Chapter I: Front Matter

AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ.

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_Myself at the age of 21 from a photograph now in the possession of
the Reverend Simeon Whey_
]

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AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ.

BY HIMSELF

BEING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF
A REALLY GOOD MAN

With
Illustrations by
ROBIN

BOSTON & NEW YORK
HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY
1924

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Printed in Great Britain

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DEDICATED

TO THE MEMORY OF MY DEAR FATHER

AUGUSTUS CARP

OF CAMBERWELL

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CONTENTS

CHAPTER I

PAGE

No apology for writing this book. An 1
imperative duty under present
conditions. Description of my parents
and their personal appearances.
Description of Mon Repos, Angela
Gardens. Long anxiety prior to my
birth. Intense joy when at last this
takes place. My father’s decision as
to my Xtian name. Early selection of
my first godfather

CHAPTER II

Trials of my infancy. Varieties of 9
indigestion. I suffer from a local
erythema. Instance of my father’s
unselfishness. Difficulty in providing
a second godfather. Unexpected
solution of the problem. The ceremony
of my baptism. A narrow escape. Was it
culpable carelessness? My father
transfers his worship to St.
James-the-Lesser-Still, Peckham Rye

CHAPTER III

My parents’ studies in the upbringing of 18
children. A successful instance of
non-vaccination. Further example of my
father’s consideration for others. My
mother’s ill-health. My parents engage
a charwoman. Her appearance and
character. Physical characteristics of
her son. Deplorable social result of
the war. Continued presumption of
charwoman’s son. I rebuff him.
Affection for grey rabbit. Charwoman’s
son’s cannon and the use made of it by
him. Scenes of violence, and
intervention of my father.
Intervention of charwoman. A lethargic
vicar. Was he also immoral? My father
transfers his worship to St.
James-the-Least-of-All

CHAPTER IV

Further years of boyhood and additional 30
crosses. Progress in study and music.
I excel at the game of Nuts in May. I
am to go to Hopkinson House School.
But Providence again intervenes. I
become a victim of the ring-worm.
Devastating effect of an ointment. Mr.
Balfour Whey and his sons. A brutal
County Court judge. But my father
obtains damages

CHAPTER V

First experiences at Hopkinson House 46
School. It is amongst the masters that
I hope to find spiritual
companionship. I do not do so. Apology
of Mr. Muglington. I am struck by a
football. Subsequent apology of Mr.
Beerthorpe. Degraded habits of my
fellow-scholars. A fearful discovery
and its sequel. Amazing ineptitude of
Mr. Lorton. Concerted assault upon my
person. I am rescued by my father, who
procures a public apology

CHAPTER VI

Reasons for remaining at Hopkinson House 60
School. I pass from boyhood to early
young manhood. Expeditions both urban
and rural in the company of my dear
father. An excellent and little-known
diversion. Youthful adventures by sea
and land. But what is to be my career
on leaving school? Various
alternatives prayerfully considered. A
vision is vouchsafed to us by
Providence. A commercial Xtian. My
first razor

CHAPTER VII

A further vision is vouchsafed to us by 73
Providence. Mr. Chrysostom Lorton and
the sources of his wealth. The debt
owed to me by Mr. Septimus Lorton.
Interview with Mr. and Mrs. Septimus
Lorton. Mr. Septimus Lorton’s
disgraceful attitude. My father is
compelled to be frank with him. What I
discovered in Greenwich Park

CHAPTER VIII

Second interview with Mr. Septimus 89
Lorton. But now the tables are turned.
A pitiful exhibition. My father
demands guarantees. He will write a
letter to Mrs. Chrysostom Lorton. My
father’s ordeal. When it was dark

CHAPTER IX

Effect upon my father of his disclosure. 95
My Xtian confidence in journeying to
Enfield. Paternoster Towers and its
mistress. Unfortunate detachment of my
posterior trouser-buttons. Triumphant
success of my interview. A kindly
parlourmaid and her male friend. I
secure a position under Mr. Chrysostom
Lorton. Melancholy death of Silas Whey

CHAPTER X

Precautionary measures on entering 111
commercial life. I join the _N.S.L._
and the _S.P.S.D.T._ A crying need in
the conduct of prayer-meetings. I join
the _A.D.S.U._ Personal appearance of
Ezekiel Stool. Personal appearance of
his five sisters. Predicament of
Ezekiel Stool on the fifth of
November. A timely instance of
presence of mind. I am invited to a
meal at the Stools’ residence. A
foreshadowing of sinister events

CHAPTER XI

Design for my grandfather’s tomb. Death 125
and interment of Mrs. Emily Smith and
the aunt that had stood with my
mother’s mother at the bottom of the
stairs. Effect upon my father’s
health. Alexander Carkeek and his
sons. Arrival home from the Stools.
First tidings of the new lectern. My
father’s interview with the vicar.
Curious instance of transposition of
consonants. My father rehearses his
denunciation. Arrival of Simeon Whey.
My father repeats his denunciation

CHAPTER XII

Breakfast finds us calm but grave. My 144
mother is allowed to accompany us to
church. My father’s clothing and
general demeanour. Remarks of Simeon
Whey on my father’s hat. First
impressions of the new lectern.
Unmistakable evidences of guilt. The
vicar’s feeble apologia. A devilish
device and its disastrous results. I
race with Corkran for half-a-crown. My
poor father is three times dropped

CHAPTER XIII

Description of the injuries sustained by 158
my father. A supremely difficult
medical problem. Legal assistance of
Mr. Balfour Whey. Infamous decisions
and public comments. A quiet church
and obliging clergy. Surprising
character-growth of Ezekiel. A
distasteful proposition generously put
forward. Disgusting behaviour of a
show-room manager

CHAPTER XIV

Person and character of Mr. Archibald 170
Maidstone. Irreverent attitude towards
the firm’s publications. Would-be
laxity of two constables. Their tardy
performance of an obvious duty.
Deplorable condition of my Sunday
trousers. Their effect on Miss
Botterill and Mr. Chrysostom Lorton.
The arrival and influence of the
Reverend Eugene Cake. Mr. Maidstone is
dismissed and I succeed him. Complete
discomfiture of his three elder
children

CHAPTER XV

Happy years. A typical day. Simeon Whey 185
is at last ordained. His first sermon
at St. Sepulchre’s, Balham. Intensive
campaign of the _A.D.S.U._ I meet Miss
Moonbeam and call her Mary. Affecting
appeal not to leave her in darkness. I
promise not to do so. A face to lean
on. Will I come again? Adventure on
the stage of the Empresses Theatre

CHAPTER XVI

Disappointing attitude of Ezekiel. 204
Suggested nuptials of Miss Moonbeam.
An occasion for tact and postponement.
I am obliged to write a letter.
Ezekiel accompanies me to the
Empresses Theatre. We are a little
taken back by the numbers to be
rescued. An apparently delightful
beverage. I address Miss Moonbeam’s
friends on the subject of temperance.
Ezekiel addresses them on the evils of
the drama. We arrange a meeting.
Description of meeting

CHAPTER XVII

Profound depression subsequent to 234
port-poisoning. An iniquitous plot and
its consequences. Insubordination of
Miss Botterill. I retire from the firm
of Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. A crushing
rejoinder and its repetition. Second
journey to Enfield. Transformation of
Mrs. Chrysostom’s boudoir. Unexpected
repentance of Mrs. Chrysostom.
Unfortunate results of this for
myself. Fruitless termination of
interview

CHAPTER XVIII

Physical reaction following my interview 252
with Mrs. Chrysostom. Reception of a
wreath from the Maidstones. Moving
excerpt from Simeon’s diary. I decide
to marry one of Ezekiel’s sisters.
Interview with Ezekiel and his
deplorable language. Tact is selected
to become my bride. Tragic return to
Mon Repos. I fall unconscious,
parallel to my father