Chapter III: Part 3

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and part with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane persons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_: _for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.

143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The blood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_. 1 John i. 7.

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. _But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in danger of eternal damnation_. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. And this stuck always with me.

149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, _that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God preserved me_! Job xxix. 2.

151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered _David’s_ adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the _great transgression_? Ps. xix. 13. Must _that wicked one_ touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?

153. What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but _one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that? Is there but one _sin_ among _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy _sin_! Oh! unhappy _man_! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_. _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.

154. After this I began to consider of _Peter’s_ sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a denial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than either to _David_ or _Peter_.

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_, _Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau’s_ fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

159. Yet this consideration about _Judas’s_ sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.

161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should indeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present_. _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much beforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_ Ranters _use to help themselves withal_.

162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’_Tis too late_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but condemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_, _how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the blessing_, _but was rejected_. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the issues thereof_? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his bowels gushed out_. Acts i. 18.

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on _Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath received gifts for the rebellious_. Psalm lxviii. 18. The _rebellious_, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in particular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_ against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.

169. I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?

170. Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.

171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_; _you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, _Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_, _return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._

174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, _Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ_? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, _No_. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, _See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh_. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; _I thought then what here I should be loth to speak_. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again.

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, _That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my case_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the Mediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_; _and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore now to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing God has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before_.

177. _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several years already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His ears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you sin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray still_? This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when _Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go up to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might with tears_. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer_. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_ would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I have rejected them_. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, _Pray not for him_, _for I have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: _Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues thereof_?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, _He thought so too_. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, _That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_, _and who can turn Him_! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_. Acts iv. 12.

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_, _the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_, _despised_, _and abused_. _This is the only Saviour_, _the only Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in your heart_, Let Him go, if He will. _Now_, _therefore_, _you are severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. _The dread of them was upon me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_, _He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_; _neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; _Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more dominion over Him_. Rom. vi. 9.

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the rocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! _This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always crying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_! I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: _This sin is not unto death_. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou find out such a word as this_! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if _this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love_. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I will love thee for ever_.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should stand_? _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be feared_. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_, _that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their transgressions_.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. _For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_, _if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_. Heb. vi. 4–6. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_, _which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_, yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_, _Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing Thou wilt and canst_.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for evermore_? _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.