Chapter II: Act II: SCENE I.--A Street

_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS.

_Trounce_. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day.

_Sol_. Mark, serjeant!

_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN.

_Trounce_. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of gentlemen.--An't you single, my lads?

1 _Coun_. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she's an helpless woman.

_Trounce_. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own master then--the fitter to serve his Majesty.--Can you read?

1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever at it.

_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend?

2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes?

2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the hero way, except once about a comet.

_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge!--Well, my heroes, I'll write word to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies.

_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will.

_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best.

_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money to buy new ones.

_Coun_. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_.]

_Trounce_. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS.] Jack! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.]

_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you list?

_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under?

_Trounce_. Under me, to be sure.

_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer?

_Trounce_. He is, and I am commander over him.

_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?

_Trounce_. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.-- Yours, General Deluge.

_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often?

_Trounce_. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to wenching.

_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT.

_Flint_. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_.]

_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.

_Trounce_. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole already. [_Exit_.]

_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Just_. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.

_Rosy_. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them pass.

_Just_. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!

[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT _and two_ SOLDIERS.

_Flint_. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous?

_O'Con_. I do.

_Flint_. Are you rich?

_O'Con_. Noa.

_Flint_. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here-- take it. [_Gives him a purse_.]

_O'Con_. What must I do for this?

_Flint_. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made man.

_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [_Throws away the purse_.]

_Flint_. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.

_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [_Beats them_.]

_All_. Oh! oh!--quarter! quarter!

[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS.]

_Just_. [_Coming forward_.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has!

_Rosy_. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master!

_Rosy_. What a miracle of fidelity!

_Just_. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety.

_Rosy_. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.

_Just_. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [_Exeunt_.]

SCENE II.--_A Garden_.

LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

_Just_. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?

_Lau_. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.

_Just_. Why, hussy----

_Lau_. Well, then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with--and I wish I was run away with--I do--and I wish the lieutenant knew it.

_Just_. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don't be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [_Exit_.]

_Lau_. How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and sings_.]

_O'Con_. Lauretta!

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_.]

_O'Con_. Lauretta! look on me.

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow!

_O'Con_. No recollection!

_Lau_. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.

_O'Con_. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?

_Lau_. Ah! Oh preserve me!

_O'Con_. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise.

_Lau_. Well now, I declare this is charming--you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha!--You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close to me.

_O'Con_. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil----

_Lau_. O pray now, dear Humphrey----

_O'Con_. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to kiss her_.]

_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Laury, my--hey! what the devil's here?

_Lau_. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.

_Just_. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don't let me-- pray don't let me interrupt you!

_Lau_. Lud, papa! Now that's so good-natured--indeed there's no harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.

_Just_. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don't take yourself out of my sight----

_Lau_. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms.

_Just_. Oh! was that all--nothing but a little giddiness, hey!

_O'Con_. That's all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly.

_Just_. Oh, 'twas very kind in you!

_O'Con_. And luckily recovered her.

_Just_. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes--

_Lau_. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!--Oh, help!

_O'Con_. O dear lady, she'll fall! [_Takes her into his arms_.]

_Just_. Zounds! what before my face--why then, thou miracle of impudence!--[_Lays hold of him and discovers him_.]--Mercy on me, who have we here?--Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget!

_O'Con_. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm.

_Just_. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!

_O'Con_. You know my love for your daughter--

_Just_. Fire! Cut-throats!

_O'Con_. And that alone--

_Just_. Treason! Gunpowder!

_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_.

Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.

_Lau_. O papa, you'll kill me!

_Just_. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please.

_O'Con_. Nay, sir, but hear me----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. And you'll be convinced----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. How injurious----

_Just_. I'll shoot--and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. [_Exeunt separately_.]

SCENE III.--_A Walk_.

_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Rosy_. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse--declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her--send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is vanity--now sunshine, now cloudy--we are, as it were, king and beggar--then what avails----

_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

_O'Con_. O doctor! ruined and undone.

_Rosy_. The pride of beauty----

_O'Con_. I am discovered, and----

_Rosy_. The gaudy palace----

_O'Con_. The justice is----

_Rosy_. The pompous wig----

_O'Con_. Is more enraged than ever.

_Rosy_. The gilded cane----

_O'Con_. Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_.]

_Rosy_. Hey!

_O'Con_. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed.

_Rosy_. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world--most deceived when most confident--fools of fortune all.

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground.

_Rosy_. With all my heart--I'll warrant you I'll bear a part in it: but how the deuce were you discovered?

_O'Con_. I'll tell you as we go; there's not a moment to be lost.

_Rosy_. Heaven send we succeed better!--but there's no knowing.

_O'Con_. Very true.

_Rosy_. We may and we may not.

_O'Con_. Right.

_Rosy_. Time must show.

_O'Con_. Certainly.

_Rosy_. We are but blind guessers.

_O'Con_. Nothing more.

_Rosy_. Thick-sighted mortals.

_O'Con_. Remarkably.

_Rosy_. Wandering in error.

_O'Con_. Even so.

_Rosy_. Futurity is dark.

_O'Con_. As a cellar.

_Rosy_. Men are moles.

[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY.]

SCENE IV.--_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS' _House_.

_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden.

_Mrs. Bri_. Pho! nonsense, honesty!--what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name.

_Just_. Psha, you're a fool!

_Mrs. Bri_. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on.

_Just_. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might command a little deference.

_Mrs. Bri_. Don't tell me!--Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you'll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town.

_Just_. Is this language for his majesty's representative? By the statutes, it's high treason and petty treason, both at once!

_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. A letter for your worship.

_Just_. Who brought it?

_Ser_. A soldier.

_Just_. Take it away and burn it.

_Mrs. Bri_. Stay!--Now you're in such a hurry--it is some canting scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.--[_Takes the letter.-- Exit_ SERVANT.] Let me see:--ay, 'tis signed O'Connor.

_Just_. Well, come read it out.

_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_.] _Revenge is sweet_.

_Just_. It begins so, does it? I'm glad of that; I'll let the dog know I'm of his opinion.

_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_.] _And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of poison!_--Mercy on us!

_Just_. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie.

_Mrs. Bri_. Read it yourself.

_Just_. [_Reads_.] _Pleasure to administer a dose of poison_!--Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain!--Bridget!

_Mrs. Bri_. Lovee, stay, here's a postscript.--[_Reads_.] _N.B. 'Tis not in the power of medicine to save you_.

_Just_. Odds my life, Bridget! why don't you call for help? I've lost my voice.--My brain is giddy--I shall burst, and no assistance.-- John!--Laury!--John!

_Mrs. Bri_. You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself.

_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Your worship!

_Just_. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning?

_Ser_. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds.

_Just_. What colour were they?

_Ser_. Blackish, your worship.

_Just_. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!--Why don't you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal?

_Ser_. Now, sir?

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness your will, my life.

_Just_. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers.

_Ser_. Oh, here he is, your worship. [_Exit_.]

_Just_. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be apparent.

_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Rosy_. I have but just called to inform--hey! bless me, what's the matter with your worship?

_Just_. There, he sees it already!--Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, I'm a sure job for the undertakers indeed!

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh! oh! alas, doctor!

_Just_. Peace, Bridget!--Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any change in me?

_Rosy_. Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose?

_Just_. Spots on my nose!

_Rosy_. And that wild stare in your right eye!

_Just_. In my right eye?

_Rosy_. Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled!

_Just_. Swelled!

_Rosy_. Ay, don't you think he is, madam?

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh! 'tis in vain to conceal it!--Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as you were this morning.

_Just_. Yes, I feel it now--I'm poisoned!--Doctor, help me, for the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged.

_Rosy_. What?

_Just_. I'm poisoned, I say!

_Rosy_. Speak out!

_Just_. What! can't you hear me?

_Rosy_. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can't hear a word you say.

_Just_. I'm gone then!--_Hic jacet_, many years one of his majesty's justices!

_Mrs. Bri_. Read, doctor!--Ah, lovee, the will!--Consider, my life, how soon you will be dead.

_Just_. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches.

_Rosy_. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.--Oh, you are gone indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later--high and low--Death's a debt; his mandamus binds all alike--no bail, no demurrer.

_Just_. Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not?

_Rosy_. Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I'll certainly see justice done on your murderer.

_Just_. I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself.

_Rosy_. Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape.

_Mrs. Bri_. Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged against the villain, I can't bear the thought of his escaping the halter.

_Just_. That's very kind in you, my dear; but if it's the same thing to you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.--What, doctor, no assistance!

_Rosy_. Efacks, I can do nothing, but there's the German quack, whom you wanted to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for all poisons.

_Just_. Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I'll get him a diploma if he cures me.

_Rosy_. Well, there's no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. [_Exit_.]

_Mrs. Bri_. What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician.

_Just_. I'm sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind.

_Re-enter_ DOCTOR ROSY, _with_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _disguised_.

_Rosy_. Great luck; met him passing by the door.

_O'Con_. Metto dowsei pulsum.

_Rosy_. He desires me to feel your pulse.

_Just_. Can't he speak English?

_Rosy_. Not a word.

_O'Con_. Palio vivem mortem soonem.

_Rosy_. He says you have not six hours to live.

_Just_. O mercy! does he know my distemper?

_Rosy_. I believe not.

_Just_. Tell him 'tis black arsenic they have given me.

_Rosy_. Geneable illi arsnecca.

_O'Con_. Pisonatus.

_Just_. What does he say?

_Rosy_. He says you are poisoned.

_Just_. We know that; but what will be the effect?

_Rosy_. Quid effectum?

_O'Con_. Diable tutellum.

_Rosy_. He says you'll die presently.

_Just_. Oh, horrible! What, no antidote?

_O'Con_. Curum benakere bono fullum.

_Just_. What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham?

_Rosy_. He says he'll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds.

_Mrs. Bri_. Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!--No, lovee, you shall never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them.

_Just_. I won't die, Bridget--I don't like death.

_Mrs. Bri_. Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over.

_Just_. Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time.

_Mrs. Bri_. O my dear, pray consider the will.

_Enter_ LAURETTA.

_Lau_. O my father, what is this I hear?

_O'Con_. Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam.

_Rosy_. The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter.

_Just_. How so?

_O'Con_. Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani.

_Rosy_. He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward.

_Just_. The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.-- [_Aside_.] And that I am sure he never will.

_Rosy_. Greal.

_O'Con_. Writhum bothum.

_Rosy_. He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous receipt. [_Both sit down to write_.]

_Lau_. Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this.

_Mrs. Bri_. Don't speak to me, girl.--Unnatural parent!

_Just_. There, doctor; there's what he requires.

_Rosy_. And here's your receipt: read it yourself.

_Just_. Hey! what's here? plain English!

_Rosy_. Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I'll answer for it.

_Just_. [_Reads_.] _In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate son-in-law,_ O'CONNOR.--Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are you?

_O'Con_. Your affectionate son-in-law, O'Connor, and your very humble servant, Humphrey Hum.

_Just_. 'Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I'll be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.--I'll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my estate.

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I'm sure he deserves to be hanged.

_Just_. He does, you say!--Hark'ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am resolved never to take your advice again in anything.-- [_To_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, ain't you?

_O'Con_. I am sir, and proud of both.

_Just_. The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what-- renounce your country and sell your commission, and I'll forgive you.

_O'Con_. Hark'ee, Mr. Justice--if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring the second.

_Rosy_. Ay, ay, you're right.

_Just_. Is he? then I'm sure I must be wrong.--Here, sir, I give my daughter to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life.

_O'Con_. Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a compliment.

_Mrs. Bri_. Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives.

_Just_. Why, truly, my dear,--I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that.

_Rosy_. This is all as it should be.--My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [_Exeunt omnes_.]

End of Project Gutenberg's St. Patrick's Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan