Chapter M

was a Millionaire who sat at Table,
And ate like this--

as long as he was able;
At half-past twelve the waiters turned him out:
He lived impoverished and died of gout.

MORAL.

Disgusting exhibition! Have a care
When, later on, you are a Millionaire,
To rise from table feeling you could still
Take something more, and not be really ill.

N

stands for Ned, Maria's younger brother,

Who, walking one way, chose to gaze the other.
In Blandford Square--a crowded part of town--
Two People on a tandem knocked him down;
Whereat

a Motor Car, with warning shout,
Ran right on top and turned him inside out:
The damages that he obtained from these
Maintained him all his life in cultured ease.

MORAL.

The law protects you. Go your gentle way:
The Other Man has always got to Pay.

O

stands for Oxford. Hail! salubrious seat
Of learning! Academical Retreat!
Home of my Middle Age! Malarial Spot
Which People call Medeeval (though it's not).
The marshes in the neighbourhood can vie
With Cambridge, but the town itself is dry,
And serves to make a kind of Fold or Pen

Wherein to herd a lot of Learned Men.
Were I to write but half of what they know,
It would exhaust the space reserved for "O";
And, as my book must not be over big,
I turn at once to "P," which stands for Pig.

MORAL.

Be taught by this to speak with moderation
Of places where, with decent application,
One gets a good, sound, middle-class education.

P

stands for Pig, as I remarked before,
A second cousin to the Huge Wild Boar.
But Pigs are civilized, while Huge Wild Boars

Live savagely, at random, out of doors,
And, in their coarse contempt for dainty foods,
Subsist on Truffles, which they find in woods.
Not so the cultivated Pig, who feels
The need of several courses at his meals,
But wrongly thinks it does not matter whether
He takes them one by one

or all together.
Hence, Pigs devour, from lack of self-respect,
What Epicures would certainly reject.

MORAL.

Learn from the Pig to take whatever Fate
Or Elder Persons heap upon your plate.

Q

for Quinine, which children take

With Jam and little bits of cake.

MORAL.

How idiotic! Can Quinine
Replace Cold Baths and Sound Hygiene?

R

the Reviewer,

reviewing my book,
At which he had barely intended to look;
But the very first lines upon "A" were enough
To convince him the _Verses_ were excellent stuff.
So he wrote, without stopping, for several days
In terms of extreme, but well-merited Praise.
To quote but one Passage: "No Person" (says he),
"Will be really content without purchasing three,
"While a Parent will send for a dozen or more,
"And strew them about on the Nursery Floor.
"The Versification might call for some strictures
"Were it not for its singular wit; while the Pictures,
"Tho' the handling of line is a little defective,
"Make up amply in _verve_ what they lack in perspective."

MORAL.

The habit of constantly telling the Truth
Will lend an additional lustre to Youth.

S

stands for Snail, who, though he be the least,
Is not an uninstructive Hornèd Beast.

His eyes are on his Horns, and when you shout
Or tickle them, the Horns go in and out.
Had Providence seen proper to endow
The furious Unicorn or sober Cow
With such a gift the one would never now
Appear so commonplace on Coats of Arms.
And what a fortune for our failing farms
If circus managers, with wealth untold,
Would take the Cows for half their weight in gold!

MORAL.

Learn from the Snail to take reproof with patience,
And not put out your Horns on all occasions.

T

for the Genial Tourist, who resides
In Peckham, where he writes Italian Guides.

MORAL.

Learn from this information not to cavil
At slight mistakes in books on foreign travel.

U

for the Upas Tree,

that casts a blight
On those that pull their sisters' hair, and fight.

But oh! the Good! They wander undismayed,
And (as the Subtle Artist has portrayed)
Dispend the golden hours at play beneath its shade.[B]

MORAL.

Dear Reader, if you chance to catch a sight
Of Upas Trees, betake yourself to flight.

[B]
A friend of mine, a Botanist, believes
That Good can even browse upon its leaves.
I doubt it....

V for

the unobtrusive Volunteer,
Who fills the Armies of the World with fear.

MORAL.

Seek with the Volunteer to put aside
The empty Pomp of Military Pride.

W

My little victim, let me trouble you
To fix your active mind on W.

The WATERBEETLE here shall teach
A sermon far beyond your reach:
He flabbergasts the Human Race
By gliding on the water's face
With ease, celerity, and grace;
_But if he ever stopped to think
Of how he did it, he would sink._

MORAL.

Don't ask Questions!