Chapter VII: Act I: Scene I

THE HIGHROAD BEFORE MRS. JUDITH’S HOUSE.

_Enter CHARLES._

CHARLES. A cold, wet, and misty evening, and above all to one whose pockets are not lined! My foolish fancy for the Stage has brought me to a declining stage, if not a stage of decline. Heigh ho! how dark it is getting! Just the sort of place to meet with a ghost of Hamlet, not the sort of hamlet that I’m looking after, for I have done with theatrical effects,--I wish that I had done with the effects of cold. How dark and gloomy that church steeple looks over the trees! I’m close to a churchyard, I suppose. And--ey! ey! what on earth are those white things upon the grass? Clothes put out to dry; what an ass I was not to see that before! but fasting makes one nervous. There’s a house. How cheerful the lights look in it! I hear the sound of a piano going. There must be ladies there, and ladies are ever good and kind. What if I were to try my fortune at the door? My poor namesake Prince Charlie must have put wanderers into fashion. Northumberland is near enough to Scotland to have imbibed a little of its spirit of romance. Poor Prince! we are fellows in misfortune as we were partners in ambition. We both sought to play the King, I on the boards, he in Britain; but his frea-king and my moc-king are both changed to aching on the moors, and a skul-king too, which makes us as thin as skeletons. I’ll try and muster up courage for a knock. [_Knocks._]

I should not look the worse for a new coat, I think. My knee-ribbons are bleached quite pale with the wind and the rain. _Mais n’importe!_ the man, the man remains the same! These locks have proved the keys to a Lady’s heart e’er now; and then wit and eloquence! When I was flogged at school for affirming that a furbelow must be an article, as I knew it to be an article of dress, my Master observed that all my brains lay at the root of my tongue; and the best position for them too, say I! Who would keep a prompter to bellow to one from the top of the Monument, and where’s the use of carrying one’s brains so high, that one must send a carrier pigeon express for one’s thoughts before one can express them at all? Better have wit to cover ignorance, than silence to conceal sense. One can’t squint into a man’s head to see what it contains. Here comes a light to the door: now for the encounter.

_WEASEL opens the door._

Is Mrs. [_coughs_] at home? Pray present my compliments to her, and say that a gentleman who has lost his way entreats the favour of shelter for a night under her hospitable roof.

WEASEL. Shall I take up your name, Sir?

CHARLES. No, Sir, you may take up my words. [_Exit WEASEL._] Had the fellow been a Constable he might have taken me up also, for in this apparel I look more like a highwayman than a gentleman in a highway. How very cold it is! I wish that the triangular-nosed fellow would make haste; and yet my heart misgives me. I must ‘screw my courage to the sticking point!’ Impudence, impudence is my passport! I hear him shuffling downstairs. Be hardy, bold, and resolute, my heart.

_WEASEL opens the door._

WEASEL. Sir, my Mistress begs you to walk up.

CHARLES. Go on, go on, I’ll follow thee! [_Exeunt._]

SCENE II.

THE PARLOUR OF MRS. JUDITH’S HOUSE.

_CHARLES. MRS. JUDITH. THE MISSES SOPHIA, BARBARA, and HORATIA RATTLETON._

CHARLES. For all this unmerited kindness, most kind and fair ladies, a lonely wanderer can only return you thanks.

[_The young Ladies whisper together._]

SOPHIA. Handsome, isn’t he?

HORATIA. Such a flow of eloquence, such a command of language.

BARBARA. I wonder, Ratty, who he is.

MRS. JUD. Do you come from the North, Sir?

CHARLES. I have spent the last few months there, Madam, though I was not born in Scotland. They were unfortunate months to me. I came to England on my Company’s being broken up.

HORATIA. Your Company! did you serve King George?

CHARLES. No, Miss, I tried to serve myself.

HORATIA. [_Aside to Barbara._] Strange, is it not?

SOPHIA. Why was your company broken up?

CHARLES. Because we were not able to raise a Sovereign amongst us. We were sadly cut up.

HORATIA. [_Eagerly._] By the Dragoons?

CHARLES. [_Laughing._] Do not inquire too closely, fair Lady.

MRS. JUD. May I ask your name, Sir?

CHARLES. Charles Stu-- [_Aside._] Ass that I am!

MRS. JUD. I beg your pardon, Sir, I did not hear you.

CHARLES. [_Aside._] The first word that comes! [_Aloud._] Dapple, Madam, Dapple. [_Aside._] I might have hit on a more romantic name, but my brain seems in a whirl.

HORATIA. It is a very curious study to trace the derivations....

MRS. JUD. Any way related to the Dapples of....

SOPHIA. Down, Adonis, down! your dirty little paws....

HORATIA. One would suppose them sometimes prophetical of future events. Who can deny that Hanover....

BARBARA. Our family name of....

HORATIA. [_Raising her voice._] Who can deny that Hanover has a great resemblance to Hand-over, or that Cumberland is as just a denomination for the bloody Duke as if....

SOPHIA. Pretty little pet he is, is he not?

BARBARA. Our family name of Rattleton is said to be derived from a famous Ancestor of ours, a chief of the ancient Britons....

MRS. JUD. My Cousin by the Mother’s side....

BARBARA. Whose head being cleft from his shoulders as he was driving his chariot into the thickest of....

MRS. JUD. The family of the Goslings....

HORATIA. Also passionately fond of Heraldry....

BARBARA. His spirit seemed unconquered even by the blow which decapitated him, and he drove on....

HORATIA. A Lion rampant over 6 grasshoppers....

BARBARA. Whence our name of Rattle-ton or Rattle-on is said to be derived.

CHARLES. [_Aside._] This is beyond endurance. They stun me. What a nest of parrots I am in! I cannot get in a word.

HORATIA. Thus, Sir, your name of ... I beg your pardon, Sir, it has slipped my memory.

CHARLES. [_Aside._] Hang me, if it has not fairly bolted from mine!

MRS. JUD. Mr. Charles Dapple.

CHARLES. [_Aside._] I’ll change the conversation. [_To Horatia._] You seem much devoted, Miss, to scientific pursuits.

HORATIA. O, they are my delight, my recreation! Ornithology, Mythology, Geology, Conchology, fascinate me. I was first given my taste for the higher branches of these intellectual sciences by....

SOPHIA. Mr. Dapple, have you remarked my pretty little....

HORATIA. My Uncle in the Scilly Isles, whose mind....

SOPHIA. Have you remarked....

HORATIA. A profound genius....

SOPHIA. My little poodle, Adonis?

HORATIA. By-the-by, Mr. Dapple, may I ask your opinion on a much disputed point, where I venture to differ even from my Uncle? What do you think of the Aerolites?

CHARLES. [_Turning to Sophia._] A sweet little dog, indeed: what fine eyes!

HORATIA. Do you think them....

CHARLES. The little pink ribbon round its neck is so becoming.

HORATIA. [_Raising her voice._] Mr. Dapple, Mr. Dapple, do you think the Aerolites....

CHARLES. [_Aside._] Help me, my mother-wits!

HORATIA. Do you agree in the generally received opinion....

CHARLES. [_Aside._] Some political party perhaps!

HORATIA. Or do you think them....

CHARLES. Why, ma’am, I think--I--I am decidedly of opinion--that--that--the....

HORATIA. The Aerolites....

CHARLES. Are nothing more or less than Jacobites.

ALL THE LADIES. Jacobites!

HORATIA. Why, Sir, I always thought them a sort of stone....

CHARLES. Stone-fruit, true, true; I spoke without thinking. Stone-fruit, a species of--of--apricots.

BARBARA. Hark, there is a knock at the door. Peep through the shutters, Ratty, and see who it is.

CHARLES. [_Aside._] A little diversion for me. I am growing so hot. Silence to cover sense would in this case....

HORATIA. ’Tis old Colonel Stumply.

CHARLES. [_Starting up._] Colonel Stumply! I’m dished.

THE LADIES. Why--what--who----

CHARLES. Perhaps you will permit me, ladies, to retire. I feel indisposed--faint! [_Exit._]

MRS. JUD. I must go and welcome my old friend. [_Exit._]

HORATIA. Bab!

BARBARA. Ratty!

HORATIA. What a flash of electricity has burst on my intellect!

SOPHIA. His noble air; his wan features....

HORATIA. A fugitive....

SOPHIA. A wanderer....

HORATIA. His sudden alarm....

SOPHIA. [_Rushing into her arms._] O Ratty, Ratty, what a day! what an honour! what a surprise!

BARBARA. How now, what’s the matter?

HORATIA. Brain of adamant! could not instinct direct you to the feet of your adored Prince?

BARBARA. The Prince! Is it possible?

SOPHIA. Charlie! Charlie! O! what a moment!

HORATIA. Did you not hear him describe the ruin of his army....

SOPHIA. Did you not hear ‘Charles Stew--’ upon his noble tongue....

HORATIA. How he started when he recollected himself....

SOPHIA. And O, how exquisitely pathetic, how touchingly appropriate, the name he gave instead! Dapple; to signify how his fortunes are chequered--Dapple....

BARBARA. How the Jacobites were running in his head when he even....

SOPHIA. Little reason had he to fear us. If Daresby had been here....

BARBARA. And this vile Colonel: no wonder he started off!

SOPHIA. What shall we do to get rid of him?

HORATIA. All that woman ever attempted I am ready to perform.

SOPHIA. I would die for him.

BARBARA. And I too.

SOPHIA. The handsome, brave, dear, darling young Prince! And to think that Daresby’s a Whig!

_Enter MRS. JUDITH and COL. STUMPLY._

COL. Good evening, young Ladies, good evening. I have just returned from the North, where we are everywhere triumphant, and our laurels should ensure us a welcome from beauty. ‘None but the brave, none but the brave deserve the fair,’ you know. Hey, Miss Sophy?

SOPHIA. [_Aside._] Monster!

HORATIA. [_Aside._] Traitor!

BARBARA. [_Aside._] Butcher!

COL. What, all silent and aghast? I shall begin to fear myself unwelcome. Hey, Mrs. Judith? But my Regiment is quartered for the night in the village, and I was sure that I might throw myself on the hospitality of an old friend.

MRS. JUD. We are delighted to see you.

COL. Is your little room unoccupied to-night?

MRS. JUD. To tell the truth there is a young....

HORATIA. [_Aside._] I could beat her! [_Aloud._] It is quite unoccupied, Sir, except--except in this cold weather we keep the pigs there.

COL. The pigs!

MRS. JUD. Why, Ratty....

HORATIA. Oh, it is not fit to receive you, Sir. The chimney tumbled in during the last gale....

MRS. JUD. Why, Ratty....

HORATIA. And every pane of glass is broken.

SOPHIA. [_Aside to Barbara._] O Bab, such lying can never thrive.

MRS. JUD. What strange non....

HORATIA. [_Aside._] How on earth can I stop her tongue? [_Aloud._] Aunt, Aunt, is there any supper prepared for the Colonel?

COL. Anything; anything; the cold ride has sharpened my appetite; but a good blaze like this cheers the heart, and gives me courage to face even the pigs, Miss Ratty!

MRS. JUD. The pigs! why....

HORATIA. Would you like to see that everything is comfortable yourself, Aunt? [_Aside._] I am in a fever!

COL. Turn out the pigs, hey, Mrs. Judith?

MRS. JUD. If I ever....

HORATIA. Go, dear Aunt, precious Aunt, do go.

SOPHIA. A nice little dish of your own making would be so acceptable.

BARBARA. We’ll take care of the Colonel.

MRS. JUD. I cannot com--pre--hend--I---- [_The girls half lead, half push her out._]

COL. You will excuse me, young ladies; I always make a point of looking after my horse myself. [_Exit._]

HORATIA. [_Sinking on a chair._] I am exhausted. Stupid sticks, why did you not assist me?

SOPHIA. I tried, but....

BARBARA. What shall we do now?

SOPHIA. My heart beats so, I shall expire.

BARBARA. The Colonel will stay in spite of the pigs.

SOPHIA. Where can we hide the Prince?

HORATIA. [_Starting up._] A thought has struck me.

SOPHIA. What, what?

HORATIA. You shall hear--it has been done before. You will aid me in the execution of it.

SOPHIA. [_Throwing herself into her arms._] O my Ratty!

HORATIA. We will save him.

BARBARA. We will, we will!

HORATIA. Or perish with him.

SOPHIA. We will.

HORATIA. Come, come, no time is to be lost; let us fly to his succour.

‘Come weal, come woe,
We’ll gather and go,
And live or die wi’ Charlie!’

SCENE III.

A CHURCHYARD BY MOONLIGHT.

_Enter CHARLES, SOPHIA, BARBARA, and HORATIA._

CHARLES. Where on earth are you taking me?

SOPHIA. To safety, to safety.

BARBARA. We know all.

CHARLES. You know all?

HORATIA. Your name, your situation....

CHARLES. Then you must know that the coming of the Colonel is hangably inconvenient to me.

SOPHIA. We tremble at your danger.

HORATIA. We will defend you with our lives.

CHARLES. Excessively kind, but it is not quite come to that yet. A kick or a caning....

SOPHIA. You make us shudder.

CHARLES. But I do not like promenading at this hour in winter! Is it a country fashion? I am very cold, and tired, and sleepy, and I would rather retire to rest.

HORATIA. Here then we have arrived at the spot. Descend, and you will find a bed prepared for you.

CHARLES. Descend! why, hang me if it isn’t a vault!

SOPHIA. If it would please you to descend....

CHARLES. Please me, you barbarous witches! would it please any one to be buried alive? What on earth do you mean?

BARBARA. The only way to preserve your rights....

CHARLES. Rites, do you call these rites? They are very inhuman rites. Anything but the rites of hospitality. To offer a stranger the shelter of your roof, and then make his bed in a vault! This is your spare-room, is it? If I had guessed what you meant to do with your guest, I would not have troubled you with my company.

HORATIA. O, for your Country’s sake....

CHARLES. My Country’s sake! what good can it do my Country? I know your motives, you scientific Monster! you want to make a petrifaction of me.

HORATIA. Is it possible that a treatment so....

CHARLES. A treat meant is it? If you mean it for a treat, I assure you that I do not consider it as one. You may go in yourself and enjoy it.

BARBARA. So short a space ...

CHARLES. A very short space I can see, and a very narrow space too. I’ll be hanged if I get into it!

HORATIA. Who could have expected opposition from such a quarter?

SOPHIA. Can the Hero shrink from so small a trial of his constancy? Oh, descend, descend, and we will admire....

CHARLES. Add mire, you cruel wretches! is there not enough at the bottom already?

HORATIA. We would preserve you.

CHARLES. Didn’t I say so? Some inhuman experiment! But I’ll not be preserved to please you, not I.

SOPHIA. [_Throwing herself at his feet._] O noblest of men! doubt not our fidelity! yield to our agonized entreaties!

[_The others kneel._]

CHARLES. Yield, indeed! I beg you will rise, fair Ladies. I know not if you are jesting; ’tis but a cold jest to me. As for entering that vault, you may kill me before you bury me, for while I’m alive I’ll not go, Ladies; I say I will not go.

HORATIA. Then we must leave him to his fate.

CHARLES. Leave me, leave me, all alone in a churchyard. Ladies, ladies, for pity’s sake....

HORATIA. I am beside myself.

CHARLES. Remain then beside me. Or rather, why cannot we return to the house? I am half frozen with cold and ... and excitement!

BARBARA. You forget the Colonel.

CHARLES. The Colonel. O, is that all? Can’t you hide me in some quiet corner?

HORATIA. I have it! the storeroom.

BARBARA. But if a search should be made?

CHARLES. Search! who’ll search? The storeroom is the very place. Come, come, the air is piercing; come.

BARBARA. This way; by the kitchen door.

CHARLES. Once more into the house, dear friends, once more. [_Exit._]

HORATIA. Is this the Prince? the Hero?

SOPHIA. O Ratty! our duty remains the same! [_Exeunt._]