Chapter FIFTY-NINE (5)

'I know not their reasons,' said the girl, 'but so it is; they never sleep beneath a roof unless the weather is very severe. I once heard the mistress say that Peter had something heavy upon his mind; perhaps that is the cause. If he is unhappy, all I can say is, that I wish him otherwise, for he is a good man and a kind--'

'Thank you,' said I, 'I will now depart.'

'Hem!' said the girl, 'I was wishing--'

'What? to ask me a question?'

'Not exactly; but you seem to know everything; you mentioned, I think, fortune-telling.'

'Do you wish me to tell your fortune?'

'By no means; but I have a friend at a distance at sea, and I should wish to know--'

'When he will come back? I have told you already there are two or three things which I do not know--this is another of them. However, I should not be surprised if he were to come back some of these days; I would if I were in his place. In the meantime be patient, attend to the dairy, and read the _Dairyman's Daughter_ when you have nothing better to do.'

It was late in the evening when the party of the morning returned. The farmer and his family repaired at once to their abode, and my two friends joined me beneath the tree. Peter sat down at the foot of the oak, and said nothing. Supper was brought by a servant, not the damsel of the porch. We sat round the tray, Peter said grace, but scarcely anything else; he appeared sad and dejected, his wife looked anxiously upon him. I was as silent as my friends; after a little time we retired to our separate places of rest.

About midnight I was awakened by a noise; I started up and listened; it appeared to me that I heard voices and groans. In a moment I had issued from my tent--all was silent--but the next moment I again heard groans and voices; they proceeded from the tilted cart where Peter and his wife lay; I drew near, again there was a pause, and then I heard the voice of Peter, in an accent of extreme anguish, exclaim, 'Pechod Ysprydd Glan--O pechod Ysprydd Glan!' and then he uttered a deep groan. Anon, I heard the voice of Winifred, and never shall I forget the sweetness and gentleness of the tones of her voice in the stillness of that night. I did not understand all she said--she spoke in her native language, and I was some way apart; she appeared to endeavour to console her husband, but he seemed to refuse all comfort, and, with many groans, repeated--'Pechod Ysprydd Glan--O pechod Ysprydd Glan!' I felt I had no right to pry into their afflictions, and retired.

Now 'pechod Ysprydd Glan,' interpreted, is the sin against the Holy Ghost.

CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR

THE FOLLOWING DAY--PRIDE--THRIVING TRADE--TYLWYTH TEG--ABOUT ELLIS WYN--SLEEPING BARD--THE INCALCULABLE GOOD--FEARFUL AGONY--THE TALE

Peter and his wife did not proceed on any expedition during the following day. The former strolled gloomily about the fields, and the latter passed many hours in the farmhouse. Towards evening, without saying a word to either, I departed with my vehicle, and finding my way to a small town at some distance, I laid in a store of various articles, with which I returned. It was night, and my two friends were seated beneath the oak; they had just completed their frugal supper. 'We waited for thee some time,' said Winifred, 'but, finding that thou didst not come, we began without thee; but sit down, I pray thee, there is still enough for thee.' 'I will sit down,' said I, 'but I require no supper, for I have eaten where I have been': nothing more particular occurred at the time. Next morning the kind pair invited me to share their breakfast. 'I will not share your breakfast,' said I. 'Wherefore not?' said Winifred anxiously. 'Because,' said I, 'it is not proper that I be beholden to you for meat and drink.' 'But we are beholden to other people,' said Winifred. 'Yes,' said I, 'but you preach to them, and give them ghostly advice, which considerably alters the matter; not that I would receive anything from them, if I preached to them six times a day.' 'Thou art not fond of receiving favours, then, young man,' said Winifred. 'I am not,' said I. 'And of conferring favours?' 'Nothing affords me greater pleasure,' said I, 'than to confer favours.' 'What a disposition,' said Winifred, holding up her hands; 'and this is pride, genuine pride--that feeling which the world agrees to call so noble. Oh, how mean a thing is pride! never before did I see all the meanness of what is called pride!'

'But how wilt thou live, friend,' said Peter; 'dost thou not intend to eat?' 'When I went out last night,' said I, 'I laid in a provision.' 'Thou hast laid in a provision!' said Peter, 'pray let us see it. Really, friend,' said he, after I had produced it, 'thou must drive a thriving trade; here are provisions enough to last three people for several days. Here are butter and eggs, here is tea, here is sugar, and there is a flitch. I hope thou wilt let us partake of some of thy fare.' 'I should be very happy if you would,' said I. 'Doubt not but we shall,' said Peter; 'Winifred shall have some of thy flitch cooked for dinner. In the meantime, sit down, young man, and breakfast at our expense--we will dine at thine.'

On the evening of that day, Peter and myself sat alone beneath the oak. We fell into conversation; Peter was at first melancholy, but he soon became more cheerful, fluent, and entertaining. I spoke but little; but I observed that sometimes what I said surprised the good Methodist. We had been silent some time. At length, lifting up my eyes to the broad and leafy canopy of the trees, I said, having nothing better to remark, 'What a noble tree! I wonder if the fairies ever dance beneath it.'

'Fairies!' said Peter, 'fairies! how came you, young man, to know anything about the fair family?'

'I am an Englishman,' said I, 'and of course know something about fairies; England was once a famous place for them.'

'Was once, I grant you,' said Peter, 'but is so no longer. I have travelled for years about England, and never heard them mentioned before; the belief in them has died away, and even their name seems to be forgotten. If you had said you were a Welshman, I should not have been surprised. The Welsh have much to say of the Tylwyth Teg, or fair family, and many believe in them.'

'And do you believe in them?' said I.

'I scarcely know what to say. Wise and good men have been of opinion that they are nothing but devils, who, under the form of pretty and amiable spirits, would fain allure poor human beings; I see nothing irrational in the supposition.'

'Do you believe in devils, then?'

'Do I believe in devils, young man?' said Peter, and his frame was shaken as if by convulsions. 'If I do not believe in devils, why am I here at the present moment?'

'You know best,' said I; 'but I don't believe that fairies are devils, and I don't wish to hear them insulted. What learned men have said they are devils?'

'Many have said it, young man, and amongst others, Master Ellis Wyn, in that wonderful book of his, the _Bardd Cwsg_.'

'The _Bardd Cwsg_,' said I; 'what kind of book is that? I have never heard of that book before.'

'Heard of it before; I suppose not; how should you have heard of it before? By the bye, can you read?'

'Very tolerably,' said I; 'so there are fairies in this book. What do you call it--the _Bardd Cwsg_?'

'Yes, the _Bardd Cwsg_. You pronounce Welsh very fairly; have you ever been in Wales?'

'Never,' said I.

'Not been in Wales; then, of course, you don't understand Welsh; but we were talking of the _Bardd Cwsg_--yes, there are fairies in the _Bardd Cwsg_,--the author of it, Master Ellis Wyn, was carried away in his sleep by them over mountains and valleys, rivers and great waters, incurring mighty perils at their hands, till he was rescued from them by an angel of the Most High, who subsequently showed him many wonderful things.'

'I beg your pardon,' said I, 'but what were those wonderful things?'

'I see, young man,' said Peter, smiling, 'that you are not without curiosity; but I can easily pardon any one for being curious about the wonders contained in the book of Master Ellis Wyn. The angel showed him the course of this world, its pomps and vanities, its cruelty and its pride, its crimes and deceits. On another occasion, the angel showed him Death in his nether palace, surrounded by his grisly ministers, and by those who are continually falling victims to his power. And, on a third occasion, the state of the condemned in their place of everlasting torment.'

'But this was all in his sleep,' said I, 'was it not?'

'Yes,' said Peter, 'in his sleep; and on that account the book is called _Gweledigaethau y Bardd Cwsg_, or, _Visions of the Sleeping Bard_.'

'I do not care for wonders which occur in sleep,' said I. 'I prefer real ones; and perhaps, notwithstanding what he says, the man had no visions at all--they are probably of his own invention.'

'They are substantially true, young man,' said Peter; 'like the dreams of Bunyan, they are founded on three tremendous facts, Sin, Death, and Hell; and like his they have done incalculable good, at least in my own country, in the language of which they are written. Many a guilty conscience has the _Bardd Cwsg_ aroused with its dreadful sights, its strong sighs, its puffs of smoke from the pit, and its showers of sparks from the mouth of the yet lower gulf of Unknown--were it not for the _Bardd Cwsg_ perhaps I might not be here.'

'I would sooner hear your own tale,' said I, 'than all the visions of the _Bardd Cwsg_.'

Peter shook, bent his form nearly double, and covered his face with his hands. I sat still and motionless, with my eyes fixed upon him. Presently Winifred descended the hill, and joined us. 'What is the matter?' said she, looking at her husband, who still remained in the posture I have described. He made no answer; whereupon, laying her hand gently on his shoulder, she said, in the peculiar soft and tender tone which I had heard her use on a former occasion, 'Take comfort, Peter; what has happened now to afflict thee?' Peter removed his hand from his face. 'The old pain, the old pain,' said he; 'I was talking with this young man, and he would fain know what brought me here, he would fain hear my tale, Winifred--my sin: O pechod Ysprydd Glan! O pechod Ysprydd Glan!' and the poor man fell into a more fearful agony than before. Tears trickled down Winifred's face, I saw them trickling by the moonlight, as she gazed upon the writhing form of her afflicted husband. I arose from my seat. 'I am the cause of all this,' said I, 'by my folly and imprudence, and it is thus I have returned your kindness and hospitality; I will depart from you and wander my way.' I was retiring, but Peter sprang up and detained me. 'Go not,' said he, 'you were not in fault; if there be any fault in the case it was mine; if I suffer, I am but paying the penalty of my own iniquity'; he then paused, and appeared to be considering: at length he said, 'Many things which thou hast seen and heard connected with me require explanation; thou wishest to know my tale, I will tell it thee, but not now, not to-night; I am too much shaken.'

Two evenings later, when we were again seated beneath the oak, Peter took the hand of his wife in his own, and then, in tones broken and almost inarticulate, commenced telling me his tale--the tale of the Pechod Ysprydd Glan.

CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE

TAKING A CUP--GETTING TO HEAVEN--AFTER BREAKFAST--WOODEN GALLERY--MECHANICAL HABIT--RESERVED AND GLOOMY--LAST WORDS--A LONG TIME--FROM THE CLOUDS--MOMENTARY CHILL--PLEASING ANTICIPATION

'I was born in the heart of North Wales, the son of a respectable farmer, and am the youngest of seven brothers.

'My father was a member of the Church of England, and was what is generally called a serious man. He went to church regularly, and read the Bible every Sunday evening; in his moments of leisure he was fond of holding religious discourse both with his family and his neighbours.

'One autumn afternoon, on a week day, my father sat with one of his neighbours taking a cup of ale by the oak table in our stone kitchen. I sat near them, and listened to their discourse. I was at that time seven years of age. They were talking of religious matters. "It is a hard matter to get to heaven," said my father. "Exceedingly so," said the other. "However, I don't despond; none need despair of getting to heaven, save those who have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost."

'"Ah!" said my father, "thank God I never committed that--how awful must be the state of a person who has committed the sin against the Holy Ghost. I can scarcely think of it without my hair standing on end"; and then my father and his friend began talking of the nature of the sin against the Holy Ghost, and I heard them say what it was, as I sat with greedy ears listening to their discourse.

'I lay awake the greater part of the night musing upon what I had heard. I kept wondering to myself what must be the state of a person who had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and how he must feel. Once or twice I felt a strong inclination to commit it, a strange kind of fear, however, prevented me; at last I determined not to commit it, and, having said my prayers, I fell asleep.

'When I awoke in the morning the first thing I thought of was the mysterious sin, and a voice within me seemed to say, "Commit it"; and I felt a strong temptation to do so, even stronger than in the night. I was just about to yield, when the same dread, of which I have already spoken, came over me, and, springing out of bed, I went down on my knees. I slept in a small room alone, to which I ascended by a wooden stair, open to the sky. I have often thought since that it is not a good thing for children to sleep alone.

'After breakfast I went to school, and endeavoured to employ myself upon my tasks, but all in vain; I could think of nothing but the sin against the Holy Ghost; my eyes, instead of being fixed upon my book, wandered in vacancy. My master observed my inattention, and chid me. The time came for saying my task, and I had not acquired it. My master reproached me, and, yet more, he beat me; I felt shame and anger, and I went home with a full determination to commit the sin against the Holy Ghost.

'But when I got home my father ordered me to do something connected with the farm, so that I was compelled to exert myself; I was occupied till night, and was so busy that I almost forgot the sin and my late resolution. My work completed, I took my supper, and went to my room; I began my prayers, and when they were ended, I thought of the sin, but the temptation was slight, I felt very tired, and was presently asleep.

'Thus, you see, I had plenty of time allotted me by a gracious and kind God to reflect on what I was about to do. He did not permit the enemy of souls to take me by surprise, and to hurry me at once into the commission of that which was to be my ruin here and hereafter. Whatever I did was of my own free will, after I had had time to reflect. Thus God is justified; He had no hand in my destruction, but, on the contrary, He did all that was compatible with justice to prevent it. I hasten to the fatal moment. Awaking in the night, I determined that nothing should prevent my committing the sin. Arising from my bed, I went out upon the wooden gallery; and having stood for a few moments looking at the stars, with which the heavens were thickly strewn, I laid myself down, and supporting my face with my hand, I murmured out words of horror, words not to be repeated, and in this manner I committed the sin against the Holy Ghost.

'When the words were uttered I sat up upon the topmost step of the gallery; for some time I felt stunned in somewhat the same manner as I once subsequently felt after being stung by an adder. I soon arose, however, and retired to my bed, where, notwithstanding what I had done, I was not slow in falling asleep.

'I awoke several times during the night, each time with the dim idea that something strange and monstrous had occurred, but I presently fell asleep again; in the morning I awoke with the same vague feeling, but presently recollection returned, and I remembered that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost. I lay musing for some time on what I had done, and I felt rather stunned, as before; at last I arose and got out of bed, dressed myself, and then went down on my knees, and was about to pray from the force of mechanical habit; before I said a word, however, I recollected myself, and got up again. What was the use of praying? I thought; I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost.

'I went to school, but sat stupefied. I was again chidden, again beaten, by my master. I felt no anger this time, and scarcely heeded the strokes. I looked, however, at my master's face, and thought to myself, you are beating me for being idle, as you suppose; poor man, what would you do if you knew I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost?

'Days and weeks passed by. I had once been cheerful, and fond of the society of children of my own age; but I was now reserved and gloomy. It seemed to me that a gulf separated me from all my fellow-creatures. I used to look at my brothers and schoolfellows, and think how different I was from them; they had not done what I had. I seemed, in my own eyes, a lone monstrous being, and yet, strange to say, I felt a kind of pride in being so. I was unhappy, but I frequently thought to myself, I have done what no one else would dare to do; there was something grand in the idea; I had yet to learn the horror of my condition.

'Time passed on, and I began to think less of what I had done; I began once more to take pleasure in my childish sports; I was active, and excelled at football and the like all the lads of my age. I likewise began, what I had never done before, to take pleasure in the exercises of the school. I made great progress in Welsh and English grammar, and learnt to construe Latin. My master no longer chid or beat me, but one day told my father that he had no doubt that one day I should be an honour to Wales.

'Shortly after this my father fell sick; the progress of the disorder was rapid; feeling his end approaching, he called his children before him. After tenderly embracing us, he said, "God bless you, my children, I am going from you, but take comfort, I trust that we shall all meet again in heaven."

'As he uttered these last words, horror took entire possession of me. Meet my father in heaven,--how could I ever hope to meet him there? I looked wildly at my brethren and at my mother; they were all bathed in tears, but how I envied them. They might hope to meet my father in heaven, but how different were they from me, they had never committed the unpardonable sin.

'In a few days my father died; he left his family in comfortable circumstances, at least such as would be considered so in Wales, where the wants of the people are few. My elder brother carried on the farm for the benefit of my mother and us all. In course of time my brothers were put out to various trades. I still remained at school, but without being a source of expense to my relations, as I was by this time able to assist my master in the business of the school.

'I was diligent both in self-improvement and in the instruction of others; nevertheless, a horrible weight pressed upon my breast; I knew I was a lost being; that for me there was no hope; that, though all others might be saved, I must of necessity be lost; I had committed the unpardonable sin, for which I was doomed to eternal punishment, in the flaming gulf, as soon as life was over!--and how long could I hope to live? perhaps fifty years; at the end of which I must go to my place; and then I would count the months and the days, nay, even the hours, which yet intervened between me and my doom. Sometimes I would comfort myself with the idea that a long time would elapse before my time would be out; but then again I thought that, however long the term might be, it must be out at last; and then I would fall into an agony, during which I would almost wish that the term were out, and that I were in my place; the horrors of which I thought could scarcely be worse than what I then endured.

'There was one thought about this time which caused me unutterable grief and shame, perhaps more shame than grief. It was that my father, who was gone to heaven, and was there daily holding communion with his God, was by this time aware of my crime. I imagined him looking down from the clouds upon his wretched son, with a countenance of inexpressible horror. When this idea was upon me, I would often rush to some secret place to hide myself; to some thicket, where I would cast myself on the ground, and thrust my head into a thick bush, in order to escape from the horror-struck glance of my father above in the clouds; and there I would continue groaning till the agony had, in some degree, passed away.

'The wretchedness of my state increasing daily, it at last became apparent to the master of the school, who questioned me earnestly and affectionately. I, however, gave him no satisfactory answer, being apprehensive that, if I unbosomed myself, I should become as much an object of horror to him as I had long been to myself. At length he suspected that I was unsettled in my intellects; and, fearing probably the ill effect of my presence upon his scholars, he advised me to go home; which I was glad to do, as I felt myself every day becoming less qualified for the duties of the office which I had undertaken.

'So I returned home to my mother and my brother, who received me with the greatest kindness and affection. I now determined to devote myself to husbandry, and assist my brother in the business of the farm. I was still, however, very much distressed. One fine morning, however, as I was at work in the field, and the birds were carolling around me, a ray of hope began to break upon my poor dark soul. I looked at the earth and looked at the sky, and felt as I had not done for many a year; presently a delicious feeling stole over me. I was beginning to enjoy existence. I shall never forget that hour. I flung myself on the soil, and kissed it; then, springing up with a sudden impulse, I rushed into the depths of a neighbouring wood, and, falling upon my knees, did what I had not done for a long, long time--prayed to God.

'A change, an entire change, seemed to have come over me. I was no longer gloomy and despairing, but gay and happy. My slumbers were light and easy; not disturbed, as before, by frightful dreams. I arose with the lark, and like him uttered a cheerful song of praise to God, frequently and earnestly, and was particularly cautious not to do anything which I considered might cause His displeasure.

'At church I was constant, and when there listened with deepest attention to every word which proceeded from the mouth of the minister. In a little time it appeared to me that I had become a good, very good, young man. At times the recollection of the sin would return, and I would feel a momentary chill; but the thought quickly vanished, and I again felt happy and secure.

'One Sunday morning, after I had said my prayers, I felt particularly joyous. I thought of the innocent and virtuous life I was leading; and when the recollection of the sin intruded for a moment, I said, "I am sure God will never utterly cast away so good a creature as myself." I went to church, and was as usual attentive. The subject of the sermon was on the duty of searching the Scriptures; all I knew of them was from the liturgy. I now, however, determined to read them, and perfect the good work which I had begun. My father's Bible was upon the shelf, and on that evening I took it with me to my chamber. I placed it on the table, and sat down. My heart was filled with pleasing anticipation. I opened the book at random, and began to read; the first passage on which my eyes lighted was the following:--

'"He who committeth the sin against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven, either in this world or the next. "'

Here Peter was seized with convulsive tremors. Winifred sobbed violently. I got up, and went away. Returning in about a quarter of an hour, I found him more calm; he motioned me to sit down; and, after a short pause, continued his narration.

CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX

HASTY FAREWELL--LOFTY ROCK--WRESTLINGS OF JACOB--NO REST--WAYS OF PROVIDENCE--TWO FEMALES--FOOT OF THE CROSS--ENEMY OF SOULS--PERPLEXED--LUCKY HOUR--VALETUDINARIAN--METHODISTS--FERVENT IN YOUR PRAYER--YOU SAXONS--WEAK CREATURES--VERY AGREEABLE--ALMOST HAPPY--KINDNESS AND SOLICITUDE

'Where was I, young man? Oh, I remember, at the fatal passage which removed all hope. I will not dwell on what I felt. I closed my eyes, and wished that I might be dreaming; but it was no dream, but a terrific reality: I will not dwell on that period, I should only shock you. I could not bear my feelings; so, bidding my friends a hasty farewell, I abandoned myself to horror and despair, and ran wild through Wales, climbing mountains and wading streams.

'Climbing mountains and wading streams, I ran wild about, I was burnt by the sun, drenched by the rain, and had frequently at night no other covering than the sky, or the humid roof of some cave; but nothing seemed to affect my constitution; probably the fire which burned within me counteracted what I suffered from without. During the space of three years I scarcely knew what befell me; my life was a dream--a wild, horrible dream; more than once I believe I was in the hands of robbers, and once in the hands of gypsies. I liked the last description of people least of all; I could not abide their yellow faces, or their ceaseless clabber. Escaping from these beings, whose countenances and godless discourse brought to my mind the demons of the deep Unknown, I still ran wild through Wales, I know not how long. On one occasion, coming in some degree to my recollection, I felt myself quite unable to bear the horrors of my situation; looking round I found myself near the sea; instantly the idea came into my head that I would cast myself into it, and thus anticipate my final doom. I hesitated a moment, but a voice within me seemed to tell me that I could do no better; the sea was near, and I could not swim, so I determined to fling myself into the sea. As I was running along at great speed, in the direction of a lofty rock, which beetled over the waters, I suddenly felt myself seized by the coat. I strove to tear myself away, but in vain; looking round, I perceived a venerable hale old man, who had hold of me. "Let me go!" said I fiercely. "I will not let thee go," said the old man, and now, instead of with one, he grappled me with both hands. "In whose name dost thou detain me?" said I, scarcely knowing what I said. "In the name of my Master, who made thee and yonder sea; and has said to the sea, So far shalt thou come, and no farther, and to thee, Thou shalt do no murder." "Has not a man a right to do what he pleases with his own?" said I. "He has," said the old man, "but thy life is not thy own; thou art accountable for it to thy God. Nay, I will not let thee go," he continued, as I again struggled; "if thou struggle with me the whole day I will not let thee go, as Charles Wesley says, in his 'Wrestlings of Jacob'; and see, it is of no use struggling, for I am, in the strength of my Master, stronger than thou"; and indeed, all of a sudden I had become very weak and exhausted; whereupon the old man, beholding my situation, took me by the arm and led me gently to a neighbouring town, which stood behind a hill, and which I had not before observed; presently he opened the door of a respectable-looking house, which stood beside a large building having the appearance of a chapel, and conducted me into a small room, with a great many books in it. Having caused me to sit down, he stood looking at me for some time, occasionally heaving a sigh. I was, indeed, haggard and forlorn. "Who art thou?" he said at last. "A miserable man," I replied. "What makes thee miserable?" said the old man. "A hideous crime," I replied. "I can find no rest; like Cain I wander here and there." The old man turned pale. "Hast thou taken another's life?" said he; "if so, I advise thee to surrender thyself to the magistrate; thou canst do no better; thy doing so will be the best proof of thy repentance; and though there be no hope for thee in this world there may be much in the next." "No," said I, "I have never taken another's life." "What then, another's goods? If so, restore them sevenfold, if possible: or, if it be not in thy power, and thy conscience accuse thee, surrender thyself to the magistrate, and make the only satisfaction thou art able." "I have taken no one's goods," said I. "Of what art thou guilty, then?" said he. "Art thou a drunkard? a profligate?" "Alas, no," said I; "I am neither of these; would that I were no worse."

'Thereupon the old man looked steadfastly at me for some time; then, after appearing to reflect, he said, "Young man, I have a great desire to know your name." "What matters it to you what is my name?" said I; "you know nothing of me." "Perhaps you are mistaken," said the old man, looking kindly at me; "but at all events tell me your name." I hesitated a moment, and then told him who I was, whereupon he exclaimed with much emotion, "I thought so; how wonderful are the ways of Providence. I have heard of thee, young man, and know thy mother well. Only a month ago, when upon a journey, I experienced much kindness from her. She was speaking to me of her lost child, with tears; she told me that you were one of the best of sons, but that some strange idea appeared to have occupied your mind. Despair not, my son. If thou hast been afflicted, I doubt not but that thy affliction will eventually turn out to thy benefit; I doubt not but that thou wilt be preserved, as an example of the great mercy of God. I will now kneel down and pray for thee, my son."

'He knelt down, and prayed long and fervently. I remained standing for some time; at length I knelt down likewise. I scarcely knew what he was saying, but when he concluded I said "Amen."

'And when we had risen from our knees, the old man left me for a short time, and on his return led me into another room, where were two females; one was an elderly person, the wife of the old man,--the other was a young woman of very prepossessing appearance (hang not down thy head, Winifred), who I soon found was a distant relation of the old man,--both received me with great kindness, the old man having doubtless previously told them who I was.

'I stayed several days in the good man's house. I had still the greater portion of a small sum which I happened to have about me when I departed on my dolorous wandering, and with this I purchased clothes, and altered my appearance considerably. On the evening of the second day my friend said, "I am going to preach, perhaps you will come and hear me." I consented, and we all went, not to a church, but to the large building next the house; for the old man, though a clergyman, was not of the established persuasion, and there the old man mounted a pulpit and began to preach. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden," etc., etc., was his text. His sermon was long, but I still bear the greater portion of it in my mind.

'The substance of it was that Jesus was at all times ready to take upon Himself the burden of our sins, provided we came to Him with a humble and contrite spirit, and begged His help. This doctrine was new to me; I had often been at church, but had never heard it preached before, at least so distinctly. When he said that all men might be saved, I shook, for I expected he would add, all except those who had committed the mysterious sin; but no, all men were to be saved who with a humble and contrite spirit would come to Jesus, cast themselves at the foot of His cross, and accept pardon through the merits of His blood-shedding alone. "Therefore, my friends," said he, in conclusion, "despair not--however guilty you may be, despair not--however desperate your conditions may seem," said he, fixing his eyes upon me, "despair not. There is nothing more foolish and more wicked than despair; overweening confidence is not more foolish than despair; both are the favourite weapons of the enemy of souls."

'This discourse gave rise in my mind to no slight perplexity. I had read in the Scriptures that he who committeth a certain sin shall never be forgiven, and that there is no hope for him either in this world or the next. And here was a man, a good man certainly, and one who, of necessity, was thoroughly acquainted with the Scriptures, who told me that any one might be forgiven, however wicked, who would only trust in Christ and in the merits of His blood-shedding. Did I believe in Christ? Ay, truly. Was I willing to be saved by Christ? Ay, truly. Did I trust in Christ? I trusted that Christ would save every one but myself. And why not myself? simply because the Scriptures had told me that he who has committed the sin against the Holy Ghost can never be saved, and I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost,--perhaps the only one who ever had committed it. How could I hope? The Scriptures could not lie, and yet here was this good old man, profoundly versed in the Scriptures, who bade me hope; would he lie? No. But did the old man know my case? Ah, no, he did not know my case! but yet he had bid me hope, whatever I had done, provided I would go to Jesus. But how could I think of going to Jesus, when the Scriptures told me plainly that all would be useless? I was perplexed, and yet a ray of hope began to dawn in my soul. I thought of consulting the good man, but I was afraid he would drive away the small glimmer. I was afraid he would say, "Oh yes, every one is to be saved, except a wretch like you; I was not aware before that there was anything so horrible,--begone!" Once or twice the old man questioned me on the subject of my misery, but I evaded him; once, indeed, when he looked particularly benevolent, I think I should have unbosomed myself to him, but we were interrupted. He never pressed me much; perhaps he was delicate in probing my mind, as we were then of different persuasions. Hence he advised me to seek the advice of some powerful minister in my own church; there were many such in it, he said.

'I stayed several days in the family, during which time I more than once heard my venerable friend preach; each time he preached, he exhorted his hearers not to despair. The whole family were kind to me; his wife frequently discoursed with me, and also the young person to whom I have already alluded. It appeared to me that the latter took a peculiar interest in my fate.

'At last my friend said to me, "It is now time thou shouldest return to thy mother and thy brother." So I arose, and departed to my mother and my brother; and at my departure my old friend gave me his blessing, and his wife and the young person shed tears, the last especially. And when my mother saw me, she shed tears, and fell on my neck and kissed me, and my brother took me by the hand and bade me welcome; and when our first emotions were subsided, my mother said, "I trust thou are come in a lucky hour. A few weeks ago my cousin (whose favourite thou always wast) died and left thee his heir--left thee the goodly farm in which he lived. I trust, my son, that thou wilt now settle, and be a comfort to me in my old days." And I answered, "I will, if so please the Lord"; and I said to myself, "God grant that this bequest be a token of the Lord's favour."

'And in a few days I departed to take possession of my farm; it was about twenty miles from my mother's house, in a beautiful but rather wild district; I arrived at the fall of the leaf. All day long I busied myself with my farm, and thus kept my mind employed. At night, however, I felt rather solitary, and I frequently wished for a companion. Each night and morning I prayed fervently unto the Lord; for His hand had been very heavy upon me, and I feared Him.

'There was one thing connected with my new abode which gave me considerable uneasiness--the want of spiritual instruction. There was a church, indeed, close at hand, in which service was occasionally performed, but in so hurried and heartless a manner that I derived little benefit from it. The clergyman to whom the benefice belonged was a valetudinarian, who passed his time in London, or at some watering-place, entrusting the care of his flock to the curate of a distant parish, who gave himself very little trouble about the matter. Now I wanted every Sunday to hear from the pulpit words of consolation and encouragement, similar to those which I had heard uttered from the pulpit by my good and venerable friend, but I was debarred from this privilege. At length, one day being in conversation with one of my labourers, a staid and serious man, I spoke to him of the matter which lay heavy upon my mind; whereupon, looking me wistfully in the face, he said, "Master, the want of religious instruction in my church was what drove me to the Methodists." "The Methodists," said I, "are there any in these parts?" "There is a chapel," said he, "only half a mile distant, at which there are two services every Sunday, and other two during the week." Now it happened that my venerable friend was of the Methodist persuasion, and when I heard the poor man talk in this manner, I said to him, "May I go with you next Sunday?" "Why not?" said he; so I went with the labourer on the ensuing Sabbath to the meeting of the Methodists.

'I liked the preaching which I heard at the chapel very well, though it was not quite so comfortable as that of my old friend, the preacher being in some respects a different kind of man. It, however, did me good, and I went again, and continued to do so, though I did not become a regular member of the body at that time.

'I had now the benefit of religious instruction, and also to a certain extent of religious fellowship, for the preacher and various members of his flock frequently came to see me. They were honest plain men, not exactly of the description which I wished for, but still good sort of people, and I was glad to see them. Once on a time, when some of them were with me, one of them inquired whether I was fervent in prayer. "Very fervent," said I. "And do you read the Scriptures often?" said he. "No," said I. "Why not?" said he. "Because I am afraid to see there my own condemnation." They looked at each other, and said nothing at the time. On leaving me, however, they all advised me to read the Scriptures with fervency and prayer.

'As I had told these honest people, I shrank from searching the Scriptures; the remembrance of the fatal passage was still too vivid in my mind to permit me. I did not wish to see my condemnation repeated, but I was very fervent in prayer, and almost hoped that God would yet forgive me by virtue of the blood-shedding of the Lamb. Time passed on, my affairs prospered, and I enjoyed a certain portion of tranquillity. Occasionally, when I had nothing else to do, I renewed my studies. Many is the book I read, especially in my native language, for I was always fond of my native language, and proud of being a Welshman. Amongst the books I read were the odes of the great Ab Gwilym, whom thou, friend, hast never heard of; no, nor any of thy countrymen, for you are an ignorant race, you Saxons, at least with respect to all that relates to Wales and Welshmen. I likewise read the book of Master Ellis Wyn. The latter work possessed a singular fascination for me, on account of its wonderful delineations of the torments of the nether world.

'But man does not love to be alone; indeed, the Scripture says that it is not good for man to be alone. I occupied my body with the pursuits of husbandry, and I improved my mind with the perusal of good and wise books; but, as I have already said, I frequently sighed for a companion with whom I could exchange ideas, and who could take an interest in my pursuits; the want of such a one I more particularly felt in the long winter evenings. It was then that the image of the young person whom I had seen in the house of the preacher frequently rose up distinctly before my mind's eye, decked with quiet graces--hang not down your head, Winifred--and I thought that of all the women in the world I should wish her to be my partner, and then I considered whether it would be possible to obtain her. I am ready to acknowledge, friend, that it was both selfish and wicked in me to wish to fetter any human being to a lost creature like myself, conscious of having committed a crime for which the Scriptures told me there is no pardon. I had, indeed, a long struggle as to whether I should make the attempt or not--selfishness however prevailed. I will not detain your attention with relating all that occurred at this period--suffice it to say that I made my suit and was successful; it is true that the old man, who was her guardian, hesitated, and asked several questions respecting my state of mind. I am afraid that I partly deceived him, perhaps he partly deceived himself; he was pleased that I had adopted his profession--we are all weak creatures. With respect to the young person, she did not ask many questions; and I soon found that I had won her heart. To be brief, I married her; and here she is, the truest wife that ever man had, and the kindest. Kind I may well call her, seeing that she shrinks not from me, who so cruelly deceived her, in not telling her at first what I was. I married her, friend; and brought her home to my little possession, where we passed our time very agreeably. Our affairs prospered, our garners were full, and there was coin in our purse. I worked in the field; Winifred busied herself with the dairy. At night I frequently read books to her, books of my own country, friend; I likewise read to her songs of my own, holy songs and carols which she admired, and which yourself would perhaps admire, could you understand them; but I repeat, you Saxons are an ignorant people with respect to us, and a perverse, inasmuch as you despise Welsh without understanding it. Every night I prayed fervently, and my wife admired my gift of prayer.

'One night, after I had been reading to my wife a portion of Ellis Wyn, my wife said, "This is a wonderful book, and containing much true and pleasant doctrine; but how is it that you, who are so fond of good books, and good things in general, never read the Bible? You read me the book of Master Ellis Wyn, you read me sweet songs of your own composition, you edify me with your gift of prayer, but yet you never read the Bible." And when I heard her mention the Bible I shook, for I thought of my own condemnation. However, I dearly loved my wife, and as she pressed me, I commenced on that very night reading the Bible. All went on smoothly for a long time; for months and months I did not find the fatal passage, so that I almost thought that I had imagined it. My affairs prospered much the while, so that I was almost happy,--taking pleasure in everything around me,--in my wife, in my farm, my books and compositions, and the Welsh language; till one night, as I was reading the Bible, feeling particularly comfortable, a thought having just come into my head that I would print some of my compositions, and purchase a particular field of a neighbour--O God--God! I came to the fatal passage.

'Friend, friend, what shall I say? I rushed out. My wife followed me, asking me what was the matter. I could only answer with groans--for three days and three nights I did little else than groan. Oh the kindness and solicitude of my wife! "What is the matter, husband, dear husband?" she was continually saying. I became at last more calm. My wife still persisted in asking me the cause of my late paroxysm. It is hard to keep a secret from a wife, especially such a wife as mine, so I told my wife the tale, as we sat one night--it was a mid-winter night--over the dying brands of our hearth, after the family had retired to rest, her hand locked in mine, even as it is now.

'I thought she would have shrunk from me with horror; but she did not; her hand, it is true, trembled once or twice; but that was all. At last she gave mine a gentle pressure; and, looking up in my face, she said--what do you think my wife said, young man?'

'It is impossible for me to guess,' said I.

'"Let us go to rest, my love; your fears are all groundless."'

CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN

GETTING LATE--SEVEN YEARS OLD--CHASTENING--GO FORTH--LONDON--SAME EYES--COMMON OCCURRENCE

'And so I still say,' said Winifred, sobbing. 'Let us retire to rest, dear husband; your fears are groundless. I had hoped long since that your affliction would have passed away, and I still hope that it eventually will; so take heart, Peter, and let us retire to rest, for it is getting late.'

'Rest!' said Peter; 'there is no rest for the wicked!'

'We are all wicked,' said Winifred; 'but you are afraid of a shadow. How often have I told you that the sin of your heart is not the sin against the Holy Ghost: the sin of your heart is its natural pride, of which you are scarcely aware, to keep down which God in His mercy permitted you to be terrified with the idea of having committed a sin which you never committed.'

'Then you will still maintain,' said Peter, 'that I never committed the sin against the Holy Spirit?'

'I will,' said Winifred; 'you never committed it. How should a child seven years old commit a sin like that?'

'Have I not read my own condemnation?' said Peter. 'Did not the first words which I read in the Holy Scripture condemn me? "He who committeth the sin against the Holy Ghost shall never enter into the kingdom of God."'

'You never committed it,' said Winifred.

'But the words! the words! the words!' said Peter.

'The words are true words,' said Winifred, sobbing; 'but they were not meant for you, but for those who have broken their profession, who, having embraced the cross, have receded from their Master.'

'And what sayst thou to the effect which the words produced upon me?' said Peter. 'Did they not cause me to run wild through Wales for years, like Merddin Wyllt of yore; thinkest thou that I opened the book at that particular passage by chance?'

'No,' said Winifred, 'not by chance; it was the hand of God directed you, doubtless for some wise purpose. You had become satisfied with yourself. The Lord wished to rouse thee from thy state of carnal security, and therefore directed your eyes to that fearful passage.'

'Does the Lord then carry out His designs by means of guile?' said Peter with a groan. 'Is not the Lord true? Would the Lord impress upon me that I had committed a sin of which I am guiltless? Hush, Winifred! hush! thou knowest that I have committed the sin.'

'Thou hast not committed it,' said Winifred, sobbing yet more violently. 'Were they my last words, I would persist that thou hast not committed it, though, perhaps, thou wouldst, but for this chastening; it was not to convince thee that thou hast committed the sin, but rather to prevent thee from committing it, that the Lord brought that passage before thy eyes. He is not to blame, if thou art wilfully blind to the truth and wisdom of His ways.'

'I see thou wouldst comfort me,' said Peter, 'as thou hast often before attempted to do. I would fain ask the young man his opinion.'

'I have not yet heard the whole of your history,' said I.