Chapter II: Front Matter (2)

WHEREAS {082}a most abominable GANG, have caused to be published and promulgated throughout the Nation a description of the infirmities and necessities of our nature, of which decorum forbids the mention; and also gross and inflaming allusions to the intercourse between the sexes, and wanton and shocking exposures relating thereto; to the destruction of youthful innocence, to the shame and disgust of matron modesty, and to the horror of all heads of families: it is therefore proposed to call an immediate MEETING, for the purpose of considering the best mode of preventing an increase of this dreadful contamination, and of securing the ringleaders of the Conspiracy, and bringing them to condign punishment.

NEW VICTUALLING OFFICE.

TO CONTRACTORS.--Persons willing to supply this Establishment with CAST-IRON REPEATERS, having duplex Movements, according to the Working Models now in use as above, may send in Sealed Tenders, stating the number they can instantly supply for immediate use, and the price thereof at per hundred.

TO NACKERMEN.

THE old Hackney, Liverpool, who lately lost his paces, is _glandered,_ gone blind, got cruel vicious, tried to kick his mistress's brains out, shattered himself to nothing, and is expected to go down with the staggers. Any body who thinks it worth while to send a _drag_ to the Stable yard may have him for fetching.

TO MANGLERS--JUST LEAVING HIS PLACE.

A STOUT ABLE-BODIED IRISHMAN, for a long time a master hand at mangling; when he begins there is no stopping him, and never tires. Can fold and smooth, and double and iron, all day. Will turn with any body. Was formerly a master in Dublin, where his mangling will never be forgotten. His Character may be had of any body there. Is very smooth spoken, of good address, looks like an upper Valet, and is a perfect devil at his Work. May be heard of at the Triangle in the Bird-cage Walk.

TO LAUNDRESSES, WANTS A PLACE.

AN old Woman accustomed to coarse things; and work, however filthy, never comes amiss. Where she is now they find her in _ruin_, and she finds dishclouts; but is leaving, being almost poisoned by printers' ink. To save trouble, will have nothing to do with cleaning the House. Is used to ironing, and putting by, in any quantities, and never tires at hanging up. Can have an undeniable Character from the Rev. Mr. Hay, and the Recorder of London.

STRAYED AND MISSING.

IN {083}Infirm Elderly Gentleman in a Public Office, lately left his home, just after dreadfully ill-using his wife about half a Crown, and trying to beat her. He had long complained a great deal of his forehead, and lately had a leech put upon him. He was last seen walking swiftly towards the Horns without a Crown to his hat, accompanied by some evil disposed persons, who tied a great green bag to his tail full of crackers, which he mistook for sweetmeats, and burnt himself dreadfully. Every person he met in this deplorable condition tried to persuade him to go back, but in vain. He is very deaf and very obstinate, and cannot bear to be looked at or spoken to. It is supposed that he has been seduced and carried off by some artful female. He may be easily known by his manners. He fancies himself the politest man in Europe, because he knows how to bow, and to offer a pinch of snuff; and thinks himself the greatest man in Europe, because people have humoured him and let him have his own way. He is so fond of tailoring, that he lately began a suit that will take him his life to complete. He delights in playing at soldiers, supposes himself a cavalry officer, and makes speeches, that others write for him, in a field marshal's uniform. Sometimes he fancies himself 'Glorious Apollo,' plays;Hailstones of Brunswick' on the base fiddle, and qualifies his frieuds to perform 'Cuckolds all on a row.' His concerns are very much deranged. Not long ago he imported a vast quantity of Italian images at enormous prices, upon credit, and hoarded them up in a waterside cotton warehouse. Since then, things have gone all against him, and he has been in a very desponding state. It is of the utmost consequence to himself that he should be at his post, or he may lose his place; one of his predecessors some time ago having been cashiered for his misconduct. If this should meet his eye, it is earnestly requested that he will return to his duty, and he will be kindly received and no questions asked.

N. B. He has not a friend in the world except the advertiser and a few others, who never had an opportunity of speaking to him and letting him know the real state of his affairs.

PUBLIC OFFICE, LUDGATE HILL.

1st September, 1820. "WHEREAS {084}that well known old established Public House, (formerly a _free_ house) called the Political House that Jack built, has been feloniously entered into and damaged, and the property therein carried off to a large amount, by a numerous gang of desperate Villains, who, by various vile arts and contrivances, have not only kept possession thereof, but also of the Head Waiter, who was intrusted by Mr. Bull, the owner, with the management of the concern, and was a very promising young man when Mr. Bull first knew him, and might have done very well if he had followed the advice of his old friends, and not suffered these desperadoes to get him into their clutches; since when he seems to have forgotten himself, and by neglecting his duty sadly, and behaving ill to the customers who support the House, has almost ruined the Business, and has also dreadfully injured the Sign, which Mr. Bull had had fresh painted after he dismissed a former waiter for his bad manners. Whoever will assist Mr. Bull in bringing the offenders to Justice, will be doing a great service to the young man, and he will still be retained in his situation, unless he has actually destroyed or made away with the Sign, which Mr. Bull very much admires, it being a _heir-loom_. If offered to be pawned or sold it is requested the parties may be stopped, and notice given as above. As the young man has not been seen for some time, there is no doubt the ruffians have either done him a serious mischief, or secreted him somewhere to prevent Mr. Bull, who is really his friend, from speaking to him.

"What are you at? what are you after?"

The End.

THE POLITICAL SHOWMAN-AT HOME!

{085}

EXHIBITING HIS CABINET OF CURIOSITIES AND CREATURES--ALL ALIVE!

By The Author Of The Political House That Jack Built.

With Twenty-Four Cuts.

"The putrid and mouldering carcase of exploded Legitimacy."

LONDON:

PRINTED FOR WILLIAM HONE, 45, LUDGATE-HILL.

1821.

ONE SHILLING.

[Ilustration: 095]

THE SHOWMAN.

Ladies {087}and Gentlemen,

Walk up! walk up! and see the Curiosities and Creatures--all {088}alive! alive O! Walk up I--now's your time!--only a shilling. Please to walk up!

Here is the strangest and most wonderful artificial Cabinet in Europe!--made of nothing--but lacker'd brass, turnery, and papier mâche--all fret work and varnish, held together by steel points!--very crazy, but very curious!

Please to walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen--it's well worth seeing! here are the most wonderful of all wonderful Living Animals. 'Jake care! Don't go within their reach-they mind nobody but me! A short time ago they got loose, and, with some other vermin that came from their holes and corners, desperately attacked a Lady of Quality; but, as luck would have it, I, and my (four and twenty men,' happened to come in at the very moment;--we 'pull'd' away, and prevented'em from doing her a serious mischief. Though they look tame, their vicious dispositions are unchanged. If any thing was to happen to me, they'd soon break out again, and shew their natural ferocity, i'm in continual danger from'em myself--for if I didn't watch'em closely they'd destroy me. As the clown says, 'there never was such times,'--so there's no telling what tricks they may play yet.

Ladies and Gentlemen,--these animals have been exhibited at Court, before the King, and all the Royal Family! Indeed His Majesty is so fond of'em that he often sees'em in private, and feeds'em; and he is so diverted by'em that he has been pleased to express his gracious approbation of all their motions. But they're as cunning as the old one himself! Bless you, he does not know a thousandth part of their tricks. You, Ladies and Gentlemen, may see'em just as they are!--the Beasts and Reptiles--all alive! alive O! and the Big Boo by--all a-light! a-light O!

Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen! walk in! just a-going to begin.--Stir'em up! Stir'em up there with the long pole!

Before I describe the Animals, please to look at the Show-Cloth opposite:

The Curiosities have labels under them, which the company can read.

{089}

THE TRANSPARENCY, of which this is a copy, was exhibited by WILLIAM HONE duriNg the ILLUMINATION commencing on the 11th, and ending on the 15th of November, 1820,in celebration of the VICTORY obtained by ThE PRESS, or the LIBERTIES OF THE PEOPLE, which had been assailed in the Person of The Queen: The words "TRIUMPH OF THE PRESS," being displayed in variegated lamps as a motto above it. On the 26th, when The Queen went 10 St. Paul's, it was again exhibited with Lord Bacon's immortal words, "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER," displayed in like manner.--'The Transparency was painted by Mr. GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

--COURT VERMIN that buzz round

And fly-blow the King's ear; make him suspect
His wisest, faithfullest, best counsellors--

Who, for themselves and their dependants, seize
All places, and all profits; and -who wrest,

To their own ends, the statutes of the land,
Or safely break them.

Southey's Joan of Arc.

DIALOGES OF CREATURES MORALYSED.

PROLOGE.

To exalt virtue, expose vice, promote truth, and help men to
serious reflection, is my first moving cause and last
directed.
De Foe's Review, Preface.

----Oh that I dared

To basket up the family of plagues
That waste our vitals; peculation, sale
Of honour, peijury, corruptiou, frauds
By forgery, by subterfuge of law,

By tricks and lies---

Then cast them, closely bundled, every brat

At the right door!
Cowper.

"JUGLATOR REGIS." Strutt's Sports

---a most officious Drudge,

His face and gown drawn out with the same budge,

His pendant Pouch, which is both large and wide,

Looks like a Letters-patent:------

He is as avful, as he had been sent

From Moses with the eleventh commandement.

Corbet's Poems, 1672, p. 3.

{092}

BAGS.--_(a Scruple Balance.)_

-----'tis the veriest madness, to live poor,
And die with _Bags_----

Gifford's Juvenal, Sat. xiv.

Dubius is such a _scrupulous_ good man.--
Yes--you may catch him tripping, if you can!
He would not, with a peremptory tone,
Assert the nose upon his face his own.
With hesitation, admirably slow,
He humbly hopes--presumes--it may be so.
Through constant dread of giving truth offence,
He ties up all his hearers in suspense!
His sole opinion, whatsoe'er befall,
Cent'ring, at last, in having--none at all.

Cowper.

Well! he is a _nimble_ gentleman; set him upon Bankes, his horse, in a saddle rampant, and it is a great question, which part of the Centaur shews better tricks.

{093}

A CROCODILE.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I begin the Exhibition with the Crocodile, which is of the Lizard tribe ; yet, from his _facility of creeping through narrow and intricate ways,_ he has been classed among Serpents. * He has a monstrous appetite, his _swallow_ is immense, and his legs are placed _side_-ways. It is a vulgar error to suppose that he cannot _turn_; for, although he is in appearance very heavy, and his back is very strong, and proof against the hardest blows, yet he is so _pliable_, that he can _wheel_ round with the utmost facility. When in his haunt, and apparently torpid, he sometimes utters a piteous _whine_ of distress--almost human; _sheds tears_, and, attracting the unwary, suddenly darts upon a man, and gorges him with all he has. His _claws_ are very long and tenacious. If a victim eludes his grasp, he infallibly secures him by his fleet power. He is sometimes used for purposes of _state and show_, and his bags are much coveted for their _peculiar_ qualities. **

* By Linnaeus.

** Goldsmith's Animated Nature, v. 283.

{094}

A MASK.--(an Incrustation--a Relique.)

A shallow brain behind a serious mask,
An oracle within an empty cask,
A solemn fop.--
--A sooty Film.
Cowper.

----------The Thing on Earth
Least qualified in honour, learning, worth,
To occupy a sacred, awful post,
In which the best and worthiest tremble most.
The royal letters are a thing of course,
A King, that would, might recommend his horse;
And deans, no doubt, and chapters, with one voice,
As bound in duty, would confirm the choice.

****

A piece of mere Church-furniture at best.

{097}

THE LOCUST.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Locust is a destructive insect, of the Grillus tribe. They are so numerous, and so rapacious, that they may be compared to an army, pursuing its march to devour the fruits of the earth, as an instrument of _divine displeasure_ towards a devoted country. They have leaders, who direct their motions in preying on the labours of man _in fertile regions_. No insect is more formidable in places where they breed: for they _wither_ whatever they _touch_. It is impossible to recount the _terrible devastations_ which historians and travellers relate that they have committed at different times, in various parts of the world. Many are so _venomous_, that persons _handling_ them are immediately stung, and seized with shivering and trembling; but it has been discovered that, in most cases, their hateful qualities are completely assuaged by _palm_ oil.*

* Goldsmith, vi. 21.

{096}

A SCORPION.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Scorpion is a reptile that resembles the _common lobster_, but is much more hideous. They are very terrible to mankind, on account of their size and malignity, and their large _crooked stings_. They often assault and kill people in their houses. In Italy, and some other parts of Europe, they are the greatest pests of mankind; but their venom is most dreadful in the _East_. An inferior species sally forth at certain seasons, in battalions;--scale houses that stand in the way of their march;--wind along the course of rivers;--and on their retreat entrench themselves. Scorpions are so irascible, that they will attempt to sting a _constable's staff_; yet even a harmless little mouse * destroyed three of them, _one after the other_, by acting on the _defensive_, survived their venomous wounds, and seemed pleased with its victory. When in a confined space, they exert all their rage against each other, and there is nothing to be seen but universal carnage. If this mutual destruction did not prevail, they would multiply so fast as to render some countries uninhabitable. **

* Confined for the sake of experiment in a vessel, by
Maupertuis.

** Goldsmith, v. 428.

{097}

THE LOBSTER.

----they preferre
Broiles before Rest, and place their Peace in Warre.

Du Bartas

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Lobster is very similar to the scorpion. It is _armed_ with _two_ great _claws_, by the help of which it moves itself _forwards_. They _entrench_ themselves in places that can be easily defended, where they acquire defensive and offensive _armour_. They issue forth from their _fortresses_ in hope of _plunder_, and to surprise such inadvertent and weak animals as come within their reach. They have little to apprehend except from each other, the more powerful being formidable enemies to the weaker. They sometimes continue in the same habitations for a long time together; in general they get _new coats once a year_. When in _hot water_ they make a great noise, attack any one that puts a hand towards them, and knowing their danger, use violent efforts to escape. In a sufficient heat they _change their colours_.*

* Goldsmith, v. 163.

{098}

A PRIME CRUTCH.--

(From the Westminster Infirmary--Upper Ward).

He fondly 'imitates' that wondrous Lad,
That durst assay the sun's bright flaming team;
Spite of whose feeble hands, the horses mad
Fling down on burning earth the scorching beam;--
So made _the flame in which himself wasfired_;
The World the bonfire was--_when_ he _expired!_*
Like him of Ephesus, he had what he desired.

Fletcher's Purple Island.

* The 'Lad' died in the midst of war, ejaculating heaven to
save the country from the miseries of his system of misrule.

{099}

THE OPOSSUM.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is a _quick climbing_ animal; but is, in other respects, _heavy_ and helpless. When it is pursued on _level ground_ and overtaken, it feigns itself dead, to deceive the hunters. A faculty in its _seat_, enables it to suspend itself from a high branch, by that part, for a long time together; and, in this position, watching for whatever is weak that comes within its reach, it falls upon it and usually destroys it. By this elevating power in its _nether end_, it not only seizes its prey more securely, but preserves itself from pursuers: looking down on them, in a sort of _upright_ position, heels upwards. It is very domesticated, but proves a disagreeable inmate, from its _scent_; which, however fragrant in _small_ quantities, is uniformly ungrateful when _copiously_ supplied. _It is a boroughing creature_. *

* Goldsmith, iii. 322 Stedman Shaw's Zoology

{100}

----Knaves, who, in truth's despite,
Can white to black transform, and black to white!

Gifford's Juvenal, Sat. iii.

When they were fewer, men might have had a Lordship safely conveyed to them in a piece of parchment no bigger than your hand, though several sheets will not do it safely in this wiser age.--Walton's Angler

They'll argue as confidently as if they spoke gospel instead of law; they'll cite you six hundred several Precedents, though not one of them come near to the case in hand; they'll muster up the authority of Judgments, Deeds, Glosses, and Reports, and tumble over so many dusty Records, that they make their employ, though in itself easy, the greatest slavery imaginable; always accounting that the best plea which they have took most pains for.--Erasmus of Folly, 96.

In other countries, they make laws upon laws and add precepts upon precepts, till the endless number of them makes the fundamental part to be forgotten; leaving nothing but a confused heap of explanations, which may cause ignorant people to doubt whether there is really any thin» meant by the laws or not.--Berkeley's Gaudentio di Lucca, 166.

In the country of the Furr'd Law-cats, they gripe all, devour all, cooskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least notice of right or wrong: for among them vice is called virtue; wickedness, piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice: Plunder is their motto; and all this they do, because they dare. Gripe-men-all, the Chief of the Purr'd Law-cats, said to Pantagruel 'Our Laws are like cobwebs; your silly little flies are stopt, caught, and destroy'd therein, but your stronger ones Break them, and force and carry them which way they please. Don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets tc snap up your great Robbers aod tyrants: no, they are somewhat too hard for us, there's no meddllng with them; for they will make no more of us, than we make of the little ones.'-- Rabelais, b. v. c. xi. xii.

{101}

BLACK RATS.--(Stuffed.)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

These are most pernicious animals. They borough, and prey on our food, drink, clothing, furniture, live-stock, and every convenience of life; furnishing their residences with the plunder of our property. They have particular haunts, to which they entice each other in large numbers, for the sake of _prey_; where they often do incredible damage to our _mounds_, and undermine the strongest _embankments_. Sometimes they hoard their plunder in _nests_, that they make at a distance from their usual _places of congregating. * They are very bold and fierce. Instead of waiting for an attack, they usually become the aggressors, and, _seizing their adversaries by the lips_, inflict dangerous, and even deadly wounds. While they subsist on our industry, and increase our terrors, they make no grateful returns, and, therefore, mankind have studied various ways for diminishing their numbers; but their _cunning_ discovers the most distant danger, and if any are disturbed or attacked, in an unusual manner, the rest take the alarm, and, becoming exceedingly shy, and wary, elude the most ingenious devices of their pursuers. When, unhappily, you come in contact with one of these _vermin_, the best way of dispatching it is by a single squeeze; but novices who hesitate, are sure to prove sufferers. They have been found on a bench, so _interwoven_ by their tails, that _by reason of their entanglement, they could not part. ** A dead rat, _by altering the look of his head and the appearance of his skin_, may be transformed into the appearance of a much more _powerful_ animal; and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, _has been considered a master piece in cheating._***

* White's Selborne, 4to. 75.

** Letters from Bodleian Library, i. 12.

*** Ibid.ii. 160, note. See also Goldsmith, iii. 169.

{102}

A CADGE ANCHOR.--(a Remora--a sucking Fish.)

What have we here? a man or a fish? A Fish: he _smells_ like a fish ; a very _ancient_ and fish-like smell; a kind of, not of the newest, Poor John. Were I in England now (as once I was) and had but this fish painted, not a holiday fool there but would give a piece of silver: _there_ would this monster make a man; any _strange beast_ there makes a man. His gabbling voice is to utter foul speeches, and to detract. He is as disproportioned in his manners, as in his shape. As with age his body grows uglier, his mind cankers.

* Caliban.

{103}

A WATER SCORPION.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This offensive insect lives in _stagnant_ waters, continually watching for prey. Its feelers resemble the claws of a scorpion; the eyes are _hard and prominent_, the shoulders _broad and flat_. It wastes twenty times as much as its appetite requires; one can destroy thirty or forty of the libellula kind, each as large as itself. It is nevertheless greatly overrun with a small kind of lice, which probably repay the injuries it inflicts elsewhere. At certain seasons it flies to _distant waters_ in search of food; but it remains where it was produced until fully grown, when it sallies forth in search of a companion of the other sex, and soon begets an useless generation.*

* Martyn's Diet. Nat. Hist. 2 vols, Folio, 1785.

He that maketh the wound bleed inwards--
Gives Liberty the last, the mortal shock;
Slips the slave's collar on, and snaps the lock.

What is his Character?-- A man of amiable Manners-- mild and civil.

Character of the Murderer of the Man.

I never judge from Manners, for I once had my pocket picked by the civilist gentleman I ever met with; and one of the mildest persons I ever saw was Ali Pacha.--Lord Byron.

{104}

DIRKPATRICK.

(a Petrified Putrefaction.--a Bloodstone.}

Moral.

I recommend it to all that read this History, that when they find their lives come up, in any degree, to a similitude of cases, they will inquire and ask themselves, is not this the time to repent?--De Foe's Col. Jack, 1723, p. 399

{105}

THE BLOODHOUND.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is the most terrible animal in the Collection. Its character is that of decided _enmity to man_; it hunts down those who endeavor to regain their _Liberty_, and is called the _Ban_ Dog. When it scents a human victim it follows his track with cruel perseverance, flies upon him with dreadful ferocity, and, unless dragged off, tears and rends the form until every noble feature of humanity is destroyed. It has an exquisite smell for blood. The species vary little throughout the world : there is scarcely any difference between the trans-atlantic _Spanish_ blood-hound and the _Irish_ wolf-dog, whose ferocity has been much diminished by the animal being frequently _crossed_. It is still kept on some of the old _royal grounds_.

{106}

THE DOCTOR.--(a Dejection)

In these days the grand "_primum mobile_" of England is CANT--Cant political, Cant religious, Cant moral, but always CANT--a thing of words, without the smallest influence upon actions; the English being no wiser, no better, and much poorer, and more divided among themselves, as well as far less moral, than they were before the prevalence of this _Verbal Decorum._--Lord Byron on Mr. Bowles

Diary.--April 1st. I grew _melancholy_.--My father lying sick, told me, in syllables, the _Philosopher's stone_.--It pleased God to put me in mind that I was now placed in the condition I always desired.--I hung three spiders about my neck (_for a charm_).--I kissed the king's hand.--_Cotera desunt._--Elias Ashmole's Diary.

.
{107}

THE BOOBY.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The _Creature_ you now see is a sort of _Noddy_ of the Gull kind. Observe his uncouth form and his ludicrously wise looks! He is the most stupid of the _feathered_ tribe; yet he has a _voracious_ appetite, and an enormous swallow. You perceive that he feigns the appearance of being _upright_, of seeming to comprehend objects he sees, of listening to what he hears, and that he shakes his head with _gravity_, as though he had a certain degree of understanding. His greatest pleasure is in _standing still._ He has not sense enough to _get out of People's way_ ; speaking to him or making _motions_ never disturb him. There is no compelling him to the fatigue of _changing_ his position till he feels a _blow_; for he keeps his place till he is approached quite close, and _knocked down_. He is a living _full stop_. When he is _forced to walk_, which is very seldom, he goes from _side to side_. Like others of similar tribes, he boroughs. In this respect the union and affection of these _Creatures_ towards each other is wonderful; for, when undisturbed by the encroachments of _men_, they construct their _nests_ as convenient as if they expected them to be _permanent_; arranging their different places with such an amazing degree of uniformity, as to resemble a _regular plantation_. Sometimes they draw up side by side, in rank and file, and sit brooding together as if in deep counsel, on affairs of moment--their _silliness_ and _solemnity_ exciting involuntary _laughter!_ This _burlesque_ takes place, in particular, about

{108}the month of _November_. The habits of these tribes are known through those who visit the haunts they have forsaken for more obscure _retreats_, where they can _build aloft_, and settle in their _nests_ at ease: a practice which confirms the remark of a great naturalist, that the presence of _men_ not only destroys the society of the _meaner_ animals, but even extinguishes their _grovelling_ instincts. Hitherto the Booby has been considered of no service whatever; yet a similar species, * by drawing a wick through the body and lighting it, is made into a _candle_S. ** If this Booby could be thus used, the _illumination of_ both Houses and the public offices might be speedily effected, and the tribe he belongs to be rendered available to human purposes. At any rate a skilful tallow-chandler might try his hand at converting the _Creature_ into A TWOPENNY FLAT

{109}

THE SLOP PAIL.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The "Slop Pail" being occupied by "Slop" keeping his _tri-colored_, cockade in it, with the hope of bleaching it _white_, has become more and more offensive daily, and will be kicked down.

The {110}GREAT BOOTS having been _out of order_, were _welted_, and afterwards new _vamped, and polished._ Dr. Southey, _the Varnisher_, has them in hand at present, and is '_doing them up_' as fast as possible.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I thank you for your company. Opposite to you is a description of The Monster that my people are now _hunting_ on the Continent. When _destroyed_, its skin will be stuffed and preserved among the other Antiquities and Curiosities in the _European Museum_.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish you _a good day.-- Keep_ to the right. Walk steadily forward. The _Animals_ may make an _uproar_, but don't be alarmed; I'll see you safe out. Remember they are _under my control_, and cannot take a step beyond the reach of MY EYE

{111}

THE BOA DESOLATOR, OR LEGITIMATE VAMPIRE.

It overlays the continent like an ugly Incubus, sucking the blood and stopping up the breath of man's life. It claims Mankind as its property, and allows human nature to exist only upon sufferance; it haunts the understanding like a frightful spectre, and oppresses the very air witha weight that is not to be borne. Hazlitt's Political Essays and Characters, p. 21.

This hideous Beast, not having at any time put forth all his _members_, cannot be accurately described. Every _dark_ Century has added to his frightful bulk. More disgusting than the filthiest reptile, his strength exceeds all other _brute force_.

His enormous, bloated, toad-like body is _ferruginous: * the under surface appears of _polished steel_. His cavern-like mouth is always open to devour; his teeth are as _swords_, and his jaw-teeth as knives'--as millions of _bristling bayonets_ intermingled with _black fangs_ containing mortal venom. His roar is a voice from the sepulchre. He is marked 'in form of a cross_, ** with a series of _chains_, intersected by the triangle, *** and glittering colours, variegated with _red_.

His aspect is cruel and terrible. He loves the _dark_, but never sleeps. Wherever he makes his lair, nature sickens, and man is brutified. His presence is 'plague, pestilence, and famine, battle, and murder, and sudden death.' His bite rapidly _undermines the strongest_ Constitution, and dissolves the whole into an entire mass of Corruption. He has no _brain_, but the _walls_ of the skull emit a _tinkling_ sound, that attracts his victims, and lulls them into _passive obedience_. In this state he clutches them in his coils, and _screws and squeezes_ them to destruction--_slavering_ them over, and sucking in their _substance_ at leisure. It is difficult to witness the half-stifled cries of his harmless prey, or to behold its anxiety and trepidation, while the monster writhes hideously around it, without imagining _what our own case would be in the same dreadful situation._ *****

* Shaw's Zoology. Art. Boa, iii. 344.

** Ibid. 366.

*** Linnæus's Nat. Hist, by Gmelio, 8vo. (Jooes) 1816.
Art. Boa Constrictor, xii. 437.

**** Shaw's Zoology, iii. 339.

***** Macleod's Wreck of the Alceste, 291, 295.

His rapacity is increased by _indulgence_. He grinds, cranches, and devours whole multitudes, without being satisfied. His blood is cold. His ravening maw does not digest: it is an ever-yawning grave that _engulphs_--a 'bottomless pit' continually crying '_give, give!_' Sometimes he rests {112}from his labors,' to admire his loathsome _limbs_, and _slime_ them over. He has no affections: yet he appears charmed by the _hum_ of the insects that follow him, and pleased by the _tickling crawl_ of the meanest reptiles-permitting them to hang upon his lips, and partake of his leavings. But his real pleasure is in listening to the cries of his captives, the wail of the broken hearted, and the groans of the dying.

He lives in defiance and scorn of Providence, and in hatred to the happiness of man. When distended with human carnage, and wet with the gore of the innocent and the helpless, he lifts an impious _form_ to heaven in solemn mockery. He was predicted of by the Seer of old, as the Beast with many heads and crowns, bearing the name of Blasphemy.

The garish _colours_ that denote his malignity, excite only horror and detestation in the lover of nature, and of his species. They are most _lively_ when he is engaged in the work of death, and cause him to be admired by the vulgar multitude, learned and unlearned, who hold him _sacred_, pay him _divine honors_, call him _holy_, and fall down before him as an object-of worship, while priests glorify him, and minister to him, and pray for his murderous successes in the temples. Hence-the good and the wise, in all ages, have devised and practised various methods for the destruction of a Fiend that creates nothing but _terror and imposture_, and between whom and rational man there is a natural antipathy.

He is filled with the deadliest rage by the encreasing growth of the _pop'lar Tree_S:--

THAT TREE, beneath whose shade the Sons of Men
Shall 'pitch their tenta in peace.

----Brissot murder'd, and the blameless wife
Of Roland! Martyr'd patriots, spirits pure,
Wept by the good, ye fell! Yet still survives,
Sown by your toil, and by your blood manured,
The imperishable TREE; and still its roots
Spread, and strike deep. ----

Southey's Joan of Arc, b. iii.

His existence is drawing to a close. It has been ascertained that the way of putting him _quietly_ out of the world is by a consisting of the _four and twenty letters_ * of the alphabet, properly _composed_, made up in certain _forms_, covered with sheets of white _paper_. and well _worked_ in a _Columbian_ Press. These Papers are to be _forced down his throat_ {113}daily, _morning and evening_, and on every _seventh_ day a _double_ dose should be administered. The operation is accelerated by the powerful _exhibition_ of the Wood Draughts. In a short time his teeth will fall out--he will be seized with catalepsy--in the last stage of mortification, _he will_ sting himself _to death_;--and all mankind, relieved from the deadened atmosphere under which they had been _gasping_, will make the first use of their _recovered breath_, to raise an universal shout of joy at the extinction of THE LEGITIMATE VAMPIRE.

* Philostratus relates that the Indians destroy the most
monstrous serpent by spreading _golden_ letters, on a field
of _red_, before his hole. They dazzle and confound him, and
he is taken without difficulty.

These Lords of pray'r and prey--that _band_, of Kings,
That Royal, rav'ning BEAST, whose vampire wings
O'er sleeping Europe treacherously brood,
And fan her into dreams of promised good,
Of Hope, of Freedom--but to drain her blood! Moore.

The End.

CATALOGUE

{114}

{115}

{116}

{117}

THE MAN IN THE MOON,

"If Caesar can hide the Sun with a blanket, or put the Moon in his pocket, we will pay him tribute for light."--Cymbeline.

With Fifteen Cuts.

{118}

------"Is there not
Some hidden thunder in the stores of heaven,
Red with uncommon wrath, to blast the men
Who owe their greatness to their country's ruin

{120}

Dedicated

THE MAN IN THE MOON,

A SPEECH FROM THE THRONE, TO THE SENATE OF LUNATARIA