

_Spado._ [_Slily._] A grim-looking old gentleman!

[_Bows obsequiously._

_Don Juan._ Who's dog are you?

_Spado._ How do you do, signor?

_Don Juan._ Why, are you a physician?

_Spado._ Me a physician! Alack-a-day, no, your honour, I am poor Spado.

_Don Juan._ Where's Don Scipio? What the devil, is this his hospitality? he has heard that I am here?

_Spado._ He hear! Ah, poor gentleman--hear! his misfortune!

_Don Juan._ Misfortune! What, he's married again?

_Spado._ At the brink.

_Don Juan._ Marry, and near threescore! What, has he lost his senses?

_Spado._ He has nearly lost one, sir.

_Don Juan._ But where is he? I want to ask him about it.

_Spado._ Ask! then you must speak very loud, sir.

_Don Juan._ Why, what, is he deaf?

_Spado._ Almost, sir, the dear gentleman can scarce hear a word.

_Don Juan._ Ah, poor fellow! Hey! Isn't yonder my son?

[_Walks up._

_Spado._ Now if I could bring the old ones together, I should'nt doubt of a quarrel.

_Enter DON SCIPIO._

_Don Scipio._ Ah, here's my friend, Don Juan! Spado, I hope he ha'n't heard of his son's pranks.

_Spado._ Hear! Ah! poor Don Juan's hearing! I've been roaring to him these five minutes.

_Don Scipio._ Roaring to him!

_Spado._ He's almost deaf.

_Don Scipio._ Bless me!

_Spado._ You must bellow to him like a speaking trumpet.

[_Exit SPADO._

_Don Scipio._ [_Very loud._] Don Juan, you are welcome.

_Don Juan._ [_Starting._] Hey! Strange that your deaf people always speak loud--[_Very loud._] I'm glad to see you, Don Scipio.

_Don Scipio._ When people are deaf themselves, they think every body else is too--How long have you been this way?

[_Bawling._

_Don Juan._ Just arrived.

[_Bawling in his Ear._

_Don Scipio._ I mean as to the hearing.

[_Very loud._

_Don Juan._ Ay, I find it's very bad with you. [_Bawling._] Zounds, I shall roar myself as hoarse as a raven!

_Don Scipio._ Ah, my lungs can't hold out a conversation--I must speak by signs.

[_Motions to drink._

_Don Juan._ What now, are you dumb too?

_Enter VASQUEZ. Whispers SCIPIO._

_Don Scipio._ Oh, you may speak out, nobody can hear but me.

_Don Juan._ [_To VASQUEZ._] Pray, is this crazy fool, your master here, going to be married?

_Don Scipio._ What!

[_Surprised._

_Vas._ [_To SCIPIO._] Don Fernando would speak to you, sir.

[_Exit VASQUEZ._

_Don Scipio._ I wish he'd come here and speak to this old blockhead, his father.--[_Takes his Hand._]--Don Juan, you are welcome to my house--but I wish you had stayed at home.

_Don Juan._ I am much obliged to you.

_Don Scipio._ You will soon see your son--as great an ass as yourself.

_Don Juan._ An ass! you shall find me a tiger, you old whelp!

_Don Scipio._ Why, zounds! you're not deaf!

_Don Juan._ A mad--ridiculous!--

_Enter FERNANDO and VICTORIA._

Fernando! hey, boy, what the devil dress is this?

_Don Fer._ My father--Sir--I--I--

_Don Scipio_. [_To VICTORIA._] What are you doing with that fellow?

_Vict._ Your pardon, dearest father, when I own that he is now my husband.

_Don Scipio._ Eh! eh! By this ruin, this eternal disgrace upon my house, am I punished for my unjust severity to my poor son, Don Caesar--married to that rascal!

_Don Juan._ Call my son a rascal!

_Don Scipio._ Zounds, man! who's thinking of your son? But this fellow to marry the girl, and disgrace my family!

_Don Juan._ Disgrace! He has honoured your family, you crack-brained old fool!

_Don Scipio._ A footman honour my family, you superannuated, deaf old idiot!

_Enter DAME ISABELLA._

Oh, Dame, fine doings! Pedrillo here has married my daughter.

_Don Juan._ But why this disguise?--what is all this about? tell me, Fernando.

_Isab._ What, is this really Don Fernando?

_Don Scipio._ Do you say so, Don Juan?

_Don Juan._ To be sure.

_Don Scipio._ Hey! then, Dame, your daughter is left to the valet--no fault of mine, though.

_Isab._ What a vile contrivance!

_Don Fer._ No, madam, yours was the contrivance, which love and accident have counteracted, in justice to this injured lady.

_Isab._ Oh, that villain Spado!

_Don Juan._ Spado? why that's the villain told me you were deaf.

_Don Scipio._ Why, he made me believe you could not hear a word.

_Isab._ And led me into this unlucky error.

[_Exit ISABELLA._

_Don Juan._ Oh, what a lying scoundrel!

_Enter SPADO, behind._

_Spado._ I wonder how my work goes on here!--[_Roars in DON JUAN's Ear._] I give you joy, sir.

_Don Juan._ I'll give you sorrow, you rascal!

[_Beats him._

_Don Scipio._ I'll have you hang'd, you villain!

_Spado._ Hang'd! dear sir, 'twould be the death of me.

_Pedrillo._ [_Without._] Come along, my cara sposa--tol-de-rol--

_Enter PEDRILLO._

How do you do, boys and girls?--Zounds! my old master!

_Don Juan._ Pedrillo! hey-dey! here's finery!

_Ped._ I must brazen it out.--Ah, Don Juan, my worthy dad!

_Don Juan._ Why, what in the name of--but I'll beat you to a mummy, sirrah!

_Ped._ Don't do that--I'm going to be married to an heiress, so mustn't be beat to a mummy.--Stand before me, spouse.

[_Gets behind LORENZA._

_Don Juan._ Let me come at him.

_Spado._ Stay where you are, he don't want you.

_Don Fer._ Dear sir.

_Don Scipio._ Patience, Don Juan; your son has got my daughter--so our contract's fulfilled.

_Don Juan._ Yes, sir; but who is to satisfy me for your intended affront, hey?

_Don Scipio._ How shall I get out of this--I'll revenge all upon you, you little rascal! to prison you go--Here, a brace of alguazils, and a pair of handcuffs.

_Spado._ For me! the best friend you had in the world!

_Don Scipio._ Friend, you villain! that sha'n't save your neck.

_Spado._ Why, I've saved your throat.

_Don Scipio._ How, sirrah?

_Spado._ Only two of the banditti here in the castle, this morning.

_Don Scipio._ Oh, dear me!

_Spado._ But I got them out.

_Don Scipio._ How? how?

_Spado._ I told them they should come and murder you this evening.

_Don Scipio._ Much obliged to you.--Oh, lord!

[_A Crash and tumultuous Noise without; BANDITTI rush in, armed; DON
CAESAR at their Head--FERNANDO draws, and stands before VICTORIA._

_Band._ This way!

_Don Scipio._ Oh, ruin! I'm a miserable old man! Where's now my son, Don Caesar?--If I hadn't banished him, I should now have a protector in my child.

_Don Caesar._ Then you shall.--Hold! [_To BANDITTI._] My father!

[_Kneels to DON SCIPIO._

_Don Scipio._ How! My son, Don Caesar!

_Don Caesar._ Yes, sir; drove to desperation by--my follies were my own--but my vices----

_Don Scipio._ Were the consequence of my rigour.--My child! let these tears wash away the remembrance.

_Don Caesar._ My father! I am unworthy of this goodness.--I confess even now I entered this castle with an impious determination to extort by force--

_Sang._ Captain, we didn't come here to talk. Give the word for plunder.

_Band._ Ay, plunder!

[_Very tumultuous._

_Don Caesar._ Hold!

_Spado._ Ay, captain, let's have a choice rummaging.

[_Cocks his Pistol._

_Ped._ Oh, Lord! there's the barrel-organ!

_Don Caesar._ Stop! hold! I command you.

_Don Scipio._ Oh, heavens! then is Ramirez the terrible captain of the cut-throats--the grand tiger of the cave?--But all my fault! the unnatural parent should be punished in a rebellious child. My life is yours.

_Don Caesar._ And I'll preserve it as my own.--Retire, and wait your orders.

[_Exeunt all BANDITTI but SPADO._

_Don Scipio_ What, then, you won't let me be murdered. My dear boy! my darling! Forgive me!--I--I--I pardon all.

_Don Caesar._ Then, sir, I shall first beg it for my companions; if reclaimed, by the example of their leader, their future lives will show them worthy of mercy; if not, with mine let them be forfeit to the hand of justice.

_Don Scipio._ Some, I believe, may go up--Eh, little Spado, could you dance upon nothing?

_Spado._ Yes, sir; but our captain, your son, must lead up the ball.

[_Bows low._

_Don Scipio._ Ha! ha! ha! Well, you know, though ill bestowed, I must try my interest at Madrid.--Children, I ask your pardon; forgive me, Victoria, and take my blessing in return.

_Vict._ And do you, sir, acknowledge me for your child?

_Don Scipio._ I do, I do; and my future kindness shall make amends for my past cruelty.

_Ped._ Ha, here comes my sposa--Eh! got a beau already?

_Enter ALPHONSO and LORENZA._

_Don Caesar._ My beloved Lorenza! } [_Embrace._ _Lor._ My dearest.

_Don Alph._ My good captain! as I knew this lady only by the name of Victoria, you little imagined, in your friendly promises to me, you were giving away your Lorenza; but, had I then known we both loved the same mistress, I should, ere now, have relinquished my pretensions.

_Lor._ My good-natured Alphonso! Accept my gratitude, my esteem; but my love is, and ever was, in the possession of----

_Don Caesar._ Dear father, this is the individual lady whose beauty, grace, and angelic voice, captivated my soul at Florence; if she can abase her spotless mind, to think upon a wretch stained with crimes, accompany her pardon with your approbation.

_Don Scipio._ Isabel has been too good, and I too bad a parent!--Ha! ha! ha! then fate has decreed you are to be my daughter, some way or other.

_Ped._ Yes; but has fate decreed that my sposa is to be another man's wife?

_Spado._ And, sir, [_To SCIPIO._] if fate has decreed that your son is not to be hanged, let the indulgence extend to the humblest of his followers.

[_Bows low._

_Don Scipio._ Ha! ha! ha! Well, though I believe you a great, little rogue, yet it seems you have been the instrument of bringing about things just as they should be.

_Don Juan._ They are not as they should be, and I tell you again, Don Scipio, I will have----

_Don Scipio._ Well, and shall have--a bottle of the best wine in Andalusia, sparkling Muscadel, bright as Victoria's eye, and sweet as Lorenza's lip: hey, now for our brace of weddings--where are the violins, lutes, and cymbals? I say, let us be merry in future; and past faults our good-humoured friends will forget and forgive.

GLEE.--FINALE.

_Social powers, at pleasure's call,_
_Welcome here to Hymen's hall;_
_Bacchus, Ceres, bless the feast,_
_Momus lend the sprightly jest,_
_Songs of joy elate the soul,_
_Hebe fill the rosy bowl,_
_Every chaste and dear delight_
_Crown with joy this happy night._

[Exeunt.

THE END.

End of Project Gutenberg's The Castle of Andalusia, by John O'Keeffe

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