Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 33, November 12, 1870

Chapter II: Part 2

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I mite okepy your hul paper tellin all about the war vessels, pattent torpedoes, monitors, and sich, which I saw, but will close with the remark:

That old rats never pile livlier onto roasted cheese, than a bread and butter patriot does onto candidates who has the _cuttin_ of a good _fat loaf_. That's wisdom which will wash.

Ewers,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

_Lait Gustise of the Peece._

* * * * *

SIMILE USED UP.

We regret to state, that in consequence of a late discovery by one BÉCHAMP, of living things in chalk (he has actually seen 'em wriggle!) we are no longer at liberty to say, "As different as Chalk and Cheese." The difference is gone! If it is not, we would ask, where is it?

It is true, chalk is not in so general use, as an article of diet, as cheese, except in boarding-schools; but the difference is plainly one of degree rather than of kind. We have heard of "prepared chalk." It has been whispered that gentle spinsters use it for a beautifyer. We rather incline to the belief that it is prepared for the inside rather than the outside of humanity.

At any rate, the two articles now agree in their most prominent characteristics--which they did not, till M. BÉCHAMP looked into the matter with his microscope.

'Tis thus, alas! our cherished similes are going. One by one are they Bé-champ-ed (or chawed up) by the voracious creatures who hunger and thirst after novelty. Why, we expect to be told, ere long,--and have it proved to us,--that the Moon after all is actually and truly made of Green Cheese. And there will go another fond comparison! Nay, more;--perhaps Cheese itself is but Chalk, in its incipient stages of development,--with the tenantry already secured, however, that make it so lively inside.--_Si sic Omnes_.

* * * * *

To Our Youthful Friends.

We wish to do all in our power to keep the world cheerful. If there is a youth of our acquaintance who despairs of ever raising a fine moustache, we would remind him of that comforting apothegm of the Spanish: "Un cabello haze sombra"--"The least hair makes a shadow." Courage, lad! and do not cast that shadow from thy lip. If there is a single hair already there, it is a manly and noble thing!

* * * * *

"Done Brown."

"TOM BROWN" is not looked upon as a sheepish person, and yet, the English of his name is ewes ('ughes).

* * * * *

"HERE'S A GO!--STRASBOURG IN RUINS--TRADE DESTROYED--O DEAR! DEAR! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR OUR PATTY DEE FOY GRASS NOW!"]

* * * * *

POEMS OF THE CRADLE.

CANTO X.

There was a man in our town, and he was wondrous wise,
He jumped into a bramble bush and scratched out both his eyes;
And when he saw what he had done, with all his might and main,
He jumped into another bush, and scratched them in again.

Some people have a very curious way of doing things. Nowadays when the world has advanced by prodigious strides almost to the limit of civilization, and having no further to go, is debating within itself whether it shall lie down and take a rest, a man don't go to so much trouble to have his eyes out. The age is a fast one, you know; so, when the man feels like having his glims doused, he just jumps into the midst of a crowd of real b'hoys, runs his head, good-naturedly, you know, against a pair of knuckles, and the business is settled with "neatness and despatch," as the job-printers say.

How different our poet's description. He must have been a man of wonderful experience; and foresight, let us add, since from his simple yet wonderfully powerful sketches there is gained an insight into all the mysterious workings of humanity, from the lulling of the babe in the cradle, the ruthless disruption of the apron-string that he is led with, because some naughty little boys laughed at him, to the tolling of the bell by the old sexton over another dead.

Well, there is no use in moralizing. The tale is before us, graphically drawn; and to the reader is left naught but the pleasure of contemplating its beauties. In his pithy way the poet describes a man who, though possessed of some good qualities, evidently did not know how to use them. Though the poet has never yet touched upon politics, yet the careful reader will find that the hero of the sketch must have been a young Democrat, since he is made to appear very nimble, and has a fondness, partial to himself, of getting into rather thorny places. What led him into those dangerous places we have very little chance of knowing. "He was wondrous wise," saith the poet, and forsooth he jumps into a bramble-bush, the last place in the world where a _wise_ man is to be found. But then, perhaps, a tincture of irony flew from our poet's pen; the hero was wise in his own esteem, perhaps; or was wise in the opinion of his friends, whose wisdom seemed to be consummated in doing something ridiculous.

It is very fortunate for the social welfare of community that all its actions should not be sublime. Mankind would become too serious and morose and cynical, and life would be a burden. The ridiculous makes it enjoyable, but at the expense of those who cause the ridicule. Man _must_ laugh, no matter what the cost to the object laughed at.

Ordinary intelligence would have decided the fate of the wise individual who found no other use for his eyes but to scratch them out in a bramble-bush. But our poet dealeth otherwise with his portraits. He shows us the fate of an overwrought, badly instilled wisdom; yet when that wisdom has been deserted by its cause, the promptings of a heart, pure at the core, hold up to contempt the mad teachings of the sophist.

"When he saw what he had done,"

continues the poet, in a sense not entirely literal, for reasons which are not necessary to be explained, this man of wondrous wisdom saw that he had been made a dupe. Cunning as a fox were his would-be friends; but having got him to the bush, there they let him gambol as he would, ensnaring him to his own almost utter ruin.

A new light flashes upon his brain; his folly appears plainly to his mind; he had ruthlessly deserted his fond parents; sought evil counsel; was deserted by his false friends; and was now in a deplorable condition indeed. Remorse sometimes brings repentance; at least it did in this case. Our hero remembered the good teachings of his early youth; and, like the prodigal son, was willing to return to the home of his fathers. True, he was in a bramble-bush; but, _similia similibus curantur_ (which, interpreted, signifies, "You tickle me and I'll tickle you").

"He jumped into another bush,"

found his eyes as they were before his sad catastrophe, and without ceremony returned them to their places, by another operation of scratching.

What more need be said! No circumlocution of words will add to the ending of a tale, but perhaps serve only to conceal the point. The author is careful of his reputation. He restores the hero to his original position, in full possession of his senses.

There let him be;
But O Be good, say we.

* * * * *

AGOSTINO THE GUNSMITH.

Of gun-tricks, old or new, the best that we know
Was that performed by JOSEPH AGOSTINO,
The gunsmith who, by burglars often vext,
A week or two since plotted for the next
By planting cunningly a wide-bored fusil,
With buck-shot loaded half-way to the muzzle,
Right opposite the window to which came
The nightly thief, to ply his little game;
And to the trigger hitching so a string,
That when the burglar bold was entering
The charge went off, and, crashing through the shutter,
Relieved the rascal of his bread and butter
By blowing off his head.

O! AGOSTINO,
Far better than the helmet of MAMBRINO,
Or steel-wrought hauberk, fashioned for defence,
Was this thy dodge; 'twas dexterous, immense!
Your health, GIUSEPPE; and for PUNCHINELLO
Construct to order--there's a jolly fellow--
A _mitrailleuse_, both long enough and large
To kill the burglars, all, at one discharge.

* * * * *

SORTES SHAKSPEARIANAE.

A Picture of the John Real Democracy:--

"What are these,
So withered and so wild in their attire;
That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth,
And yet are on't?"

_Macbeth, Act 1, Sc. 3._

A Portrait of Woodford as a General:--

"That never set a squadron in the field,
Nor the division of a battle knows."

_Othello, Act 1, Sc. 1._

Punchinello to Gov. Seymour:--

"HORATIO, thou art e'en as just a man
As e'er my conversation coped withal."

_Hamlet, Act 3, Sc. 2._

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Nux Vomica._ Can you give me a description of the sellebrated needall gun?

_Answer._ Your spelling is so eccentric that we guess you to be connected with the _Tribune_. As for the "needall" gun, we should define it as a gun without lock, stock, barrel, flint, percussion-cap, powder, ball, or anything else.

_O.D.V._ Yes: a man may die of _delirium tremens_ produced by drinking too much French wine. If the wine should happen to be Château Margot, the verdict of a Coroner's Jury would probably be--"died of a margot on the brain."

_Fumigator._ What is the proper spelling of the smoking mixture known as "Killikinnick"?

_Answer._ Some authorities derive it from a story about an old Canadian having smoked himself to death with it, and spell it "Kill a Kannuck." Others spell it "Kill a Cynic," and believe that DIOGENES, the founder of the Cynical School of philosophy, died of a surfeit of the article.

_Otis Bunker._ Was there not, in old times, a tax on fires in England, and did it not lead to an insurrection?

_Answer._ No tax on fires that we ever heard of. You are thinking, probably, of the Curfew Tolls mentioned by GRAY.

_Simon Succotash._ The expression to "wind a horn" is frequently used. Do people wind one as they would a watch; and, if so, what sort of key do they use?

_Answer._ Try the key of A Flat: _you_ are sure to have it.

_Pump-Handle._ Is it possible for a person to sleep during an earthquake?

_Answer._ Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep soundly upon any kind of shake-down.

_Philander._ What is the best way of testing a horse's temper?

_Answer._ If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to take a fence, just dash him at one and try.

_Gorman Dyzer._ We think it quite proper, as you suppose, to eat sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer your other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with sausages on Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant.

_Caspar Van Keek._ Why is the height of a horse given in hands instead of feet?

_Answer._ Because it is considered handier, of course.

_John of Boston._ I have been blackballed at a club. What am I to do?

_Answer._ Let things alone. Clubs are not always Trumps.

_Margaret Shortcake._--I have a great dread of being buried alive. Will holding a looking-glass to the face of a person supposed to be dead determine whether breathing has ceased or not?

_Answer._ The test is used by physicians. There is an instance on record of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young girl who had been unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at herself in it, which proved that she was wide awake.

_Widow McRue._--How soon after my husband's death would it be proper for me to give up my weeds?

_Answer._ If your husband allowed you to smoke during his life-time, we do not see why you should give up the practice after his death. Although we do not approve of women smoking, yet a fragrant weed between pearly teeth, with an azure cloud curling heavenward from it, has a certain fascination, and so our advice is, "Dry up (your tears), and light a fresh Havana."

_Speculator._--What is the best way to double a $20 bill?

_Answer._ With a paper-folder.

_Frost-on-the-Pane._--From languid circulation, or some other cause, I frequently go to bed with cold feet. How can I remedy this?

_Answer._ Don't go to bed. Sleep in a chair.

* * * * *

POLITICS AS A FINE ART.

First Class in Politics, stand up.

First boy--Define politics as an art.

Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing good clothes at the public expense.

Next--Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included in this art?

No sir, that's a natural gift.

Who invented politics?

It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known to the early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art by T. WEED.

What are the elements of success in politics?

Cheek and stamps.

At what place is this art most cultivated?

At Washington.

How many classes of politicians are there?

Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.

Define them.

Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation. Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time.

Where are they found?

In both the Republican and Democratic schools.

JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House of Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat, whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?

THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany, only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is contested as Republican.

Next boy--Who are the most successful artists among politicians?

Carpet-baggers.

What is the art now called in the South?

Black art.

Why?

Because the leading artists there are of an off color.

JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example?

Yes, sir.

When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 P.M. on the 4th of July?

At 5 minutes after 8 on that day.

THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican be admitted?

At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July.

Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a fine art. The class is dismissed.

* * * * *

BOSTON FIRST.

Even in the matter of earthquakes the proverbial superiority of Boston to all other places, as a centre, has just been proved. A writer in the _Evening Post_, discussing the comparative phenomena of the late earthquake at various points, says:--

"Allowing seven and a half minutes for difference of local time, the shock was two minutes earlier at Boston than at New Haven. This implies that Boston was nearer to the centre of disturbance than New Haven."

Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead not of New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young cataclasm referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it radiated, and therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of earthquakes as everything else. Property has already gone up to a tremendous figure at Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of the place; but the greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" is the admission of the earthquake as a "Boston notion."

* * * * *

From the Seat of War.

What were the Francs-Tireurs before they were organized?

They wear leather gaiters.

* * * * *

Republicans.

It would be dangerous to elect the two leading Republican candidates. They must have monarchical ideas, inasmuch as they both come from Kings.

* * * * *

_Mamma._ "AH YOU CRUEL, CRUEL BOY, HOW COULD YOU FRIGHTEN YOUR DEAR LITTLE SISTER SO?"

_The Incorrigible._ "I--I ONLY WANTED TO SEE IF HER HAIR WOULD TURN WHITE."]

* * * * *

An Advertising Parson.

There is nothing like judicious advertising--at least, we have been told this often enough to believe it. So thinks a Pennsylvania parson, who advertises himself in a newspaper as follows:--

"Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the place to call to have the marriage-knot promptly and strongly tied. Inquire for Rev. S. J. Whitcomb."

--While he was about it, why didn't the Rev. WHITCOMB advertise the other jobs for which orders might be left at the same shop? Why didn't he say: "Funerals attended with neatness and despatch?" or, "Gentlemen about to leave the world, will be waited upon at their own bed-sides without additional charge?" or, "Cases of conscience adjudicated upon the most reasonable terms?" or, "A fine assortment of moral advice just received, and for sale in lots to suit purchasers?" Let the Rev. WHITCOMB take our hint, enlarge the field of his advertising, and make lots of the Mammon of Unrighteousness.

* * * * *

Fulton versus Tilton.

FULTON taps TILTON for wine, TILTON taps FULTON for beer; FULTON gets a _tilt,_ because TILTON finds him full. In case of a trial, the verdict would probably be, that a full FULTON ran _full tilt_ against a full TILTON.

* * * * *

"AURI SACRA FAMES."

I saw a parson at his desk,
Silk-gowned and linen-ruffled;
The organ ceased--he rose to preach,
And smirked, and mouthed, and snuffled;

He talked of gold, and called it dross,
And prophesied confusion
To all who loved it--told them that
Their trust was all delusion.

'Twas filthy lucre, dust and dirt,
The root of every evil;
And its pursuit,--too strongly urged,--
Would lead straight to the Devil.

Midst other wicked (Scripture) rogues,
He talked of ANANIAS,--
He and his wife SAPPHIRA were
The wickedest of liars.

He showed us clearly, from their fate,
The sin of overreaching,
And making small the salaries
Of those who do the preaching.

And when his half-hour's work was done,
The miserable sinners
Rolled home in easy carriages
To Aldermanic dinners;

And as I plodded home on foot,
I thought it was all gammon,
To build a temple to the LORD
Of curses against Mammon.

The sin of gold is its abuse,
And not its mere possession,--
Wine may turn vinegar, and gold
May turn men to transgression.

Then tell the truth, O men of GOD!
Nor scorn the loaves and fishes,
Lest we should take you at your word,
And leave you empty dishes!

* * * * *

CHEERFUL PHILOSOPHY.

We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually received, for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of Mourners,--whose conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to criticism.

It is all well enough--"due to decency," in fact--to wear "mourning," and now and then look grave; but "this idea of closing your house," observed our philosopher, "and silencing your piano, and abstaining from your customary amusements and habits _for months_ [only think of it!], because some one has departed from misery to happiness, is not alone supremely ridiculous [though _that_ is bad enough], but it is sublimely preposterous and [what is yet more] disgraceful to the last degree of shame."

Precisely; just what we have always said, whether we believed it or not. It is what any feeling man _would_ say.

The fact is, people sacrifice too much to their friends. Especially after the friends are dead. "The cream of the joke is," as our lively essayist remarks, "that the dead do not dream of your sufferings on their account."

And suppose they did: what _is_ a friend, any way? Why, something you would do well to rid yourself of as soon as possible. There is scarcely anything mean, sordid, contemptible, and disgusting, that an average friend won't do without winking.

It would certainly contribute greatly to the cheerfulness of one about to leave this "mortial wale," to feel morally certain that nobody cared a rap about him, or was going to make any fuss just for a trifle like that.

We must say, however, we would prefer to see our mourning friends go the whole figure, and not visit the opera in weeds. Be jolly, but also _look_ jolly.

The trouble seems to be, that people _will_ be sentimental; they must do a certain amount of tribulation, "whether or no." We would not even counsel the wearing of black diamonds. We would refrain from jet, bog, and ebony. We would not try to grin through a disguise of skull and bones. Be gay (and by all means _look_ gay) in spite of your departed grandmother.

* * * * *

No Great Shakes.

It's a pity that the earthquake came too late for the census, as it cannot now be included among our native productions.

_British Swell._ "YOU MUST THINK US YOUNG ENGLISHMEN WAWTHER WAPID FELLOWS."

_American Friend._ "WELL--YES--RATHER VAPID."

_B. S._ "I DIDN'T SAY WAPID--I SAID WAPID: WAWTHER FAST, YOU KNOW."]

GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET.

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Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 33, November 12, 1870Chapter II: Part 2

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