Chapter II: Part 2

Perhaps the very Manner of introducing the several Points of Wit and Humour may not be less entertaining and instructing than the Matter it self. In the latter I can pretend to little Merit; because it entirely depends upon Memory and the Happiness of having kept polite Company. But, the Art of contriving, that those Speeches should be introduced naturally, as the most proper Sentiments to be delivered upon so great Variety of Subjects, I take to be a Talent somewhat uncommon, and a Labour that few People could hope to succeed in unless they had a Genius, particularly turned that way, added to a sincere disinterested Love of the Publick.

Although every curious Question, smart Answer, and witty Reply be little known to many People; yet, there is not one single Sentence in the whole Collection, for which I cannot bring most authentick Vouchers, whenever I shall be called; and, even for some Expressions, which to a few nice Ears may perhaps appear somewhat gross, I can produce the Stamp of Authority from Courts, Chocolate-houses, Theatres, Assemblees, Drawing-rooms, Levees, Card-meetings, Balls, and Masquerades, from Persons of both Sexes, and of the highest Titles next to Royal. However, to say the truth, I have been very sparing in my Quotations of such Sentiments that seem to be over free; because, when I began my Collection, such kind of Converse was almost in its Infancy, till it was taken into the Protection of my honoured Patronesses at Court, by whose Countenance and Sanction it hath become a choice Flower in the Nosegay of Wit and Politeness.

Some will perhaps object, that when I bring my Company to Dinner, I mention too great a Variety of Dishes, not always consistent with the Art of Cookery, or proper for the Season of the Year, and Part of the first Course mingled with the second, besides a Failure in Politeness, by introducing Black Pudden to a Lord’s Table, and at a great Entertainment: But, if I had omitted the Black Pudden, I desire to know what would have become of that exquisite Reason given by Miss NOTABLE for not eating it; the World perhaps might have lost it for ever, and I should have been justly answerable for having left it out of my Collection. I therefore cannot but hope, that such Hypercritical Readers will please to consider, my Business was to make so full and compleat a Body of refined Sayings, as compact as I could; only taking care to produce them in the most natural and probable Manner, in order to allure my Readers into the very Substance and Marrow of this most admirable and necessary Art.

I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed to find, that so universal and polite an Entertainment as CARDS, hath hitherto contributed very little to the Enlargement of my Work; I have sate by many hundred Times with the utmost Vigilance, and my Table-Book ready, without being able in eight Hours to gather Matter for one single Phrase in my Book. But this, I think, may be easily accounted for by the Turbulence and Justling of Passions upon the various and surprising Turns, Incidents, Revolutions, and Events of good and evil Fortune, that arrive in the course of a long Evening at Play; the Mind being wholly taken up, and the Consequence of Non-attention so fatal.

Play is supported upon the two great Pillars of Deliberation and Action. The Terms of Art are few, prescribed by Law and Custom; no Time allowed for Digressions or Tryals of Wit. QUADRILLE in particular bears some Resemblance to a State of Nature, which, we are told, is a State of War, wherein every Woman is against every Woman: The Unions short, inconstant, and soon broke; the League made this Minute without knowing the Ally; and dissolved in the next. Thus, at the Game of QUADRILLE, female Brains are always employed in Stratagem, or their Hands in Action. Neither can I find, that our Art hath gained much by the happy Revival of MASQUERADING among us; the whole Dialogue in those Meetings being summed up in one sprightly (I confess, but) single Question, and as sprightly an Answer. DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. And, DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. For this Reason I did not think it proper to give my Readers the Trouble of introducing a Masquerade, meerly for the sake of a single Question, and a single Answer. Especially, when to perform this in a proper manner, I must have brought in a hundred Persons together, of both Sexes, dressed in fantastick Habits for one Minute, and dismiss them the next.

Neither is it reasonable to conceive, that our Science can be much improved by Masquerades; where the Wit of both Sexes is altogether taken up in continuing singular and humoursome Disguises; and their Thoughts entirely employed in bringing Intrigues and Assignations of Gallantry to an happy Conclusion.

The judicious Reader will readily discover, that I make Miss NOTABLE my Heroin, and Mr. THOMAS NEVER-OUT my Hero. I have laboured both their Characters with my utmost Ability. It is into their Mouths that I have put the liveliest Questions, Answers, Repartees, and Rejoynders; because my Design was to propose them both as Patterns for all young Batchelors and single Ladies to copy after. By which I hope very soon to see polite Conversation flourish between both Sexes in a more consummate Degree of Perfection, than these Kingdoms have yet ever known.

I have drawn some Lines of Sir JOHN LINGER’S Character, the _Derbyshire_ Knight, on purpose to place it in Counter-view or Contrast with that of the other Company; wherein I can assure the Reader, that I intended not the least Reflexion upon _Derbyshire_, the Place of my Nativity. But, my Intention was only to shew the Misfortune of those Persons, who have the Disadvantage to be bred out of the Circle of Politeness; whereof I take the present Limits to extend no further than _London_, and ten Miles round; although others are please to compute it within the Bills of Mortality. If you compare the Discourses of my Gentlemen and Ladies with those of Sir JOHN, you will hardly conceive him to have been bred in the same Climate, or under the same Laws, Language, Religion, or Government: And, accordingly, I have introduced him speaking in his own rude Dialect, for no other Reason than to teach my Scholars how to avoid it.

The curious Reader will observe, that when Conversation appears in danger to flag, which, in some Places, I have artfully contrived, I took care to invent some sudden Question, or Turn of Wit, to revive it; such as these that follow. _What? I think here’s a silent Meeting!_ _Come, Madam, A Penny for your Thought_; with several other of the like sort. I have rejected all provincial or country Turns of Wit and Fancy, because I am acquainted with a very few; but, indeed, chiefly because I found them so very much inferior to those at Court, especially among the Gentlemen-Ushers, the Ladies of the Bed-Chamber, and the Maids of Honour; I must also add, the hither End of our noble Metropolis.

When this happy Art of polite Conversing shall be thoroughly improved, good Company will be no longer pestered with dull, dry, tedious Story-tellers, nor brangling Disputers: For, a right Scholar, of either Sex, in our Science, will perpetually interrupt them with some sudden surprising Piece of Wit, that shall engage all the Company in a loud Laugh; and, if after a Pause, the grave Companion resumes his Thread in the following Manner; _Well, but to go on with my Story_; new Interruptions come from the Left to the Right, till he is forced to give over.

I have made some few Essays toward _Selling of_ BARGAINS, as well for instructing those, who delight in that Accomplishment, as in compliance with my Female Friends at Court. However, I have transgressed a little in this Point, by doing it in a manner somewhat more reserved than as it is now practiced at St. _James_’s. At the same time, I can hardly allow this Accomplishment to pass properly for a Branch of that perfect polite Conversation, which makes the constituent Subject of my Treatise; and, for which I have already given my Reasons. I have likewise, for further Caution, left a Blank in the critical Point of each _Bargain_, which the sagacious Reader may fill up in his own Mind.

As to my self, I am proud to own, that except some Smattering in the _French_, I am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a Man wholly illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. But, as to my own Language, I shall not readily yield to many Persons: I have read most of the Plays, and all the miscellany Poems that have been published for twenty Years past. I have read Mr. _Thomas Brown_’s Works entire, and had the Honour to be his intimate Friend, who was universally allowed to be the greatest Genius of his Age.

Upon what Foot I stand with the present chief reigning Wits, their Verses recommendatory, which they have commended me to prefix before my Book, will be more than a thousand Witnesses: I am, and have been, likewise, particularly acquainted with Mr. CHARLES GILDON, Mr. WARD, Mr. DENNIS, that admirable Critick and Poet, and several others. Each of these eminent Persons (I mean, those who are still alive) have done me the Honour to read this Production five Times over with the strictest Eye of friendly Severity, and proposed some, although very few, Amendments, which I gratefully accepted, and do here publickly return my Acknowledgment for so singular a Favour.

And here, I cannot conceal, without Ingratitude, the great Assistance I have received from those two illustrious Writers, Mr. OZEL, and Captain STEVENS. These, and some others, of distinguished Eminence, in whose Company I have passed so many agreeable Hours, as they have been the great Refiners of our Language; so, it hath been my chief Ambition to imitate them. Let the POPES, the GAYS, the ARBUTHNOTS, the YOUNGS, and the rest of that snarling Brood burst with Envy at the Praises we receive from the Court and Kingdom.

But to return from this Digression.

The Reader will find that the following Collection of polite Expressions will easily incorporate with all Subjects of genteel and fashionable Life. Those, which are proper for Morning-Tea, will be equally useful at the same Entertainment in the Afternoon, even in the same Company, only by shifting the several Questions, Answers, and Replies, into different Hands; and such as are adapted to Meals will indifferently serve for Dinners or Suppers, only distinguishing between Day-light and Candle-light. By this Method no diligent Person, of a tolerable Memory, can ever be at a loss.

It hath been my constant Opinion, that every Man, who is intrusted by Nature with any useful Talent of the Mind, is bound by all the Ties of Honour, and that Justice which we all owe our Country, to propose to himself some one illustrious Action, to be performed in his Life for the publick Emolument. And, I freely confess, that so grand, so important an Enterprize as I have undertaken, and executed to the best of my Power, well deserved a much abler Hand, as well as a liberal Encouragement from the Crown. However, I am bound so far to acquit my self, as to declare, that I have often and most earnestly intreated several of my above-named Friends, universally allowed to be of the first Rank in Wit and Politeness, that they would undertake a Work, so honourable to themselves, and so beneficial to the Kingdom; but so great was their Modesty, that they all thought fit to excuse themselves, and impose the Task on me; yet in so obliging a Manner, and attended with such Compliments on my poor Qualifications, that I dare not repeat. And, at last, their Intreaties, or rather their Commands, added to that inviolable Love I bear to the Land of my Nativity, prevailed upon me to engage in so bold an Attempt.

I may venture to affirm, without the least Violation of Modesty, that there is no Man, now alive, who hath, by many Degrees, so just Pretensions as my self, to the highest Encouragement from the CROWN, the PARLIAMENT, and the MINISTRY, towards bringing this Work to its due Perfection. I have been assured, that several great Heroes of antiquity were worshipped as Gods, upon the Merit of having civilized a fierce and barbarous People. It is manifest, I could have no other Intentions; and, I dare appeal to my very Enemies, if such a Treatise as mine had been published some Years ago, and with as much Success as I am confident this will meet, I mean, by turning the Thoughts of the whole Nobility and Gentry to the Study and Practice of polite Conversation; whether such mean stupid Writers, as the CRAFTSMAN and his Abettors, could have been able to corrupt the Principles of so many hundred thousand Subjects, as, to the Shame and Grief of every whiggish, loyal, and true Protestant Heart, it is too manifest, they have done. For, I desire the honest judicious Reader to make one Remark, that after having exhausted the Whole[2] _In sickly payday_ (if I may so call it) of Politeness and Refinement, and faithfully digested it in the following Dialogues, there cannot be found one Expression relating to Politicks; that the MINISTRY is never mentioned, nor the Word KING, above twice or thrice, and then only to the Honour of Majesty; so very cautious were our wiser Ancestors in forming Rules for Conversation, as never to give Offence to Crowned Heads, nor interfere with Party Disputes in the State. And indeed, although there seem to be a close Resemblance between the two Words _Politeness_ and _Politicks_, yet no Ideas are more inconsistent in their Natures. However, to avoid all Appearance of Disaffection, I have taken care to enforce Loyalty by an invincible Argument, drawn from the very Fountain of this noble Science, in the following short Terms, that ought to be writ in Gold, MUST IS FOR THE KING; which uncontroulable Maxim I took particular Care of introducing in the first Page of my Book; thereby to instil early the best Protestant Loyal Notions into the Minds of my Readers. Neither is it meerly my own private Opinion, that Politeness is the firmest Foundation upon which Loyalty can be supported: For, thus happily sings the Divine Mr. _Tibbalds_, or _Theobalds_, in one of his Birth-Day Poems.

“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:
Therefore be sure I am no _Jacobite_.”

Hear likewise, to the same purpose, that great Master of the whole Poetick Choir, our most illustrious Laureat Mr. COLLY CIBBER.

“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,
Will never loyal be to GEORGE _our King_.”

I could produce many more shining Passages out of our principal Poets, of both Sexes, to confirm this momentous Truth. From whence, I think, it may be fairly concluded, that whoever can most contribute towards propagating the Science contained in the following Sheets, through the Kingdoms of _Great-Britain_ and _Ireland_, may justly demand all the Favour, that the wisest Court, and most judicious Senate, are able to confer on the most deserving Subject. I leave the Application to my Readers.

This is the Work, which I have been so hardy to attempt, and without the least mercenary View. Neither do I doubt of succeeding to my full Wish, except among the TORIES and their Abettors; who being all _Jacobites_, and, consequently _Papists_ in their Hearts, from a Want of true Taste, or by strong Affectation, may perhaps resolve not to read my Book; chusing rather to deny themselves the Pleasure and Honour of shining in polite Company among the principal Genius’s of both Sexes throughout the Kingdom, than adorn their Minds with this noble Art; and probably apprehending (as, I confess nothing is more likely to happen) that a true Spirit of Loyalty to the Protestant Succession should steal in along with it.

If my favourable and gentle Readers could possibly conceive the perpetual Watchings, the numberless Toils, the frequent Risings in the Night, to set down several ingenious Sentences, that I suddenly or accidentally recollected; and which, without my utmost Vigilance, had been irrecoverably lost for ever: If they would consider with what incredible Diligence I daily and nightly attended at those Houses, where Persons of both Sexes, and of the most distinguished Merit, used to meet and display their Talents; with what Attention I listened to all their Discourses, the better to retain them in my Memory; and then, at proper Seasons, withdrew unobserved, to enter them in my Table-Book, while the Company little suspected what a noble Work I had then in Embryo: I say, if all these were known to the World, I think, it would be no great Presumption in me to expect, at a proper Juncture, the publick Thanks of both Houses of Parliament, for the Service and Honour I have done to the whole Nation by my single Pen.

Although I have never been once charged with the least Tincture of Vanity, the Reader will, I hope, give me leave to put an easy Question: What is become of all the King of _Sweden_’s Victories? Where are the Fruits of them at this Day? or, of what Benefit will they be to Posterity? were not many of his greatest Actions owing, at least in part, to Fortune? were not all of them owing to the Valour of his Troops, as much as to his own Conduct? could he have conquered the _Polish_ King, or the _Czar_ of _Muscovy_, with his single Arm? Far be it from me to envy or lessen the Fame he hath acquired; but, at the same time, I will venture to say, without Breach of Modesty, that I, who have alone with this Right-hand subdued Barbarism, Rudeness, and Rusticity, who have established and fixed for ever the whole System of all true Politeness and Refinement in Conversation, should think my self most inhumanely treated by my Country-men, and would accordingly resent it as the highest Indignity, to be put upon the level, in point of Fame, in After-ages, with CHARLES the Twelfth, late King of _Sweden_.

And yet, so incurable is the Love of Detraction, perhaps beyond what the charitable Reader will easily believe, that I have been assured by more than one credible Person, how some of my Enemies have industriously whispered about, that one ISAAC NEWTON, an Instrument-maker, formerly living near _Leicester-Fields_, and afterwards a Workman at the Mint in the _Tower_, might possibly pretend to vye with me for Fame in future times. The Man it seems was knighted for making Sun-Dials better than others of his Trade, and was thought to be a Conjurer, because he knew how to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, which no body could understand. But, adieu to all noble Attempts for endless Renown, if the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick shall be raised up to enter into competition with me, only for his Skill in making Pot-hooks and Hangers with a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished Gentlemen and Ladies can perform as well with a Pen and Ink upon a Piece of Paper, and, in a manner, as little intelligible as those of Sir ISAAC.

My most ingenious Friend already mentioned, Mr. COLLY CIBBER, who does too much Honour to the Laurel Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath often done to many Imperial Diadems placed on his Head) was pleased to tell me, that, if my Treatise were formed into a Comedy, the Representation, performed to Advantage on our Theatre might very much contribute to the Spreading of polite Conversation among all Persons of Distinction through the whole Kingdom.

I own, the Thought was ingenious, and my Friend’s Intention good. But, I cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr. CIBBER himself allowed, that the Subjects handled in my Work, being so numerous and extensive, it would be absolutely impossible for one, two, or even six Comedies to contain them. From whence it will follow, that many admirable and essential Rules for polite Conversation must be omitted.

And here let me do justice to my Friend Mr. TIBALDS, who plainly confessed before Mr. CIBBER himself, that such a Project, as it would be a great Diminution to my Honour, so it would intolerably mangle my Scheme, and thereby destroy the principal End at which I aimed, to form a compleat Body or System of this most useful Science in all its Parts. And therefore Mr. TIBBALDS, whose Judgment was never disputed, chose rather to fall in with my Proposal mentioned before, of erecting publick Schools and Seminaries all over the Kingdom, to instruct the young People of both Sexes in this Art, according to my Rules, and in the Method that I have laid down.

I shall conclude this long, but necessary Introduction, with a Request, or indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand from all Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and improving each other with those polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, Replies, and Rejoinders, which I have with infinite Labour, and close Application, during the Space of thirty-six Years, been collecting for their Service and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance of Gratitude, on every proper Occasion, quote my Name, after this or the like manner. _Madam, as our Master_ WAGSTAFF _says_. _My Lord, as our Friend_ WAGSTAFF _has it_. I do likewise expect, that all my Pupils shall drink my Health every Day at Dinner and Supper during my Life; and that they, or their Posterity, shall continue the same Ceremony to my _not inglorious Memory_, after my Decease, for ever.

[2] This Word is spelt by _Latinists_, _Encyclopædia_; but the judicious Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.

POLITE CONVERSATION.

IN THREE DIALOGUES.

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

The MEN.

_Lord_ SPARKISH,
_Lord_ SMART,
_Sir_ JOHN LINGER,
_Mr._ NEVEROUT,
_Colonel_ ATWIT.

The LADIES.

_Lady_ SMART,
_Miss_ NOTABLE,
_Lady_ ANSWERALL.

POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.

ST. JAMES’S PARK.

_Lord_ Sparkish _meeting Col._ Atwit.

_Col._ Well met, my Lord.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Thank ye, Colonel. A Parson would have said, I hope we shall meet in Heaven. When did you see _Tom Neverout_?

_Col._ He’s just coming towards us. Talk of the Devil——

[Neverout _comes up_.

_Col._ How do you do, _Tom_?

_Neverout._ Never the better for you.

_Col._ I hope, you’re never the worse. But where’s your Manners? Don’t you see my Lord _Sparkish_?

_Neverout._ My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s Pardon.

_Ld. Sparkish._ _Tom_, how is it, that you can’t see the Wood for Trees? What Wind blew you hither?

_Neverout._ Why, my Lord, it is an ill Wind blows nobody good; for it gives me the Honour of seeing your Lordship.

_Col._ _Tom_, you must go with us to Lady _Smart_’s to Breakfast.

_Neverout._ Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s for the King.

[_Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword._

_Col._ Have you spoke with all your Friends?

_Neverout._ Colonel, as you’re stout, be merciful.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, agree, agree; the Law’s costly.

[_Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt._

_Col._ Well, _Tom_, you are never the worse Man to be afraid of me. Come along.

_Neverout._ What, do you think, I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an Owl?

I’ll wait on you. I hope Miss _Notable_ will be there; egad she’s very handsome, and has Wit at Will.

_Col._ Why every one as they like; as the good Woman said, when she kiss’d her Cow.

[_Lord_ Smart’_s House; they knock at the Door; the_ Porter
_comes out_.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, are you the Porter?

_Porter._ Yes, for Want of a better.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Is your Lady at Home?

_Porter._ She was at Home just now; but she’s not gone out yet.

_Neverout._ I warrant, this Rogue’s Tongue is well hung.

[_Lady_ Smart’_s Antichamber_.

_Lady_ Smart _and Lady_ Answerall _at the Tea-table_.

_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship’s most humble Servant.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, you spoke too late; I was your Ladyship’s before.

_Lady Smart._ Oh! Colonel, are you here!

_Col._ As sure as you’re there, Madam.

_Lady Smart._ Oh, Mr. _Neverout_! what, such a Man alive!

_Neverout._ Ay, Madam; alive, and alive like to be, at your Ladyship’s Service.

_Lady Smart._ Well: I’ll get a Knife, and nick it down, that Mr. _Neverout_ came to our House. And pray, What News Mr. _Neverout_?

_Neverout._ Why, Madam, Queen _Elizabeth_’s dead.

_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, I see you are no Changeling.

[_Miss_ Notable _comes in_.

_Neverout._ Miss, your Slave: I hope your early Rising will do you no Harm. I hear you are but just come out of the Cloth-Market.

_Miss._ I always rise at Eleven, whether it be Day or no.

_Col._ Miss, I hope you are up for all Day?

_Miss._ Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before Night.

_Col._ Miss, I heard you were out of Order; pray, how are you now?

_Miss._ Pretty well, Colonel, I thank you.

_Col._ Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two very good things.

_Miss._ I mean, I am better than I was.

_Neverout._ Why then, ’tis well you were sick.

_Miss._ What, Mr. _Neverout_; you take me up, before I’m down.

_Lady Smart._ Come, let us leave off Children’s Play, and come to Push-pin.

_Miss_ [_to Lady Smart._] Pray, Madam, give me some more Sugar to my Tea.

_Col._ Oh! Miss, you must needs be very good-humour’d, you love sweet things so much.

_Neverout._ Stir it up with the Spoon, Miss; for the deeper the sweeter.

_Lady Smart._ I assure you, Miss, the Colonel has made you a great Compliment.

_Miss._ I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, that complimenting is lying.

_Lady Smart_ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] My Lord, methinks the Sight of you is good for sore Eyes; if we had known of your Coming, we would have strown Rushes for you: How has your Lordship done this long time?

_Col._ Faith, Madam, he’s better in Health, than in good Conditions.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; I see there’s no worse Friend than one brings from Home with one; and I am not the first Man has carry’d a Rod to whip himself.

_Neverout._ Here’s Miss, has not a Word to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny for your Thoughts.

_Miss._ It is not worth a Farthing; for I was thinking of you.

[_Col._——_rising up._——

_Lady Smart._ Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch Fire.

_Col._ Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour.

_Miss._ Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home.

_Lady Answerall._ Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as standing.

_Col._ No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going.

_Miss._ Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold him.

_Lady Smart._ I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean only as to myself.

_Col._ Madam, I am all Obedience.

[_Col. sits down._

_Lady Smart._ Lord, Miss, how can you drink your Tea so hot? Sure your Mouth’s pav’d.

How do you like this Tea, Colonel?

_Col._ Well enough, Madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish.

_Lady Smart._ Oh, Colonel! I understand you. _Betty_, bring the Canister: I have but very little of this Tea left; but I don’t love to make two Wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. He, he, he, he.

[_Laughs._

_Lady Answ._ [_to the Maid._] Why, sure, _Betty_, you are bewitch’d; the Cream is burnt to.

_Betty._ Why, Madam, the Bishop has set his Foot in it.

_Lady Smart._ Go, you Girl, and warm some fresh Cream.

_Betty._ Indeed, Madam, there’s none left; for the Cat has eaten it all.

_Lady Smart._ I doubt, it was a Cat with Two Legs.

_Miss._ Colonel, Don’t you love Bread and Butter with your Tea?

_Col._ Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they say, Butter is Gold in a Morning, Silver at Noon, but it is Lead at Night.

_Neverout._ Miss, the Weather is so hot, that my Butter melts on my Bread.

_Lady Answ._ Why, Butter, I’ve heard ’em say, is mad twice a Year.

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to the Maid._] Mrs. _Betty_, how does your Body Politick?

_Col._ Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs. _Betty_ blush.

_Lady Smart._ Blush! ay, blush like a blue Dog.

_Neverout._ Pray, Mrs. _Betty_, Are not you _Tom Johnson_’s Daughter?

_Betty._ So my Mother tells me, Sir.

_Ld. Sparkish._ But, Mrs. _Betty_, I hear you are in Love.

_Betty._ My Lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in Charity with all the World.

_Lady Smart._ Why, Wench, I think, thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this Morning: How came you by that Scratch on your Nose? Have you been fighting with the Cats?

_Col._ [_to Miss._] Miss, When will you be married?

_Miss._ One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, Colonel.

_Neverout._ Yes; they say, the Match is half made, the Spark is willing, but Miss is not.

_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman has got his own Consent for it.

_Lady Answ._ Pray, My Lord, did you walk through the Park in this Rain?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes, Madam; we were neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not afraid the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [_Laugh._

_Col._ It rain’d, and the Sun shone at the same time.

_Neverout._ Why, then the Devil was beating his Wife behind the Door, with a Shoulder of Mutton. [——_Laugh._——

_Col._ A blind Man would be glad to see that.

_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, methinks you stand in your own Light.

_Neverout._ Ah! Madam, I have done so all my Life.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I’m sure he sits in mine: Prythee, _Tom_, sit a little farther: I believe your Father was no Glasier.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, dear Girl, fill me out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very lazy.

[_Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it._

_Lady Smart._ What, Miss, Will you be my Taster?

_Miss._ No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis an ill Cook, that can’t lick her own Fingers.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, fill me another.

_Miss._ Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?

_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, they say, you went to Court last Night very drunk: Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been among _Philistines_: No Wonder the Cat wink’d, when both her Eyes were out.

_Col._ Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye.

_Lady Answ._ ’Tis better I should lye, than you should lose your good Manners: Besides, I don’t lie; I sit.

_Neverout._ O faith, Colonel, you must own you had a Drop in your Eye: When I left you, you were half Seas over.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I fear, Lady _Answerall_ can’t live long, she has so much Wit.

_Neverout._ No; she can’t live, that’s certain; but she may linger Thirty or Forty Years.

_Miss._ Live long; ay, longer than a Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing.

_Lady Answ._ Oh! Miss, you must give your Vardi too!

_Ld. Sparkish._ Miss, Shall I fill you another Dish of Tea?

_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I have drank enough.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, it will do you more good than a Month’s Fasting; here, take it.

_Miss._ No, I thank your Lordship; enough’s as good as a Feast.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; but if you always say No, you’ll never be married.

_Lady Answ._ Do, my Lord, give her a Dish; for, they say, Maids will say No, and take it.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; and I dare say, Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word, and Deed.

_Neverout._ I would not take my Oath of that.

_Miss._ Pray, Sir, speak for yourself.

_Lady Smart._ Fie, Miss; they say, Maids should be seen, and not heard.

_Lady Answ._ Good Miss, stir the Fire, that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, Miss, you’ll have a chearful Husband.

_Miss._ Indeed, your Ladyship could have stirr’d it much better.

_Lady Answ._ I know that very well, Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and bark myself.

_Neverout._ What! you are sick, Miss.

_Miss._ Not at all; for her Ladyship meant you.

_Neverout._ Oh! faith, Miss, you are in Lob’s-pound; get out as you can.

_Miss._ I won’t quarrel with my Bread and Butter for all that: I know when I’m well.

_Lady Answ._ Well; but Miss——

_Neverout._ Ah! dear Madam, let the Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss; don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat.

_Miss._ Indeed, Mr. _Neverout_, you should be cut for the Simples this Morning: Say a Word more, and you had as good eat your Nails.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a Song?

_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for I have a great Cold.

_Col._ Oh! Miss, they say, all good Singers have Colds.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, does not Miss sing very well?

_Lady Answ._ She sings, as one may _say_, my Lord.

_Miss._ I hear, Mr. _Neverout_ has a very good Voice.

_Col._ Yes; _Tom_ sings well; but his Luck’s naught.

_Neverout._ Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself a devilish Box on the Ear.

_Col._ Miss, Will you take a Pinch of Snuff?

_Miss._ No, Colonel; you must know, I never take Snuff, but when I’m angry.

_Lady Answ._ Yes, yes, she can take Snuff; but she has never a Box to put it in.

_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, let me see that Box.

_Col._ Madam, there’s never a C upon it.

_Miss._ May be there is, Colonel.

_Col._ Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, Miss.

_Neverout._ Colonel, why so hard upon poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit against a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll beat him.

_Miss._ So she pray’d me to tell you.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, my Lady _Smart_, What Kin are you to Lord _Pozz_?

_Lady Smart._ Why, his Grandmother and mine had Four Elbows.

_Lady Answ._ Well, methinks here is a silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for you.

[—_Miss starts_—

_Miss._ Lord, Madam, you frighten me out of my Seven Senses!

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I must be going.

_Lady Answ._ I have seen hastier People than you stay all Night.

_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] _Tom Neverout_ and I are to leap To-morrow for a Guinea.

_Miss._ I believe, Colonel, Mr. _Neverout_ can leap at a Crust better than you.

_Neverout._ Miss, your Tongue runs before your Wit; nothing can tame you but a Husband.

_Miss._ Peace! I think I hear the Church Clock.

_Neverout._ Why you know, as the Fool thinks——

_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, your Handkerchief’s fallen.

_Miss._ Let him set his Foot on it, that it mayn’t fly in his Face.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss——

_Miss._ Ay, ay; many a one says well, that thinks ill.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; I’ll think of this.

_Miss._ That’s Rhime, if you take it in Time.

_Neverout._ What! I see you are a Poet.

_Miss._ Yes; if I had but the Wit to show it.

_Neverout._ Miss, Will you be so kind as to fill me a Dish of Tea?

_Miss._ Pray, let your Betters be serv’d before you; I am just going to fill one for myself; and, you know, the Parson always christens his own Child first.

_Neverout._ But I saw you fill one just now for the Colonel: Well, I find kissing goes by Favour.

_Miss._ But pray, Mr. _Neverout_, What Lady was that you were talking with in the Side-Box last _Tuesday_?

_Neverout._ Miss, can you keep a Secret?

_Miss._ Yes, I can.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; and so can I.

_Col._ Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb with this cursed Knife!

_Lady Answ._ Ay; that was your Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d you not to cut your Fingers.

_Lady Smart._ No, no;’tis only Fools cut their Fingers; but wise Folks cut their Thumbs.——

_Miss._ I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry.

_Col._ Don’t you think Miss is grown?

_Lady Answ._ Ay; ill Weeds grow apace.

[——_A Puff of Smoke comes down the Chimney._——

_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, Does your Ladyship’s Chimney smoke?

_Col._ No, Madam; but they say, Smoke always pursues the Fair, and your Ladyship sat nearest.

_Lady Smart._ Madam, Do you love Bohea Tea?

_Lady Answ._ Why, Madam, I must confess I do love it; but it does not love me.

_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] Indeed, Madam, your Ladyship is very sparing of your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was no more than Water bewitch’d.

_Col._ Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, What Lover gave you that fine Etuy?

_Miss._ Don’t you know? then keep Counsel.

_Lady Answ._ I’ll tell you, Colonel, who gave it her; it was the best Lover she will ever have while she lives; her own dear Papa.

_Neverout._ Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon.

_Miss._ Why then, Mr. _Neverout_, do you see, if you don’t much like it, you may look off of it.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that Sir _John Brisk_ has got an Employment at Court.

_Lady Smart._ Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool now.

_Neverout._ Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise.

_Lady Answ._ Do you know him, Mr. _Neverout_?

_Neverout._ Know him! ay, as well as the Beggar knows his Dish.

_Col._ Well; I can only say, that he has better Luck than honester Folks: But pray, How came he to get this Employment?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil.

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter? Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing.

_Miss._ I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words.

_Neverout._ Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings.

_Miss._ Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would not have one be always on the high Grin.

_Neverout._ Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; no Offence, I hope.

[——_Lady_ Smart _breaks a Tea-cup_.——

_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, How came you to break your Cup?

_Lady Smart._ I can’t help it, if I would cry my Eyes out.

_Miss._ Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a new one with some of the Money.

_Col._ ’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt Milk.

_Lady Smart._ Why, if Things did not break or wear out, how would Tradesmen live?

_Miss._ Well; I am very sick, if any body car’d for it.

_Neverout._ Come, then, Miss, e’en make a Die of it, and then we shall have a Burying of our own.

_Miss._ The Devil take you, _Neverout_, besides all small Curses.

_Lady Answ._ Marry, come up, What, plain _Neverout_! methinks you might have an M under your Girdle, Miss.

_Lady Smart._ Well, well, naught’s never in Danger; I warrant, Miss will spit in her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this Bisket?

_Col._ I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that’s good.

_Lady Smart._ Well, and isn’t it pure good?

_Col._ ’Tis better than a worse.

[——_Footman brings the Colonel a Letter._——

_Lady Answ._ I suppose, Colonel, that’s a Billet-doux from your Mistress.

_Col._ Egad, I don’t know whence it comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a Hand like a Foot.

_Miss._ Well, you may make a Secret of it, but we can spell, and put together.

_Neverout._ Miss, What spells B double Uzzard?

_Miss._ Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr. _Neverout_.

_Lady Smart._ Now you are up, Mr. _Neverout_, Will you do me the Favour, to do me the Kindness, to take off the Tea-kettle?

_Ld. Sparkish._ I wonder what makes these Bells ring.

_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, because they pull the Ropes.

[_Here all laugh._

[——Neverout _plays with a Tea-cup_.——

_Miss._ Now a Child would have cry’d half an Hour before it would have found out such a pretty Plaything.

_Lady Smart._ Well said, Miss: I vow, Mr. _Neverout_, the Girl is too hard for you.

_Neverout._ Ay, Miss will say any Thing but her Prayers, and those she whistles.

_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, make me a Present of that pretty Penknife?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, Miss, catch him at that, and hang him.

_Col._ Not for the World, dear Miss; it will cut Love.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Colonel, you shall be married first, I was just going to say that.

_Lady Smart._ Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great Admirer of Miss: Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr. _Spruce_? I swear I have often seen him cast a Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at you: Deny it if you can.

_Miss._ Oh! Madam; all the World knows, that Mr. _Spruce_ is a general Lover.

_Col._ Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make a Jest on.

[——_Miss blushes._——

_Lady Answ._ Well, however, Blushing is some Sign of Grace.

_Neverout._ Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with Thinking.

_Miss._ Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are pleas’d to divert yourselves; but, as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing in it.

_Lady Smart._ Touch a gall’d Horse, and he’ll wince: Love will creep where it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred Pound Mr. _Neverout_ was the Inventor of that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you had a Finger in the Pye.

_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, you forgot to salute Miss when you came in; she said you had not been here a long time.

_Miss._ Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at your Ladyship!

_Col._ Miss, I beg your Pardon——

[_Goes to salute her, she struggles a little._——

_Miss._ Well, I had rather give a Knave a Kiss, for once, than be troubled with him; but, upon my Word, you are more bold than welcome.

_Lady Smart._ Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame of the World, and Speech of good People.

[Neverout _to_ Miss, _who is cooking her Tea and Bread and
Butter_.

_Neverout._ Come, come, Miss, make much of naught; good Folks are scarce.

_Miss._ What! and You must come in with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three of them rotten.

_Col._ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] But, my Lord, I forgot to ask you, How you like my new Cloaths?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, very well, Colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, methinks the worst Piece is in the Middle.

[——_Here a loud Laugh, often repeated._——

_Col._ My Lord, you are too severe on your Friends.

_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I’m hot; are you a Sot?

_Neverout._ Miss, I’m cold; are you a Scold? Take you that.

_Lady Smart._ I confess, that was home. I find, Mr. _Neverout_, you won’t give your Head for the washing, as they say.

_Miss._ Oh! he’s a sore Man, where the Skin’s off. I see, Mr. _Neverout_ has a Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, on the Whetstone of my Ignorance.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, _Tom_, you are struck! I never heard a better Thing.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, give me Leave to scratch you for that fine Speech.

_Miss._ Pox on your Picture; it cost me a Groat the drawing.

_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] ’Sbuds, Madam, I have burnt my Hand with your plaguy Tea-kettle.

_Lady Smart._ Why, then, Mr. _Neverout_, you must say, God save the King.

_Neverout._ Did you ever see the like?

_Miss._ Never, but once, at a Wedding.

_Col._ Pray, Miss, how old are you?

_Miss._ Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, and a little older than my Teeth.

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Ans._] Pray, Madam, is Miss _Buxom_ married? I hear, ’tis all over the Town.

_Lady Answ._ My Lord, she’s either married, or worse.

_Col._ If she ben’t marry’d, at least she’s lustily promis’d. But, is it certain, that Sir _John Blunderbuss_ is dead at last?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes; or else he’s sadly wrong’d, for they have bury’d him.

_Miss._ Why, if he be dead, he’ll eat no more Bread.

_Col._ But, is he really dead?

_Lady Answ._ Yes, Colonel; as sure as you’re alive——

_Col._ They say, he was an honest Man.

_Lady Answ._ Yes, with good looking to.

[——Miss _feels a Pimple on her Face_.——

_Miss._ Lord! I think my Goodness is coming out. Madam, will your Ladyship please to send me a Patch?

_Neverout._ Miss, if you are a Maid, put your Hand upon your Spot.

_Miss._ ——There——

[_Covering her Face with both her Hands._——

_Lady Smart._ Well, thou art a mad Girl.

[_Gives her a Tap._

_Miss._ Lord, Madam; is that a Blow to give a Child?

[——_Lady_ Smart _lets fall her Handkerchief, and the Colonel
stoops for it_.——

_Lady Smart._ Colonel, you shall have a better Office.

_Col._ Oh! Madam, I can’t have a better, than to serve your Ladyship.

_Col._ [_to Lady Sparkish._] Madam, has your Ladyship read the new Play, written by a Lord? it is call’d, _Love in a Hollow Tree_.

_Lady Sparkish._ No, Colonel.

_Col._ Why, then your Ladyship has one Pleasure to come.

[——Miss _sighs_.——

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, why do you sigh?

_Miss._ To make a Fool ask, and you are the first.

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, I find there is nothing but a Bit and a Blow with you.

_Lady Answ._ Why, you must know, Miss is in Love.

_Miss._ I wish, my Head may never ake till that Day.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, Miss, never sigh, but send for him.

——_Lady Smart and Lady Answerall speaking together._] If he be hang’d, he’ll come hopping; and if he be drown’d, he’ll come dropping.

_Miss._ Well, I swear, you’d make one die with laughing.

[——Miss _plays with a Tea-cup, and_ Neverout _plays with
another_.——

_Neverout._ Well; I see, one Fool makes many.

_Miss._ And you’re the greatest Fool of any.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, will you be so kind to tie this String for me with your fair Hands? it will go all in your Day’s Work.

_Miss._ Marry, come up, indeed; tie it yourself, you have as many Hands as I; your Man’s Man will have a fine Office truly: Come, pray, stand out of my spitting Place.

_Neverout._ Well; but, Miss, don’t be angry.

_Miss._ No; I was never angry in my Life but once, and then nobody car’d for it; so I resolv’d never to be angry again.

_Neverout._ Well; but if you’ll tie it, you shall never know what I’ll do for you.

_Miss._ So I suppose, truly.

_Neverout._ Well; but I’ll make you a fine Present one of these Days.

_Miss._ Ay; when the Devil’s blind; and his Eyes are not sore yet.

_Neverout._ No, Miss; I’ll send it you To-morrow.

_Miss._ Well, well: To-morrow’s a new Day; but I suppose, you mean, Tomorrow-come-never.

_Neverout._ Oh! ’tis the prettiest Thing: I assure you, there came but Two of them over in Three Ships.

_Miss._ Would I could see it, quoth blind _Hugh_. But why did you not bring me a Present of Snuff this Morning?

_Neverout._ Because, Miss, you never ask’d me; and ’tis an ill Dog that’s not worth whistling for.

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, how came your Ladyship last _Thursday_ to go to that odious Puppet-show?

_Col._ Why, to be sure, her Ladyship went to see, and to be seen.

_Lady Answ._ You have made a fine Speech, Colonel: Pray, what will you take for your Mouth-piece?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Take that, Colonel: But, pray, Madam, was my Lady _Snuff_ there? They say, she is extremely handsome.

_Lady Smart._ They must not see with my Eyes, that think so.

_Neverout._ She may pass Muster well enough.

_Lady Answ._ Pray, how old do you take her to be?

_Col._ Why, about Five or Six and Twenty.

_Miss._ I swear, she’s no Chicken; she’s on the wrong Side of Thirty, if she be a Day.

_Lady Answ._ Depend upon it, she’ll never see Five and Thirty, and a Bit to spare.

_Col._ Why, they say, she’s one of the chief Toasts in Town.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, when all the rest are out of it.

_Miss._ Well; I wou’dn’t be as sick as she’s proud, for all the World.

_Lady Answ._ She looks, as if Butter wou’dn’t melt in her Mouth; but I warrant, Cheese won’t choak her. I hear, my Lord What-d’ye-call-him is courting her.

_Ld. Sparkish._ What Lord d’ye mean, _Tom_?

_Miss._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, Mr. _Neverout_ means the Lord of the Lord knows what.

_Col._ They say, she dances very fine.

_Lady Answ._ She did; but, I doubt, her Dancing Days are over.

_Col._ I can’t pardon her, for her Rudeness to me.

_Lady Smart._ Well; but you must forget and forgive.

[——Footman _comes in_.——

_Lady Smart._ Did you call _Betty_?

_Footman._ She’s coming, Madam.

_Lady Smart._ Coming! ay, so is _Christmas_.

[——Betty _comes in_.——

_Lady Smart._ Come, get ready my Things. Where has the Wench been these Three Hours?

_Betty._ Madam, I can’t go faster than my Legs will carry me.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, thou hast a Head, and so has a Pin. But, my Lord, all the Town has it, that Miss _Caper_ is to be married to Sir _Peter Giball_; one thing is certain, that she hath promis’d to have him.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Madam, you know Promises are either broken or kept.

_Lady Answ._ I beg your Pardon, my Lord; Promises and Pye-crust are made to be broken.

_Lady Smart._ Nay, I had it from my Lady _Carry-lye_’s own Mouth. I tell you my Tale, and my Tale’s Author; if it be a Lye, you had it as cheap as I.

_Lady Answ._ She and I had some Words last _Sunday_ at Church; but, I think, I gave her her own.

_Lady Smart._ Her Tongue runs like the Clapper of a Mill; she talks enough for herself and all the Company.

_Neverout._ And yet she simpers like a Firmity-Kettle.

[——Miss _looking in a Glass_.——

_Miss._ Lord, how my Head is drest To-day!

_Col._ Oh, Madam! a good Face needs no Band.

_Miss._ No; and a bad one deserves none.

_Col._ Pray, Miss, where is your old Acquaintance, Mrs. _Wayward_?

_Miss._ Why, where should she be? You must needs know; she’s in her Skin.

_Col._ I can answer that: What if you were as far out as she’s in?——

_Miss._ Well, I promis’d to go this Evening to _Hyde-Park_ on the Water; but, I protest, I’m half afraid.

_Neverout._ Never fear, Miss; you have the old Proverb on your Side, Naught’s ne’er in Danger.

_Col._ Why, Miss, let _Tom Neverout_ wait on you; and then, I warrant, you’ll be as safe as a Thief in a Mill; for you know, he that’s born to be hang’d, will never be drowned.

_Neverout._ Thank you, Colonel, for your good Word; but, faith, if ever I hang, it shall be about a fair Lady’s Neck.

_Lady Smart._ Who’s there? Bid the Children be quiet, and not laugh so loud.

_Lady Answ._ Oh, Madam! let’ em laugh; they’ll ne’er laugh younger.

_Neverout._ Miss, I’ll tell you a Secret, if you’ll promise never to tell it again.

_Miss._ No, to be sure; I’ll tell it to nobody but Friends and Strangers.

_Neverout._ Why, then, there’s some Dirt in my Tea-cup.

_Miss._ Come, come; the more there’s in’t, the more there’s on’t.

_Lady Answ._ Poh! you must eat a Peck of Dirt before you die.

_Col._ Ay, ay; it goes all one way.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, What’s a Clock?

_Miss._ Why, you must know, ’tis a Thing like a Bell; and you are a Fool that can’t tell.

_Neverout._ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, do you tell me; for I have let my Watch run down.

_Lady Answ._ Why, ’tis half an Hour past Hanging-time.

_Col._ Well; I am like the Butcher, that was looking for his Knife, and had it in his Mouth: I have been searching my Pockets for my Snuff-box, and, egad, here ’tis in my Hand.

_Miss._ If it had been a Bear, it would have bit you, Colonel: Well, I wish, I had such a Snuff-box.

_Neverout._ You’ll be long enough before you wish your Skin full of Eyelet-Holes.

_Col._ Wish in one Hand,——

_Miss._ Out upon you: Lord, what can the Man mean?

_Ld. Sparkish._ This Tea’s very hot.

_Lady Answ._ Why, it came from a hot Place, my Lord.

[——Colonel _spills his Tea_.——

_Lady Smart._ That’s as well done as if I had done it myself.

_Col._ Madam, I find, you live by ill Neighbours; when you are forc’d to praise yourself.

_Lady Smart._ So they pray’d me to tell you.

_Neverout._ Well, I won’t drink a Drop more; if I do, ’twill go down like chopt Hay.

_Miss._ Pray, don’t say No, till you are ask’d.

_Neverout._ Well, what you please, and the rest again.

[——Miss _stooping for a Pin_.——

_Miss._ I have heard ’em say, that a Pin a Day is a Groat a Year. Well, as I hope to be married, forgive me for swearing; I vow, ’tis a Needle.

_Col._ Oh! the wonderful Works of Nature: That a black Hen should have a white Egg!

_Neverout._ What! you have found a Mare’s Nest; and laugh at the Eggs.

_Miss._ Pray, keep your Breath to cool your Porridge.

_Neverout._ Miss, there was a very pleasant Accident last Night in St. _James_’s Park.

_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] What was it your Ladyship was going to say just now?

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; tell a Mare a Tale——

_Miss._ I find, you love to hear yourself talk.