Chapter XVI: Introduction (4)

I've lost one eye, but thet's a loss it's easy to supply
Out o' the glory that I've gut, fer thet is all my eye;
An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it,
To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it;
Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins,
Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins;
So, ez the eye's put fairly out, I'll larn to go without it,
An' not allow _myself_ to be no gret put out about it.
Now, le' me see, thet isn't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam,
To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em:
Ware's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut's come on't;
I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet's gut jest a thumb on't;
It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on't.
I've hed some ribs broke,--six (I b'lieve),--I haint kep' no account
on 'em;
Wen pensions git to be the talk, I'll settle the amount on 'em.
An' now I'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind
One thet I couldn't never break,--the one I lef' behind;
Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention
An' pour the longest sweetnin' in about an annooal pension,
An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be
Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be;
There's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet's wooden
Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther's a puddin'.

I spose you think I'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder,
With shiploads o' gold images an' varus sorts o' plunder;
Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o'
Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water,
Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation,
An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation,
Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin',
Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin',
Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em,
An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em;
Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver
Thet you could take, an' no one couldn't hand ye in no bill fer;--
Thet's wut I thought afore I went, thet's wut them fellers told us
Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us;
I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than Chiny asters,
An' see myself a comin' back like sixty Jacob Astors;
But sech idees soon melted down an' didn't leave a grease-spot;
I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles wouldn't come nigh a V spot;
Although, most anywares we've ben, you needn't break no locks,
Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks.

I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs
O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs,
But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded)
How one day you'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git
drownded.
The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter
Our Prudence hed, thet wouldn't pour (all she could du) to suit her;
Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so's not a drop 'ould
dreen out,
Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out,
The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver
'ould all come down _kerswosh_! ez though the dam broke in a river.
Jest so 'tis here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather,
An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together
Ez t' how they'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot,--
'T'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot.
The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I'm allowed to leave here,
One piece o' propaty along,--an' thet's the shakin' fever;
It's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one,
Nor 'taint so tiresome ez it wuz with t'other leg an' arm on;
An' it's a consolation, tu, although it doosn't pay,
To hev it said you're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way.
'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin',--
One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin',--
One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes,--
Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes.
But then, thinks I, at any rate there's glory to be hed,--
Thet's an investment, arter all, thet mayn't turn out so bad;
But somehow, wen we'd fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanks
Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks;
The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, an' so on,--
_We_ never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on;
An' spose we hed, I wonder how you're goin' to contrive its
Division so's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits;
Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one,
You wouldn't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun;
We git the licks,--we're jest the grist thet's put into War's hoppers;
Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers.
It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in't,
An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in't;
But glory is a kin' o' thing _I_ shan't pursue no furder,
Coz thet's the off'cers parquisite,--yourn's on'y jest the murder.

Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there's one
Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet's the |GLORIOUS FUN|;
Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we
All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy.
I'll tell ye wut _my_ revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em;
_We_ never gut inside the hall: the nighest ever _I_ come
Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it _seemed_ a cent'ry)
A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry,
An' hearin' ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses,
A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses:
I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside;
All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried,
An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted,
A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted;
The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me
Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee.

They say the quarrel's settled now; fer my part I've some doubt on't,
'T 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out
on't;
At any rate, I'm so used up I can't do no more fightin',
The on'y chance thet's left to me is politics or writin';
Now, ez the people's gut to hev a milingtary man,
An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I've hit upon a plan;
The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T,
An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea;
So I'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office,
(I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies;
Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work's the time o' day,
You know thet's wut I never did,--except the other way;)
Ef it's the Presidential cheer fer wich I'd better run,
Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my one?
There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it's said,
So useful ez a wooden leg,--except a wooden head;
There's nothin' aint so poppylar--(wy, it's a parfect sin
To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin;)--
Then I haint gut no princerples, an', sence I wuz knee-high,
I never _did_ hev any gret, ez you can testify;
I'm a decided peace man, tu, an' go agin the war,--
Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to go _for_?
Ef, wile you're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should beg
To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer |WOODEN LEG|!
Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt
An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say |ONE EYE PUT OUT|!
Thet kin' o' talk I guess you'll find'll answer to a charm,
An' wen you're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my missin' arm;
Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous look
An' tell 'em thet's percisely wut I never gin nor--took!

Then you can call me "Timbertoes,"--thet's wut the people likes;
Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes;
Some say the people's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please,--
I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees;
"Old Timbertoes," you see, 's a creed it's safe to be quite bold on,
There's nothin' in't the other side can any ways git hold on;
It's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody
Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy-toddy;
It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level with the mind
Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind;
Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em,
Sech ez the |one-eyed Slarterer|, the |bloody Birdofredum|;
Them's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses,
An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all classes.

There's one thing I'm in doubt about; in order to be Presidunt,
It's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt;
The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller
Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller.
Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes,
Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes),
But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, maybe,
You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby,
An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to say
They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day,
Say you're assured I go full butt fer Liberty's diffusion
An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institootion;--
But, golly! there's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin'!
I'll be more 'xplicit in my next.

Yourn,
|Birdofredum Sawin|.

[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the
balance-sheet stands between our returned volunteer and
glory. Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of
the account in fractional parts of one hundred, we shall
arrive at something like the following result:--

|B. Sawin|, Esq., in account with (|Blank|) |Glory|.

Cr. Dr.
By loss of one leg, 20 To one 675th three cheers in
" do. one arm, 15 Faneuil Hall, 30
" do. four fingers, 5 " do. do. on occasion of
" do. one eye, 10 presentation of sword to
" the breaking of six ribs, 6 Colonel Wright, 25
" having served under Colonel " one suit of gray clothes
Cushing one month, 44 (ingeniously unbecoming), 15
" musical entertainments
(drum and fife six
months), 5
" one dinner after return, 1
" chance of pension, 1
" privilege of drawing longbow
during rest of natural
life, 23
---
100 100
E. E.

It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast
curiously the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in
Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary object seems to
have been the making of his fortune. _Quærenda pecunia
primum, virtus post nummos._ He hoisted sail for Eldorado,
and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. _Quid non mortalia
pectora cogis, auri sacra fames?_ The speculation has
sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of
drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary
showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree,
might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing
problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter
for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we
are assured of in South America, and stout Sir John Hawkins
testifies to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear
abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I have seen, in the
entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit.
A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom
but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and
innutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not without
examples; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of
France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree,
growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange
uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a
new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto
uninterested in arboriculture, was so zealous? In the
_sylva_ of our own Southern States, the females of my family
have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply
examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in
the smaller branches of which has been implanted so
miraculous a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek
languages, and which may well, therefore, be classed among
the trees producing necessaries of life,--_venerabile donum
fatalis virgæ_. That money-trees existed in the golden age
there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does
not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not
grow on _every_ bush, imply _a fortiori_ that there were
certain bushes which did produce it? Again, there is another
ancient saw to the effect that money is the _root_ of all
evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the
aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub,
then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age,
vanished altogether. In favorable exposures it may be
conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age,
as in the garden of the Hesperides; and, indeed, what else
could that tree in the Sixth Æneid have been, with a branch
whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory,
for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to
a certain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom?
Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them,
or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed
impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I
leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That
there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where
money was sold,--and that, too, on credit and at a
bargain,--I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but
a dealer in this article was that Æolus who supplied Ulysses
with motive power for his fleet in bags? What that Ericus,
king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his
cap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who
traded in favorable breezes? All which will appear the more
clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, _raising
the wind_ is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers
and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.

And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a
parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own.
For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the
before-stated natural-historical and archæological theories,
as I was passing, _hæc negotia penitus mecum revolvens_,
through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England
metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a
sign-board,--|Cheap Cash-Store|. Here was at once the
confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my
hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or
stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more
fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes
of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the
recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of
that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so
cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even
during that first half-believing glance) expended in various
useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the
manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a
clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house, a gift
appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and
town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself.
Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the
University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be
considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with
the viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are
ever so warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would
afford matter of argument. Enough that I found that
sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a
decayed grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates
(getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy
flies who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the
very scales), which purchase I made, not only with an eye to
the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of
that too frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the
due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the
happy sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this
Astræa-forsaken nineteenth century.

Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title
_Sawin, B._, let us extend our investigations, and discover
if that instructive volume does not contain some charges
more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should
be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly
appreciate the fact, that, whenever brother Jonathan seems
to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in
fact, picking ours. I confess that the late _muck_ which the
country has been running has materially changed my views as
to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of
direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay
were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty
housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was
going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At
present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger
way, that we know not what we pay for; the poor man is
charged as much as the rich; and, while we are saving and
scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at
the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we
expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and balls, and
that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our
backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During
the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a
government official entering my study and handing me the
following bill:--

|Washington|, Sept. 30, 1848.

|Rev. Homer Wilbur| to |Uncle Samuel|,

Dr.
To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership account,
sundry jobs, as below.

" killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans, $2.00
" slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded, .10
" extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment
and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented
from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high mass, 3.50
"throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bombshell
into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby several female
Papists were slain at the altar, .50
"his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory, 1.75
" do. do. for conquering do. 1.50
"manuring do. with new superior compost called "American
Citizen," .50
"extending the area of freedom and Protestantism, .01
"glory, .01
-----
$9.87
_Immediate payment is requested._

N. B. Thankful for former favors, U. S. requests a
continuance of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and
despatch. Terms as low as those of any other contractor for
the same kind and style of work.

I can fancy the official answering my look of horror
with,--"Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir: but in
these days slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would
that every one understood that it was; for it goes about
obtaining money under the false pretence of being glory. For
me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable
tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on
his way home from his day's work, and forthwith my
imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head and epaulettes
upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a candidate for the
Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as the
place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that
of "Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my
fortune to be seated at the dinner-table over against one of
these respectable persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own
profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in
Europe, and Indians in America. Now what does my
over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip
him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his
trowsers thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with
clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of which lolled a
gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying my relish for the
temporal mercies upon the board before me!--H. W.]

No. IX.

A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.

[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful.
In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has
become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves? From an
ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy
bride, the popular favor, we see him subside of a sudden
into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his
plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand;
figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and
from no profound affection for that honored implement of
husbandry, (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any
decided predilection,) but in order to be gracefully
summoned therefrom to more congenial labors. It would seem
that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part
of the recognized stock of our modern political comedy,
though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial
length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as could be
desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for purposes of
scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs,
the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This
rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend,
Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Bâton Rouge, as occasion demands.
Before the door stands a something with one handle (the
other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in
happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated
candidate rushes with delirous joy, welcomed as a father by
appropriate groups of happy laborers, or from it the
successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a
noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if
the scene be laid at Bâton Rouge or Ashland, the laborers
are kept carefully in the background, and are heard to shout
from behind the scenes in a singular tone resembling
ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous
clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with
the habits of the rustic population of those localities. The
precise connection between agricultural pursuits and
statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry,
to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren
of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact,
which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no
real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in
General Court, however theoretically qualified for more
exalted station.

It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to
Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice
without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in
the cabinet or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we
of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of villatic pride
in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the
public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications
necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr.
S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The
loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four fingers, reduced him
so nearly to the condition of a _vox et præterea nihil_,
that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by
which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has
chosen to baulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves
with what we can get, remembering _lactucas non esse dandas,
dum cardui sufficiant._--H. W.]

I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views
In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze,
Jest arter I'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up
To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup;
O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 'twuz ferflely distressin',
But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin'
Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered,
There didn't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd:
Fact is, they udged the matter so, I couldn't help admittin'
The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in,
Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed,
Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need;
An', tell ye wut, them shoes'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin',
Ef this 'ere fashion is to last we've gut into o' hatchin'
A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election,--
Though, fur ez number one's consarned, I don't make no objection.

I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw
The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law,
(They would ha' hed it _Father_, but I told 'em 't wouldn't du,
Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they couldn't split in tu,
An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door,
Nor darsn't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore,)
But 'taint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated,
'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated,
An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh,
I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh.

Sence I've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find
Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind;
It's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis,
Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis,
An' 't wouldn't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted
By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted;
'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw,
Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw;
So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like--like ole (I swow,
I dunno ez I know his name)--I'll go back to my plough.

Wenever an Amerikin distinguished politishin
Begins to try et wut they call definin' his posishin,
Wal, I, fer one, feel sure he aint gut nuthin' to define;
It's so nine cases out o' ten, but jest that tenth is mine;
An' 'taint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation
To hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation;
To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing,
Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing;
So I edvise the noomrous friends thet's in one boat with me
To jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee,
Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack,
Make fer the safest port they can, wich, _I_ think, is Ole Zack.

Next thing you'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem
To see thet makes me think this ere'll be the strongest team;
Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloons
Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons,
An' 'taint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in
Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin;
I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see,
I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee:
I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg
Higher than him,--a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg;
But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I'm burnin', s
Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin';
Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks,--
'Twuz Birdofredum _one_, Cass _aught_, an' Taylor _twenty-six_,
An' bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground,
They said 'twuz no more'n right thet I should pay the drinks all round;
Ef I'd expected sech a trick, I wouldn't ha' cut my foot
By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot;
It didn't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust,
Ef Bellers wuzn't slim enough to say he wouldn't trust!

Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges
Is thet the Gin'ral hezn't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges;
He hezn't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin'
But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin';
This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases,
Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely what he pleases:
I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral isn't bound to neither;--
I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there.
Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry
(He's like a holsome hayinday, thet's warm, but isn't sultry);
He's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' _scratch_, ez 'tware,
Thet ain't exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair;
I've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort,
An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought;
They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus;
They're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus;
Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em,
Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em;
To nary one on 'em I'd trust a secon'-handed rail
No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail.

Webster sot matters right in thet air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;--
"Taylor," sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I'd a chizzen,
Nor he aint fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint
No more'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint;
But then," sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote fer
Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer;
Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box
Fer one ez 'tis fer t'other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?"

It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou'doors,
To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours;
I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote
Fer Taylor arter all,--it's jest to go an' change your coat;
Wen he's once greased, you'll swaller him an' never know on't, scurce,
Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them 'ere Gin'ral's spurs.
I've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock,
But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock;
Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found
Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round;
They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one
An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done,
Till, fur'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on,
But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on,
An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone,
Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hayricks on.
I spose it's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan,
Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van.
I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I'm clean disgusted,--
He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted;
He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be,
He'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby;
An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick'z
A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six.
An' then, another thing;--I guess, though mebby I am wrong,
This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong;
Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough'll rise,
Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I wouldn't trust my eyes;
'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party's gut,
To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut.
But even ef they caird the day, there wouldn't be no endurin'
To stan' upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;--
An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet 'ere chap should dare
To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear!
I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs
A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet wouldn't say his prayers.
This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the party
Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty;
They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrils
Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils.
I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see?
A feller was aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me,
About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge,
An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge!
He's one o' them that goes about an' sez you hedn't ough'ter
Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water.
There's one rule I've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, ollers,--
I take the side thet _isn't_ took by them consarned teetotallers.
Ez fer the niggers, I've ben South, an' thet hez changed my mind;
A lazier, more ongrateful set you couldn't nowers find.
You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger,
Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger;
So, ez there's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin',
I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'.
I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp,
'T worn't very long before I gut upon the nest o' Pomp;
I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', play in' round the door,
Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more.
At fust I thought o' firin', but _think twice_ is safest ollers;
There aint, thinks I, not one on 'em but's wuth his twenty dollars,
Or would be, ef I had 'em back into a Christian land,--
How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand!
(Not but wut _I_ hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,--
I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.)
Soon'z they see me, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein'
A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin'
He wouldn't ha' took a pop at me; but I had gut the start,
An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart;
He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur,
The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus'an a boy constrictur.
"You can't gum _me_, I tell ye now, an' so you needn't try,
I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I.
"Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I'll jest let strip,
You'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I've gut ye on the hip;
Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster
To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master,
Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of,
Or you'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of;
Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he sed
He'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, live or dead;
Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away,
Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay;
Don't know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went
An' offered--wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no _less_'n a cent."

Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an' druv 'em on afore me,
The pis'nous brutes, I'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me;
We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot
I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot
Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot;
Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe,
An' laid it down 'long side o' me, supposin' all wuz safe;
I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring,
An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring;
But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind,
(Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then,) Pomp he snaked up behind,
An' creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink,
Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink,
An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree,
An' a poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see,
An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun,
Or else thet they'd cair off the leg, an' fairly cut an' run.
I vow I didn't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur
Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur;
However, ez there worn't no help, I finally give in
An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin.
Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned,
He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You're fairly pinned;
Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an come,
'Twun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum."
At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I wouldn't budge.
"Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge."

So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back
Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track,
An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six-months, an' worked me, tu, like sin,
Till I hed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in;
He made me larn him readin', tu, (although the crittur saw
How much it hut my morril sense to act agin the law,)
So'st he could read a Bible he'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint
The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint,
Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit,
Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it.
Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick,
Sez,--"Ef you know wut's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick;
The winter-time's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap,
You're so darned lazy, I don't think you're hardly wuth your keep;
Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model
I'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you'd better toddle!"

Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me
Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free?
D'you think they'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them
Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem?
Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I'd go thru fire an' water;
Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter;
No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',--
I guess we're in a Christian land,--

Yourn,
|Birdofredum Sawin|.

[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust
with some mutual satisfaction. I say _patient_, for I love
not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the
page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls
shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed,
the world is not without example of books wherefrom the
longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper
handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may
reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters,
yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.

It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by
my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring
against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers
out of the meetinghouse save only the sexton, who, remaining
for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at
last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly
requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should
have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to
a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem
a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or
unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the
Gospel of Saint John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be
read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his
first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground.
For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable
by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did
Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood
not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is
that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message
to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of
treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have
prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and,
perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim
to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me
to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the
Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to
shorten their public eloquence. It is possible, that, having
been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been
too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own
peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the
expectation and with the desire of hearing him.

I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental
organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with
its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in
order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one
fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who,
misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting
of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has
_caught bottom_, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail
of various _algæ_, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist
may haply find something to repay the disappointment of the
angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavored to adapt
myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily
degenerating more and more from the high standard of our
pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would
mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons.
Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For,
truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us
in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and
subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the
vertebræ of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture
a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these
other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because
there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those
whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in
clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct.
The attempt to vanquish the innumerable _heads_ of one of
those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a
plausible interpretation of the second labor of Hercules,
and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful
precedent.

But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard,
I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out
through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy
in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number
of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more
abundant than my own,--by which sight I am admonished to
turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labors may be
more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the
preparation of my next Sabbath's discourse.--H. W.]

GLOSSARY.

A.

Act'lly, _actually_.

Air, _are_.

Airth, _earth_.

Airy, _area_.

Aree, _area_.

Arter, _after_.

Ax, _ask_.

B.

Beller, _bellow_.

Bellowses, _lungs_.

Ben, _been_.

Bile, _boil_.

Bimeby, _by and by_.

Blurt out, _to speak bluntly_.

Bust, _burst_.

Buster, _a roistering blade_; used also as a general superlative.

C.

Caird, _carried_.

Cairn, _carrying_.

Caleb, _a turncoat_.

Cal'late, _calculate_.

Cass, _a person with two lives_.

Close, _clothes_.

Cockerel, _a young cock_.

Cocktail, _a kind of drink_; also, _an ornament peculiar to soldiers_.

Convention, _a place where people are imposed on_; _a juggler's show_.

Coons, _a cant term for a now defunct party_; derived, perhaps, from
the fact of their being commonly _up a tree_.

Cornwallis, _a sort of muster in masquerade_; supposed to have had its
origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemorate the surrender
of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes
procession.

Crooked stick, _a perverse, froward person_.

Cunnle, _a colonel_.

Cus, _a curse_; also, _a pitiful fellow_.

D.

Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number,
for _dare not_, _dares not_, and _dared not_.

Deacon off, _to give the cue to_; derived from a custom, once
universal, but now extinct, in our New England Congregational
churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read
aloud the hymns _given out_ by the minister, one line at a time,
the congregation singing each line as soon as read.

Demmercrat, leadin', _one in favor of extending slavery_; _a free-trade
lecturer maintained in the custom-house_.

Desput, _desperate_.

Doos, _does_.

Doughface, _a contented lickspittle_; a common variety of Northern
politician.

Dror, _draw_.

Du, _do_.

Dunno, _dno_, _do not_, or _does not know_.

Dut, _dirt_.

E.

Eend, _end_.

Ef, _if_.

Emptins, _yeast_.

Env'y, _envoy_.

Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration.

Ev'y, _every_.

Ez, _as_.

F.

Fence, On the, said of one who halts between two opinions; a trimmer.

Fer, _for_.

Ferfle, ferful, _fearful_; also an intensive.

Fin', _find_.

Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee.

Fix, _a difficulty_, _a nonplus_.

Foller, folly, _to follow_.

Forrerd, _forward_.

Frum, _from_.

Fur, far.

Furder, _farther_.

Furrer, _furrow_. Metaphorically, _to draw a straight furrow_ is to
live uprightly or decorously.

Fust, _first_.

G.

Gin, _gave_.

Git, _get_.

Gret, _great_.

Grit, _spirit_, _energy_, _pluck_.

Grout, _to sulk_.

Grouty, _crabbed_, _surly_.

Gum, _to impose on_.

Gump, _a foolish fellow_, _a dullard_.

Gut, _got_.

H.

Hed, _had_.

Heern, _heard_.

Hellum, _helm_.

Hendy, _handy_.

Het, _heated_.

Hev, _have_.

Hez, _has_.

Holl, _whole_.

Holt, _hold_.

Huf, _hoof_.

Hull, _whole_.

Hum, _home_.

Humbug, _General Taylor's antislavery_.

Hut, _hurt_.

I.

Idno, _I do not know_.

In'my, _enemy_.

Insines, _ensigns_; used to designate both the officer who carries
the standard, and the standard itself.

Inter, intu, _into_.

J.

Jedge, _judge_.

Jest, _just_.

Jine, _join_.

Jint, _joint_.

Junk, _a fragment of any solid substance_.

K.

Keer, _care_.

Kep', _kept_.

Killock, _a small anchor_.

Kin', kin' o, kinder, _kind_, _kind of_.

L.

Lawth, _loath_.

Less, _let's_, _let us_.

Let daylight into, _to shoot_.

Let on, _to hint_, _to confess_, _to own_.

Lick, _to beat_, _to overcome_.

Lights, _the bowels_.

Lily-pads, _leaves of the water-lily_.

Long-sweetening, _molasses_.

M.

Mash, _marsh_.

Mean, _stingy_, _ill-natured_.

Min', _mind_.

N.

Nimepunce, _ninepence_, _twelve and a half cents_.

Nowers, _nowhere_.

O.

Offen, _often_.

Ole, _old_.

Ollers, olluz, _always_.

On, _of_; used before _it_ or _them_, or at the end of a sentence,
as _on't_, _on 'em,_ _nut ez ever I heerd on_.

On'y, _only_.

Ossifer, _officer_ (seldom heard).

P.

Peaked, _pointed_.

Peek, _to peep_.

Pickerel, _the pike_, _a fish_.

Pint, _point_.

Pocket full of rocks, _plenty of money_.

Pooty, _pretty_.

Pop'ler, _conceited_, _popular_.

Pus, _purse_.

Put out, _troubled_, _vexed_.

Q.

Quarter, _a quarter-dollar_.

Queen's arm, _a musket_.

R.

Resh, _rush_.

Revelee, _the réveillé_.

Rile, _to trouble_.

Riled, _angry_; _disturbed_, as the sediment in any liquid.

Riz, _risen_.

Row, a long row to hoe, _a difficult task_.

Rugged, _robust_.

S.

Sarse, _abuse_, _impertinence_.

Sartin, _certain_.

Saxton, _sacristan_, _sexton_.

Scaliest, _worst_.

Scringe, _cringe_.

Scrouge, _to crowd_.

Sech, _such_.

Set by, _valued_.

Shakes, great, _of considerable consequence_.

Shappoes, _chapeaux_, _cocked-hats_.

Sheer, _share_.

Shet, _shut_.

Shut, _shirt_.

Skeered, _scared_.

Skeeter, _mosquito_.

Skootin', _running_, or _moving swiftly_.

Slarterin', _slaughtering_.

Slim, _contemptible_.

Snaked, _crawled like a snake_; but _to snake any one out_ is to
track him to his hiding-place; _to snake a thing out_ is to snatch it
out.

Soffles, _sofas_.

Sogerin', _soldiering_; a barbarous amusement common among men in the
savage state.

Som'ers, _somewhere_.

So'st, _so as that_.

Sot, _set_, _obstinate_, _resolute_.

Spiles, _spoils_; _objects of political ambition_.

Spry, _active_.

Staddles, _stout stakes driven into the salt marshes_, on which the
hay-ricks are set and thus raised out of the reach of high tides.

Streaked, _uncomfortable_, _discomfited_.

Suckle, _circle_.

Sutthin', _something_.

Suttin, _certain_.

T.

Take on, _to sorrow_.

Talents, _talons_.

Taters, _potatoes_.

Tell, _till_.

Tetch, _touch_.

Tetch tu, _to be able_; used always after a negative in this sense.

Thru, _through_.

Thundering, a euphemism common in New England for the profane English
expression _devilish_. Perhaps derived from the belief, common
formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some
of whose accomplishments consult Cotton Mather.

Tollable, _tolerable_.

Toot, used derisively for _playing on any wind instrument_.

Tu, _to_, _too_; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at
the end of a sentence. At other times it has the sound of _t_ in
_tough_, as, _Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' t' Boston_.

U.

Ugly, _ill-tempered_, _intractable_.

Uncle Sam, _United States_; the largest boaster of liberty and owner
of slaves.

Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread; _heavy_, _most unrisen_, or _most
incapable of rising_.

V.

V-spot, _a five-dollar bill_.

Vally, _value_.

W.

Wake snakes, _to get into trouble_.

Wal, _well_; spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the
_a_ very much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much
broadened.

Wannut, _walnut_ (_hickory_).

Ware, _where_.

Ware, _were_.

Whopper, _an uncommonly large lie_; as, that General Taylor is in favor
of the Wilmot Proviso.

Wig, _Whig_; a party now dissolved.

Wunt, _will not_.

Wus, _worse_.

Wut, _what_.

Wuth, _worth_; as, _Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth
a Bungtown copper_.

Wuz, _was_, sometimes _were_.

Y.

Yaller, _yellow_.

Yeller, _yellow_.

Yellers,_ a disease of peach-trees_.

Z.

Zack, Ole, _a second Washington, an antislavery slaveholder, a humane
buyer and seller of men and women, a Christian hero generally_.

INDEX.

A.

A. B., information wanted concerning, 427.

Adam, eldest son of, respected, 393.

Æneas goes to hell, 441.

Æolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 441.

Æschylus, a saying of, 414, _note_.

Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 451.

Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 453.

Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 406.

"American Citizen," new compost so called, 442.

American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 410
hitherto wrongly classed, 414
long bill of, _ib._

Amos, cited, 405.

Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 453.

Angels, providentially speak French, 400
conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, _ib._

Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 398.

Anglo-Saxon mask, 399.

Anglo-Saxon race, 396.

Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 393.

Antonius, a speech of, 408
by whom best reported, _ib._

Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 431.

Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 431.

Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 426.

Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 408.

Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 415.

Arcadian background, 443.

Aristophanes, 405.

Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentleman, 393.

Arnold, 409.

Ashland, 443.

Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 436.

Astraea, nineteenth century forsaken by, 442.

Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 408.

Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 419.

Austin, Saint, profane wish of, 409, _note_.

Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 401.

B.

Babel, probably the first Congress, 415
a gabble-mill, _ib._

Baby, a low-priced one, 440.

Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 421.

Baldwin apples, 454.

Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 442.

Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 413.

Barrels, an inference from seeing, 454.