Chapter I

Transcriber’s Note:

Words and phrases in italics are surrounded by underscores, _like this_. Mid-poem illustrations were moved to follow the related poem. Obvious printing errors, such as missing or partially printed letters and punctuation, were corrected.

PORRIDGE POETRY

PORRIDGE
POETRY

COOKED, ORNAMENTED
AND SERVED
UP BY
HUGH LOFTING

PUBLISHED BY
F. A. STOKES Cᵒ
NEW YORK]

_Copyright, 1924, by_
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY

_All rights reserved_

_Printed in the United States of America_

PORRIDGE POETRY

THE PORRIDGE POET

Dear Children, I would have you know it:
That this is me, the Porridge Poet,
My inspiration’s in the ice-box;
My rhymes I pick out from the spice-box.

My verse is very free and easy,
Its flavour sometimes slightly cheesy;
But that, my friends, is no great crime in
The gentle art of kitchen rhymin’.

I’ve made delicious maccaronics
From peelings off spring philharmonics.
And as for comic songs or ballads,
I turn them out like summer salads.

’Tis to the cook-book that I owe it,
My reputation as a poet.
And if you’ll watch my pot a minute
I’ll show you how I mix things in it.

Now take a pint of vermicelli
And pound it to a nice smooth jelly;
If necessary use a hammer.
Then add a pinch or two of grammar.

Shake in an ounce of sifted syntax
And half a teaspoonful of tin tacks,
Then flavour with eggstravaganza,
And there you have a lovely stanza!

VERA VIRGINIA

Oh, what a popular person I am!
My full name is Vera Virginia Ham.
The barn-dance, the two-step, the sausage-roll trot,
The pig-jig, the hog-jog, I dance the whole lot.

THE LOLLIPOPINJAY

On lollipops I live. I’m gay;
I leap and swirl, I spin and sway.
Come join me in the dance, I pray!
Let’s go!--Slap-bang!--Hip, hip, hooray!

For I’m the lollipopinjay.
I loll by night, I dance all day.
I jump, I crouch and pop away
Skip! Hop!--Tip-top!--Hip, hip, hooray!

LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES

’Twas in the tropic latitudes
That we were talking platitudes,
Just sailor-like chit-chatitudes,
As any ship-mates might.

We forgot to take our longitude
(Which was a grievous wrongitude)
So we didn’t reach Hong-kongitude
Till very late that night.

THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG

“Are you the kind of insect, Sir,
“My mother calls digestible?”
Enquired the little fledgeling of
The Sweet Potato Bug.

“I’m nothing of the kind, my friend.
“My taste is just detestable--
“And so is yours--Such impudence!”
He answered with a shrug.

PICNIC

Ella, fell a
Maple tree.
Hilda, build a
Fire for me.

Teresa, squeeze a
Lemon, so.
Amanda, hand a
Plate to Flo.

Nora, pour a
Cup of tea.
Fancy, Nancy,
What a spree!

SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG

Scally Wag and Golly Wog
Took their bag aboard a log
And started off to cross the ocean blue.
They’re still at sea, I have no doubt,
For all they do is fight about
Which shall be the Captain, which the crew.

THE PALM FAMILY

Nearby an African lagoon
Beneath the silent yellow moon
All safe from worries and alarms
There dwelt a family of palms.

It was a peaceful life they led
Mr. and Mrs. and little Fred;
And when the wind blew soft and low
They’d whisper tales of long ago.

THE FOOD-HYMN OF THE
COOK-GOBLINS

Down where the glow-worms faintly glitter,
Down where the fire-flies gleam and flitter,
Come listen to the sausage twitter,
Sizz and crackle in the pan!
Tripe or truffles, fancy fishes,
It doesn’t matter what your wish is;
None prepare such luscious dishes
As we, the gay Cook-goblins, can.

SCRUBBY CHUBBY

Such a scowling and a growling, howling yowling for a toy,
You grubby, snubby, tubby, chubby, scrubby little boy!

OOM-PAH

Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!
Like roses soon our cheeks will bloom.
We only ask for elbow-room
Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!

MISTER BEERS

This is Mister Beers:
And for forty-seven years
He’s been digging in his garden like a miner.
He isn’t planting seeds
Nor scratching up the weeds,
He’s trying to bore a tunnel down to China.

THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK

And who might this be, should you think?
Why, the pirate of the kitchen sink!
A dish-rag sail, a spoon for oar,
Could any captain wish for more?

Aboard his racing coffee-pot
He roams an ocean steaming hot.
No cup or saucer stays afloat
That dares to bump into his boat.

THE MILLINERY BIRD

A friendly Arctic Puffin asked
The Millinery Bird,
“Aren’t the styles they’re wearing now
“A little bit absurd?”

“Oh well,” sarcastically said
The other with a snigger,
“That will depend, my squatty friend,
“_Entirely_ on your figure.”

MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE

Said Mrs. Pringle to Mr. Parry,
“Tell me why you never marry?”

Said Mr. Parry to Mrs. Pringle,
“Life is so much simpler single.”

WEI HAI WO

A sage there was long, long ago,
A mandarin named Wei Hai Wo,
And at his window all day long
He sat and softly hummed this song
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary daisy me!”

Said young Sin Ching to Wei Hai Wo,
“Please tell me why you sit there so?
I never chance this way to come
But that I always hear you hum,
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary daisy me!”

“Well listen, friend,” said Wei Hai Wo,
“I love to watch the passing show,
“I take things easy, good and bad.
“Why should I rush through life like mad?
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary, daisy me!”

“If others wish to run about
“Then let them. But let me look out.
“I’ve found that peace, my good Sin Ching,
“Is quite the most important thing.
“You see now why I sit and sing,
“How silly, Lily, lackaday!
“Deary, daisy me!”

THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL

Teaching school is not so easy,
Be it big, or be it small,
With a Spring term class made up of
Vegetable scholars all.

Make the turnips turn their toes out.
See the pumpkins punctuate.
Have the parsnips parse correctly.
Let us, Lettuce, start at eight.

Lima Bean’s been most provoking.
Send him to the garden bed.
Artful artichoke, I see you
Beating beet upon the head.

Spinach, spin your tops outside, please.
Take two sevenths from a whole.
Carrot, carry one and add, dear.
Cauliflower, call the roll.

THE WAFFLE-KITE

This is the Waffle-Kite
And oh, what an awful sight
He looks when he digs in the marsh with his beak.
Mud pies it’s fun to make
To set in the sun to bake
When you’ve got the right kind of face, so to speak.

CHRISTMAS DOUGH

For Christmas Day the Christmas dough
Is kneaded high and kneaded low.
Punch it thick and thump it thin,
Flatten it out with a rolling-pin.

In the kitchen’s lots of fun
When Christmas pie and Christmas bun
Are kneaded high and kneaded low
From lovely, squodgy, Christmas dough.

LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE

Hey diddle, diddle,
I’m loose in the middle.
Why can’t I get on with myself?
It’s not my digestion--
That’s out of the question,
’Cause I left it at home on the shelf.

THE BOTTICELLO

In Florence Signor Quaverello
Would play the four-string botticello
Every single Sunday night, ’tis said.

Until his wife upstairs would bellow
“You noisy, good-for-nothing fellow!
“Hello!
“Quaverello!
“Put that thing away and come to bed!”

THE TOFFEE ANALYST

“Oh, I’m the Toffee Analyst
So learned and sophisticky;
I’m making out a candy list,
It’s going to be statisticky.”

UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT

Long ago the Brothers Wright
Were men of odd but great renown,
As different as day and night,
The neighbors called them Up and Down.

Now Up Wright was devout and lean,
Proper, virtuous and prim.
Whenever he felt low or mean
He merely sighed or sang a hymn.

A queerer pair was never made;
For Down Wright, short and thick,
Who always called a spade a spade,
Loved to argue, fight and kick.

Yet through the ups and downs of life
Through thick and thin, through good and ill,
In spite of all their constant strife
The brothers lived together still.

THE LEGEND OF THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL

Once there was a herring gull
Who found the ocean very dull
Said he, “I’m always sea-sick on the silly rolling sea.

“I’ll go ashore and settle down
In some peaceful country town
And wear my carpet-slippers when I drink my china tea.”

JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET

Here’s little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing.
Just look at the hole where he struck it!

CLIPPETY CLOP!

Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!
A pretty pernickety barber’s shop!
Walk up! Walk in and have a shave,
A dry shampoo--a marcel wave,
Your whiskers trimmed in any style.
Come in, sit down and stay a while.
Soon the barber chimpanzees
Will bow and smile and say, “Next please!
“We’re always busy--never stop.
“Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!”

PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE

“Oh won’t you be my Valentine
“This wintertime, sweet Turpentine?”

“How can I be, Petroleum?
“I’m promised to Linoleum.”

THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON

The Milky Way was made for you,
The Honey-Moon for me.
If we could only mix the two
How happy we should be!

With a milk-and-honey honeymoon,
You see, my charming wife,
We’d only need a table-spoon
And we’d be fixed for life.

GIBBERISH

Sing a song of gibberish,
For this is rhyming day;
Hasty pudding, stirabout,
A goulash roundelay.

Sing a junket rigmarole,
A shindig jamboree,
Catalogues or doggerels,
They’re all the same to me.

MRS. VAN DER HOOK

There was a little lady and
her name was Mrs. Van der Hook.
She lived upon the main street of
the town of Amsterdam.
And when the neighbors told her it
was very rude to stand and look,
All she ever answered was,
“Well that’s the way I am.”

THE RAT AND GUITAR

You’ve heard of the Cat and the Fiddle,
Well, I am the Rat and Guitar.
I play by the moon
Such a beautiful toon
The Cat goes on sleeping--Ha! Ha!

BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

Betwixt and Between were two betwins,
Their father’s name was Twoddle.
They’ve been alike as a pair of pins
Since they could scarcely toddle.

THE KITCHEN KALENDAR

Pastry and Bun day
Ought to be Monday.
Then Irish Stews-day
Falls on a Tuesday.

Dine-out-with-friends day,
Let’s make that Wednesday.
Next, Apple-pie day
Should always be Friday.

Sausage-in-batter day,
Put that down Saturday.
But what about Sunday?
Oh, take a rest one day.

THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE

The Household Drudge
Was making fudge
In a great big china basin.
Alas! Alack!
She turned her back
And the poodle dipped his face in!

GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA

Good morning Cornucopia!
Your face looks even soapier
Than when I met you walking yesterday.

I know it, dear Symposium,
My complexion got so rosium
I covered it with lather and I left it there to stay.

GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW

Gimcrack and Gewgaw
Were riding a see-saw
And Gewgaw was up in the air.
There popped up a rabbit,
And Gim ran to grab it.
Said Gew, “Oh, that’s not playing fair!”

LULU GUBRIOUS

Said Auntie Macassar to Miss Lulu Gubrious
“Isn’t the weather just simply salubrious?”
“Why, no,” answered Lulu, “I think it’s monotonous.
“Just think if the rain should have gone and forgotten us!”