Chapter II: Appendix: B: Marriage Counseling Agencies 211 (2)

When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well. If so:

--There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning
sex.

--There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned.

--Likewise there is no _abnormal_ curiosity or longing for
sexual information or experience.

--He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first
when in the presence of someone of the opposite sex but
both soon get over it when they find activities to share.
This is normally easy because by eighteen youngsters have
acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies, and
conversing.

If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn’t acquired sexual maturity in the sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a marriage counseling bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a psychologist or some other person trained in helping normal people achieve normal adjustments.

* * * * *

HOW OLD ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY? This is by far the most significant of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most of the research on marriage indicates that people who lack “emotional maturity” rarely achieve a happy marriage.

What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It’s a state of mind that includes ability to get along with people ... ability to find satisfaction and reward in work ... ability to recognize and solve problems which involve your relations with others ... and finally it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism.

As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional maturity) the first ten years of life are apparently the most important in determining if you will be emotionally stable. Certainly by the age of eighteen a person should have a pretty firm hold on his emotions. If he has not acquired such balance by twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising, and he should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself.

A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her parents had taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs of emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous girls and men.

Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It provides a classic picture of emotional instability:

Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has
few standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from
one boy to another, seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous
and highly sexed, she has had sexual affairs with 12 or 13
men. Somewhat popular while in college, with attractive face
and nice figure, she was dated by many boys, none of whom
even went with her for more than four dates. Easily persuaded
to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach
of behavior. Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known
as a “Campus Queen,” she openly sought dates and a sort of
dubious and short-lived popularity.

Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals
and morals, and her selfishness and shallowness, she is
unlikely to marry unless she catches a rich “sucker.” She is
in six “danger zones” on her Audit Profile. May the Lord help
the poor man who is inveigled into marriage. No boy has ever
proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her vanity.

To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by side are eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in persons who are considered “emotionally immature,” and eight noted in mature persons.

IMMATURE MATURE
1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people.
2. Is rebellious and “bullheaded.” 2. Has satisfying home life.
3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes.
4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work.
5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and
6. Is victim of imaginary pains, customs.
stuttering, hysteria, tremors, 6. He faces his problems.
insomnia. 7. Accepts responsibility for
7. Is high-strung. own acts.
8. Is often indecisive and anxious. 8. He is consistent and
predictable.

A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them.

What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and thus achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few suggestions:

--_Try to look at yourself objectively._ Try to do so
especially in connection with your relations with others. Are
you reasonable rather than prejudiced? Can you recognize that
a man may be a fine person even though he is a Republican
or a Democrat, that he is a good person even though he may
be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try to make
decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of
feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you?
Sit down every few weeks and try deliberately to look at
yourself as others must see you. Would you like yourself if
you were someone else?

--_Learn to laugh at yourself._ The person who can laugh
at himself, or who can laugh at the things he loves and
continue to love them, is the person who is most likely to
have insight into himself. And that insight is important in
emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the ridiculous you
can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing so
are able to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your
troubles, yet at the same time do your best to improve the
situation. This ability to see the ridiculous side acts as
a cushion and helps you maintain your stability, even when
things are most exasperating.

--_Set up a confidential relationship with some other
person._ Telling your problems to another person helps you
define the problem in your own mind, it furnishes relief
from the tensions you have built up, and it brings another
person’s point of view into the picture. One of the biggest
single values in marriage is the fact that it provides
husband and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them
the confidential relationship that is so important to mental
integration.

--_Seek work that satisfies you._ Nothing will prevent you
from getting a hold on your emotions more than being confined
every day to work that is disagreeable to you. If you find it
is uninteresting or doesn’t challenge you or doesn’t offer
any opportunity as a stepping stone to more challenging work,
change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the person who
is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.

Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife, wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record shows that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life? He does not know what he wants, can’t learn from experience, and is pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp.

--_When you have a problem face it squarely._ Define the
problem, get all the facts, and line up alternative solutions
in case the first course isn’t successful. Many people seem
incapable of defining their problems. When they are faced
with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable to
vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get her way she
cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it
does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can
keep his head, figure out something to do, but the immature
person gives up or cries or gets drunk.

We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than to the other four ages--physiological, mental, vocational and sexual--because it is so fundamental to marriage success. If you find after reading this chapter you want to know more about developing your own maturity, you will find further suggestions in the chapters “Getting Along with the Other Sex,” “Attracting the One You Want,” and “Crucial Traits for Marriage Happiness.”

When all the five “ages” are taken into consideration it would seem that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one or twenty-two. Those are minimum ages for normal men and girls. Those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about marriage.

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

Your chronological age is not as important as some of your
other ages in determining whether you are ready for marriage.
The informal check below may give you a rough idea of your
maturity for marriage.

_Physiological Maturity_
Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No
Are you in general good health? Yes No
As far as you know is your glandular balance normal? Yes No

_Mental Maturity_
Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more
than one grade? Yes No
Do you read the news daily? Yes No
By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college
or earned your own living for 2 years? Yes No

_Vocational Maturity_
Are you prepared by education or experience to make a
living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No
Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No
Do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared? Yes No

_Sexual Maturity_
Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No
Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or
aversion? Yes No
Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No

_Emotional Maturity_
Do you get along well with people? Yes No
Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No
Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? Yes No

Give yourself one point for each _yes_ answer. You should
have a total score of at least twelve and should have no less
than two _yes_ answers in each category if you are to be
judged old enough to marry.

ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY?

More than almost anything else, your rating on “emotional
maturity” reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage.
Here is a more detailed test of your rating on this crucial
trait. Answer _yes_ only if you are sure.

1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings
hurt? Yes No

2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No

3. When you have differences with people can you usually
work out compromises that satisfy you and don’t leave
hard feelings? Yes No

4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural
thing to do and not because you fear the consequences
of misbehaving? Yes No

5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth
while? Yes No

6. Are you happy most of the time--and free from violent
emotional outbursts? Yes No

7. Before beginning a new project or making a final decision
do you honestly weigh the arguments for and against it? Yes No

8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month
without getting homesick? Yes No

9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the
customs of your community? Yes No

10. Can you make your own personal decisions without depending
on friends and relatives to help you make up your mind? Yes No

11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered
stammering? Yes No

12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in order
to have greater enjoyment later? Yes No

13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of
bragging about past deeds? Yes No

14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without
nightmares? Yes No

15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and
close friends? Yes No

16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and correct
it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad
breaks? Yes No

17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along
with the privileges given to you? Yes No

18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some
younger than you are? Yes No

If you honestly answered _yes_ to fourteen of these or more
you are more mature emotionally than the average person. If
you answered _yes_ to sixteen or more you should have an
exceptionally good chance for a happy marriage.

_Chapter IV_

Is It Love--or Infatuation?

“Love” is unquestionably the most abused word in the English language. People “love” puppies, or they “love” ice cream. Women commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word “love” as do all relatives when they write to one another. Boys trying to get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love. That’s to make the giving easier for the girl.

Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves her two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband. And she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl eight years ago when she “fell” in love with him, but the love is different. She was more misty-eyed then. She didn’t realize it but the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction. Now sex is still present in her regard for her husband but the bond is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship. And with the baby, of course, true sexual feelings are not involved at all.

In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep concern for the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of the cases the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to her. Right here you have the gist of true love, whether parental, conjugal or romantic.

Still, it is often difficult to know if your “love” is the real thing. Two out of five of the girls who come to the Penn State Marriage Counseling Service for advice about their affairs think they are in love but aren’t sure.

One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly in love with two different men at the college. One was on the basketball team. The other played in a campus orchestra. She did not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told which to choose. Tests soon established beyond a doubt that she had the warmest kind of physical feeling for both men. But the tests also showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as “catches.” She wasn’t actually in love with either, and was so informed.

She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love from infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers these points of distinction:--

Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time.

Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually
including sex appeal) whereas love is based on many traits.

In infatuation the person is in “love” with love, whereas in
love, the person is in love with another person.

In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate
entity and employed for self-gratification. In real love
there is a feeling of identity with the other person.

Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful
thinking whereas love produces a sense of security.

In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc.,
whereas in love you work and plan to please the other person.

The physical element is much more important in infatuation
than in love.

Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts.

In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has developed over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a sudden.

But, you may ask, how about those couples who are “meant for each other” and “fell in love at first sight.” Both are nice romantic notions, but both have little validity in fact.

There is _no_ one person in the world for anyone. We don’t expect happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that but all the evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds, indeed thousands, of people that you could fall in love with and be happily married to. (And there are, of course, thousands and perhaps millions of people you would be miserable with as mates.) The only sense in which there can be a “one and only” for you is that there may be only one good prospect within your range of possible acquaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible mates that sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose between two men. It is the multitude of possibilities that produces triangular situations after marriages; and it is this multitude of available mates in America that makes it possible for a girl to find and love a man in her own community rather than to have to go from Maine to California to meet a “one and only.”

As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance of “falling in love at first sight” as she does of becoming Cinderella. At times couples experience “infatuation at first sight” which may or may not later mature into love. And ordinarily the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on sexual attraction. “Love at first sight” also often occurs when you come across someone who happens to match your “phantasy ideal” for a mate. If you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown eyes, a turned-up nose and a shapely figure--and you are ripe for mating--you fall for the first girl matching that description. It is a mighty hazardous way to try to pick a mate.

Other people think they fall in love “at first sight” because they are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch at the first person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of insecurity. This was particularly true of girls during the war. One girl who came to the Penn State clinic was rapturous about her coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at the college. Why did she love him? She was pretty vague about that and seemed to resent the question. What did they have in common in the way of interests and ideals? The only thing she could think of was that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed that what she was in love with was the idea of getting married. She was twenty-seven and nervous about her future. That she was sincerely convinced she was in love with the man was a tribute to her own powers of self-deception. She realized that she _should_ in all decency be in love with the man she was going to marry, and convinced herself that she was.

Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if they don’t get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait. It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed. The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may die out as abruptly as it sprang into being.

But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why can’t you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks of knowing each other?

Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster’s dictionary defines as: “Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare of, another.” Love is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of respect for and comradeship with another that has developed from the fact that you both have similar tastes, ideals and yearnings. Such comradeship cannot come as a result of one date.

Cynics have said that “love is of all feelings the most egoistic and consequently is, when crossed, the least generous.” That assumes love is possessive and selfish. Genuine love as we understand it today is the medium through which the fullest development of the personalities of a man and woman may take place. And it involves a keen desire for the welfare of the loved person. There is nothing egoistic about real love!

Here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before love can develop:

--The two persons have had experiences together that have
caused each to react favorably to the other.

--They have each found present in the other qualities,
standards and ideals which they admire.

--Their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned,
without their realizing it, that they find great pleasure
just in being in each other’s presence.

--Each one in some way fulfills some of the motives that
are of importance to the other, such as desire for social
approval or, with a man, mastery.

There are many people for whom it is utterly impossible to fall in love. For a few this is due to physical inadequacy. But to most it is a result of unfavorable conditioning that has made them selfish or afraid of contact with the opposite sex. How does a person get the ability to fall in love? From a physical standpoint certain hormones pour into the blood stream of a man or woman past puberty that create sexual tension. But that only starts to explain the complexity of the love relationship.

Your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own previous experience as far back as childhood. In the beginning, for example, your mother met all your needs. Every time you cried your mother rushed to you, to feed you, to give you a drink, to change your diaper or to remove a pin that was sticking in you. Gradually in your mind the mother becomes associated with everything pleasant, with eating, the relief of thirst, the elimination of pain. You probably became attached to her with a depth of love and affection that lasted for many years. Similarly your mother received pleasure from hearing your coos when she gave you relief from pain, she received the approval of your father for bearing you and the admiring comments on you from the neighbors; and she satisfied her motive of mastery by having something (you) under her control. Her love deepened for you.

It has been observed in the South, where the nursemaids may often spend more time with the child than the mother does that the child becomes more favorably conditioned to the nursemaid than to the mother. That illustrates that love is a _learned_ process.

As you grew older and began playing with children you learned to like those with whom playing was fun and you learned to dislike those where your association was marked only by dissatisfaction and unpleasantness.

Similarly if your early associations with those of the opposite sex were all marked by unpleasantness and nervous tension you tended to stick to those of your own sex; but if they were marked with pleasure you turned more and more to the other sex.

Even the appearance of the girl that a young man likes is due to pleasant associations with other persons who had one or more of the characteristics that his girl has. It is not just accident that girls are more likely to fall in love with boys who have characteristics resembling their own fathers than they are with boys who don’t. Similarly a boy is more likely to fall in love with a girl who resembles his own mother than with a girl who doesn’t.

If your early life has been marked by strife in the home and tension in your relation with people your own age, then you have been poorly conditioned for the comradeship married love can provide. And you probably will have the greatest difficulty finding happiness in marriage.

But if your relationships with people have been relatively serene, you will find it easy to learn to love someone of the opposite sex. You will find that when you do certain things you receive approval by way of happy smiles and rewards. Gradually you learn to put your best foot forward. You and your date both are conditioned to be on your best behavior and if you have many things in common develop a deep friendship with each other.

Then, if the conditioning during the friendship is quite favorable, your mutual feeling of appreciation and affection for each other grows and finally ripens into love. There you have it.

In your love for each other you will both gradually become sexually vibrant and you both will begin to feel a need for sexual expression through each other. As this need becomes increasingly strong, you both begin to think of engagement and marriage. Ideally when your need for each other becomes so strong that it can no longer be denied, you are married.

ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE?

The first thing many counselors like to find out when people
come to them about the possibility of marrying is to find out
whether they are actually in love. Here are some questions
which quickly disclose whether a person is afflicted with
the real thing or is just infatuated by good looks and sex
appeal. Answer each question truthfully regardless of what
you _think_ the correct answer should be.

1. Do you have a great number of things that you like to
do together? Yes No

2. Do you have a feeling of pride when you compare your
friend to any other you have known? Yes No

3. Do you feel you need to apologize for certain things
about him? Yes No

4. Do you suffer from a feeling of unrest when away from
him or her? Yes No

5. Have you a strong desire to please him or her and are
you quite glad to give way on your own preferences? Yes No

6. Do you have any difficulty carrying on a conversation
with each other? Yes No

7. Even when you quarrel do you still enjoy being together? Yes No

8. Do you actually want to marry this person? Yes No

9. Would you be afraid to trust him or her in the presence
of another attractive person of your own sex for an
evening? Yes No

10. Does he or she have the qualities you would like to have
in your children? Yes No

11. Do your friends and associates mostly admire this person
and think he, or she, would be a good match for you? Yes No

12. Do you ever wonder if he, or she, is faithful? Yes No

13. Do your parents think you are in love? (They are very
discerning about such things.) Yes No

14. Have you started planning, at least in your own mind,
what kind of wedding, children, and home you will have? Yes No

15. Are you conscious of being jealous of him, or her? Yes No

16. Is this person attractive to you not only in appearance
but in the way he talks, acts and thinks? Yes No

17. Do you approve generally of each other’s friends? Yes No

18. Do you wonder if he, or she, is being sincere in what
he tells you? Yes No

19. Do you have a wealth of things to discuss and do together? Yes No

20. When outside trouble develops for one of you does the
crisis tend to pull you together rather than apart? Yes No

21. Are there many things on which you disagree? Yes No

22. Do you find that in thinking of the future it is always in
terms of two rather than of yourself alone? Yes No

23. Can you imagine how he or she will appear at 40 and still
feel as deeply attached to him as before? Yes No

24. Do you have serious doubts about your love for him? Yes No

If you have a perfect score you answered every third question
(3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24) with _No_ and all the others
with _Yes_. Did you have twenty or more “correct” answers? If
so, we would judge you to be solidly in love. If you did not,
you should be skeptical until you receive further proof.

_Chapter V_

Growing Up Sexually

Your ability to undertake marriage successfully has already been determined in large part before you even start. It has been determined by experiences you have had with sex generally and with the opposite sex particularly. Possibly you are already seriously handicapped by repressions and fears on the subject.

To ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of the other emotions you possess. Sexual desire is a natural desire. Without it your personality would become impoverished. Without it there would be few marriages. Without it there would be few children and few homes. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of or be whispered about.

You can have love without sex and sex without love but neither alone is very satisfying or enriching. For example many men are capable of sexual activity with women for whom they could find no pleasure in social associations. Were it not for this fact there would be no prostitution. Likewise it is true there are many wives who love their husbands and engage in sexual activity with them, but without feeling any sexual urge whatsoever and without feeling any physical satisfaction.

The ideal arrangement, however, is that in which the two people have genuine love and affection for each other and at the same time have strong sex desire for each other and find sexual satisfaction in each other.

A very large proportion of the fears, repressions and anxieties that people suffer from involve sex one way or another. Many of these repressions are revealed in such things as frigidity and impotence. The individual who is ashamed and afraid of sex will be repressed in married life unless the attitude is corrected, and will find it difficult to adjust to marriage. When such persons are married the feelings of shame or guilt about sex may prevent sexual satisfaction. This lack of satisfaction, and the tension that goes with it, may produce nervousness, aches and pains and even nervous breakdowns.

Many married people, particularly wives, suffer from repression. While sexual maladjustment is not the only cause of unhappiness in marriage it does play a significant part. It is estimated that one-fifth of all married people turn to masturbation as one of the ways to reduce the sexual tensions not satisfied through intimate relationships with the mate.

How do these so-called repressions develop? Where do we learn about sex?

Our sex experiences--whether good or bad--started when we were babies. We reacted in a very favorable way to the fondling, caressing and other skin stimulation of our mothers. Love and affection came to be associated in our minds with fondling and stroking. Sometimes as the baby grows older the parent lavishes too much affection on the child because the mother is hungry for affection which is not forthcoming from her husband. This excessive love-conditioning may cause the child to become intensely attached to the mother and makes it difficult for the child to break away as it grows up. Not only this, but in addition the excessive fondling and favorable attention may cause the child to have an excessive desire for sympathy and social approval. Ergo, we have a “spoiled child.” This spoiled child grows up feeling very sorry for himself and insecure when he is not receiving sympathy. In marriage, he or she becomes quite possessive because he or she wants to be the constant center of attention.

But to get back to when you were a growing child. Many of the feelings of guilt, shame or fear that people suffer from concerning sex begin then.

Perhaps the child is detected in the act of exploring his sex organs. It is probably normal curiosity but the parents punish him so severely that the child feels exceedingly guilty about it.

Perhaps the child hears a four-letter Anglo-Saxon word. Proud of this new acquisition he comes home and uses it with his parents. The parents are dumfounded, show their intense disapproval, and may wash the child’s mouth out with soap.

Or perhaps the child asks how babies are made and the parent may rebuff the child or act so mysterious that the child concludes he has done something for which he should be ashamed.

On the other hand, if as a child you had a confidential relationship with your parents and found that when you took such problems to them they would try to give you answers you could comprehend you developed a normal, healthy attitude toward sex. Repression usually occurs only when something happens to us for which we feel ashamed or guilty or fearful.

It would seem to us that no child should be permitted to reach the age of five or six without knowing where babies come from. It furthermore seems to us that no child should reach the age of ten without knowing what produces or causes babies.

Now we come to the period that affected you most profoundly in your sexual development, puberty. Can you remember how your life and body were changed from the time you were twelve to fourteen?--that is, when you were first endowed with sexual capacity. Whether you were a boy or girl, your sex glands (gonads) began pouring their hormones into the blood stream in great quantities. Perhaps you did not realize it at the time but you began feeling more tense, more energetic, and began exhibiting what might be called “animal spirits.” Farmers shake their heads sadly at their youngsters during this period and resign themselves to the fact that the youths won’t be over “Fool’s Hill” until they are sixteen.

It probably was during your early teens that you had your first great “love” affair, if you were normal. Puppy love is one of the sweetest loves that one ever has. It usually makes its appearance at about the time the girl begins to menstruate and the boy becomes capable of having sexual emissions.

This first love of yours was romantic and idealistic. Probably you “fell in love” with a girl in the next aisle, passed notes to her and picked flowers on the way to school for her. You walked home together after school and if you did manage to conquer your embarrassment and kiss, it is a kiss you will never forget.

You did not realize that those hormones pulsing through your body were responsible for this “crush” and did not realize why you were more tense and energetic. To reduce the tension, though, you looked at each other and something about your past conditioning made each of you find something appealing in the other. Sometimes these first “loves” endure but more likely you are soon both in “love” with new “flames” that suddenly appeared more appealing. Puppy love, you see, is an early version of infatuation.

As a child your sexual feelings were diffused over the body surface but with puberty those feelings came more and more to be localized in certain sensitive areas of the body, called “erogenous zones,” if you had normal contacts with the other sex. In the case of girls whose contact with sex is carefully guarded, however, it is quite possible that sex desire may remain diffused until marriage and the loss of virginity.

The appearance of the menstrual discharge can be a profoundly frightening event for a girl unless she has been prepared to expect it. Often it marks the beginning of fears that carry over even into marriage.

Take the case of Alice, a school superintendent’s daughter, who was reared in a stern atmosphere of morality. When she asked where babies came from her mother first rebuked her and when she persisted in inquiring the mother said they were brought in the medical bags of physicians. When she reached the age of menstruation, for which her mother had not prepared her, she thought a terrible calamity had befallen her. She naïvely believed for several months that she was having a baby. Later the only information she ever acquired on sex was through bull sessions with other girls at college, and there the information was misleading. She was fearful of sex and when, during her freshman year, a boy tried to kiss her she reacted very strongly. She felt that she must not be a nice girl or a boy would not think of trying to kiss her. Her mother had told her that nice girls did not kiss boys.

Today Alice is twenty-nine and still not married. Furthermore she seems like a very poor prospect. She has reacted frigidly to all overtures of grown men to kiss her even though she feels she should marry. To her “sex” is animal passion and its only rightful function is reproduction. She has so many repressions about sex that she cannot act normally in the presence of someone of the opposite sex.

Here is how the repressions operate with Alice. She does her best not to think about sex. She avoids situations or circumstances that would involve sex by staying away from people of the opposite sex, by not going to dances and by refraining from doing things that would in any way bring sex to mind. Her life is a desperate hide-and-seek with sex. Furthermore her repression is so effective that she won’t even admit that a sexual problem exists for her.

Sometimes direct fear conditioning may occur. In one girl who was referred to the Penn State clinic there was an intense fear of being with well-educated people. When all the facts were learned, it was discovered that in her early teens the girl had been detected masturbating by her mother. To frighten her out of the habit the mother told her that such a practice would change her facial appearance so much that any educated person looking at her would know she was a masturbator. The girl, already ashamed of her habit, felt so much guilt that she started avoiding anyone who had a college education because she believed such people could see her secret in her face. It took many months of treatment to get her to the place where she could associate with college people with ease.

It is our opinion that much of the sexual maladjustment of the world is brought about by parents giving their children the impression that sex is shameful, disgusting, fearful or nasty.

One young man came into the psychological clinic complaining of severe indigestion, heartburn and excruciating stomach pains. When asked what he thought the trouble was he said it probably was caused by his habit of drinking a couple of beers three or four times a week. He had made many efforts to stop drinking the beer, but in vain. The companionship of the other young men with whom he drank, the feeling of tension reduction that he felt while drinking, the partial release of some of his inhibitions under alcohol all prevented him from breaking the habit. He had never been drunk yet he was sure that the half-dozen glasses of beer a week were causing his stomach trouble and would ultimately lead to ulcers or cancer.

In working with this young man it was found that he had begun masturbating in adolescence. His father had discovered this and had severely denounced him for the practice. The boy could not, or did not, give up masturbation and was in constant fear that he would go insane because his father told him that continued masturbation always led to insanity. In reading an old-fashioned book on sex which his father gave him, the boy ran across a statement to the effect that alcohol weakened the sex drive. He was so anxious to reduce his own drive, for fear of insanity, that he began drinking beer habitually. He was so sure the alcohol was reducing his sex drive that he stopped masturbating. Actually, of course, the sex drive was still present and his repression and anxiety were transferred from masturbating to beer drinking, with the physical symptoms already described. By helping the young man understand how he had become unfavorably conditioned to masturbation (which, while an inferior or substitute adjustment, is a natural act) he lost all of his stomach symptoms and gained a wholesome attitude about sex.

How can sexual inhibitions and repressions be “unlearned?” The best thing to do of course is consult a good clinical psychologist or competent psychiatrist. Extensive psychotherapy may be needed. But here are some things that an individual can do that may help:

--Develop a friendly confidential relationship with some
other person who can be trusted and bit by bit unburden
yourself of your fears, anxieties, problems and frustrations.
Simply getting things out of one’s system brings tension
release. Not only that but as one talks about his problems
and feelings toward them, he begins to define the problem
and see possibilities of attacking and solving the problem
himself. And the friend may have some helpful suggestions.

--Deliberately associate with people of the opposite sex as
much as possible if repression is present. Gradually this
will help reduce tensions as you become used to them and if
the conditioning is favorable you may achieve wholesome and
normal reactions to the opposite sex.

--Acquire adequate information about sexual behavior.
Good books are available today in the field of sex (_note
bibliography in the back of this book_).

--Even bull sessions can be helpful though much of the
information you will hear may be erroneous or inadequate. The
freedom of expression in the sessions and the opportunity
to talk help one feel less repressed and more natural when
sexual matters come up.

All young unmarried people should realize that the sexual emotion is just as much a hunger as a hunger for food and that in marriage their personality is enriched when the sexual hunger is satisfied.

While all this association with the opposite sex is going on, the girl or young man is learning what kind of a mate he wants in marriage. It is only through these experiences (starting with puppy love) that they begin to set standards and qualifications of the persons they would like to marry. The typical boy or girl needs to date a good many persons before they know the kind they would like to have as a mate, to decide upon the minimum standards they wish.

In going with one girl the boy learns to appreciate music and decides he wants a wife who can play the piano. In going with another girl he finds he wants a girl who is brunette, who is reasonably tall, who is relatively slim. In going with a third girl he discovers he wants a person who has as much education as he does and who is interested at least politely with mechanical things, which happen to be his passion. In going with still another girl he discovers that it is important to him for her to have control of her temper, to be friendly to people, to be gracious in manner, to be kind and considerate. And so it goes. It is only through such experiences that a man gradually learns what he wants in a wife and what is important to him.

In contrast, it is ignorance of what one wants that may prevent you from ever achieving a happy marriage. Not knowing what you want or need, you may marry the first person with whom you become infatuated.

Today there are nearly twenty-five thousand different occupations in the country. More people are completing high school--and college--than ever before in history. The radio and automobile have broadened man’s horizon. Thus for the man today a selection of a wife from among a half-dozen girls whom he has known would be a hazardous selection. As we have said before, he would need to know at least twenty-five eligible single girls--and date at least a dozen of them--before he could be fairly sure of finding one that would meet his wants and needs.

_Chapter VI_

Sex Adventuring

In the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of our young people become involved in bodily petting and complete intimacy. How widespread are such premarital sex relations? All the factual studies would indicate that there has been a steady increase. Dr. L. M. Terman, whose book _Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness_, published in 1938, reports a study he made of 792 couples, concludes:

“The trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with extraordinary rapidity.”

Of older couples who married around 1910, he found fifty per cent of the men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins at the time of marriage. In contrast, of those who married about ten years ago only fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per cent of the women were virgins at marriage. Dr. Terman predicted:

“If the drop should continue at the average rate shown ... virginity at marriage will be close to the vanishing point” for males marrying after 1955 and for girls marrying after 1960.

It’s a rare high school nowadays that doesn’t have an occasional pregnant girl, unmarried, in its midst. In one city more than two hundred such pregnancies occurred last year. Most of the sexual experiences today--especially for girls--are with people they eventually marry. But even in this respect the trend indicates that more and more young people are having intercourse with persons they do not marry than has ever been true before in our history. The trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls. This can be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets pregnant, and not the man.

Of couples marrying today, a relatively high percentage have complete physical intimacy before the wedding night. The rate seems to be higher among the lower economic classes than in the higher levels.

This does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group--who have lived at women’s or other colleges--have more inhibitions. After marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic sexual experience than girls who only went to high school, because of these inhibitions. Probably less than one-third of such wives regularly experience orgasm.

Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years? There appear to be several major explanations:

--The tensions of two wars and a major depression which
led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to
postponement of gratification. Also during the war many girls
threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give
happiness on a friend’s last furlough.

--Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today
as it was a generation ago.

--We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more
tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer
repressions than in past years.

--The widespread dissemination of birth-control information
and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease
have reduced the penalties of indulgence.

--Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for
a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood
that their parents will find out about them. Boys have access
to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded
spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying
the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps
rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war
took millions of our young people away from their home
communities.

In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the process of breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births was conceived prior to marriage.

While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more “grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and inhibitions about sex than men.

Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling. Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.

Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression. Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.

It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been advanced in favor of it?

First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame--as is frequently the case in premarital affairs--permanent scars are left on the participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of what married love would be with a specific individual by petting and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual aftermath of shame and guilt.

Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are mature enough physically to marry several years before economic factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting? They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love. This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because they employ no outlets whatsoever.

On the other side--the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised before marriage--we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something. Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to the social group that permits it to take place.

Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were picked at random--girls who, according to their test scorings, were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally. And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for marriage.

Finally here are some specific dangers that every person considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:

--Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.

--If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent
sterility or other injury must not be forgotten.

--The probability that the illicit relationship may become
known to members of your social group, if not to your parents.

--Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual
tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame,
guilt, or remorse.