Chapter XV: Part I

It is an Ancient Alderman,
And he stopped one of three;
“By thy gouty hand and ruby nose,
Now wherefore stopp’st thou me?

“The Adelphi doors have open’d long,
And I would save my tin;
My order’s lost at seven o’clock,
Permit me to go in.”

He holds him with his gouty hand,
“There is the Thames,” quoth he;
“Bother the Thames,” the other cried;
“Jump in, and let me be.”

He holds him by the glittering guard,
The Stunning Swell stood still,
And listens in most sulky style;
The Alderman hath his will.

The Stunning Swell against a lamp
Leant, as if bored to death.
And thus gasp’d on that Alderman,
With brevity of breath.

“The Mayor appear’d, the barge was steer’d,
Merrily we did drop,――
The Alderman, in City barge,――
Along on our Swan-Hop.

“At the Blackfriars we did embark,
Where gapes the mighty sewer.”
The Stunning Swell he stamp’t his foot,
For he heard the overture.

Mellon hath mounted on his stool,
The desk he tappeth thrice――
Four Roberts now the Swell must pay,
Or wait for the half-price.

“We pulled――at least the rowers did――
Bang through the Bridges three,
And Lambeth Reach, and Chelsea Reach,
We pass’d full merrily.

“And then the hour of lunch was come,
Our appetites wax’d strong,
We eat and drank, and drank and eat;
The Chaplain sang a song.

“We drank and eat, we eat and drank,
Till full was every sinner;
And then we thought we’d go on deck,
While Staples laid the dinner.

“We lean’d along the barge’s seats,
Or o’er the bulwarks bent;
We said it was a jolly world,
And folks should be content.

“We said it was a jolly world,
And everybody stated
That what we read of want and wrong
Was much exaggerated,

“That on the whole we really thought
Things went uncommon well――
When the Remembrancer bawled out,
‘Gog! what a hawful smell.’

“The Mayor he started to his feet,
Out of his lordly doze,
And ramm’d his scented handkerchief
Close up unto his nose.

“And as the smell came foully round,
We gasp’d and spit, and swore;
Such an abominable stench
We’d never smelt before.

“And after comments fierce and fast
On that unsavoury theme,
For reasons which I need not name,
Each turn’d him to the stream.

“When fouler, fouler rose the smell,
And then we did diskiver
The source of all that awful stench,
Dear Gog, it was the River!

“The river it was yellow mud,
With putrid colours varied,
And every kind of filthy thing
Upon the tide was carried.

“Dead dogs rotund, and garbage vile,
And slime, and scum, and muck;
Clung round as in a fœtid lake,
And oozed, and stank, and stuck.

“And in the mess a drowning cat
Mid seven drown’d kittens sprawl’d,
And her great eyes stared wildly out.
And piteously she squall’d.

“There was a blunderbuss on board――”
“Old Cock, what _are_ you at――
Are you not well?” “O gentle Swell,
_I took and shot the cat_.”