Chapter V: Act IV

SCENE I.--_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House._ _Enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE. _Nurse_. Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is to be? _Miss Hoyd_. O Lord, nurse, I'm so overjoyed I can scarce contain myself! _Nurse_. Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; for men, nowadays, hate a woman that loves 'em. _Miss Hoyd_. Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse? Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but once married to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what work I'll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a lady both, ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shall have money enough to do so too, nurse. _Nurse_. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for though these lords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say, they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle it about in their coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madam sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buy her a Practice of Piety. _Miss Hoyd_. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourself, nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an open house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me six hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me to buy petticoats? _Nurse_. Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he's no better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got a gibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they call pin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down to their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that some ladies, if they'll have gallants as they call 'em, are forced to find them out of their pin-money too.--But look, look, if his honour be not coming to you!--Now, if I were sure you would behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together. _Miss Hoyd_. That's my best nurse; do as you'd be done by. Trust us together this once, and if I don't show my breeding, I wish I may never be married, but die an old maid. _Nurse_. Well, this once I'll venture you. But if you disparage me-- _Miss Hoyd_. Never fear. [_Exit_ NURSE.] _Enter_ TOM FASHION. _Fash_. Your servant, madam; I'm glad to find you alone, for I have something of importance to speak to you about. _Miss Hoyd_. Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to me about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer. _Fash_. You give so obliging an one, it encourages me to tell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest and mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent to perform what he desires. _Miss Hoyd_. Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but eating green gooseberries. _Fash_. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife. I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far consider the violence of my love, that you won't have the cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it. _Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord, how long is that? _Fash_. Madam, a thousand years--a whole week. _Miss Hoyd_. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning, as soon as I was up. I'm sure nurse told me so. _Fash_. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'll consent. _Miss Hoyd_. If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey you as my husband. _Fash_. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obey you. _Miss Hoyd_. Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it's the same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married you shall obey me. _Fash_. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse on our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain. _Miss Hoyd_. No more we shan't, indeed; for he loves her better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preaching to her by his good will. _Fash_. Why then, my dear, if you'll call her hither we'll persuade her presently. _Miss Hoyd_. O Lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade her to anything. _Fash_. How's that? _Miss Hoyd_. Why tell her she's a handsome comely woman, and give her half a crown. _Fash_. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of 'em. _Miss Hoyd_. O gemini! for half that she'd marry you herself.--I'll run and call her. [_Exit.] Fash_. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl, i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London. _Enter_ LORY. So, Lory, what's the matter? _Lory_. Here, sir--an intercepted packet from the enemy; your brother's postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretended to be a servant of Sir Tunbelly's, and so got possession of the letter. _Fash. [Looks at the letter_.] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly here that he will be with him this evening, with a large party to supper.--Egad, I must marry the girl directly. _Lory_. Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here she comes. [_Exit_.] _Fash_. And the old Jezebel with her. _Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE. How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse? I desired your young lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your extraordinary care and kind conduct in her education: pray accept this small acknowledgment for it at present, and depend upon my further kindness when I shall be that happy thing, her husband. [_Gives her money._] _Nurse_. [_Aside_.] Gold, by the maakins!-- [_Aloud_.] Your honour's goodness is too great. Alas! all I can boast of is, I gave her pure and good milk, and so your honour would have said, an you had seen how the poor thing thrived, and how it would look up in my face, and crow and laugh, it would. _Miss Hoyd_. [_To_ NURSE, _taking her angrily aside_.] Pray, one word with you. Pr'ythee, nurse, don't stand ripping up old stories, to make one ashamed before one's love. Do you think such a fine proper gentleman as he is cares for a fiddlecome tale of a child? If you have a mind to make him have a good opinion of a woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell him what one can do now.--[_To_ Tom FASHION.] I hope your honour will excuse my mis-manners to whisper before you. It was only to give some orders about the family. _Fash_. Oh, everything, madam, is to give way to business; besides, good housewifery is a very commendable quality in a young lady. _Miss Hoyd_. Pray, sir, are young ladies good housewives at London-town? Do they darn their own linen? _Fash_. Oh no, they study how to spend money, not to save. _Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, I don't know but that may be better sport, eh, nurse? _Fash_. Well, you have your choice, when you come there. _Miss Hoyd_. Shall I? then, by my troth, I'll get there as fast as I can.--[_To_ NURSE.] His honour desires you'll be so kind as to let us be married to-morrow. _Nurse_. To-morrow, my dear madam? _Fash_. Ay, faith, nurse, you may well be surprised at miss's wanting to put it off so long. To-morrow! no, no; 'tis now, this very hour, I would have the ceremony performed. _Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart. _Nurse_. O mercy! worse and worse! _Fash._ Yes, sweet nurse, now and privately; for all things being signed and sealed, why should Sir Tunbelly make us stay a week for a wedding-dinner? _Nurse._ But if you should be married now, what will you do when Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be married? _Miss Hoyd._ Why then we will be married again. _Nurse._ What twice, my child? _Miss Hoyd._ Ecod, I don't care how often I'm married, not I. _Nurse._ Well, I'm such a tender-hearted fool, I find I can refuse you nothing. So you shall e'en follow your own inventions. _Miss Hoyd._ Shall I? O Lord, I could leap over the moon! _Fash._ Dear nurse, this goodness of yours shall be still more rewarded. But now you must employ your power with the chaplain, that he may do this friendly office too, and then we shall be all happy. Do you think you can prevail with him? _Nurse._ Prevail with him! or he shall never prevail with me, I can tell him that. _Fash._ I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your interest with him, you may let him know I have several fat livings in my gift, and that the first that falls shall be in your disposal. _Nurse._ Nay, then, I'll make him marry more folks than one, I'll promise him! _Miss Hoyd._ Faith, do, nurse, make him marry you too; I'm sure he'll do't for a fat living. _Fash._ Well, nurse, while you go and settle matters with him, your lady and I will go and take a walk in the garden.-- [_Exit_ NURSE.] Come, madam, dare you venture yourself alone with me? [_Takes_ MISS HOYDEN _by the hand.] Miss Hoyd._ Oh dear, yes, sir; I don't think you'll do anythink to me, I need be afraid on. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE II.--AMANDA's _Dressing-room._ _Enter_ AMANDA _followed by her_ MAID. _Maid._ If you please, madam, only to say whether you'll have me buy them or not? _Aman._ Yes--no--Go, teaser; I care not what you do. Pr'ythee, leave me. [_Exit_ MAID.] _Enter_ BERINTHIA. _Ber._ What, in the name of Jove, is the matter with you? _Aman._ The matter, Berinthia! I'm almost mad; I'm plagued to death. _Ber._ Who is it that plagues you? _Aman._ Who do you think should plague a wife but her husband? _Ber._ O, ho! is it come to that?--We shall have you wish yourself a widow, by-and-by. _Aman._ Would I were anything but what I am! A base, ungrateful man, to use me thus! _Ber._ What, has he given you fresh reason to suspect his wandering? _Aman._ Every hour gives me reason. _Ber._ And yet, Amanda, you perhaps at this moment cause in another's breast the same tormenting doubts and jealousies which you feel so sensibly yourself. _Aman._ Heaven knows I would not. _Ber._ Why, you can't tell but there may be some one as tenderly attached to Townly, whom you boast of as your conquest, as you can be to your husband? _Aman._ I'm sure, I never encouraged his pretensions. _Ber._ Psha! psha! no sensible man ever perseveres to love without encouragement. Why have you not treated him as you have Lord Foppington? _Aman._ Because he presumed not so far. But let us drop the subject. Men, not women, are riddles. Mr. Loveless now follows some flirt for variety, whom I'm sure he does not like so well as he does me. _Ber._ That's more than you know, madam. _Aman._ Why, do you know the ugly thing? _Ber._ I think I can guess at the person; but she's no such ugly thing neither. _Aman._ Is she very handsome? _Ber._ Truly I think so. _Aman._ Whate'er she be, I'm sure he does not like her well enough to bestow anything more than a little outward gallantry upon her. _Ber._ [_Aside._] Outward gallantry! I can't bear this.-- [_Aloud._] Come, come, don't you be too secure, Amanda: while you suffer Townly to imagine that you do not detest him for his designs on you, you have no right to complain that your husband is engaged elsewhere. But here comes the person we were speaking of. _Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY. _Col. Town._ Ladies, as I come uninvited, I beg, if I intrude, you will use the same freedom in turning me out again. _Aman._ I believe it is near the time Loveless said he would be at home. He talked of accepting Lord Foppington's invitation to sup at Sir Tunbelly Clumsy's. _Col. Town._ His lordship has done me the honour to invite me also. If you'll let me escort you, I'll let you into a mystery as we go, in which you must play a part when we arrive. _Aman._ But we have two hours yet to spare; the carriages are not ordered till eight, and it is not a five minutes' drive. So, cousin, let us keep the colonel to play at piquet with us, till Mr. Loveless comes home. _Ber._ As you please, madam; but you know I have a letter to write. _Col. Town._ Madam, you know you may command me, though I am a very wretched gamester. _Aman._ Oh, you play well enough to lose your money, and that's all the ladies require; and so, without any more ceremony, let us go into the next room, and call for cards and candles. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE III.--BERINTHIA'S _Dressing-room._ _Enter_ LOVELESS. _Love._ So, thus far all's well: I have got into her dressing-room, and it being dusk, I think nobody has perceived me steal into the house. I heard Berinthia tell my wife she had some particular letters to write this evening, before she went to Sir Tunbelly's, and here are the implements of correspondence.--How shall I muster up assurance to show myself, when she comes? I think she has given me encouragement; and, to do my impudence justice, I have made the most of it.--I hear a door open, and some one coming. If it should be my wife, what the devil should I say? I believe she mistrusts me, and, by my life, I don't deserve her tenderness. However, I am determined to reform, though not yet. Ha! Berinthia!--So, I'll step in here, till I see what sort of humour she is in. [_Goes into the closet_.] _Enter_ BERINTHIA. _Ber_. Was ever so provoking a situation! To think I should sit and hear him compliment Amanda to my face! I have lost all patience with them both! I would not for something have Loveless know what temper of mind they have piqued me into; yet I can't bear to leave them together. No, I'll put my papers away, and return, to disappoint them.--[_Goes to the closet_.]--O Lord! a ghost! a ghost! a ghost! _Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. Peace, my angel; it's no ghost, but one worth a hundred spirits. _Ber_. How, sir, have you had the insolence to presume to-- run in again; here's somebody coming. [LOVELESS _goes into the closet_.] _Enter_ MAID. _Maid_. O Lord, ma'am, what's the matter? _Ber_. O Heavens! I'm almost frightened out of my wits! I thought verily I had seen a ghost, and 'twas nothing but a black hood pinned against the wall. You may go again; I am the fearfullest fool! [Exit MAID.] _Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. Is the coast clear? _Ber_. The coast clear! Upon my word, I wonder at your assurance. _Love_. Why, then, you wonder before I have given you a proof of it. But where's my wife? _Ber_. At cards. _Love_. With whom? _Ber_. With Townly. _Love_. Then we are safe enough. _Ber_. You are so! Some husbands would be of another mind, were he at cards with their wives. _Love_. And they'd be in the right on't, too; but I dare trust mine. _Ber_. Indeed! and she, I doubt not, has the same confidence in you. Yet, do you think she'd be content to come and find you here? _Love_. Egad, as you say, that's true!--Then for fear she should come, hadn't we better go into the next room, out of her way? _Ber_. What, in the dark? _Love_. Ay, or with a light, which you please. _Ber_. You are certainly very impudent. _Love_. Nay, then--let me conduct you, my angel! _Ber_. Hold, hold! you are mistaken in your angel, I assure you. _Love_. I hope not; for by this hand I swear-- _Ber_. Come, come, let go my hand, or I shall hate you!-- I'll cry out, as I live! _Love_. Impossible! you cannot be so cruel. _Ber_. Ha! here's some one coming. Begone instantly. _Love_. Will you promise to return, if I remain here? _Ber_. Never trust myself in a room again with you while I live. _Love_. But I have something particular to communicate to you. _Ber_. Well, well, before we go to Sir Tunbelly's, I'll walk upon the lawn. If you are fond of a moonlight evening, you'll find me there. _Love_. I'faith, they're coming here now! I take you at your word. [_Exit into the closet_.] _Ber_. 'Tis Amanda, as I live! I hope she has not heard his voice; though I mean she should have her share of jealousy in her turn. _Enter_ AMANDA. _Aman_. Berinthia, why did you leave me? _Ber_. I thought I only spoiled your party. _Aman_. Since you have been gone, Townly has attempted to renew his importunities. I must break with him, for I cannot venture to acquaint Mr. Loveless with his conduct. _Ber_. Oh, no! Mr. Loveless mustn't know of it by any means. _Aman_. Oh, not for the world--I wish, Berinthia, you would undertake to speak to Townly on the subject. _Ber_. Upon my word, it would be a very pleasant subject for me to talk upon! But, come, let us go back; and you may depend on't I'll not leave you together again, if I can help it. [_Exeunt_.] _Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. So--so! a pretty piece of business I have overheard! Townly makes love to my wife, and I am not to know it for all the world. I must inquire into this--and, by Heaven, if I find that Amanda has, in the smallest degree--yet what have I been at here!--Oh, 'sdeath! that's no rule.

That wife alone unsullied credit wins,
Whose virtues can atone her husband's sins,
Thus, while the man has other nymphs in view,
It suits the woman to be doubly true.
[_Exit_.]