Chapter III: Part 3

But I’m in love with Gerald. I’m not in love with you. I shall never be in love with you.

BLENKINSOP.

You owe me something for all the agony you’ve made me endure. Dot, remember that licence. It was bought in jest, but the Archbishop of Canterbury was in earnest.

MRS. DOT.

But my dear James, for heaven’s sake be reasonable. You know just as well as I do that you’re not a marrying man.

BLENKINSOP.

Give me the chance, and you’ll see.

MRS. DOT.

I’m sure you wouldn’t like me. I’m horrid really.

BLENKINSOP.

I know that you’re full of faults, but, bless you, I love them all.

MRS. DOT.

I’ve got a beastly temper.

BLENKINSOP.

I dote upon you when I see your eyes flash with anger.

MRS. DOT.

I’m awfully extravagant, and if the Government brings in temperance legislation I shall be ruined.

BLENKINSOP.

I’m rich. I should look upon it as the greatest happiness to spend my last penny to gratify your smallest wish.

MRS. DOT.

I won’t marry you. I won’t marry you. I won’t!

BLENKINSOP.

Dot, Dot!

[_He catches her in his arms and kisses her. At this moment_ GERALD
_comes in_, MRS. DOT _breaks away from_ BLENKINSOP. _There is an
awkward pause._

MRS. DOT.

[_To_ GERALD.] I thought you were on the river.

GERALD.

Hang the river!

[_She goes to the door, which_ BLENKINSOP _opens for her. She goes
out. As_ AUNT ELIZA _follows, he speaks to her in a low tone_.

BLENKINSOP.

There’s passion for you.

AUNT ELIZA.

You brutes, you can all do it. You positively made my heart beat.

[_She goes out._

GERALD.

What did Miss MacGregor say?

BLENKINSOP.

A vague suggestion of bigamy if I understood correctly.

GERALD.

[_Frigidly._] I’m afraid I came at an inopportune moment.

BLENKINSOP.

It appears to be one of your happy little ways.

GERALD.

Every one seems to kiss every one else in this house.

BLENKINSOP.

[_With effrontery._] You have only to envelop Lady Sellenger in your arms, and the picture will be complete.

GERALD.

Would you kindly explain this incident?

BLENKINSOP.

If you’ll allow me to say so, I really can’t see that it’s any business of yours.

GERALD.

[_Hotly._] Look here, Blenkinsop, you’ve got no right to play your fool-tricks with Mrs. Dot. She’s a very excitable and thoughtless woman. She’s....

BLENKINSOP.

Well?

GERALD.

Oh, damn you!

BLENKINSOP.

Not at all, not at all.

GERALD.

[_Angrily._] What the deuce is the meaning of all this tomfoolery?

BLENKINSOP.

[_Blandly._] I suppose you couldn’t be a little more civil, could you?

GERALD.

Look here, Blenkinsop, the best thing you can do is to receive a telegram that requires your immediate presence in town.

BLENKINSOP.

Thanks very much, but I’m extremely comfortable down here.

GERALD.

You’d be rather surprised if I threw you out of the window, wouldn’t you?

BLENKINSOP.

I should not only be surprised, but I should look upon it as an odious familiarity.

GERALD.

Would you like to know my private opinion of you?

BLENKINSOP.

Spare me my blushes, dear boy. It always embarrasses me to be flattered to my face.

GERALD.

You silly old fool.

BLENKINSOP.

I believe you’re considerably annoyed.

GERALD.

Not in the least. What the dickens is there about you that should annoy me?

BLENKINSOP.

Now that I come to think of it, you are certainly in a passion. Your face is red, your attire is disordered, and you have a slight squint in your eye.

GERALD.

My dear fellow, if I hadn’t the best temper in the world, I should kick you.

BLENKINSOP.

You’d far better go and lie down. You’ll only say something which you’ll regret.

GERALD.

I suppose you’re not for a moment under the impression that Mrs. Dot cares twopence about you.

BLENKINSOP.

May I ask how that can in the least concern you?

GERALD.

Mrs. Dot is an old friend of mine. I’m not going to see her made ridiculous by a conceited nincompoop.

BLENKINSOP.

By the way, has it slipped your memory that you’re engaged to Miss Sellenger?

GERALD.

Good Lord, no!

BLENKINSOP.

I daresay you wish it had.

GERALD.

That’s a confounded impertinent thing to say.

BLENKINSOP.

My dear fellow, I never saw any one with less common sense in my life. Surely it’s not very extraordinary that the same tender passion which inflames the chaste breasts of yourself and Miss Sellenger, should attack the equally chaste breasts of myself and Mrs. Worthley.

GERALD.

Don’t talk such twaddle.

BLENKINSOP.

I suppose you’d be considerably astonished if I told you that I’d just asked Mrs. Dot to be my wife.

GERALD.

She must have screamed with laughter.

BLENKINSOP.

You noticed her unconcealed hilarity when you came in.

GERALD.

[_Going up to him quickly._] You don’t mean it!

BLENKINSOP.

No man is quite safe from the toils of women till he’s safely in his grave. And even then a feminine worm probably makes a dead set at him.

GERALD.

And does Mrs. Dot--reciprocate your affection?

BLENKINSOP.

Really you ask me a very delicate question.

GERALD.

By the great Harry, the man thinks she’s in love with him.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Rather indignant._] And pray, why shouldn’t she be just as much in love with me as with you?

GERALD.

[_With a burst of laughter._] Ha, ha, ha.

BLENKINSOP.

What the blazes are you laughing at?

GERALD.

Ha! ha! ha!

BLENKINSOP.

Shut up, you blithering idiot!

GERALD.

[_Still laughing._] She _has_ made a fool of you. Ha! ha! ha! [_Seriously._] And did you really think any woman would care for you? My poor Blenkinsop! My poor, poor Blenkinsop!

BLENKINSOP.

You’re a jackanapes, sir, you’re an impudent jackanapes. And why not, pray?

GERALD.

[_Furiously._] Because you’re revolting to look upon, and your conversation is inexpressibly tedious.

BLENKINSOP.

It’s charming of you to say so.

GERALD.

If you want to marry any one, marry Lady Sellenger.

BLENKINSOP.

You are evidently under the impression that if a woman can’t be so fortunate as to marry you, she had far better retire into a nunnery.

GERALD.

You’re a cantankerous cynic and a fatuous donkey.

BLENKINSOP.

I like the delicacy with which you express your appreciation of my merits.

GERALD.

Listen to me, Blenkinsop! Clear out of the house before you make a greater mess of things than you have already. Mrs. Dot would as soon marry her groom as marry you.

BLENKINSOP.

You think it’s quite impossible that she should ever have dreamt of such a thing?

GERALD.

Not only impossible, but grotesque.

[BLENKINSOP _goes to the drawer in which is the licence and takes
it out_.

BLENKINSOP.

Perhaps, then, it would interest you to inspect this document.

[GERALD _takes it and looks at it, dumfounded_.

GERALD.

It’s a special licence.

BLENKINSOP.

So much less bother than banns, you know.

GERALD.

James Blenkinsop.

BLENKINSOP.

And Frances Annandale Worthley.

GERALD.

It’s a mistake! It’s all a preposterous mistake.

BLENKINSOP.

You see, the Archbishop of Canterbury calls me his right well-beloved brother. Friendly, isn’t it?

[GERALD _violently tears it in pieces and flings them on the
ground_. BLENKINSOP _gives a sigh of relief_. GERALD _stalks out of
the room into the garden_. BLENKINSOP _goes to the door and waves
his hand at him_. MRS. DOT _comes in. She has discovered that_
BLENKINSOP _has been making a fool of her_.

BLENKINSOP.

He’s torn up your precious licence.

MRS. DOT.

[_Quickly._] Which one?

BLENKINSOP.

Ours, of course. Three guineas gone bang, my dear.

MRS. DOT.

[_Counting on her fingers._] I’m reckoning how many bottles of beer the British public will have to drink for us to buy another.

BLENKINSOP.

But your refusal of my hand will happily prevent you from going to that expense. Thereby considerably forwarding the cause of temperance.

MRS. DOT.

[_With an assumption of overwhelming gravity._]

James, I have been thinking over all you said, and I am willing to marry you.

BLENKINSOP.

[_A chill going down his spine._] I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I cannot accept this sacrifice.

MRS. DOT.

It is no sacrifice when I think that I can make you happy.

BLENKINSOP.

But you mustn’t think of me. It’s your happiness that we have to consider. Don’t let a momentary impulse ruin your whole life.

MRS. DOT.

I’ve thought it over very carefully. I cannot resist your passionate pleading.

BLENKINSOP.

I will not be outdone in generosity. You have refused me. I accept your refusal as final.

MRS. DOT.

I never realised that your nature was so great and tender. Every word you say makes me more determined to devote my life to your happiness.

BLENKINSOP.

My dear Dot, much as I appreciate the beauty of your sentiments, I must confess that I could never marry a woman who did not love me.

MRS. DOT.

[_As though she were struggling with her modesty._] I see that you want to force from me the avowal that is so hard to make. Oh, you men!

BLENKINSOP.

Good God, you don’t mean to say you’re in love with me?

MRS. DOT.

[_Languishing._] James. Is it so very wonderful?

BLENKINSOP.

Half an hour ago you said you couldn’t stand me at any price.

MRS. DOT.

It’s a woman’s privilege to change her mind. The passion which you threw into your proposal has completely changed me. I am touched by the vehemence with which you flung your heart at my feet. I have struggled, but I cannot resist. Take me in your arms, James, and never let me go.

BLENKINSOP.

Dot, I have a confession to make to you. I didn’t mean a word I said.

MRS. DOT.

Ah, James, do not jest.

BLENKINSOP.

I assure you I’m perfectly serious. You taunted me that I couldn’t make love, so I just let myself go to show you I could. I daresay it was a silly joke, but it certainly was a joke.

MRS. DOT.

[_Unmoved._] James, every word you say increases my admiration for you. I can’t think now how I was ever blind to your great affection.

BLENKINSOP.

But don’t you hear what I say?

MRS. DOT.

Do you think you can take me in so easily?

BLENKINSOP.

You don’t believe me?

MRS. DOT.

Not a word.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Thoroughly alarmed._] Now, look here. I don’t love you, I’ve never loved you, and I never shall love you. I can’t put it any clearer than that.

MRS. DOT.

[_With rapture._] God, how he adores me!

BLENKINSOP.

I say, look here, this is a bit too thick.

MRS. DOT.

I know you only say these cruel things because you think I should be throwing myself away on you.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Huffily._] I don’t know about that.

MRS. DOT.

You cannot bear to think that I should accept you from pity. But it isn’t that, James. You are handsome and noble and chivalrous. How shouldn’t a woman love you?

BLENKINSOP.

I repeat that I do not reciprocate your passion.

MRS. DOT.

You can’t deceive me so easily as that, James. I _know_ you love me. We women have such quick intuitions.

BLENKINSOP.

So you always say.

MRS. DOT.

I see you simply quivering with restrained emotion. Oh, James, James, you’ve made me so happy.

[_She flings herself on his bosom and pretends to burst into
tears._

BLENKINSOP.

I say, take care. Supposing somebody saw us.

MRS. DOT.

I should like all the world to see us.

BLENKINSOP.

But it’s devilish compromising.

MRS. DOT.

I want to compromise myself. Only thus can I make you certain of my love. Oh, think of the many happy years we shall spend in one another’s arms, James.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Extricating himself from her embrace._] Is there nothing I can say to undeceive you?

MRS. DOT.

Nothing! I am yours till death.

BLENKINSOP.

I will never give way to my sense of humour again.

MRS. DOT.

[_Archly._] Do you mind if I leave you just for one minute? After so much agitation I must really go and powder my nose.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Ironically._] Pray don’t let me detain you.

MRS. DOT.

Remember I am yours till death.

BLENKINSOP.

It is very good of you to say so.

[_She goes out. He rings the bell impatiently._ THE BUTLER _comes
in_.

BLENKINSOP.

Tell my servant I want him.

[THE BUTLER _goes out_. BLENKINSOP _walks up and down, wringing his
hands_. THE SERVANT _enters_.

George, pack up my things at once and get the motor. There’s not a moment to lose.

GEORGE.

Are you going away, sir?

BLENKINSOP.

[_Flying into a passion._] You blithering fool, do you suppose I should want my things packed if I were staying? I’m going abroad to-night.

GEORGE.

Very well, sir.

BLENKINSOP.

You must take the train and go to Cook’s at once and get some tickets.

GEORGE.

Very well, sir. Where to, sir?

BLENKINSOP.

Don’t argue, sir, but do as I tell you.

GEORGE.

I must know where to get the tickets for, sir.

BLENKINSOP.

Oh, what it is to have a fool for a servant! Take a month’s notice. I dismiss you. Where to, sir? Anywhere, sir? Somewhere that’s a damned long way off. South Africa! I’ll go and shoot lions in Uganda. And if there isn’t a boat sailing at once, I’ll go to America and shoot grizzlies in the Rocky Mountains.

GEORGE.

Very dangerous climate, sir.

BLENKINSOP.

Dangerous climate, sir? I would have you know it’s not half such a dangerous climate as the valley of the Thames.

GEORGE.

Very good, sir.

[_He goes out._ MRS. DOT _comes in_. _At the sight of her_
BLENKINSOP _at once cools down_.

MRS. DOT.

James, dear, did I hear you give orders for your things to be packed up?

BLENKINSOP.

[_Calmly._] No, my love. What could have put such an idea in your head?

MRS. DOT.

You wouldn’t leave me--darling?

BLENKINSOP.

My angel, nothing now shall tear me from your side.

MRS. DOT.

Dearest!

BLENKINSOP.

[_Trying to restrain himself._] Pet!

[_He goes into the garden._ MRS. DOT _begins to laugh_. FREDDIE
_comes in, with letters in his hand_.

FREDDIE.

I say, I wish you’d just have a look at these letters.

MRS. DOT.

Oh, yes. I want to have a little talk with you, Freddie. [_She takes one of the letters and reads._] “I am directed by Mrs. Worthley to congratulate you on the recent addition to your family, but to express her regret that she cannot accede to your request.” How brutal you are, Freddie! Surely Mrs. Murphy is an old friend.

FREDDIE.

I looked her out in my note-book. Six months ago we sent her fifteen pounds because she had nine children. Now she has eleven.

MRS. DOT.

And yet they complain that the birth-rate is falling. I think we’d better send her five pounds.

FREDDIE.

You really can’t encourage a woman who has twins twice a year, when her husband is not only bed-ridden but a hopeless lunatic.

MRS. DOT.

Perhaps she _is_ a little prolific.

FREDDIE.

Here is my answer to Mrs. MacTavish, who wants help to bury a husband.

MRS. DOT.

Poor thing! You’d better send her ten pounds.

FREDDIE.

I’ve answered: “Madam, I regret to see that this is the third time you have lost your husband within two years. The mortality among the unhappy gentlemen on whom you bestow your hand is so great that I can only recommend you in future to remain a widow. Yours faithfully, Frederick Perkins.”

MRS. DOT.

[_Reading a letter which he hands to her._] “I am pleased to hear that the wooden leg for which Mrs. Worthley paid for last year has proved satisfactory, but I cannot recommend her to provide you with another. To lose one leg in a railway accident is a misfortune, but to lose a second in a colliery explosion points to carelessness.” That’s not original, Freddie.

FREDDIE.

I’m so hard up, I can only afford to make other people’s jokes.

MRS. DOT.

[_With a shrewd look at him._] Freddie, I’ve been exceedingly pleased with your behaviour during the last week. I’ve watched you carefully, and I’m glad to see that you’ve done all that was possible to destroy poor Nellie’s affection for you.

FREDDIE.

[_Gravely._] I’ve tried to do my duty.

MRS. DOT.

I know. And in recognition of this I want you to accept a little present. Where is my cheque-book?

FREDDIE.

[_Producing it promptly._] Oh, no, really, I shouldn’t like you to do anything of the sort. [_Putting it in front of her, and giving her a pen._] I feel that I’m amply paid for all that I do for you. I simply can’t accept anything more.

MRS. DOT.

I was afraid you would object.

[_She writes, and he watches her carefully._

FREDDIE.

Five hundred pounds. Oh, you are a ripper! But why on earth do you give me that?

MRS. DOT.

It may be useful to you. Suppose you had an idea of getting married, for instance, it would be very convenient to have a sum like that in your pocket.

FREDDIE.

But I’m not thinking of getting married.

MRS. DOT.

Aren’t you? I suppose you know that when you do, I’m proposing to give you two thousand a year.

FREDDIE.

I say, that’s awfully good of you.

[_He takes the cheque and gloats over it._ MRS. DOT _quickly takes
a special licence out of the drawer and puts it on the table_.

MRS. DOT.

Now I’m going for a turn in the garden.

FREDDIE.

You are a brick.

[_She goes out. As soon as he sees the coast is clear, he gives a
peculiar whistle._ NELLIE _comes in_.

NELLIE.

I thought your whistle was never coming. They wanted me to go on the river. I had to invent all sorts of excuses.

FREDDIE.

I don’t know how it is, but somehow we never manage to get a minute by ourselves.

NELLIE.

It’s perfectly maddening. What a good idea it was of yours to meet in the garden after they’d all gone to bed.

FREDDIE.

Was it my idea? I always thought it was yours!

NELLIE.

[_With wounded dignity._] It’s not likely I should have proposed a thing like that.

FREDDIE.

No, it isn’t likely.

NELLIE.

I’m perfectly distracted. If you only knew how that man bores me!

FREDDIE.

I can’t think what you ever saw in him.

NELLIE.

I was never really fond of him, you know. I only accepted him because he was so desperately in love with me, and mamma wouldn’t hear of it.

FREDDIE.

When did you first know that you cared for me?

NELLIE.

Oh, I don’t know. I think as soon as ever I found out you were in love with me.

FREDDIE.

[_Rather taken aback._] Oh!

NELLIE.

When did you begin to love me?

FREDDIE.

Well, you know, I was awfully flattered by your caring for me.

NELLIE.

Oh!... [_There is a pause._] I don’t think I quite understand.

FREDDIE.

[_Opening his arms._] Darling!

NELLIE.

[_Cuddling in them._] Oh, it makes me feel so delightfully wicked. I know I oughtn’t to let you kiss me. I know it’s treachery to poor Gerald.

FREDDIE.

He isn’t worthy of you.

NELLIE.

He simply worships the ground I tread on. I am a perfect beast.

FREDDIE.

We’re treating him shamefully.

NELLIE.

I shall never forgive myself.

FREDDIE.

Poor Gerald.... He is an ass, isn’t he?

NELLIE.

Oh, awful.

[_They both go into shrieks of laughter._

NELLIE.

Take care!

[MRS. DOT _comes in with flowers in her hands_.

MRS. DOT.

Did I leave my scissors here? Just see if you can find them, Freddie. Perhaps they’re in the next room. [_He goes out._] I wonder if I left them on the writing-table.

[NELLIE _looks, sees the licence, starts, and turns round to hide
it_.

NELLIE.]

[_Agitated._] No, there’s nothing here at all.

[FREDDIE _comes in with the scissors_.

FREDDIE.

Here they are!

MRS. DOT.

Thanks so much.

[_She goes out._

NELLIE.

Freddie, how could you be so incautious? It was only by the greatest presence of mind that I was able to hide it.

FREDDIE.

What _do_ you mean?

NELLIE.

You ought to have told me. I don’t think it was nice of you to get a licence without saying a word to me about it. I think it was a great liberty.

FREDDIE.

A licence?

NELLIE.

You must know that I can’t marry you. Nothing will induce me to break my promise to Gerald. I’m very angry with you.

FREDDIE.

I haven’t the least idea what you’re talking about.

NELLIE.

How can you tell such stories?

[_She hands him the licence. He stares at it, utterly astonished._

FREDDIE.

Where did you find this?

NELLIE.

It was lying on the writing-table. I suppose you’re not going to deny all knowledge of it. [_He stares at it still._] Freddie, how bold of you! But you really couldn’t imagine for a moment that I’d consent to run away with you. Oh, Freddie, I’m so flattered. How you must love me!

FREDDIE.

[_To himself._] Two thousand a year! [_He takes the cheque from his pocket and looks at it. Suddenly light dawns on him. He puts cheque and licence back into his pocket._] It’s fairly clear that a licence couldn’t have got there by itself.

NELLIE.

What on earth made you think of sending for it?

FREDDIE.

[_Brazenly._] I thought it was the only way to win you.

NELLIE.

Have you had it long?

FREDDIE.

It only arrived this morning. Look here, why shouldn’t we bolt? You don’t care a straw for Gerald, and you do care for me.

NELLIE.

It would break his heart. I couldn’t, I couldn’t! Besides, where are we to bolt to? I daren’t. Mamma would never forgive me.

FREDDIE.

You see, with this we can be married anywhere. Let’s jump into the motor and go down to my father near Oxford. We shall arrive by dinner-time, and he’ll marry us to-morrow morning.

NELLIE.

You don’t mean to say your father’s in the Church?

FREDDIE.

Of course he’s in the Church. I was most careful in my choice of a parent.

NELLIE.

Oh, how clever of you to have a father who’s a clergyman! You think of everything, Freddie.

FREDDIE.

Look here, there’s not a minute to waste. Will you risk it?

NELLIE.

No, no, no! Freddie, how can you ask me such a thing.... I’ll just go and put on my hat.

FREDDIE.

You brick.

[_She runs out. He walks up and down excitedly. The servants bring
in the tea._ NELLIE _comes back with her hat on_.]

FREDDIE.

Hurry up!

NELLIE.

This _is_ romance, isn’t it?

[_They go to the door that leads into the garden, hand in hand.
They are confronted by_ LADY SELLENGER _and_ GERALD, BLENKINSOP
_and_ MISS MACGREGOR.

LADY SELLENGER.

Where are you going in such a hurry?

NELLIE.

[_Promptly._] We were just going to call you all in to tea.

[MRS. DOT _comes in_.

MRS. DOT.

I’ve just had the motor brought round in case any one would like to go out.

[_She goes to the writing-table to see if the licence has been
removed. They all sit down and have tea._

LADY SELLENGER.

Nellie, my love, I’ve been discussing a very important matter with Gerald.

MRS. DOT.

I know. You asked him to name the day.

LADY SELLENGER.

I feel that I have no right to restrain any longer the very natural impatience of these young things.

NELLIE.

[_Aghast._] And what did Gerald say?

LADY SELLENGER.

He wishes to leave it entirely to you.

NELLIE.

I’m sure that’s very obliging of him.

GERALD.

Not at all.

MRS. DOT.

Of course, he’s all eagerness.

GERALD.

[_Grimly._] Yes.

NELLIE.

I would much sooner--let Gerald fix it at his own convenience.

LADY SELLENGER.

I think it’s delightful, the way they give in to one another.

GERALD.

We shall only bore Mrs. Dot if we discuss the matter now.

LADY SELLENGER.

We’re all old friends here. I’m sure Mrs. Dot will help us with her advice.

MRS. DOT.

My own opinion is, that in these matters the sooner the better.

BLENKINSOP.

When you have to take a pill the best thing is to swallow it down without thinking.

LADY SELLENGER.

Cynic! What do you say to six weeks from to-day?

NELLIE.

That would suit me beautifully.

GERALD.

Then there’s no more to be said.

LADY SELLENGER.

What a beautiful thing love is!

[NELLIE _gets up_.

NELLIE.

[_To_ FREDDIE.] Are you coming?

FREDDIE.

Certainly.

LADY SELLENGER.

[_Surprised._] Where are you going, Nellie?

NELLIE.

Mr. Perkins has promised to take me for a little drive in the motor. I feel it’s the only thing to send away my headache.

LADY SELLENGER.

[_In an undertone._] My darling, is this wise? Remember the feelings of this poor young man.

NELLIE.

[_Also in an undertone._] I thought you’d like an opportunity of talking privately to Gerald.

LADY SELLENGER.

Why, darling?

NELLIE.

Dear mamma, the settlements.

LADY SELLENGER.

[_Smiling affectionately._] You sweet, practical child! You’ll be your own mother again at my age.

NELLIE.

May I go then?

LADY SELLENGER.

Do. But don’t be away very long.

NELLIE.

[_Kissing her._] Good-bye, mamma.

[_She goes out with_ FREDDIE. _Almost immediately the sound of a
motor-horn is heard, as they drive away._

LADY SELLENGER.

The dear child, she has such a sweet, trusting nature. You must kiss me, too, Gerald!

GERALD.

I shall be delighted, I’m sure.

[_She puts up her cheek, which he kisses. A_ SERVANT _comes in with a note_.

SERVANT.

Miss Sellenger told me to give you this at once, Madam.

MRS. DOT.

Oh. [_She opens it and gives a cry._] Good heavens! Oh, the deceitful wretch! Lady Sellenger, how shall I tell you? It’s from Nellie.

LADY SELLENGER.

From Nellie!

MRS. DOT.

[_Reading._] “Dear Mrs. Dot, I’m just off to marry Freddie. Break it to Mamma gently.”

LADY SELLENGER.

[_Starting up._] Impossible! Stop them! Stop them! Where are they?

MRS. DOT.

[_Reading._] “I couldn’t marry Gerald. He’s too great a”--there’s a word in big letters. I never could read capitals.

[_She hands the note to_ GERALD.

GERALD.

The word is “B. O. R. E.”

MRS. DOT.

[_Pretending to be much surprised._] Bore!

BLENKINSOP.

[_With immense satisfaction._] Bore!

AUNT ELIZA.

[_Meditatively._] Bore!

LADY SELLENGER.

Oh, how monstrous! My poor Gerald, what shall I do?

[GERALD _goes into a roar of laughter. He laughs louder and
louder._

LADY SELLENGER.

Gerald! Gerald! Don’t! Pull yourself together. The poor boy, he’s perfectly hysterical. Where are my salts? Mrs. Dot, for heaven’s sake calm him down. Oh, my dear! You mustn’t upset yourself yet.

BLENKINSOP.

He looks cut up, doesn’t he?

LADY SELLENGER.

We’ll pursue them. There’s no harm done yet. We’ll catch them. I promise you we’ll catch them. You shall marry her, Gerald, if I have to drag her to church by the hair of her head.

[_At this he stops suddenly and stares at her in dismay._

GERALD.

What are you going to do?

LADY SELLENGER.

We must chase them. Where’s your motor, Mr. Blenkinsop? Didn’t you tell me it was the fastest machine in England?

BLENKINSOP.

I did say something of the sort.

LADY SELLENGER.

We shall catch them up. Gerald, you must drive me. I can’t trust any one else to go fast enough.

MRS. DOT.

But you don’t know which way they’ve gone.

LADY SELLENGER.

Don’t be so silly. Of course they’ve gone to Brighton. When people elope they always go to Brighton.

[MRS. DOT _slips out of the room_.

GERALD.

And what’ll you do if we come up to them? You can’t force them to come back.

LADY SELLENGER.

If a woman can’t force her daughter to marry any man she chooses, I don’t know what the English nation is coming to.

GERALD.

I won’t marry the girl against her will.

LADY SELLENGER.

Fiddlededee! Of course you’ll marry her. Who is this creature she’s run away with? Perkins! Perkins with a P. I never heard anything so ridiculous. Do you suppose my daughter is going to be Mrs. Perkins--Perkins with a P?

BLENKINSOP.

You couldn’t very well spell it with a W could you?

LADY SELLENGER.

Hold your impudent tongue, sir!

GERALD.

Now, let’s have this out and be done with it. I’m no more in love with Nellie than she is with me, I was going to marry her because I’d promised to, and it seemed a low down trick to draw back....

LADY SELLENGER.

The man’s mad. The shock has turned his brain.

GERALD.

When I heard she’d bolted, I could have jumped for joy. I seem to have awaked out of a ghastly nightmare. Nothing will induce me to try and catch her up.

LADY SELLENGER.

You monster! How dare you trifle with the affections of my daughter! You don’t mean to stand by and see her marry a man called Perkins!

GERALD.

I wouldn’t even mind if she married a man called Vere de Vere.

LADY SELLENGER.

Very well, then, the chauffeur shall drive me. You’re a heartless brute. Perkins with a P. And penniless to boot.

[_She flounces out of the room and bangs the door._

GERALD.

Where’s Mrs. Dot?

[_He goes into the garden._

BLENKINSOP.

What a charming mother-in-law that woman will make!

[MRS. DOT _comes in with a large kitchen knife in one hand and a
poker in the other_.

MRS. DOT.

I’ve done it!

BLENKINSOP.

Done what?

MRS. DOT.

Lady Sellenger thinks she’s going in your motor, but she isn’t.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Starting up._] What have you done to my motor?

MRS. DOT.

As soon as she talked of it, I ran to the kitchen and seized this knife and I seized this poker.

BLENKINSOP.

Woman!

MRS. DOT.

I’ve ripped up all the tyres, they’re simply in ribands, James.

BLENKINSOP.

Good Lord!

MRS. DOT.

I don’t know what I’ve done to the steering gear, but I know it’ll never work again. Oh, it’s in an awful state.

BLENKINSOP.

But that’s a bran-new motor. I’ve just paid eighteen hundred pounds for it.

MRS. DOT.

And so that there shouldn’t be any risk I opened the place where the works are, and I rummaged around with the poker. I _think_ I’ve smashed everything.

BLENKINSOP.

Oh! Oh!

[_He buries his head in his hands._

MRS. DOT.

The thing’s a wreck and a ruin. You should have seen the tyres go flop, flop, flop.

BLENKINSOP.

But I’m going to race next week.

MRS. DOT.

It’ll be impossible to move it for a month. It _is_ in a state.

BLENKINSOP.

Eighteen hundred pounds!

MRS. DOT.

I don’t know how much it’ll cost to put right. You don’t mind, James, do you?

BLENKINSOP.

Mind!

MRS. DOT.

I shouldn’t like you to be cross with me.

BLENKINSOP.

[_Furiously._] Oh!

MRS. DOT.

You won’t let this disturb your affection for me? Remember that you’re going to marry me.

BLENKINSOP.

Marry you. I’d rather marry my cook.

[_He flings out of the room._

MRS. DOT.

[_Looking after him, innocently._] He _is_ in a temper, isn’t he? It’s very hard to please everybody in this life.

AUNT ELIZA.

You’re quite incorrigible.

MRS. DOT.

Would you mind taking these implements away? I’m really very tired.

AUNT ELIZA.

I suppose breaking motors is rather hard work.

MRS. DOT.

And you get very little thanks for it.

[AUNT ELIZA _goes out_. MRS. DOT _sinks into a chair, with a sigh
of relief_. GERALD _comes in. She realises that he is behind her,
but pretends not to notice him. He comes up softly._

GERALD.

Dot!

MRS. DOT.

[_Pretending to start._] Oh, how you frightened me! You might remember that my nerves are in a very agitated state.

GERALD.

You asked me a question a little while ago. I can answer it now.

MRS. DOT.

I’m so sorry, I’ve quite forgotten what it was. It can’t have been of the smallest importance.

GERALD.

You asked me if I loved you.

MRS. DOT.

How absurd! And do you?

GERALD.

With all my heart, and I’ve loved you passionately from the first moment I saw you.

MRS. DOT.

With never a day off?

GERALD.

With never a day off. I wanted to tell you every minute, and yet I couldn’t be such a cad.

MRS. DOT.

[_Sarcastically._] It’s awfully nice of you to say all this, and I can’t tell you how flattered I am.

GERALD.

Dot!

MRS. DOT.

Only it’s rather late in the day. I’ve promised my hand and heart to James Blenkinsop.

GERALD.

Fiddle!

MRS. DOT.

[_Raising her eyebrows._] I beg your pardon?

GERALD.

[_Firmly._] Fiddle!

MRS. DOT.

Are you under the delusion that because a happy chance has freed you from a previous engagement, I’m going to seize the opportunity and leap into your arms?

GERALD.

You know, women are brutes. One tries to do the straight thing and behave more or less like a white man, and they make you feel as if you’d been an utter beast.

MRS. DOT.

Do you know why Nellie jilted you? Because you’re a bore.

GERALD.

[_Smiling._] I daresay I’m very stupid. I suppose that’s why I love you so much.

MRS. DOT.

My dear Gerald, you were cured of your passion for Nellie in a month. I have no doubt that a week in Paris will make your heart whole once more.

GERALD.

[_Calmly._] Are you packing me off by any chance?

MRS. DOT.

Marked--damaged.

GERALD.

[_With his tongue in his cheek._] Then Good-bye!

MRS. DOT.

_Bon voyage._

[_He turns to go and walks slowly to the door. She seizes a cushion
and throws it at him, then turns her back on him. He stops, picks
up the cushion and gravely brings it to her._

GERALD.

I think you dropped something.

MRS. DOT.

[_Gravely._] Thank you.

[_He looks at her, with a smile. She begins to laugh. Suddenly he
takes her in his arms._

GERALD.

You silly little fool.

THE END