Chapter I: Front Matter

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 153

NOVEMBER 21, 1917

CHARIVARIA.

More than a million pounds of concealed sugar have been discovered in New York. It is suspected that this was intended as the nucleus of a hoard.

***

A contemporary recently stated that LENIN claims to stand for the leadership of Russia. But surely they do not stand for leadership in Russia. They rush for it with revolvers.

***

"This is a time for action, not for talk," said Colonel HOUSE on his arrival in England. A stinging rejoinder is expected from the FOOD-CONTROLLER'S Department.

***

It is rumoured that the restaurant keepers have agreed among themselves that to avoid confusion the price of all beefsteaks shall be stamped clearly on the sole.

***

The Meat Order will probably be amended to make meat-stalls rank as shops. At present of course they suffer under the stigma of being merely places where you can purchase meat.

***

We understand that, in order to avoid confusion and undue alarm, German prisoners in this country will in future be expected to give twelve hours' notice of their intention to escape.

***

Sugar is to be omitted from a number of medical preparations from December 1st, and children are complaining that the decision has quite spoilt their Christmas prospects.

***

Counsel, in a prosecution for selling a tobacco substitute, has stated that there is nothing in the Act to prevent a man from smoking what he likes. In the trade this is generally regarded as a nasty underhand jab at the British cigar industry.

***

Lord RHONDDA, in announcing his new rationing scheme, differentiates between brain workers and manual workers. It will be interesting to see to which category certain Government officials will be assigned.

***

"The bamboo," according to a weekly paper, "holds the record among plants for rapid growth, having been known to grow two feet in twelve hours." The silence of allotment holders on this subject is significant.

***

Mr. SYDNEY G. GAMBLE, second in command of the London Fire Brigade, is about to retire. There is some talk of arranging a farewell fire.

***

We understand, by the way, that retirement from the London Fire Brigade always carries with it the privilege of wearing the uniform at one's own fires.

***

A theatrical paper advertises for a "Male impersonator" for pantomime. No conscientious objector need apply.

***

A news message to the _Politiken_ states that the people of Iceland are making demands for their own flag or separation. The movement seems to be an isolated one and not likely to spread. Anyhow, there is no cause for alarm at Tooting, where the authorities are not expecting any trouble of this kind.

***

A Cranford dairyman has been selling milk at threepence per quart. In trade circles it is supposed that he is doing it for a wager.

***

According to _The Evening News_, Councillor WILLIAM SHEARRING, the new Mayor of Bermondsey, started life as a van boy. This gave him a pull over most of us, who started life as infants.

***

After December 17th, parcels for neutral countries may not be sent without a permit. Cement and other articles intended for enemy consumption can only be forwarded by special arrangement with the Ministry of Blockade.

***

The average man, says a correspondent of _The Daily Mail_, does not know how to invest five pounds in War Loan. Yet all he has to do is to pay his little fiver across the counter just as if he were buying a pound of tea.

***

The LORD MAYOR'S Coachman has retired after twenty-eight years' service. He was a splendid fellow, taking him all round.

* * * * *

* * * * *

An official memo from the Front:--

"A complaint has been received from the Provost Corps that two
horses, apparently ridden by grooms, committed a civil offence in
----, in that they crashed into a motor car, which at the time was
stationary, damaging same. On being questioned where they came
from, they replied, 'From Australia,' and after paying a few more
like compliments disappeared at the gallop."

It is supposed that these intelligent animals had been reading a recent article by "Patlander."

* * * * *

"The R.F.C. on the same day bombed the junction. There was a large
numtity of rolling stock in the station, on which, and on the
station building, several direct hits were observed to cause
considerable damage."--_The Times_.

"Numtity" is doubtless a dodge of the CENSOR to prevent us knowing too much. We suspect that "quanber" was what the writer really wanted to say.

* * * * *

"Mr. Drucker (for the trustees of the Testator) said the late Lord
Blythswood had made 51 oleograph codicils to his will, and the
difficulty arose over two of them."--_Evening Paper_.

It rather looks as if the two were not genuine oleographs but only colourable imitations.

* * * * *
"American eggs arriving at Manchester yesterday were quoted from
27s. 6d. to 28s. per 120, which caused Irish eggs to be reduced
from sixpence to a shilling."--_Daily Paper_.

Very Irish eggs.

* * * * *

"12 Feet Corsets at a ridiculous price of Re. 1 each, all
sizes."--_Advt. in "Advocate of India."_

"A ridiculous price," says the advertiser, but "an absurd figure" would have been even better.

* * * * *

"The Examiners appointed by the Board of the Faculty of Natural
Science give notice that Wilfrid Dyson Hambly, Jesus College,
having submitted a dissertation on 'Tattooing and other forms of
body-marking among primitive peoples,' will be publicly examined
on Monday, November 12, at 2.30 p.m., in the Department of Social
Anthropology, Barnett House."--_Oxford University Gazette_.

We trust he showed, and obtained, full marks.

* * * * *

TO ATTILA'S UNDERSTUDY.

[Reuter reports that a British prisoner has been sentenced to a
year's imprisonment for calling Germans "Huns."]

The choice was yours, we understood.
We thought that, when you wished to cater
For China's spiritual good,
This name received your imprimatur;
"Go forth," you said, "my sons!
Go and behave exactly like the Huns!"

Though under any other name,
However alien to their nature,
Your people would have smelt the same,
We let you choose their nomenclature,
And studiously respected
The one that in your wisdom you selected.

And now, when someone, clearly set
On flattering you by imitation,
Applies that chosen epithet
To certain units of your nation,
It seems a little odd
That you should go and clap him into quod.

Perhaps you've come to hold the view
That when you claimed to touch their level
You were unfair to heathens who
Candidly called their god a devil;
Who fought some barbarous fights,
But fought at least according to their lights.

So Huns are off. Who takes their place?
Well, since no beast on earth would stick it
If after him we named your race,
We'll call you Germans--there's your ticket;
Just Germans--that's a style
Which can't offend the other vermin's bile.

O. S.

* * * * *

NIGHTMARES.