Chapter IV: Act III

SCENE.—_Lawn of the “High Up Farm.” Same as Act II, save
that the table is spread for “Tea.”_

_Enter_ PERCY. _Looks about searchingly._

PERCY. I am too late, I see. I guess, by the shouting, and the loud talk I heard, something must have happened. They must have chased the tramp. Well, I wonder how Miss Renwick liked the artist she was so anxious to meet? I hope she won’t show up while I am here. If she does it might be a little awkward. But I have it! I’ll let Helen introduce me as Mr. Roamer, if she does come. I have as much right to take the tramp’s name as he had to take mine. That will be all right. I’ll speak to Helen about it right away. (_Looks at paint cans and overalls._) I may as well put these things out of sight. Perhaps Trotwell Roamer will come back and get them later. (_Picks up paint cans and overalls and starts to_ C.)

_Enter_ HIRAM _and_ HICKORY HOMESPUN, L.

HIRAM. Well, Hick, if you make up your mind to take that cow you can have her for forty dollars. She’s dirt cheap at that, an’ I wouldn’t think of selling her if——Hello! (_Sees_ PERCY _standing near_ C., _with paint cans and overalls in his hands_.) So you’ve got here, have you?

PERCY. Why—er—yes. You are Mr. Rodney, Helen’s father, are you not?

HIRAM. That’s right. Have you seen her yet?

(_Means the boat that is to be painted._)

PERCY. Yes, sir, I have seen her.

HIRAM (_thinking_ PERCY _is surely the painter sent over by Jim Styles to paint the boat_). Well, what do you think of her? Are you going to start in to-day? It seems a little late. But maybe you’ve just brought over your paint, so you can start in the first thing in the morning.

PERCY (_looking at what he has in his hands, and very much confused_). Why, I—er——

HIRAM. That’s all right. To-morrer mornin’ will do. I guess she can wait till that time. But say, young feller, you must go easy when you tip her over, ’cause her stays might break. They’re pretty old, and I don’t want to put no more expense on her than I kin help.

PERCY (_aside_). Heavens! What is the man driving at? He must be crazy! To speak of his own daughter in this way! What does it mean?

(_Backs toward_ R., _still holding cans and overalls_.)

HIRAM. Where are you goin’? Come on over to the lake, and we’ll look her over together. (_Turns to_ HICK.) You come, too, Hick.

HICK. Certain I will, Hiram.

PERCY (_much confused_). I—er—think there must be some mistake.

HIRAM. Mistake, eh? Well, I guess not. You was sent for, wasn’t you?

PERCY. Yes, but——

HIRAM. Maybe you don’t like the looks of her.

PERCY. Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Rodney. She is the nicest——

HICK. (_laughing heartily_). He ain’t much of a judge, is he, Hiram?

HIRAM. Well, I don’t know. He looks as though he ought to know a good model from a bad one. But say. (_Nods to Percy._) If you feel like it, and think it ain’t too late, you might start in to scrapin’ the paint off her sides right now. You’ll find she’s pretty well roughed up; but you can fix that all right. You’ll have to go a bit careful when you come to the waist. She’s been layin’ on one side so long that I s’pose the sun has done some damage. Most likely she’s blistered a little.

PERCY. Blistered!

HICK. Blistered, of course. There ain’t nothing strange about that, is there?

HIRAM. Jim Styles told you it was to be white outside and yaller inside, didn’t he?

PERCY (_stepping back and turning to audience_). Ah! Now I know there is a mistake. He does not refer to his daughter at all. (_To_ HIRAM.) Pardon me, Mr. Rodney, but to whom or what are you referring?

HIRAM (_turning to_ HICK. _and showing surprise_). Well, what do you think of that, Hick?

HICK. Must be a born fool.

HIRAM. He don’t know what he was sent over here for, it seems.

HICK. Seems not. (_Nods head gravely._) He don’t look like a painter, anyhow, Hiram.

HIRAM. But he’s got everything with him to do the job.

PERCY. I did not come here to do any work. These things (_setting them down near_ C.) belong to another party. I just picked them up to set them aside as you came here. I am not a painter, but an artist.

HICK. Well, I swan!

HIRAM (_showing surprise_). So you didn’t come here to paint our boat, then?

PERCY (_much relieved_). I certainly did not, sir.

HIRAM. What did you come here for?

PERCY. I came at the invitation of your daughter Helen.

HIRAM. Jumpin’ bullfrogs! What do you think of that, Hick?

HICK. Sort of a misunderstandin’, it seems. (_He laughs._) He thought you was speakin’ of Helen, and you was meanin’ the old boat all the time. (_Laughs uproariously._) Oh, dear! What a joke.

PERCY. Well, I am very sorry that such a mistake should be made. But I can easily understand now. It is rather unfortunate, but no harm has been done.

HIRAM. Not as I knows of, young fellow. So Helen invited you to come over, did she?

PERCY. Yes, she did.

HIRAM. Well, I reckon I had better call her out, then. (_Calls to_ R.) Helen! Helen!

HEL. (_unseen by audience_). What is it, father?

HIRAM. You’re wanted here right away.

_Enter_ HEL., R. PERCY _hurries to meet her_.

PERCY (_sotto voce_). Introduce me as Mr. Roamer. The Peach might come back and spoil things, you know.

HEL. (_sotto voce_). All right, Percy, I understand. (_Then to_ HIRAM.) Well, father?

HIRAM. This young man came over to see you, he says.

HEL. Yes, I know. Let me introduce you to him, father. (_Turns to_ PERCY.) Mr. Roamer, this is my father. (PERCY _and_ HIRAM _shake hands_. HEL. _to_ HICK.) Mr. Homespun, let me make you acquainted with Mr. Roamer, the painter—(_becoming confused_) or artist, which? (_Looks at_ PERCY.)

PERCY (_laughingly_). Which, I guess. (_Shakes with_ HICK.)

HICK. What do you think, Helen? Your father was talkin’ about havin’ his boat scraped an’ painted, an’ this young man thought he was meanin’ you all the time. Funny mistake, wasn’t it? (_Laughs heartily._)

HEL. I should say it was a funny mistake, Hick. How did it happen, father?

HIRAM. Well, I was expectin’ a painter to come over to paint the boat white outside and yaller inside, an’ when I seen this young man standin’ here with them things (_pointing to cans and overalls_) in his hands, I thought he was the man. I didn’t know he had come over on an invite from you. But (_looking at the table_) what’s goin’ on, anyhow? What have you got the table set outside for?

HEL. Oh! we are going to have a little party. Mother thought it would be a good idea to have some company over, so the new boarder wouldn’t be lonesome. (_Turns to_ HICK.) The widow is here, too, Hick.

HICK. (_looking around in a startled way_). Where is she, Helen?

HEL. (_laughing_). Around somewhere. We are going to have a very nice time, I am sure.

HICK. (_edging toward_ C.). I’m goin’ home.

HIRAM (_catching him by the arm_). No, you don’t, Hick! You ain’t afraid of the widder any more than I am. You are goin’ to stay right here an’ have tea with us. Besides, I want to sell you that cow before you go home.

HICK. Well, I’ll take her, Hiram.

HEL. (_laughing_). The widow, Hick?

HICK. (_excitedly_). No! The cow, I mean. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’.

(_Tries to go again, but is restrained by_ HIRAM.)

HIRAM. Now, see here, Hick Homespun. The trouble with you is that you’re a lot too bashful. You know well enough that you ought to have somebody around that nice little home of yours to cook your meals an’ fetch your slippers for you nights when you come in after doin’ a hard day’s work. There’s the Widder Wheatchaff for you, Hick! She’s a fine little woman, an’ I happen to know that she thinks a powerful lot of you, too.

HICK. (_becoming interested_). How do you know that?

HIRAM. Well, I reckon I’ve got eyes an’ ears. (_Slaps_ HICK, _on the back_.) Come! brace up, old feller. You wasn’t born to die an old bachelor.

(PERCY _and_ HEL. _are conversing in whispers and getting
along nicely_.)

HICK. (_meditating for a moment_). Well, I’ll take her. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’.

HIRAM. Good enough! I’ll tell her just as soon as she comes out.

HICK. (_protestingly_). No, no! I mean the cow.

HEL. Tell the cow, then, father.

(_All laugh but_ HICK.)

_Enter_ BILL, C., _mopping face with bandana_.

BILL. Whew! If that wasn’t a run! I never had so much fun in my life! Can’t that city gal run, though! Why, she went through the corn-field like a two-year-old heifer on the rampage! That artist wasn’t no match for her at all. But he might have got away if he hadn’t stumbled an’ hit his head agin a pile of fence rails. She’s got him! Lucinda is helpin’ her bring him back. There’s goin’ to be a breach of promise suit. Wow!

(_Does a tumbling act, or anything comical or ridiculous,
laughing uproariously._)

HIRAM (_surprised and angered_). What in thunderation is the matter with the boy?

HICK. Acts as though he’s been took with a fit.

HEL. (_taking_ HIRAM _by the sleeve_). I think I know what is the matter, father. It seems that our boarder made an appointment with some man she had never seen in her life, though she had corresponded with him, of course. He proposed to her, and when he found she was willing to consider it he changed his mind and tried to get away. She gave pursuit, and Bill and Lucinda, who happened to be here, helped her catch him. Miss Renwick is anxious to marry some one, and after corresponding with the man she set her cap for him before she had even seen him. Mother and I came out on the porch in time to hear the last of it. Don’t interfere, father. Let them bring the man here. I am sure you will laugh when you understand what a joke it is.

HIRAM (_looking at_ HICK.). Well, I swan!

HICK. So do I, Hiram.

BILL (_getting upon his feet_). Me, too!

PERCY (_whispering in_ HIRAM’S _ear_). You understand, Mr. Rodney.

HIRAM. Well, I’ll be gum-swizzled! If that don’t beat all.

HICK. (_looking toward_ C.). Here they come now. (_Edges away._) I guess I’ll be goin’. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’, Hiram.

HIRAM (_catching him_). No, you won’t, Hick. You kin take her home to-night.

HICK. You’ll have to lend me a rope, then.

HIRAM (_laughing_). Oh, you won’t need no rope—not for the widder.

BILL. Might need one to hang himself with after he gits her.

(_Laughs boisterously and executes funny business._)

PERCY (_to_ HEL.). A sort of roping-in game, I think.

HEL. It surely is.

_Enter_ SUSAN, R. _Excited voices outside at_ C.

SUSAN. What’s going on here? What does all this excitement mean, anyhow?

HEL. (_running to_ SUSAN). Mother, the joke is not over with yet. It seems that Miss Renwick took it seriously, and she has caught the tramp. She is fetching him here, and Lucinda is helping her. Bill says it is a case of a breach of promise suit.

SUSAN. Well, I never! That girl must be a fool.

HEL. She wants a man, mother.

SUSAN (_shaking her head_). Well, she must want one pretty bad, then.

HEL. Now remember, mother, Percy is supposed to be Mr. Roamer.

SUSAN. And the tramp is supposed to be Mr. Heartache?

HEL. Of course. He introduced himself that way, so it will remain so until Miss Renwick gets enough of it.

(HIRAM _and_ BILL _are holding_ HICK. _so he cannot escape_.
PERCY _looks on smilingly. Loud voices outside_, ROAM.
_calling out excitedly: “Stop! Stop! I want to get away from
here!”_)

PERCY (_running to_ C.). What does this mean?

_Enter_ HAT. _and_ LUC., C., _dragging_ ROAM. _with them_.

LUC. The base deceiver!

HAT. (_letting go of_ ROAM. _and wringing her hands excitedly_). Oh! Oh!

HIRAM. That must be the man Styles sent over to paint the boat.

ROAM. (_eagerly_). I’m the man, boss. Just get me away from these women and I’ll go right to work.

LUC. (_letting go her hold upon_ ROAM., _and looking surprised_). But he proposed to Miss Renwick, Hiram.

ROAM. That was a joke. (_Looks at_ PERCY, _who shakes finger warningly_.) I found a letter she had written to some one, and I made out I was the man. I’m only a common tramp painter. She don’t want me for a husband, unless she feels like earning the livin’.

HAT. (_throwing up her hands and staggering about as though she is going to fall_). Oh! I shall faint—I know I will. Somebody catch me—quick!

HICK. (_starting forward to catch her_). Don’t fall, miss.

LUC. (_grabbing_ HICK. _by the collar and pulling him back_). Let her fall, if she wants to. The first thing you know she will be trying to make you propose to her.

HICK. (_meekly_). All right, Lucinda.

HAT. (_making another stagger about_). Oh! Oh! I know I shall faint.

(_She falls and_ BILL _catches her and carries her to a bench_.)

BILL (_soothingly_). That’s all right, Peach. I’ll marry you when I git big enough. You don’t want no lazy tramp for a husband.

HAT. (_rousing up and becoming indignant_). The idea! Who said I wanted to marry any one? Why, I wouldn’t marry the best man living!

LUC. (_to_ HICK., _whom she is still holding_). Good reason, maybe. She couldn’t get you, Hick, and I think you are the best man living.

HICK. (_grinning_). Do you mean that, Lucinda?

LUC. I always say what I mean, Hick Homespun.

HICK. Let’s go look at that cow. [_Exeunt_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L.

BILL (_roaring with laughter_). She’s got him. Hick is a goner!

HAT. (_to_ SUSAN). Mrs. Rodney, I think I will go to my room.

SUSAN (_persuasively_). Don’t do that, Miss Renwick. If there has been a joke played, take it good-naturedly.

HAT. How can I? (_Looks around despairingly._)

HEL. Let me introduce you to Mr. Roamer, Miss Renwick.

HAT. (_bowing stiffly_). Pleased to meet him.

BILL (_coming to_ SUSAN). Is supper ready yet, Missus Rodney?

SUSAN. Not yet, Bill.

BILL. S’pose we have a little dance, then? (_Produces harmonica and clappers._) Take your partners for a quadrille, and look out for paint!

(_Strikes up a lively air—or if he cannot play, the
orchestra does it for him._)

_Enter_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L. _Both are smiling and look happy._

HIRAM (_seizing_ SUSAN). Come on, old gal! We’ll have a little square set right here on the lawn.

(_They take heads for the set._ PERCY _and_ HEL. _take
positions opposite them, and then_ LUC. _pulls_ HICK. _over
and they take one of the sides._)

ROAM. (_as_ PERCY _points to_ HAT.). I suppose we may as well make up the set, Miss Renwick.

(HAT. _permits herself to be led by him to the opposite
side. Then_ BILL _lets himself go and the dance begins_.)

BILL. Salute your partners.

(BILL _calls more figures and then_ ROAM. _breaks away
suddenly and runs off_ C. LUC. _holds tightly to_ HICK.
BILL _backs against table and overturns it. Crash!_)

CURTAIN

By the Author of “Mr. Bob”

THE NEW CRUSADE

A Comedy in Two Acts

_By Rachel Baker Gale_

Twelve females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays one hour and thirty minutes. A very amusing satire of the servant girl question, brimful of telling incidents and effective lines. All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and practically play themselves. Well rehearsed, it is a sure success and goes with a scream. Irish, negro and Swede character parts and a “tough” girl. Strongly recommended for ladies’ clubs. Can be played only on payment of a royalty of $5.00 to the author.

_Price, 25 cents_

CHARACTERS

MISS MORRIS, _nothing if not businesslike_.
MRS. COGSWELL-BROWN, _who believes in coöperative housekeeping_.
MRS. POTTER-HEWITT, _who looks small, but is not_.
MRS. RAYMOND, _who advocates_ “_The New Crusade_.”
MRS. ARCHIBALD TRACEY, _in search of a maid and experience_.
BRIDGETT MAHONEY, _in search of_ “_an ould gintleman_.”
MARY MACGUIRE, _who likes_ “_the theyatre in the winter toime_.”
AUGUSTA OLSEN, _who comes from_ “_Sveden for big monay_.”
CASSIE CLAY, _who never_ “_takes suggestions from anybody_.”
JENNIE BURCH, _who never_ “_has time for afternoon tea_.”
MATILDA JOHNSON, _who likes_ “_slaughtermobiles and a choffer_.”
MERRY, _the settlement girl—who’s always_ “_on de level_.”

COATS AND PETTICOATS

A Comedy in One Act

_By Rachel Baker Gale_

One male (played by a woman), seven females, and if desired, sixteen girls for chorus. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays forty-five minutes. A very lively and amusing piece introducing fancy dresses, music and dancing. All the parts of about equal opportunity. Irish comedy part and two capital “old maids.” Very funny and not difficult. Complete with music for the Suffragettes’ song and march and the Old Maids’ song and march. Very strongly recommended.

_Price, 25 cents_

AN EASY MARK

A Farce in One Act

_By Innis Gardner Osborn_

Five males, two females. Costumes, modern; scene, an easy interior. Plays thirty-five minutes. A side-splitting farce of college life lively enough to suit the most exacting demands. Full of funny incident and telling lines. Burlesque actor and “tough” young man parts; the rest “straight” and all good. Recommended for schools.

_Price, 15 cents._

New Plays

ELMWOOD FOLKS

A Drama in Three Acts

_By Charles S. Bird
Author of “At the Junction,” etc._

Eight males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors, one exterior. Plays a full evening. An easy and very actable piece with an unusually even cast of characters. Clean, wholesome and entertaining; can be recommended for school performance.

_Price, 25 cents_

CHARACTERS

DAVID BAINBRIDGE, _editor of the Elmwood_ “_Item_.”
JAMES WENTWORTH, _an old compositor_.
SQUIRE ALFORD, _a hard man_.
DICK ALFORD, _his stepson, a young lawyer_.
WHITTIER JONES, _a contributor to the_ “_Item_.”
TOMMY GAY, _David’s apprentice_.
MR. PINCH, _an officer_.
A MESSENGER BOY.
MRS. BAINBRIDGE, _David’s wife_.
BESSIE BAINBRIDGE, _their daughter_.
DRUCILLA JONES, _Whittier’s aunt_.
MARY GAY, _Mrs. Bainbridge’s maid_. _Tommy’s sister._

SYNOPSIS