Chapter XIX: Varieties

IT seemed to Beryl that she had never known Diana Fenwick in so trying a mood as during the next few weeks. Probably the very fact that she was herself struggling to feel differently towards Diana made her the more sensitive to unkindness in word or manner. She sometimes thought the struggle a hopeless one. She "could not" forgive Mrs. Fenwick, "could not" conquer the bitter and resentful sensations which sprang into being, so soon as the two were together.

There were of course two sides to the question. Mrs. Fenwick was to be pitied as well as Beryl. If she was a trial to Beryl, Beryl was a trial to her. She did not love Beryl, but she loved money or money's worth, and she had spent money on Beryl, and for her spending, she had no return. She could not but know herself to be heartily disliked by Beryl, and this dislike she heartily returned, yet she felt herself after a fashion compelled or impelled to admit her as a perpetual inmate of her home.

Diana's extra irritability these weeks had also another cause, unsuspected by any around her. Had Beryl guessed it, had she known of the shadow which hovered over Diana's path, had she seen the despairing tears which the little widow often shed in private, her resentment would all have melted into pity.

Moreover, Pearl's state was annoying to Diana. She disliked the visible presence of grief, and could not understand the expression of it lasting in another more than a few days. Wounds of that description were apt in Diana's heart to heal quickly. For a week or more she was interested in Pearl's distress, and was rather disposed to encourage it, both by tender caresses and by much talk concerning "poor dear Ivor." Then she grew tired of tears and woeful looks, and took to reprimanding in place of coaxing. Pearl only cried and drooped the more for sharp words, would not eat, refused to go out, and slept away half her days in a sort of exhaustion of chronic misery. If not ill yet, she seemed likely to become so soon.

Meantime, Beryl went to the Confirmation classes; and though Diana complained often and much about the inconvenience of sparing her, she was never actually kept away. To have missed any one of the number would have been a real trouble to Beryl. She had never before been in the way of a steady course of religious instruction, wisely and thoughtfully administered, and she drank it all in with thirstiness. Mr. Bishop was a grave and elderly man, not powerful in preaching, but exceedingly earnest, and possessing an unusual gift for systematic exposition. The effect of his teaching, upon Beryl at least, was to cause eager reading of the Bible,—and not reading only, but also searching and comparing. She took notes in her own simple fashion, conned them over, copied and learnt many of the texts, and dwelt much upon them in mind. Questions in the class were seldom answered by her, but the intent face was noticed often by Mr. Bishop with pleasure.

The classes were supplemented by scraps of conversation with Miss Carmichael. Mrs. Fenwick threw many difficulties into the way of intercourse in that direction, but she did not entirely prevent it. Hester generally left the two alone together. Beryl had little to say, beyond the asking of a few questions, but she listened unweariedly to whatever Miss Carmichael might choose to utter. These weeks of preparation were found by Beryl, as they have been found by so many, a time of real good to her spiritual being—a time of awakening to clearer views of things unseen, and a time of food for soul-thirstiness.

Yet when the hour for decision drew near, she was doubting still what to do. Had she forgiven Mrs. Fenwick yet? Beryl thought not. "Could" she come forward to be confirmed? She was conscientiously afraid of deceiving herself. "Ought" was a word which weighed strongly with Beryl. She had not yet reached higher than a general sense of duty, but hers was not a self-pleasing nature.

The sisters did not draw closer together, as Miss Carmichael had expected, in consequence of Pearl's trouble. Pearl seemed to shrink into her shell, and to refuse sympathy; and Beryl did not offer it. She waited on Pearl, kept her company, and read to her by the hour together, but her stolid composure never relaxed at home as it relaxed at Miss Carmichael's.

Millicent Cumming was still at Weston, nursing Escott, who had been laid aside by a sharp attack of illness since his brother's death; and Mr. Crosbie and Marian were still with her. Beryl, though much absorbed in her own interests, saw that certain plans were under discussion, not altogether pleasing to Diana. The latter had taken to watching nervously for the postman, and over her letters from Marian she exhibited often a petulant annoyance.

Matters appeared one morning to have reached a culminating point. Pearl had always taken breakfast in bed of late, and Beryl alone sat at table with Mrs. Fenwick. The postman had brought two or three letters, one of which was evidently from Marian. Beryl was astonished to see Mrs. Fenwick suddenly tear the latter across, fling it to the ground, and stamp her foot upon it.

"I knew how it would be! Just what I expected!" Diana said passionately. "It is always the way. People just make use of one as long as it suits their convenience, and then throw one over like an old shoe. Marian was glad enough to have a home with me, when she had nowhere else to go. But I might have expected this. Everybody's convenience is always to be consulted before mine. If Milly does but hold up a finger, she gets it all her own way."

"Is anything the matter?" asked Beryl.

"A great deal is the matter. I never saw anything like it, for my part. One would think I was a child of six years old, to have things settled over my head in this fashion. 'Of course I shall agree that the plan is wise and right!' Of course I shall do nothing of the sort! I intend to give Marian my mind about it,—let her know for once what I really think. I shall tell her she may please herself, and 'I' shall please 'my'self. Cool!"

"Is not Miss Crosbie coming home next week?" asked Beryl.

"No, she is not. She will not come next week or any week. If she wishes for independence, she shall have it, and so will I."

Beryl waited, really afraid to speak. Diana's face recalled to her the day of the broken vase.

"As if nothing in the world were to be considered but Millicent's fancies! As if nobody in the world needed change except Escott! As if Mr. Crosbie could not go with them, if he chose! But 'I' shall go all the same. I will not be put upon like this."

"Go where?" asked Beryl.

"To the Engadine. They know well enough that I intend it, and this is a trick to stop me. But I will not be stopped. I shall go, and I shall take Pearl with me, as I told Marian I would. If Marian chooses to break through her promise of coming home next week, it is her own look-out. I shall tell her so plainly, and I shall take care that friends understand."

Beryl wondered what was to become of herself, and also felt generally mystified concerning the cause of all this anger.

"Are you going soon?" she asked.

"Of course I am. Next week."

"And Miss Crosbie was to have been here with me?" said Beryl.

"Of course," repeated Diana sharply. "I don't know, I am sure, what to do with you now. Marian is the most inconsiderate creature I ever knew, and she takes a positive pleasure in crossing me."

The door opened, and Pearson said, "If you please, ma'am, could Miss Carmichael have a word with you?"

Diana's face and bearing were suddenly transformed. She did not like to be found in a passion by anybody out of her home circle, and she certainly possessed a power of controlling herself when she would. There was an impatient mutter, "What on earth does she want?" And then a cordial—"Show her in at once,"—uttered distinctly enough for Miss Carmichael to hear. A little flushed still, but gracious and smiling, Diana rose to greet the early caller.

"I must apologise for the hour," Miss Carmichael said, shaking hands with Diana, and kissing Beryl. "You have not finished breakfast yet."

"O yes, we have—quite," said Diana pleasantly. "We were merely talking about a letter—rather a disagreeable one—which I have received."

"I don't like disagreeable letters," said Miss Carmichael.

"This is from my sister Marian. It is disagreeable because it overturns my plans," said Diana, speaking with composure. "Mrs. Cumming is thinking of going abroad with her son for some months, and Marian has decided to live with Mr. Crosbie while they are away. It is inconvenient to me—extremely. But my sister does not think about that. It is extremely inconvenient."

"You will have to make use of Beryl, in Miss Crosbie's absence," said Miss Carmichael.

"I do not know how to manage in the least. Marian knows that I intend going abroad in a week or two myself with Pearl,—that in fact it is a positive necessity. She was to have been here with Beryl. The change of plans has quite thrown me out."

Miss Carmichael looked at Diana in her attentive way, and said somewhat gravely:—"Yes, I think change of air would be good for you, as well as for Pearl."

"I must have it," said Diana, with a quick nervous glance back, as if to see what Miss Carmichael meant. "And Pearl will be ill, if I do not get her away. But I cannot afford to take Beryl too."

"Beryl is quite strong, so it is not necessary; and also there is the Confirmation. She will do very well here."

"I don't know. It makes a difference—in other ways—my sister not being with me," said Diana, drawn on to be confidential, as almost everybody was with Miss Carmichael. "I shall have to send the servants home for a holiday, and shut up my house. My uncle and Marian are staying on at Weston for some time—he has taken such a fancy to the place. Beryl will have to go to them there. I don't suppose my uncle will like it, for he is dreadfully fanciful; but I don't see what else is to be done."

"But the Confirmation!" Beryl broke out involuntarily, though not yet clear as to her own wishes about being confirmed.

"Yes, the Confirmation!" echoed Miss Carmichael. "I can propose a better plan, Mrs. Fenwick. Will you trust Beryl to me, while you are away? Hester and I will take great care of her."

Mrs. Fenwick certainly had not expected this, and certainly did not like it; but what could she say?

"I don't think you need hesitate," said Miss Carmichael. "We are new acquaintances, but we shall not be so much longer. I love to have young people about me; and Beryl will be no trouble. I shall not scruple to make her a useful individual in the house. It really may be a positive convenience to me, for I am thinking of sending Hester away for a short time, and Hester would not like to leave me alone. Shall we consider the matter settled?"

"Thanks,—you are most kind," said Diana rather faintly.

"Then it is to be so! Now I must not hinder you longer, for it is a busy time of day. We will meet again to arrange details. I must not forget the small matter which so happily brought me over. Could you give me the name of a good dressmaker?"

This business completed, Miss Carmichael left, Beryl accompanying her out to the front door, in a state of wordless happiness.

"Yes, we shall get on together, I think," Miss Carmichael said with a smile, answering the girl's look. "Good-bye, my dear."

And Diana received her with a sharp—

"I suppose it has to be; but mind, Beryl, you are not to make my household affairs the talk of Hurst."

"No," said Beryl, trying instinctively not to look too pleased. "But Miss Carmichael wouldn't repeat anything."

"I don't care whether she would or not. 'You' are not to repeat things to her," said Diana, with an uncomfortable consciousness of "things" better not repeated.