Chapter II: Part 2

OUR FINANCIAL ARTICLE.

WALL STREET, August 9th, 1870.

SIR:--It is with feelings of indignation and scorn that I proceed once more to pollute my pen with the chronicles of a mercenary rabble. It _had_ been thought that the remonstrances of the pure and high-minded among your readers would have sufficed to overcome the resolution of an infatuated, but not Criminal Editor. There was a time when the claims of a _Certain Contributor_ were wont to be considered. But the passion for worldly greed has, alas! perverted a too simple nature, and where the Muses once found a congenial resting place, the demon Mammon now sits in GHASTLY TRIUMPH.

I will not here refer to my threat of resignation, nor to the shouts of diabolical laughter with which it was received by the conductor of a Comic Journal, whose name it would not become me to mention. Suffice it to say that those sentiments of loyalty and affection which have ever been my glory, and a keen appreciation of the difficulty of obtaining employment on the Press, have kept me attached to the staff of PUNCHINELLO. The anguish which Finance has cost an artistic soul no one may ever know. The silent tear may fall, but it shall be buried in my bosom. The spectacle of my hidden suffering shall stand as a reproach to one whom I once HONORED and now PITY.

Divesting myself of that part of my nature which is comprised in the good, the beautiful and true, I betook myself yesterday to Wall Street and the Gold Room. At the portals of the Financial Menagerie, a gentleman placed his hand upon my shoulder.

Was I a subscriber?

No, but I was a comic writer.

He said I looked as though I had seen misfortune. If I was not a subscriber, perhaps I had been in the Penitentiary, served out a sentence at Sing Sing, or procured a divorce from my wife?

I had done none of these things.

I was not a member of the Legislature?

No.

A brilliant idea struck him. Perhaps I had been an editor?

I pleaded guilty.

He thought that would do--I might go in.

I went in, and herewith submit to you the result of my investigations.

NINE O'CLOCK.--On opening this morning, a scarcity of money was perceptible in the market. It was especially perceptible in the case of your contributor. (This is _not_ a hint that a week's salary in advance would be acceptable.) Peanuts are much sought after. (They are excellent things to pelt a fellow with.) Apples were inquired after, but upon a rumor that they were unripe, they declined several per cent.

HALF PAST NINE.--The following telegram has just been received here.

"METZ, August 11th.

_"To His Serene Highness, the Prince of Erie, Duke of the Grand Opera House, Admiral of Narragansett, Commander of the Ninth, etc., etc., etc., Erie Palace, New York City._

"ROYAL BROTHER:--Louis has received his baptism of fire. McMAHON wept. He is training to dispute with Miss LOUISA MOORE, the proud title of the 'Champion Weepist.'

"Send me the Ninth, and the flower of _Opera Bouffe_--aye, even the great SCHNEIDER--shall be thine. 'Tis France that calls--be kind. Fraternally thine own,

NAP."

It was at first thought that H.S.H. would accede to the Emperor's request, his recent treaty with the Court of the _Grande Duchesse_ and his diplomatic relations with the Viennoise Ballet Troupe having rendered the event far from improbable. It was also considered that the hostility which he has openly displayed towards the British Erie Protection Committee would predispose him in favor of England's natural enemy. In view of the possible departure of the Ninth, and the consequent prolongation of the European war, gold rose several degrees above freezing point.

TEN O'CLOCK.--The Ninth, don't go to Europe after all. Several members of Company "K" were observed to shed tears of vexation--or joy! Here is Col. FISK'S reply.

"To NAPOLEON, _(not in Berlin.)_"

"EFFETE MONARCH:--Can't spare the b-hoys at any price. They're going into camp down at the 'Branch.' Besides, some of them haven't paid for their uniforms yet. With regards to Eugenie,"

"I am Right Royally Yours,"

JAS. FISK, JR.

"P.S.--If a large diamond, a team of six black and white horses, a Sound steamer, or a copy of the _Tribune_, would be of any use to you, command me. I might also spare you GOULD and some of my relations in case you were very short of men, and had _some very perilous positions_ to fill up. JAMES."

HALF PAST TEN.--Speculators in New York Central and Hudson River securities are much excited over a report that Commodore VANDERBILT had been seen to purchase a watering hose in the store of a well known manufacturer of gardening implements, on Broadway. He wrapped it in brown paper, placed it in his $1000 buggy, and drove away behind Dexter at the rate of 0:01-1/4 per minute. I have it on good authority that there is no truth in the rumor, circulated a few days ago, that the Commodore was engaged in negotiation with the Paid Fire Department for the use of their engines, etc., on some occasion not far distant.

ELEVEN O'CLOCK.--It is now officially announced that the watering hose referred to in my last is intended for gardening purposes only.

HALF PAST ELEVEN.--Great war between Erie and the _Tribune_. _Tribune_ interdicted on Erie Railway and Boston and Long Branch steamers. Desolation of the Hub in consequence. Panic amongst _Tribune_ stockholders.

TWELVE.--FISK says that the _Tribune_ is so _heavy_ that it _must_ far the future be paid for by _weight_, on his steamers. It is felt that this course, if adopted by Mr. GREELEY, would be financially ruinous to the interests of his paper.

HALF PAST TWELVE.--It is stated here that Mr. GREELEY, in the effectual disguise of a bran new hat and respectable boots, succeeded in smuggling a carpet bag filled with _Tribunes_ on board the _Plymouth Rock_. Much anxiety is felt here concerning his fate, in case the Admiral should discover his presence on board.

ONE O'CLOCK.--In a letter just received, Mr. GREELEY designates the above report as "a lie--a lie--false and malicious, and uttered with intent to malign and defame." I publish Mr. G's correction with pleasure.

HALT PAST ONE.--For some days past a steady decline has been noticeable in Government securities; a want of confidence in the Executive is said to be the cause. It is reported that several of our leading financiers have openly indicated their dissatisfaction with the policy of those in power at Washington.

Two O'CLOCK.--The leading financier referred to in my last I find to be JAMES FISK, JR.

HALF PAST TWO.--He indicated his dissatisfaction with the policy of the Government, to the President at Long Branch, thus: Having transferred all the jewels from his left hand to the right, and carefully adjusted them there, he raised the hand in question to his finely cut Roman nose, then, extending his fingers, he twirled them for several minutes without exhibiting any symptoms of fatigue. GRANT is said to have allowed a prime Partaga to drop from between his lips in his surprise.

THREE O'CLOCK.--It is now rumored that Fisk did not apply his fingers in the manner stated.

HALF PAST FOUR.--Market (at Delmonico's) gone frantic over a consignment of _Opera Bouffe_ sent by the Erie Protection Committee as a mark of confidence in the present Erie management. Eries said to be in good voice. Preferred stock will open in about a month with an extensive and carefully selected ballet. _Premiéres Danseuses_ (hic) strong, with extensive sales. Scenery (hic) quiet, (hic.) Appointments active (hic.)

GREENBAGS.

* * * * *

Influence of Association.

Reading on one of the bulletin boards, the other day, the words "War to the Last!" we were irresistibly reminded of the difficulty that lately existed between the native and Chinese Crispins in Massachusetts.

* * * * *

THE WAY TO BECOME GREAT.

Half-witted people, only, will suppose I mean _grate_, for the most obtuse nincompoop must know that anybody can become a grate man by going into the stove business; but to develop yourself into a real _bonâ-fide_ great man, like GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN or DANIEL PRATT, requires much study and a persistent effort. I have carefully thought out this subject, and have reduced my reflections and observations to a series of rules, which, for the benefit of humanity, I propose to make public.

It must he premised that there are many varieties of great men. Daddy LAMBERT was a great man, so was the living skeleton, yet even a casual observer could perceive the difference in their greatness. The greatness of the fleshy world is one thing; the greatness of the no-fleshy world is another. Also, strange as it may seem, a man may be great and yet not be great. HOOD was a great General, so was NAP 3, but they tell me that Nashville and Saarbrucken are terrible commentaries on greatness. Also a man may be great and not know it. They say that, until he had made his grand success at Fort Fisher, you never could persuade BUTLER that he was a great General. TUPPER, I am informed, would never believe that he was the most remarkable poet ever produced by England. Also a man may be great and be perfectly aware of it. Acquaintances of GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, Gen. O'NEILL, and Count JOANNES, assert that no one knows, better than these gentlemen, that they are great men. Also a man may die calmly in the consciousness that he is a distinguished individual, and yet, years afterwards, some magazine writer may cast historic doubts upon his greatness.

Of course there are several classes of great people. There is the little great man, (for example, NAP. 3,) the big great man, (BISMARCK,) the great little man, (NAP. 1,) and the great big man, (the Onondaga giant.) But the patient observer must perceive that general rules will cover all these cases.

It is to be hoped that no one, who shall become great by means of my rules, will turn upon me and revile me, when he finds himself interviewed incessantly, persecuted by unearthings of his early sins, by persistent beggars, by slanders of the envious, by libels of the press, and by the other concomitants of greatness. You must take the sour with the sweet. Even the sweetest orange may have an unpleasant rind.

RULES BY WHICH EVERY MAN CAN BECOME GREAT.

1. Always be sure to get what belongs to you, and make most vigorous grabs for everything that belongs to everybody else.

2. Take everything which is offered to you, if it be on a par with what you deem the standard of your worth.

This rule requires the exercise of much wisdom in its application. If, for example, you look upon the Custom House as the office which is adapted to you, don't, under any circumstances, take the appraiser's position. But you must never let the rule work the other way.

3. Always have a policy. Talk about it much and often, and be sure to call it "my policy."

The best of rules being liable to misconstruction, some Congressmen have acted as if this rule read, "Always have a policy shop."

4. Always have a theory. If a murder has been committed, appear to know all about the "dog," and to be familiar with its history from the time when it was a pup. Be sure to fix suspicion upon some person, even if you are compelled to eat your own words on the following day.

5. Talk much and often about protection, and give advice to farmers, even if you don't know anything about agriculture.

6. Fill your head with classical quotations, and trot them out on all occasions, whether discussing a bill for the diffusion of beans among the Indians, or the Alabama claims.

7. Smoke many costly Havana cigars.

This rule has been lately discovered.

8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own.

There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be useful. If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid. If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; if a great warrior, be first--well, say a tanner. Also, you should pay particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit. An old white hat and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office of Governor.

If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the rules, but in you. What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect. If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though I'm not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it's because you are already great--a great fool.

* * * * *

"THE COLORED TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY."

So far as the Franco-Prussian war has gone, the blackest page of its history appears to be the employment of the Turcos, who are nearly as black as average Nubian "niggers." The expedient of mixing black troops with white was not very successful during our own little war. Raids upon hen-roosts were about the most prominent results of the experiment, though said raids were magnified by the Rads into grand victories over Confeds. The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS'S devoted darkies, that they are certainly entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the NAPOLEON Black Guards.

* * * * *

"THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE."

According to a newspaper paragraph, turtles are growing used to being canned alive, now, on the Pacific Coast. On hearing of this atrocity, the Nine Muses repaired at once to the office of PUNCHINELLO, and here is the result of their visit:

'Tis the voice of the Turtle
That's heard in the land.
Crying, "Bother your care!
I don't want to be canned!

"Pack me whole in a tub,
Nor be stingy of ice,
What I want is a BERGH,
Nothing less will suffice."

* * * * *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Black-eyed Susan_ asks us whether a Pitched battle can take place on land. _Answer._--Certainly not. When we speak of a battle being Pitched we mean that it has been fought by Tars.

_Fogbank._--"Is DANA, of _The Sun_, any relation to "Truthful JAMES," of whom the _Overland Monthy_ has written?" _Answer._--Distantly related, through intermarriage with the LONGBOWS.

_Moses._--We do not suppose that the person referred to by you as a Dyer and Scourer is in any way related to OLIVER DYER, although the latter person scoured Water Street some time since, and very effectually, in pursuit of a "sensation." The word "Scourer," nevertheless, might be an allowable corruption of "Esquire," when applied to any of the proprietors of that mephitic daily, _The Sun_.

_Pickerel._--Will Mr. GREELEY be obliged to dress in court costume if he accepts the mission to the Court of St. JAMES? _Answer._--No. It would be contrary to Mr. GREELEY'S well-known principles to get on "tights."

_Flagroot._--Is it correct to say the "balance" of an army, meaning the rest of it? _Answer._--Not always. When an army has turned the Scale of battle, however, the word Balance may be used.

_Mary Jane._--I have embroidered a flag for the Prussian army, and am at a loss for a motto. How would "Bear and Forbear" do? _Answer._--"Beer and for Beer" would be better.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A ROAR FROM NIAGARA.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--Having been reminded, by your recent notes on Niagara, that there is a cataract of that name, possessed of height and depth and breadth and volume and other well-known characteristics of a genuine Waterfall, I thought I would go and see it for myself. Not that I doubted your statements--which, indeed, are handsomely supported by familiar statistics,--but certainly there is a charm in treading the ground once trod by Greatness, breathing--well not the same air, I hope, but some of the same kind,--viewing the identical scenes, and being swindled by the self-same parties, that had just occasioned your animated comments.

I don't know a charm at all comparable with that of being swindled in the midst of fine scenery, when the funds and enthusiasm still hold out, and the sense of actually getting the worth of one's money is not yet so blunted by transactions calculated to awaken Thought, as to have lost the power of increasing one's felicity. That the intelligent lad who drove me was in league with every one of the parties who were stationed here and there with the sole apparent purpose of receiving fifty cents from visitors, I was loth to believe, though nothing could have been plainer, if one had happened to think of it from the start.

Is it not funny, the way they serve their Congress Water at the Cataract House? They put a big lump of ice in a tumbler, take a bottle from a shelf, pour the warm, stale fluid, (tasting like _perspiration_, as one might fancy,) into this glass, and expect you to wait till it has grown cool enough to be palatable. Well, if you wait, you lose what little life there is left in the stuff; and if you don't, you'll be sorry you hadn't done so.

One may say, "You needn't have ordered any Congress Water." Very well, but why not, provided I liked it? The clerk said they kept Vichy, also, but I learned they were "out." I wish they had been out of Congress too. "All right!" said I, "I shall enjoy my breakfast all the more, for I know _that_ will make amends!" And it did. The "salmon trout" was dry, as usual, but that breakfast was a good thing. I enjoyed it, and my two niggers and my New York paper of day before, (for which I paid a cute looking boy in the hall ten cents, on my way to breakfast,) and was happy.

Not, my dear P., till I reached the "other side," and had been inveigled into the Museum Hotel, and persuaded into those vile wrappings of oil-cloth, with the ponderous rubbers over my thick boots, and had stood around for some time, awaiting the pleasure of the very leisurely guide, sweating at every pore, (or _nearly_ every one, for there are several millions, I believe, and I so hate exaggeration,) and trying to evade the glances of the amused bystanders, did I begin to realize the enormity of the imposition that had been practised on me. Just fancy _yourself_, Mr PUNCHINELLO, in such a costume, taking a seemingly interminable walk in a hot sun, down ever so many steps, encased in those nasty articles of gear, in the company of several other helpless unfortunates, wishing with all your might yon were already there!"

"But the grandeur and glory of the adventure will console me!" I murmured. Grandeur be hanged! A fig for the "glory!" What! do you call this "going under the Falls,"--that renowned journey, so full of peril? Pooh! merely standing in a bath-tub and letting somebody pull the string! You don't get quite so wet; that's all. Where's the "danger," where's the "glory," of merely stepping under a little spirt from one end of the Falls, with plenty of room to stand, and no darkness, no mystery, no nothing. Nothing but an overwhelming sense of being a cussed fool, and a simpleton, and a stupid, _and_ a dunce!

Oh, the going back, after that! in the same loathed costume, inwardly justifying the laughter of the knowing loungers as you ascend among them, and cursing yourself as the chief among ten thousand (ninnies,)--the one altogether idiotic.

Except for this enormous swindle, dear P., I should have enjoyed Niagara, and Niagara would doubtless have enjoyed me. But this preposterous, disgusting, outrageous, ridiculous, contemptible, disgraceful, _unsurpassable_ swindle prevented anything like a mutual understanding. I saw green in the Falls, the Falls saw green in me. The Falls kept coming down; I had already come down, (with my dollars,) and, in fact, was perpetually descending, with sums varying from twenty-five cents to four dollars and a half.

My sole object, friend PUNCHINELLO, in addressing you on this subject, is to beg and beseech that you will warn the too-credulous and too-generous public against this unmatchably atrocious swindle of Going Under the Falls. It is too much for proud Humanity, Mr. P.! It is crushing! It is withering! It is annihilating! What! "Annex" this fraud? Never!--NEVER!

TUPMAN.

* * * * *

THE POSSIBLE "WHY?" OF IT.

The personal feeling against the French Emperor, so often displayed in the columns of the _Tribune_, has frequently been a subject of comment. Nevertheless it is easily accounted for. As Louis NAPOLEON is said to detest _ham_, ever since he was incarcerated in the fortress of that name, so does the Hon. HORACE GREELEY detest _him_, ever since he (H. G.) was arrested in France for some offence, real or imaginary, which we cannot now recall to mind, and thrown into prison at Clichy. And to this, also, may be traced the celebrated _bon mot of_ Mr. GREELEY, who once remarked, on a festive occasion, that "Ham was afflicted with _trichinosis_ when it had Louis NAPOLEON in it."

* * * * *

A HINT FOR EXCURSIONISTS.

On account of the present nauseating condition of New York Bay, owing to the offal nuisance, no prudent voyager should seek to stem its feculent tide unless provided with "something to take." An intelligent correspondent suggests that brandy would be about the thing, but that it should be labelled "Bay Bum."

* * * * *

A Military Opinion.

The "Prussian centre," of which we hear so much just now, ought to be permanently established at Cologne, which place has been, in feet, the Scenter of the world for generations past.

* * * * *

BOOK NOTICE.

LIFE OF CHARLES DICKENS. By E. SHELTON MACKENZIE, LL.D,, Philadelphia: T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS.

In this volume of 484 pages, Dr. MACKENZIE brings before his readers a very full and interesting compilation of facts relating to the career of the great novelist. Besides these, the volume contains a number of characteristic articles from the pen of DICKENS, published, originally, in _All the Year Round_, some of which are of recent date. The book is embellished with a portrait and autograph of DICKENS.

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| ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under |
| immediate supervision of the proprietors. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Tourists and Pleasure Travelers |
| |
| will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has |
| prepared. |
| |
| COMBINATION EXCURSION |
| |
| OR |
| |
| Round Trip Tickets, |
| |
| Valid during the the entire season, and embracing |
| Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake |
| Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake |
| Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and |
| all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the |
| Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced |
| rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit |
| the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that |
| region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., |
| Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 |
| Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 |
| Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and |
| foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long |
| Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal |
| hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as |
| well as all the necessary information. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," |
| "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." |
| |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the |
| world. |
| |
| PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of |
| stamp. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PUNCHINELLO. |
| |
| With a large and varied experience in the management |
| and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, |
| and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample |
| Capital to justify the undertaking, the |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. |
| |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, |
| |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new |
| |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL |
| |
| WEEKLY PAPER, |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO, |
| |
| The first number of which was issued under |
| date of April 2. |
| |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, |
| |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. |
| |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless |
| postage stamps are inclosed. |
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| TERMS: |
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| One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 |
| |
| Single copies .10 |
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| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the |
| receipt of ten cents. |
| |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other |
| magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 |
| |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 |
| |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., |
| |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, |
| P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. |
| |
| The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO |
| BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, |
| |
| Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the |
| year. |
| |
| A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, |
| with superb illustrations of |
| |
| 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, |
| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY |
| |
| 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken |
| as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the |
| same number. |
| |
| Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from |
| this office, free,) Ten Cents. |
| |
| Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo |
| Premium, $4. |
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| Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new |
| serial, which promises to be the best ever written by |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular |
| receipt weekly. |
| |
| We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any |
| one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the |
| receipt of SIXTY CENTS. |
| |
| Address, |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau |
| St., New York |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street.